{"id":25028,"date":"2012-05-03T03:17:56","date_gmt":"2012-05-03T03:17:56","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/?p=25028"},"modified":"2015-11-08T15:32:55","modified_gmt":"2015-11-08T20:32:55","slug":"surprise-no-such-thing-bashert-6-other-dating-myths-debunked-steven-pruzansky","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/relationships\/dating\/surprise-no-such-thing-bashert-6-other-dating-myths-debunked-steven-pruzansky\/","title":{"rendered":"Surprise! There’s No Such Thing as a Bashert…and 6 Other Dating Myths Debunked"},"content":{"rendered":"

Recently, one of the popular Shabbat publications that is distributed in Israel depicted a number of myths that hinder and impair many young people\u2019s quest for their life\u2019s partners. The article appeared in Zomet<\/em>, was written by Rav Yoni Lavi, and pulls no punches in an effort to highlight areas in which a change in philosophy \u2013 and a discrediting of some of the myths \u2013 can go a long way in promoting marriage and resolving part of the singles\u2019 \u201ccrisis.\u201d The myths follow (translation mine) and one can agree or disagree with some or all, but the issues raised are all important:<\/p>\n

1) Every person has one special someone. \u00a0<\/strong>Actually, everyone has many more than just one person with whom he\/she can marry and establish a loving, happy and enduring relationship. The mentality that in a world of more than seven billion people there is only one person wandering about that is meant for me \u2013 my twin, my soul mate \u2013 who, if found, will provide me eternal happiness and who, if not found, will doom me to despair and misfortune for the rest of my life, is a dangerous illusion. There is a gigantic field of hundreds, and maybe even more, of appropriate and worthwhile mates. A successful marriage depends less on the identity of the person chosen and more on one\u2019s ability to conduct himself\/herself in that marriage on a daily basis. Therefore, the task before you is not to decide \u201cis this the one?\u201d but rather to choose a person with whom you feel you can build a home together that is filled with love. This transforms the quest of choosing a spouse into something that is much more logical and attainable.<\/p>\n

2) When it is the right time, it will happen.<\/strong> This statement is somewhat true but also conditional \u2013 the condition being that you don\u2019t interfere with what should happen. From G-d\u2019s perspective, He has long desired to see many of his sons and daughters standing joyously under the chupah<\/em> (marriage canopy). He is even prepared to assist in this process. But the problem is that there are those who, with their own hands, sabotage the process. How? Through their patterns of analysis, their manner of searching for a spouse and their conduct while dating. The central question becomes: is what stands between you and the chupah a lack of information or options? Do you need more and more advice, and more and more recommendations \u2013 or is a change in approach and a removal of [self-imposed] obstacles most desirable? If the latter, then a proper match is already available and waiting.<\/p>\n

3) I simply haven\u2019t met the right one. How do you know?<\/strong> Maybe you have and you told her\/him \u201cno!\u201d Maybe the right one is in your vicinity \u2013 even a meter away \u2013 but you ignore her because you are focused \u2013 obsessed \u2013 on some model who is unattainable [or on an ideal that is a fantasy] and therefore you are uncertain if the person you are with is the right one. Maybe you are looking in one direction, and he\/she is standing in the complete opposite one?<\/p>\n

4) Without you, I am half a person; without you, I am nothing.<\/strong> A single is not a\u201chalf-person.\u201d A single person is not a broken vessel or a worthless wretch. A single is a complete personality, productive and generous. Sometimes people forget that singles have lives outside of dating, and that they have other objectives in life aside from finding a spouse. Thus, aside from the questions that sound general and interesting but\"\"\u00a0actually imply something else, like \u201cNu<\/em>, what\u2019s new with you?\u201d and the encouraging but ultimately tormenting words \u201csoon, by you,\u201d it is permissible to ask a single, \u201cHow\u2019s work?\u201d or, \u201cHow do you like your new car?\u201d or, \u201cHow about meeting for coffee tomorrow night?\u201d or, say \u201cThat new blouse is stunning!\u201d<\/p>\n

Before you are a \u201csingle,\u201d you are a human being. If everything in life hinges on dating, then perhaps it is time for some soul-searching. There are other substantive things in life \u2013 study, work, family, service of Hashem (G-d), hobbies, etc. And G-d-willing a relationship will also be part of that life.<\/p>\n

5) Men disqualify women based on superficialities like appearance.<\/strong> But this is true not only of men but also of women. It doesn\u2019t happen all the time but it does occur too frequently. What does this say about us \u2013 the culture of the \u201cpose\u201d and the \u201cshow\u201d in which we live? What does it say about us that visions of fashion models dance in our heads, drawn from the mass media, movies and advertisements, which clutter our minds and complicate our choices and the process of choosing? These are good questions for which each person must find an individualized answer. (Note: Be careful what pictures you post on Facebook. You have no idea how many potential dates are lost because of this.)<\/p>\n

6) When it is \u201cthe one,\u201d then you will know.<\/strong> It is clear that you have watched too many romantic dramas, but…real life does not work like that. Most couples arrive at this most momentous decision when something in their heart trembles, when everything does not seem perfect. Moreover, if everything seems perfect, check again. Maybe you have been blinded and are overlooking something important. In relation to other significant choices in life (where to attend school, where to work, etc.) the matters are complicated and there are pros and cons for each side. One has to have confidence and faith in the person with whom you wish to take the next step \u2013 but one who expects to hear a \u201cdivine echo,\u201d or to feel butterflies in the stomach, or the sensation of burning love in his\/her fingertips, will keep waiting and waiting.<\/p>\n

7) Meeting on the Internet is for the pathetic and the desperate.<\/strong> Friend, you are pass\u00e9. Even if there might have been something to this in the past, those days are long gone. Today, it is possible to find on the relationship websites many pious and exceptional individuals who understand that it is mistaken to categorically reject any option that Hashem has afforded us in order to achieve our destiny. Of course, one has to exercise caution before an actual meeting takes place, but it would be a shame to discount any avenue to the sacred goal.<\/p>\n

Those are the myths. Perhaps the most provocative aspect of the above is Rav Lavi\u2019s apparent rejection of the concept of \u201cbashert<\/em>\u201d \u2013 the idea that Hashem has designated a particular person for us to marry and our task is merely to identify that person. But, if we were to submit to that myth, believe there is just one, does that make the task any simpler? I think not. If anything, it complicates it, adding to the difficulties of getting to know a complete stranger and deeming them \u201cmarriageable,\u201d and then tackling the esoteric question of: \u201cIs this the one Hashem has ordained for me?\u201d That type of pressure is liable to discomfit too many people and invalidate too many otherwise fine relationships.<\/p>\n

Many years ago, I heard Rav Ahron Soloveichik zt\u201dl explain that bashert<\/em> (in the Talmud\u2019s language, bat ploni l\u2019ploni<\/em>) guarantees only one thing: Hashem arranges that you encounter that person. Bashert<\/em> does not guarantee that you will marry that person, or that the marriage will be a happy and fulfilling one; those depend on our free choice and good middot <\/em>(character traits). And even what we do after that initial encounter \u2013 pursue that person or ignore him\/her; look for the good or obsess over flaws \u2013 also depends on our bechirah <\/em>(free choice). As such, it is probably best to remove the bashert<\/em> issue from our calculations, as it obfuscates instead of clarifies. It should remain in the realm of divine secrets to which we have no access, and which plays no role in our deliberations.<\/p>\n

A debunking of many, if not all, of the aforementioned myths will lead to a healthier dating process and more satisfying marriages \u2013 and create Jewish homes that bring glory to the Torah and our Creator.<\/p>\n

\n

Rabbi Steven Pruzansky<\/strong> is the spiritual leader of Congregation Bnai Yeshurun, a synagogue consisting of nearly 600 families located in Teaneck, New Jersey. He is a member of the New York and Federal Bars and<\/em>\u00a0is a trustee of the RCA on the Board of the Beth Din of America, as well as a dayan on the Beth Din itself.<\/em> He also is a member of the Rabbinical Alliance of America, and served as the American co-spokesman for the International Rabbinic Coalition for Israel.<\/em>\u00a0He presently is on the Board of Directors of Pro Israel and the One Israel Fund.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

A change in philosophy \u2013 and a discrediting of some of the myths \u2013 can go a long way in promoting marriage and resolving part of the singles\u2019 \u201ccrisis.\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":745,"featured_media":25061,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[18],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-25028","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-dating"],"yoast_head":"\nThere's No Such Thing as a Bashert...& 6 Other Dating Myths<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"A change in philosophy \u2013 and discrediting of some of the myths \u2013 can go a long way in promoting marriage and resolving part of the singles\u2019 \u201ccrisis.\u201d\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" 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Previously, Rabbi Pruzansky was for nine years the spiritual leader of Congregation Etz Chaim in Kew Gardens Hills, New York. While in New York, he served a two-year term as President of the Vaad Harabonim (Rabbinical Board) of Queens. Rabbi Pruzansky graduated from Columbia University in 1978 with a B.A. in history, and received a Juris Doctor degree from the Benjamin Cardozo School of Law in 1981. He practiced law for 13 years as a general practitioner and litigator in New York City until assuming his current pulpit. He is a member of the New York and Federal Bars, and is admitted to practice before the United States Supreme Court. Rabbi Pruzansky studied in yeshivot in Israel and the United States, and was ordained at Yeshiva Bnei Torah of Far Rockaway, New York under the guidance of Rabbi Yisrael Chait, shlit\u201da. A past President of the Rabbinical Council of Bergen County and currently the treasurer, he also served as a Vice-President of the Rabbinical Council of America. He is a trustee of the RCA on the Board of the Beth Din of America, as well as a dayan on the Beth Din itself. He also is a member of the Rabbinical Alliance of America, and served as the American co-spokesman for the International Rabbinic Coalition for Israel. Rabbi Pruzansky served on the Board of Directors of the Jerusalem Reclamation Project, and received their Rabbinic Leadership Award at their 1995 Jerusalem Day banquet. He presently is on the Board of Directors of Pro Israel and the One Israel Fund, and received the latter\u2019s Rabbi Zvi Yehuda Kook Rabbinic Leadership Award at their 1997 Unity Dinner. He has also been honored by the Orthodox Union, the Bet El Yeshiva Center located in Bet El, Israel, Ezras Torah, the Destiny Foundation, and several other Jewish and community organizations. He has served since 2005 on Teaneck\u2019s Civilian Complaint Review Board. He writes extensively on topics of Jewish interest and has lectured in more than 20 countries. 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