{"id":13482,"date":"2011-03-02T15:00:39","date_gmt":"2011-03-02T15:00:39","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/production.ou.org\/life\/other\/why_that_person_and_not_me\/"},"modified":"2016-11-30T08:30:19","modified_gmt":"2016-11-30T13:30:19","slug":"why_that_person_and_not_me","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/relationships\/dating\/why_that_person_and_not_me\/","title":{"rendered":"Why THAT Person and Not Me?"},"content":{"rendered":"

As a matchmaker<\/a> and dating coach, I hear the same questions practically every day. From women:<\/p>\n

\u201cHow did a girl like that get a guy like him?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cZiva! I know her. She\u2019s so self-centered. What does he see in her?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

And from men:<\/p>\n

\u201cHow did he land such a gorgeous, cool girl?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cHe\u2019s walking down the aisle with that amazing woman and I\u2019m still single?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

A lot of the men and women I meet think there\u2019s no method to the madness. And it makes them mad! I understand their frustration, but after years of matchmaking, I\u2019ve learned that there\u2019s usually a lot more to a person than meets the eye.<\/p>\n

My response to the complaints? \u201cDon\u2019t judge so quickly. You probably don\u2019t have all of the information.”<\/p>\n

Anne’s story is a perfect example. She was one of the most sought-after girls on the singles scene. She had a beautiful smile and a positive attitude, and men often proposed to her after only a few dates. But her co-workers (several of whom I was trying to match) couldn\u2019t stand her. They thought she was aloof and obnoxious. As evidence, they said that when the rest of the office would eat lunch together every afternoon, Anne would disappear. She thought she was too good for them, her co-workers claimed. They also complained that she refused to help plan events, that she arrived to work events late so that she wouldn\u2019t have to help set up, and left early so that she wouldn\u2019t have to pitch in on the cleaning.<\/p>\n

To explain the attention Anne got from men, one of her co-workers shrugged and said, \u201cMen like the chase. She makes herself unattainable. It drives men wild, but makes her terrible to work with. If any guy ever caught her, he\u2019d see how selfish she is.\u201d<\/p>\n

Then Anne got engaged to one of the most giving, wonderful men around, and her co-workers couldn\u2019t believe it. How was this possible?<\/p>\n

Anne\u2019s mother called me. She wanted to see me and insisted that the meeting take place at her home. I explained to her that I was busy. I didn\u2019t have time to run around town, but she wouldn\u2019t take no for an answer.<\/p>\n

\u201cPlease,\u201d she said. \u201cI\u2019ll pay for your taxi. I\u2019ll even pay for your time.\u201d<\/p>\n

After everything I\u2019d heard about Anne, I admit I was turned off. Her mother seemed selfish, so maybe Anne was selfish, too. But I was curious. I wanted to know the story from Anne\u2019s and her mother\u2019s side. I wanted to give them the benefit of the doubt. So I agreed to go.<\/p>\n

When I arrived and rang the doorbell, the woman who opened the door beamed up at me from her wheelchair, and ushered me warmly into her home.<\/p>\n

As it turned out, Anne\u2019s whole family had been in a car accident when Anne was a child. Anne\u2019s father and two siblings had been killed, and she and her mother were the only survivors. Ever since, Anne had been responsible for tending to her mother\u2019s many physical needs.<\/p>\n

As we talked, Anne\u2019s mother welled up telling me about how selfless and devoted her daughter was. She even left work to check up on her mother several times a day.<\/p>\n

And suddenly the puzzle pieces started fitting together. Anne wasn\u2019t the selfish, irresponsible woman her co-workers thought she was. Quite the opposite!<\/p>\n

Her mother told me, \u201cAnne\u2019s considering breaking off her engagement. That\u2019s why I had to meet with you. She thinks she won\u2019t be able to care for me as well once she\u2019s married, and nothing I say convinces her otherwise! You have to talk to her. I want her to move on with her life.\u201d<\/p>\n

Of course she did. She, too, was a selfless woman. And she had raised a selfless child.<\/p>\n

\u201cI really will be fine,\u201d Anne\u2019s mother told me. “A woman comes every day to assist me and I can manage without Anne’s help.”<\/p>\n

Her words broke my heart. How painful this situation must have been for Anne. How difficult it must have been to consider no longer looking after her severely disabled mother. Yet, how amazing Anne was for never becoming bitter, for never complaining to her co-workers, for shouldering this enormous burden alone. I felt nothing but awe for these two women. Thinking of how misjudged Anne was brought tears to my eyes, and reminded me what a huge mistake it is to pass judgment on others without knowing the whole story. Our subjective vision often leads us to erroneous conclusions.<\/p>\n

I thought of the prophet Shmuel, who was asked to anoint the king of Israel. He assumed that Yishai\u2019s first-born, the tallest and most handsome son, was destined to rule. But he was mistaken. One of the less assuming, less noticeable sons was more qualified. Hashem told him, “A person sees only through his eyes, whereas God sees [what transpires in] one’s heart!\u201d (Shmuel 1, 17:7).<\/p>\n

Matchmaking has made me frequent witness to mistaken impressions. We all do it all the time, but I am ceaselessly amazed by how wrong people’s analyses of others can be.<\/p>\n

So if you ever find yourself asking, \u201cWhat\u2019s so great about her? What\u2019s so great about him?\u201d I suggest you stop looking for answers, and instead ask a different question: \u201cWhat can I do to become a better person?\u201d<\/p>\n

And here\u2019s the answer: Start by judging others favorably! Our sages teach that one who judges favorably is judged favorably (by Hashem). And if Hashem sees you favorably, perhaps you will be the next happy person walking down the aisle.<\/p>\n

*Anne\u2019s name has been changed.
\n
\nAbout Contributing Writers<\/u>:<\/b><\/i><\/p>\n

Through a partnership between SawYouAtSinai<\/a> and the Orthodox Union, informative and interesting articles are submitted and reviewed by our joint team. We are committed to helping singles of all ages find the bashert.<\/p>\n

Ziva Kramer<\/u>: Ziva has been a matchmaker, dating coach and spiritual advisor for professional singles in New York City for many years. She gives seminars all over the country and she is well known for her inspiring, standing-room-only seminars and her \u201cno-nonsense\u201d approach to the art of romantic fulfillment. Her witty, enthusiastic, dynamic, funny, controversial and extremely entertaining delivery tells it like it really is. She makes her audience laugh and cry, leaving them with a newfound clarity. With her sensitive and unique approach she devoted her life to help as many people as she can, becoming one of the most popular leaders on the New York City singles circuit.<\/p>\n

SawYouAtSinai.com<\/u>, with over 30,000 members and over 1,200 engaged members since 2004, is the largest Jewish matchmaking site and is impacting the lives Jewish singles worldwide. This Jewish Matchmaking site adds the personal touch of a matchmaker to facilitate each member’s unique personality & needs. Matchmakers pre-screen, select and send matches to members, and with profiles only accessible to compatible singles, privacy and discretion is maintained. With 300+ experienced matchmakers, SawYouAtSinai.com serves Traditional, Conservative, Orthodox and Yeshivish singles from Jewish communities all around the world. People can sign up today at www.SawYouAtSinai.com<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

As a matchmaker and dating coach, I hear the same questions practically every day. From women: \u201cHow did a girl like that get a guy like him?\u201d \u201cZiva! I know her. She\u2019s so self-centered. What does he see in her?\u201d And from men: \u201cHow did he land such a gorgeous, cool girl?\u201d \u201cHe\u2019s walking down<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":373,"featured_media":47992,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_cloudinary_featured_overwrite":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[18,85],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-13482","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-dating","category-inspiration"],"yoast_head":"\nWhy THAT Person and Not Me? - OU Life<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"As a matchmaker & dating coach I hear the same questions every day: How did a girl like that get a guy like him? 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