{"id":13685,"date":"2011-05-18T18:00:26","date_gmt":"2011-05-18T18:00:26","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/production.ou.org\/life\/other\/what_about_the_boys\/"},"modified":"2015-11-02T10:18:13","modified_gmt":"2015-11-02T15:18:13","slug":"what_about_the_boys","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/education\/what_about_the_boys\/","title":{"rendered":"What About the Boys?"},"content":{"rendered":"<div style=\"float: right; padding-left: 10px;\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignright\" src=\"https:\/\/s3.amazonaws.com\/ou-images\/content\/Modesty_for_Men.jpg\" alt=\"image\" width=\"267\" height=\"315\" name=\"image\" border=\"0\" \/><\/div>\n<p>A recent article of mine (&#8220;<a title=\"The Real Power of Dress\" href=\"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/parenting\/the_real_power_of_dress\/\">The Real Power of Dress<\/a>&#8220;) discussed the illusory power of girls\u2019 clothing and the real strength we can teach our daughters. Commentary was generally favorable but one reader\u2019s question really caught my eye. \u201cWhat about the boys?\u201d she asked. This is an incredibly valid question and it cuts to the heart of misconceptions about the Jewish concept of tzniyut, which is commonly (but incompletely) translated as \u201cmodesty.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>The two largest misconceptions about tzniyus are (1) that it\u2019s just about clothing and (2) that it\u2019s just for girls. Each of these is wholly inaccurate. Yes, how much skin a person displays is an aspect of tzniyus, but there\u2019s so much more to it than that. How we act, how we talk and how we treat others are all a part of tzniyus, which doesn\u2019t mean to be \u201cmodest\u201d so much as to act with propriety.<\/p>\n<p>Before addressing either of these misconceptions, we have to acknowledge the elephant in the room: the apparent double standard. One often sees articles discussing tzniyus vis-\u00e0-vis clothes made available to and worn by women and, especially, teenage girls. How often does one see an analogous article addressing the male audience? Don\u2019t bother counting, I\u2019ll do it for you: never. The reality is that fashion and society commonly position women, not men, as sex objects. Women\u2019s legs are common sights in business offices, but men\u2019s aren\u2019t. Women\u2019s shoulders, backs and more are readily visible at weddings and other formal occasions and men\u2019s aren\u2019t. So if we spend what appears to be a disproportionate amount of time talking about women\u2019s clothes, that\u2019s because it\u2019s the most pressing aspect in our culture. But tzniyus is much, much more.<\/p>\n<p>The reality is that the Talmud discusses men\u2019s clothing at least as much as it discusses women\u2019s. Just a few examples:<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>In Yoma (35b), we are told that Rabbi Elazar ben Harsom\u2019s colleagues would not permit him to wear a finely-woven robe because it was too sheer and his form was visible through the translucent material<\/li>\n<li>In tractate Shabbos (114a), clothes are referred to as the things that honor a person. It continues that it\u2019s considered shameful for a scholar to wear stained or patched clothing, as such are beneath his station<\/li>\n<li>Also in tractate Shabbos, on page 113a, we are told that it is unseemly for a person to be overly concerned with fashion, except when it comes to wearing one\u2019s best for Shabbos.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>These are just a few of the statements about clothing that are directed at men. But even though tzniyus is concerned with clothes for both men and women, that\u2019s not the entirety of it by any stretch. What one has on the outside is important, but it\u2019s more important that it truly reflect what\u2019s on the inside.<\/p>\n<p>One can be covered from head to toe and still be immodestly-dressed. For example, let\u2019s say that a person is wearing a T-shirt or a button with a sexually-explicit or provocative message. That would still be considered inappropriate. Now let\u2019s take that message off that person\u2019s chest and put it in his or her mouth. The clothing may now be \u201cmodest,\u201d but their words are not.<\/p>\n<p>Tzniyus is largely about how we act. For our sons, the pressures of advertising and clothing manufacturers may not create a crisis of dress, but we still face a huge crisis of action. In our society, the \u201cmacho\u201d attitude directed at boys is vast. That\u2019s not an authentic Jewish value; we\u2019ve never been big on machismo.<\/p>\n<p>Look at our Jewish role models. We strive to emulate Abraham\u2019s acclaimed trait of hospitality. Jacob is renowned as a \u201cdweller in tents,\u201d who embraced study. Moses demonstrated his capacity for leadership when he chased after a stray sheep. All of these role models also fought when necessary. Abraham had to rescue his captive nephew. Jacob wrestled the angel and prepared for the possibility of war with Esau. Moses had to save the Israelite who was being beaten by the Egyptian taskmaster. We don\u2019t shy away from a fight. We don\u2019t hesitate to battle if need be in order to protect the innocent but these are not the aspects of our heroes that we celebrate. The more compassionate side of our role models is inevitably our ideal.<\/p>\n<p>Another important aspect of being a man is in how one treats women. When we talk to girls about what they wear, we always stress the fact that immodest clothing serves to objectify women. The onus isn\u2019t completely on the girls, of course. If we would teach our daughters not to let others see them as objects, we must likewise teach our sons not to objectify women regardless of what they wear. How many people have actually done this? Not many, I\u2019d wager. In fact, we often do the opposite, albeit unconsciously, when we tacitly approve of promiscuous behaviors from boys while simultaneously disapproving of the same behaviors from girls.<\/p>\n<p>The Midrash discusses the creation of woman from man. We are told that Eve was taken from Adam\u2019s side so that they should be equals. Woman is man\u2019s partner, not his subordinate and certainly not a thing. They are inherently different\u2013and viva la difference!\u2013but they are also inherently equal. Acting like a caveman towards girls actually makes a boy less of a real man.<\/p>\n<p>God told the prophet Micah, \u201cHe has shown you, man, what is good. What does Hashem ask of you? To act justly, to love mercy and to behave with tzniyus in front of God\u201d (Micah 6:8). Right there, God said what he wants of men \u2013 justice, mercy and tzniyus.<\/p>\n<p>The mishna in Pirkei Avos tells us, \u201cIn a place where there are no men, strive to be a man\u201d (2:5). This doesn\u2019t mean to go around cracking skulls and taking names. That\u2019s not a characteristic we value. If we would have our sons learn to be real men, we must teach them to reliable, honest and upright members of society, to protect the innocent when necessary and to respect women.<\/p>\n<p>If we would teach our sons\u2013and our daughters\u2013about tzniyut, we must encourage them to internalize the characteristics for which modesty in dress is ultimately a mere fa\u00e7ade.<br \/>\n<i><br \/>\n<\/i><\/p>\n<hr \/>\n<p><i>Rabbi Jack Abramowitz is Torah Content Editor at the <a title=\"Orthodox Union\" href=\"http:\/\/www.ou.org\/torah\/index\">Orthodox Union<\/a>, in which capacity he has originated and runs such programs as Nach Yomi and Taryag. He is the author of NCSY\u2019s \u201cTorah on One Foot\u201d series, as well as four books, including <a title=\"The Tzniyus Book\" href=\"http:\/\/www.amazon.com\/Tzniyus-Book-Jack-Abramowitz\/dp\/1441577963\/friendsofaishat\/\">The Tzniyus Book<\/a>.<\/i><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>A recent article of mine (&#8220;The Real Power of Dress&#8220;) discussed the illusory power of girls\u2019 clothing and the real strength we can teach our daughters. Commentary was generally favorable but one reader\u2019s question really caught my eye. \u201cWhat about the boys?\u201d she asked. This is an incredibly valid question and it cuts to the<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":384,"featured_media":48324,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_cloudinary_featured_overwrite":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[12],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-13685","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-education"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v24.9 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>What About the Boys? - OU Life<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"The largest misconceptions about tzniyut are: it\u2019s just about clothing &amp; just for girls. We must encourage our children to internalize the characteristics\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/education\/what_about_the_boys\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"What About the Boys? - OU Life\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"The largest misconceptions about tzniyut are: it\u2019s just about clothing &amp; just for girls. 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