{"id":24075,"date":"2012-02-16T16:26:01","date_gmt":"2012-02-16T16:26:01","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/?p=24075"},"modified":"2015-11-06T04:49:00","modified_gmt":"2015-11-06T09:49:00","slug":"the-most-effectiv-way-stop-rude-behavior-adina-soclof","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/parenting\/the-most-effectiv-way-stop-rude-behavior-adina-soclof\/","title":{"rendered":"The Most Effective Way to Stop Rude Behavior in Kids"},"content":{"rendered":"

Problems do not go away. They must be worked through or else they remain, forever a barrier to the growth and development of the spirit.<\/em><\/p>\n

-Scott Peck<\/p>\n

The heart of the righteous man rehearses his answer, but the mouth of the wicked blurts out evil things.<\/em><\/p>\n

-Proverbs<\/p>\n

This past January during Yeshiva week we opted for the staycation vacation thing. \u00a0I knew it was going to be tough but I also knew we would manage. We had a great time doing things in and around Cleveland. All was going pretty well – except that the phrase “shut up” was being thrown around a lot.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>My husband and I have very little patience for this type of rudeness. Me, because, really, should a parent educator’s kids be talking that way? What if someone hears them?<\/p>\n

My husband can’t stand it because he truly values polite speech.<\/p>\n

We spent a few days trying to stop the breach in etiquette, like this:<\/p>\n

“We don’t say ‘shut up’ in this house!”<\/p>\n

“‘Shut up’ is not a nice term!”<\/p>\n

“Find another way to talk to your brother\/sister!”<\/p>\n

It was beginning to get out of hand. Nothing was helping. That is when we usually decide to have a brainstorming session with our kids.<\/p>\n

Brainstorming potential solutions to our everyday problems is something our family tries to do often. Sometimes it is just a short, \u201cWe have guests coming for Shabbat and I am going to need some help – what is everyone available to do?\u201d Other times it can be a longer process, lasting anywhere between 10 and 30 minutes.<\/p>\n

It is a great way to invite kids to think about how they can help the family stay happy and free of conflict. They start to look at themselves as an integral part of the family unit. They view themselves as problem solvers instead of troublemakers.<\/p>\n

The same thing happens to me and my husband: we have started to view our kids as partners in figuring out what works best for our family. Not only that, we have learned to respect our kids’ feelings and we schep<\/em> lots of nachat<\/em>, take great pride,\u00a0when they come up with solutions that work.<\/p>\n

This is how this brainstorming session started:<\/p>\n

“Guys, I don’t like it when you use that term and neither does Daddy. We feel like it falls into the category of nivel peh<\/em>, profane speech. Tonight at dinner we are going to talk about what we should do.”<\/p>\n

Over meatballs and spaghetti, which by the way, happened to be delicious, we had our discussion.<\/p>\n

We went through 7 steps of Problem Solving:<\/p>\n

1. Parents, talk about your feelings<\/span>:<\/strong><\/p>\n

“Daddy and I don’t like it when you use the phrase ‘shut up.’ It’s not the kind of talk we like to hear in our house.”<\/p>\n

2. Let the kids talk about their feelings<\/span>:<\/strong><\/p>\n

Here is what they said:<\/p>\n