{"id":13938,"date":"2011-10-18T11:00:44","date_gmt":"2011-10-18T11:00:44","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/production.ou.org\/life\/other\/communication_skills\/"},"modified":"2016-12-01T09:39:40","modified_gmt":"2016-12-01T14:39:40","slug":"communication_skills","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/relationships\/marriage\/communication_skills\/","title":{"rendered":"“Mr. Schwartz? I’m Mrs. Schwartz, Nice to Meet You”"},"content":{"rendered":"

Strengthening Communication Skills<\/span><\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

Committed couples care about and consistently work at the quality of their relationship. They realize that effective communication is important in strengthening their connection. Couples who have healthy marriages love and respect each other and use many methods to express that.<\/p>\n

Communication is the Key<\/span><\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

Communication is the key to a strong, healthy relationship. On so many levels, communication allows partners to exchange messages about love and other emotions. Effective communication requires practicing the skills of listening and the expression of
\nthoughts and feelings. It is much more than talking, as communication consists of verbal messages (what you say), contextual issues (how you say it), emotional tone (why you say it), and even non-verbal cues (what you don’t say).<\/p>\n

Listening<\/span><\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

Listening is the single most important communication skill as it is the best way to understand your partner. A good listener does more than just hear words; they interpret emotions, behaviors, and respond appropriately. But how does one become a good listener?<\/p>\n

A good listener pays attention to his\/her partner’s words and<\/em> feelings, an action that sends the clear message: “You are important to me.” It shows caring and increases the likelihood that your partner will continue sharing his\/her feelings. When listening to your partner, encourage him\/her to talk about what he\/she finds important. In the event that you do not agree with one another’s statements, continue to listen without judgment or placing blame. Remember that good listening does not include defensiveness; therefore, do not use this as an opportunity to attack your partner. Good listening can be the key to defusing current and preventing future problems that could arise in a couple’s relationship.<\/p>\n

Listening requires that you pay attention to the tone of voice, facial expression, eye contact,\"\"<\/a> and physical gestures of your partner. It is important to focus on nonverbal examples of feelings as well as the spoken words. It is easy to be careless and assume that you know what the other person means. Some pretend to listen while doing something else, while others clearly display that they have zoned-out mentally. In order to break these habits, you cannot focus on what to say next or make comparisons to what your partner said in the past. Give them your full attention and take time to think before you respond.<\/p>\n

It may be difficult to change poor listening habits, but it is possible. Improving communication is worth the effort as listening to your partner is probably the best way to show care and concern.<\/p>\n

Habits We Have That Prevent Good Listening<\/span><\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

As Listeners<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

Prior habits and behaviors are common barriers to good listening. Too often as listeners we concentrate on the response we will give\u2014instead of concentrating on the message we are getting. Our habit of thinking of a response or jumping to conclusions turns off our ability to hear the intended message.<\/p>\n

Judgmental behavior takes this poor habit a step further, presenting another roadblock to good listening. A quick response of anger or making fun of what is being said can block out hearing the real message.<\/p>\n

As Speakers<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

Using negative words, phrases, and body language often causes misinterpretations and discourages good listening. When speaking, it is important to use positive (or neutral) words, phrases, and body language to encourage open and attentive listeners.<\/p>\n

Habits to Encourage Good Listening<\/span><\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

Clear Self-Expression<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

Many assume that their partner knows their needs, feelings, and opinions, even though they’ve never actually been verbalized. All too often, that’s just not the case: having the expectation that your partner can read your mind sets both of you up for negative results\u2014hurt, disappointment, misunderstandings. Do you want to avoid this common communication mistake? If so, the solution is simple: State your thoughts as clearly, honestly,\u00a0and positively as you can.<\/em><\/p>\n

Don’t avoid talking about something because you are afraid of what your partner will think. Focus on how something is affecting you. Try not to blame or criticize your partner while you are expressing yourself. Don’t use statements like “Unlike you, I….<\/em>” or “It is because of you that….”\u00a0<\/em>\u2014 such statements will undermine any efforts at healthy communication.<\/p>\n

Using “I” Messages<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

An effective way to talk to your partner is through “I” messages\u2014statements that describe your feelings and tell how you are affected by your partner’s behavior. “I” messages can express emotions in a way that is not threatening as they focus on the speaker’s feelings and not blaming the partner.<\/p>\n

“I” messages are very different from “you” messages. “You” messages place blame and judge the other person based on their behavior. “You” messages often trigger defensiveness or hostility in your partner and tend to increase conflict. Think about how you<\/em> feel when you hear,\u00a0“You always….” or “You never….”<\/em><\/p>\n

The Mechanics of “I” Messages<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

“I” messages let your partner know how you feel and why you feel that way. “I” messages have three parts:<\/p>\n

    \n
  1. A statement about the speaker’s feelings<\/li>\n
  2. A statement about the behavior that caused the feeling<\/li>\n
  3. The reason for the speaker’s feelings<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

    Practice Using “I” Statements<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

    “I get upset when you criticize my parents because my parents are so important to me.”<\/em><\/p>\n

    This “I” statement follows the three steps we mentioned:<\/p>\n

      \n
    1. It describes the feeling: “I get upset…”<\/li>\n
    2. It describes the behavior: “…when you criticize my parents…”<\/li>\n
    3. It identifies the reason: “…because my parents are so important to me.”<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

      Different Communication Styles<\/span><\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

      As stated earlier, communication plays a very important role in partners being satisfied in their marriage. If you would like better communication with your partner, it’s good to understand some of the differences in communication styles.<\/p>\n

      Expressive<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

      One partner may be more expressive. Expressive people like to share emotions and feelings. They look for real-time feedback or responses.<\/p>\n

      Task- or Fact-Oriented<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

      Another partner might seldom talk about feelings, and may use facts instead of emotions, as in: “I feel that I’m not making enough money.” This person is looking for acceptance of his\/her point of view, not emotions.<\/p>\n

      When Opposites Attract<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

      These opposite styles might attract each other initially\u2014and, over time, they may have difficulties dealing with what’s going on in the relationship as the relationship becomes more complicated.<\/p>\n

      Getting to the Heart of the Matter<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

      It is important to try to understand each other’s communication style and respond accordingly. To accomplish this, couples should realize that there are no secrets to communication. You get better with practice, practice, practice.<\/p>\n

      Communicating details about our internal lives is a basic part of an intimate relationship. Speaking and listening at this level is a way to feel connected.<\/p>\n

      Learning and Practicing New Habits<\/span><\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

      Effective communication isn’t easy. Teaching and learning new communication skills take patience, patience, patience, as well as practice, practice, practice.<\/p>\n

      Taking the time to talk is important. Your relationship provides a safe place to share feelings, thoughts, fears, dreams, and hopes. Make a special effort to find time (when the house is quiet and the kids are sleeping) to talk to your partner more frequently. Avoid all distractions during this special time.<\/p>\n

      In tough times, people feel overwhelmed with worries and responsibilities.<\/strong> Time together as a couple is often the last thing on our minds as we deal with the hassles of daily life. Although you may be busy, stressed, and worried, take the time to focus on your partners’ needs and spend quality time together without interruption. Even a few minutes a day talking about what has occurred can be a relief from stress. Be thoughtful by considering whether those difficult or problem-solving discussions could be reserved for other times when you and your partner are not tired or distracted.<\/p>\n

      You may need to be the one who starts conversations. <\/strong> It is worth it to be the one who initiates conversations. You can find many ways to open the door for communication if you are sensitive to changes in your partner’s feelings and needs. Taking the time to listen keeps the lines of communication open and improves your relationship.<\/p>\n

      Finding Time to Talk<\/span><\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n