![\"\"](\"http:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/files\/Mother-and-Misbehaving-Son-300x238.jpg\" "\\"Patient")
<\/p>\nAs a Parent Educator I get asked a lot of questions. \u201cWhy doesn\u2019t my child listen?\u201d \u201cHow do I foster responsibility in my kids?\u201d Then there\u2019s the parent that wants to know, \u201c So, do you ever lose it with your kids? Do you ever yell?\u201d<\/p>\n
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I always get kind of flustered. I don\u2019t know what to answer. If I say no, I would be lying (there it is, I do yell). If I fess up and say yes, will I lose their professional respect? I mean, how good of a Parent Educator can I be if I also yell at my kids? Shouldn\u2019t I be above all that?<\/p>\n
It all boils down to this; I am not a very good liar. So after my initial confusion, I opt for the honest, come clean, approach. This is what I say:<\/p>\n
\u201cOf course I yell. I get tired and impatient. I get annoyed and frustrated. I am human and my kids are kids. But over the years of teaching, I have learned how to let off steam without damaging my kid\u2019s self-esteem. I try for the most part to yell without accusing, blaming, name calling or humiliating my kids.\u201d<\/p>\n
I don\u2019t end there (once I am on the topic, I might as well give them my whole shpiel): \u201cI have also learned all the things that set me off and the stuff that made me mad and still makes me mad. That helps and I don\u2019t yell as much anymore.\u201d<\/p>\n
I hope I don\u2019t sound too self-righteous. I try to teach methods that take the feelings and needs of parents into account. I want to help parents manage the trials of everyday living with kids naturally and simply. I also want kids to have their needs met. I want their feelings to be respected and I want them to feel loved.<\/p>\n
I say this because I remember the feelings of pain when I was yelled at as a kid. How I felt misunderstood. And now as a parent, I see how it easy it is to get so irritated with my kids. Learning how to deal with the frustration of being a parent without hurting my kids was high priority for me. I was ready to listen to anyone who could teach me how to do that.<\/p>\n
Here are 4 things that have helped me and can help you stop losing it with your kids:<\/p>\n
1) Talk about yourself.<\/strong><\/p>\n I teach parents to use one of the most helpful, productive and effective communications tools, the \u201cI\u201d statement. Every member of the family can use this handy skill. This helps keep the yelling from getting hurtful.<\/p>\n Instead of accusing:<\/em><\/p>\n \u201cYou are acting like a baby with all this crying and yelling!\u201d<\/p>\n Speak about your feelings:<\/em><\/p>\n \u201cI am getting frustrated with all this fighting.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI am having trouble holding onto my patience with all the loud yelling going on around me.\u201d<\/p>\n Children can also be taught to use \u201cI\u201d statements. This will help them speak respectfully, reducing the times you feel anger towards them.<\/p>\n Instead of accusing:<\/em><\/p>\n \u201cYou are so stupid!\u201d<\/p>\n Teach them to speak about themselves<\/em>:<\/em><\/p>\n \u201cI get upset when you tease me about my questions.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n \u201cI don\u2019t like it when you touch my stuff without my permission!\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n 3) Acquire a friend.<\/strong><\/p>\n As it says in Pirkei Avot: \u201cK\u2019ney l\u2018chah chaver.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n If you really want to get a handle on your anger, you might want to find a friend to help you talk through your feelings. This way you have a healthy outlet. You ideally want someone who will validate your feelings and help you gain some perspective.\u00a0 You also want to make sure she does not let you wallow in your negative feelings but forces you to see the good in the situation.<\/p>\n I have one such friend and her support has been invaluable.<\/p>\n