{"id":24087,"date":"2012-02-16T16:26:03","date_gmt":"2012-02-16T16:26:03","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/?p=24087"},"modified":"2016-12-02T07:18:41","modified_gmt":"2016-12-02T12:18:41","slug":"polite-request-basic-sensitivity-mordechai-cazbii","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/relationships\/polite-request-basic-sensitivity-mordechai-cazbii\/","title":{"rendered":"A Polite Request for Basic Sensitivity"},"content":{"rendered":"
\n

Rebecca Rosen is carefully perusing the cereal shelves<\/strong> in her local supermarket.<\/strong> \u00a0Bran flakes or Life? \u00a0These little routines help her take her mind off the difficult period she and her husband are going through. \u00a0They have been trying to have kids for three years, but, unfortunately, G-d has not yet blessed them with a child. \u00a0It\u2019s especially hard for her to live in a community where so many young couples have already been blessed with several children. \u00a0While examining the nutritional facts on the cereal box she is granted momentary respite from her otherwise anxiety-ridden thoughts. \u00a0Until she is interrupted.<\/p>\n

\u201cRebecca? \u00a0Hi, how are you?\u201d<\/p>\n

The voice is of a friend from college, though in recent years the two have drifted.<\/p>\n

\u201cSo\u2026how\u2019s life?\u201d she continues.<\/p>\n

Rebecca smiles. \u201cIts great, thank G-d. I\u2019m finishing up school at Hunter \"\"<\/a>and my husband has been working at KPMG.\u201d \u00a0Rebecca knows this is not the answer her friend was looking for.<\/p>\n

\u201cBut\u2026[emphatic pause]…how\u2019s everything else?\u201d<\/p>\n

Its becoming more and more difficult for Rebbeca to continue smiling. \u00a0\u201cGood, really good.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI know you and Josh have been having trouble having kids,\u201d her old friend continues. \u00a0Rebecca\u2019s stomach knots up. \u00a0She knew the conversation was going there. \u00a0She\u2019s unsure what bothers her more: the distant friend asking her a too-personal question or the indiscreet location for a conversation that should warrant an intimate living room…not a supermarket aisle. \u00a0As her friend continues, Rebecca just continues to hold a smile and nod through the barrage of questions and unsolicited solace.<\/p>\n

\u201cIt must be so hard \u2026 \u00a0Are you really trying? \u2026 Do you or your husband have issues? \u00a0\u2026 \u00a0I know a Rabbi who \u2026 \u00a0Anyway, have a great day!\u201d and she abruptly ends her monologue.<\/p>\n

Rebecca smiles. \u00a0Now comes the hardest part. \u00a0Rebecca turns to her friend who eagerly awaits her response to the sage advice just dispensed; Rebecca mumbles, \u201cThanks so much, you too.\u201d<\/p>\n

\n

Boruch is a father of four with a wonderful wife.<\/strong> \u00a0Life had always been going well for him, but he was recently laid off and now has mounting debt. \u00a0He\u2019s been out of work for close to a year and the longer he remains unemployed, the more hopeless the prospects seem.<\/p>\n

A close friend of his, Simcha, just made partner in a top ten firm. \u00a0Boruch is happy for his close friend, but the prominence of Simcha\u2019s promotion makes Boruch\u2019s unemployment all the more apparent. \u00a0Simcha plans to make a small kiddush in shul on Shabbat to celebrate his promotion. \u00a0Boruch is nervous but determined to go to celebrate with his close friend.<\/p>\n

At the kiddush, Boruch feels unsettled. He can almost see everyone thinking, \u201cOh, wow, I can\u2019t believe he came! This must be so hard for him.\u201d \u00a0Truthfully, they were right. \u00a0It was hard. \u00a0After giving Simcha a hug and a \u201cMazel Tov,\u201d Boruch turns around to leave. \u00a0His hopes of making a discreet exit are dashed as \u00a0he is stopped by several people.<\/p>\n

\u201cIm yirtzeh Hashem<\/em> by you\u2026it should be G-d\u2019s will for you too\u2026.\u201d<\/p>\n

He feels as though a consolation firing squad has selected him for execution. \u00a0\u00a0An older friend takes him to the side.<\/p>\n

\u201cBoruch, you should know this whole situation you\u2019re in is really a brachah. \u00a0Don\u2019t worry about it.\u201d<\/p>\n

Frustrated by his friend\u2019s insensitivity, he looks up at him and mutters, \u201cYeah…im yirtzeh Hashem by you.\u201d<\/p>\n

\n

Following davening Shabbat morning, Yoni is sitting in his usual seat listening to the announcements.<\/strong> \u00a0After finishing with the Shabbos schedule, the gabbai, a humorous and jovial man, begins with the different Mazel Tovs of the members of the shul. \u00a0Yoni has begun to dread this part. \u00a0Though he has only been married for two years, he and his wife have not yet been able to have children.<\/p>\n

\u201cMazel Tov to the Berkowitz family on the birth of a baby girl!\u201d<\/p>\n

Some members in the back call out, \u201cKiddush l\u2019chaim<\/em>!\u201d \u00a0Yoni chuckles, and though it can be hard, he is happy for Berkowitz family. \u00a0The constant jibes, however, from his friends and members of his shul have made it increasingly more difficult. \u00a0As the gabbai\u2019s list of community simchas continues, the comments inevitably begin.<\/p>\n

A friend at Yoni\u2019s table turns to him, \u201cSo, nu, Yoni, what are you waiting for?\u201d Yoni\u2019s chuckle fades to a strained smile. \u00a0\u201cYep, we\u2019re trying,\u201d he responds. \u00a0Another member, sitting in the table directly in front of him, turns and calls to Yoni, \u201cWe\u2019re all waiting to hear your simchas! \u00a0B\u2019karov<\/em>!\u201d \u00a0Yoni nods, feigning a sense of agreement. \u00a0He knows his friends and neighbors mean well, but he\u2019d wish the focus of other people\u2019s simchas did not constantly shift to his own tzaros. \u00a0He is happy to know that everyone is waiting for his simchas, he just wishes they would wait with a little less noise and a bit more poise.<\/p>\n

\n

I know what you are thinking.<\/strong> \u00a0The comparisons are not fair. Frankly, I agree with you. \u00a0Singles have a very different struggle than couples trying to have children. \u00a0And the struggle to have children is surely quite different than the effort to find a job.<\/p>\n

The point of this essay is not to illustrate an equivalency between life\u2019s vast array of obstacles, but rather to encourage equal thought and sensitivity when approaching anyone\u2019s \u00a0difficulties in life. \u00a0The moment we begin engaging in the game of, \u00a0\u201cWho really has it worse?\u201d we have obfuscated our responsibility to view each individual\u2019s problem as deeply unique and personal. \u00a0Allow G-d to award the prize for \u201cwho had it worst.\u201d In the meantime we can try to make these difficult situations less painful.<\/p>\n

Everyone has set-backs in life. \u00a0Different people have different starts and journeys during their productive and successful lives. \u00a0Some get laid off, some struggle with having children, others take longer getting married. \u00a0Each deserves sensitivity, privacy and decency. \u00a0These can be obtained with a healthy dose of common sense and a brief period of thought before actually speaking.<\/p>\n

Don\u2019t be so quick to assume that it is the single\u2019s fault for his or her predicament. \u00a0<\/strong>The same way some people try but cannot have kids, some people try but are unable to find a suitable partner. \u00a0Some people happily marry later in life, and the only thing which stopped them from finding a partner sooner was Mazel, not a personality\/commitment\/pathological disorder.<\/p>\n

Make sure your words of encouragement are solicited (explicitly or implicitly) and try not to constantly gravitate in conversation to the set-back that your friend\/acquaintance\/person-you-met-in-the-supermarket is experiencing. \u00a0Despite what you may think, sometimes they don\u2019t want to talk about it. \u00a0Don\u2019t say it\u2019s a brachah to someone unless you\u2019d really wish it upon yourself. Indeed, we should all have friends and acquaintances that treat us with the same sensitivity and respect they\u2019d ask for themselves. Im yirtzeh Hashem<\/em> by you.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Despite what you may think, sometimes they don\u2019t want to talk about it.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":722,"featured_media":24090,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[89,17],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-24087","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-growth","category-relationships"],"yoast_head":"\nA Polite Request for Basic Sensitivity - OU Life<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"People go through challenging times. 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