{"id":25083,"date":"2012-05-10T21:49:35","date_gmt":"2012-05-10T21:49:35","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/?p=25083"},"modified":"2016-12-04T08:56:58","modified_gmt":"2016-12-04T13:56:58","slug":"sefirah-perfect-time-teach-our-children-respect-adina-soclof","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/parenting\/sefirah-perfect-time-teach-our-children-respect-adina-soclof\/","title":{"rendered":"Sefirah: The Perfect Time to Teach Our Children Respect"},"content":{"rendered":"

At the beginning of Sefirah <\/em>(the counting between Pesach and Shavuot) last year,\u00a0Cleveland\u2019s LocalJewishNews.com<\/a>\u00a0posted an article reminding the community about the grave sin committed by great Torah scholars of this time. Rabbi Akiva\u2019s students did not respect one another and, because of this, the Sefirah<\/em> period became one of mourning.<\/p>\n

LocalJewishNews.com\u00a0asked that people refrain from ona\u2019at devarim<\/em>, causing pain with words. They went on to list some statements that would fit into this category from Rabbi Zelig Pliskin\u2019s book, The Power of Words<\/em>.<\/p>\n

Some of the examples were:<\/p>\n

\u201cHow many times have I told you?!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou never\u2026.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou always\u2026.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat do you think you are doing\u2026?!\u201d<\/p>\n

It reminded me of how we can use this type of accusing language with children. We might say to our kids:<\/p>\n

“How many times have I told you to put your laundry away?!”<\/p>\n

“You never do your homework when I tell you!”<\/p>\n

“You always leave your legos all over the floor!”<\/p>\n

“What do you think you are doing?! You better get out of the street with your bicycle!”<\/p>\n

\"\"In the book How To Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk<\/em>, the authors, Adele\u00a0Faber and\u00a0Elaine\u00a0Mazlish, suggest that we stop blaming and accusing our children. Kids find this type of language hurtful. It is also counterproductive. Children can\u2019t improve their behavior because they are so focused on defending themselves. But is there a better way?<\/p>\n

Yes. Instead of accusing, we can just give our kids information:<\/p>\n

\u201cThe laundry goes in your drawer.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYour homework needs to be done by 7pm.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cLegos belong in the toy chest.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201c5-year-old children ride their bikes on the sidewalk!\u201d<\/p>\n

These phrases can be repeated as needed.<\/p>\n

But what if you slip up and find yourself accusing and blaming all over again? You can use this phrase, openly:\u00a0\u201cIn this house we don\u2019t accuse\u2026.\u201d\u00a0So even if you start off accusing you can turn yourself around.<\/p>\n

It sounds something like this:<\/p>\n

\u201cHow many times have I told you to put your laundry away!<\/p>\n

Oh right, I forgot!\u00a0In this house we don\u2019t accuse, as it is a form of ona’at devarim<\/em>\u2026. \u00a0The laundry goes in your drawer, Rachel.\u201d<\/p>\n

When you do this, you teach your kids so many great lessons. To name just a few:<\/p>\n