{"id":25181,"date":"2012-05-31T04:18:46","date_gmt":"2012-05-31T04:18:46","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/?p=25181"},"modified":"2017-01-10T04:47:19","modified_gmt":"2017-01-10T09:47:19","slug":"sound-calm-even-when-youre-fuming-adina-soclof","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/parenting\/sound-calm-even-when-youre-fuming-adina-soclof\/","title":{"rendered":"Sound Calm, Even When You’re Fuming"},"content":{"rendered":"

Hillel was once asked if he could explain the Torah on one foot. He replied, v’ahavta l’reacha kamochah<\/em>, love thy neighbor as thyself. Do we apply this to our families as well?<\/p>\n

Most adults do not like to be accused. Kids do not appreciate it either. Over the years I have heard many\"\"<\/a> lectures on shalom bayit<\/em>, marital harmony,\u00a0both on marriage and parenting. And many times I have heard the advice that we need to speak to our families, our spouses and our children the same way we speak to our neighbors. Our initial response may be surprise: surely we speak to our family members at least<\/em>\u00a0as lovingly and respectfully as we do those more distant.\u00a0 But a moment’s thought often reveals that that is not the case, and that our closeness breeds dis<\/em>respect.<\/p>\n

We previously discussed how we can speak more respectfully to our children and avoid ona’at devarim<\/em>,\u00a0causing pain with words, during the Sefirah period, as a way to atone for the sin of Rabbi Akiva\u2019s students. More specifically, we discussed ways to talk to our kids so that we do not sound if we are always blaming and accusing. We mentioned that accusations put children on the defensive, creating tension and power struggles.<\/p>\n

Though Sefirah is over, the importance of speaking to our near-and-dear carries on. Instead of the usual nagging, accusing and blaming that we sometimes resort to with our families (though never our neighbors\u2026),\u00a0Positive Discipline instructor Melanie Miller\u00a0suggests using the phrase \u201cI notice.\u201d It’s a handy way to point out what your child or even your spouse needs to do.<\/p>\n

I thought that we can use this great tip as we get ready for Shabbat this week.<\/p>\n

Instead of, \u201cIt’s Erev Shabbos and I just cleaned the whole house! Why can\u2019t you remember to put your shoes in the mudroom?” try this: \u201cI notice you left your shoes in the front hall.\u201d<\/p>\n

Instead of, \u201cI told you a million times<\/em>–part of setting the Shabbos table is to put out the Kiddush cups!\u201d try this:\u2028\u201cI noticed the Kiddush cups are still in the breakfront.\u201d<\/p>\n

Instead of, \u201cWill you take a shower already?!\u201d try this: \u201cI noticed that you have not showered yet. It is 7pm and you said you were going to shower at 6:30pm. Shabbos starts at 7:30 today. \u201d<\/p>\n

The beauty of this phrase is evident. When we use \u201cI notice\u201d to rephrase our requests, and, yes, our\u00a0accusations, we are reinforcing that there is a problem that needs to be solved and we have faith that the child \u00a0or our spouse is capable of solving it. I notice these things and bring them to your attention because I expect you to–and believe you can–fix them.<\/p>\n

I personally really like the sound of this phrase \u201cI notice.\u201d It sounds neutral and non-confrontational. It makes us sound calm, rational and even quite dignified. Kids feel respected. It’s another great technique to add to our toolbox.<\/p>\n

\n

Adina Soclof<\/strong>, MS. CCC-SLP,\u00a0works as a Parent Educator for Bellefaire Jewish Children’s Bureau facilitating\u00a0<\/em>How to Talk so Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids will Talk\u00a0workshops as well as workshops based on\u00a0<\/em>Siblings Without Rivalry. Adina also runs\u00a0parentingsimply.com<\/a>.\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Forget blaming your kids and spouse. Try this simple phrase instead.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":720,"featured_media":54815,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[5],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-25181","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-parenting"],"yoast_head":"\nSound Calm, Even When You're Fuming - OU Life<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Forget blaming your kids and spouse when you're fuming. 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