{"id":12334,"date":"2009-07-15T20:31:29","date_gmt":"2009-07-15T20:31:29","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/production.ou.org\/life\/other\/rachel_sofer_struggle_for_prayer\/"},"modified":"2015-11-02T06:42:00","modified_gmt":"2015-11-02T11:42:00","slug":"rachel_sofer_struggle_for_prayer","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/growth\/rachel_sofer_struggle_for_prayer\/","title":{"rendered":"Struggle for Prayer"},"content":{"rendered":"
\"image\"<\/div>\n

I can\u2019t daven<\/i>. I\u2019ve tried- I mean really tried- not just the shutting my eyes tightly and swayed type of tried. I\u2019ve tried charts and incentives, threats and no end of internal mussar<\/i> talks. I\u2019ve tried saying the words slowly, and then super fast as not to let myself lose concentration. I\u2019ve tried having different things in mind for each brocha, davening<\/i> for specific people, pausing for meditative breaths between each word. I\u2019ve learned through \u201cPraying with Fire\u201d- both one and two, \u201cRav Schwab on Tfilah\u201d, Artscroll\u2019s \u2018Shmone Esrei<\/i>\u2019 and am currently in the middle of \u201cSha\u2019arim B\u2019tfilah<\/i>\u201d. As an intellectual exercise, the learning\u2019s been great. In terms of my davening<\/i> it was basically pointless. I\u2019ve even tried completely stopping to daven for a couple of weeks, so that when I started again it would be exciting and fresh. It was nice not to daven<\/i>.<\/p>\n

I heard a story about\u2026I think it was Menachem Begin who was holding a meeting in his house. A religious cabinet member excused himself and tucked into a corner to whisper a speedy mincha<\/i>.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat\u2019s the point?\u201d the prime minister asked him, \u201cdo you think a tfilah like that accomplishes anything?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo,\u201d replied the fellow honestly. \u201cBut at least I\u2019m trying. If I keep doing that three times a day, eventually I\u2019ll make some sort of connection. But if you never even go through the motions\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

I found that story to be tremendously inspiring. See, even if I\u2019m just going through the motions, there is a point! One of these days I\u2019m going to make a connection! I heard that story over a decade ago. I think my lines are crossed.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m exaggerating of course. I have made a connection at times. There was one memorable Yom Kippur, and another time of intense personal suffering. I connected then. But out of the hundreds of hours I spent in tfilah over the past who knows how many years, I can count the meaningful ones on my fingers. Of one hand.<\/p>\n

This is a fairly private issue, my struggle for prayer. Standing around with a group of people in the grocery, teacher\u2019s room, on line in the bank, I find myself straining my ears as the conversation casually turns toward t\u2019filah<\/i>. I carefully gather each piece of advice offhandedly given, turning it over, examining it in my mind before mentally filing it away to try, or tossing out as impractical. We live in such scary times\u2026better to pray before it happens, then to pray after it happens<\/i>. That one always struck me as a bit fatalistic. And what kind of prayer is that- \u2018hello G-d, please don\u2019t hurt me\u2026\u201d. Sometimes I just need to take a break from all the structure\u2026I just like to let the words flow, let my thoughts come naturally. That\u2019s where the relationship is built, when you\u2019re talking to Him throughout the day<\/i>. I really liked that one. Vague, but sounded nice in a touchy-feely sort of way. Worth a shot, anyway. Turns out the only thing that flowed when I just let myself go was that day\u2019s to do list. I like to daven outside. So much more inspirational that way<\/i>. Never even tried that one. For one thing, I have a hard enough time focusing in my ten by twelve study, the last thing I needed was a wide open expanse to lose myself in. For another thing, where do I live, the Alps?!<\/p>\n

This is a source of intense embarrassment to me. Even pain. Yesterday, a student of mine who is like a sister to me handed me an article she tore out of a Jewish newspaper on\u00a0tefillah<\/i>\u00a0tips. I guess I must have mentioned at some point in the past my difficulties with kavannah<\/i> (concentration), maybe as an example of the fact that everyone struggles with things, I don\u2019t know. Regardless, I suppose she wanted to help me out a little. She, a kid of seventeen, davens<\/i> like it\u2019s ne\u2019ilah<\/i> two times a day. The irony was bitter and I, the teacher- of Yahadut<\/i> (Jewish practice) no less-, took the article from her and shoved it into the recesses of my bag with a tight lipped smile. Incidentally, I had already read the article, and tried all of the methods it suggested, for naught.<\/p>\n

So I take my siddur<\/i> off my shelf, walk to my designated praying-place, sometimes thinking that maybe this will be a good day, most of the time thinking nothing, waving the white flag before the fight\u2019s even begun. I take the three steps back, and the three forward, wondering where Hashem is, picturing Him in the room opposite me, thinking I\u2019m ridiculous for thinking He\u2019s right there with me, and then stifling that thought as blasphemous. I squeeze my eyes tightly shut sometimes and stand very, very still, my face all screwed up as I desperately try to pick up a vibe, tap into a power I know is there. Other times I sway loosely, rock back and forth to comfort myself for the words that fall off my lips mechanically while my thoughts take a trip from my past to my future, from my home in NJ all the way \u2018round the world until the three steps back wake me up again. Sometimes I catch myself as I say the verses for my name, and remember our sages\u2019 advice- now is the time to add your personal prayers<\/i>, but I\u2019m ashamed. Ignoring Hashem through the majority of my\u00a0tefillah<\/i>, can I suddenly remember Him to rattle off the shopping list of my needs? I close my siddur<\/i> quickly, anxious to turn to the parts of my life I am better at, k\u2019tinok haboreach min bet ha\u2019sefer<\/i>, like a child running from school. Maybe I\u2019m trying too hard, expecting too much. My wanting to pray has become my prayer.<\/p>\n

I haven’t stopped trying though\u2014and don\u2019t intend to. As a woman, I\u2019ve learned that I have a special chush\u00a0<\/i>(inclination) for\u00a0tefillah<\/i>– my birthright as a daughter of Chana. I don\u2019t want to give that up, and though at times I could swear I\u2019m missing that gene, I won\u2019t stop looking for it till the day I die. I want tefillah\u00a0<\/i>so badly I can taste it. I want to feel a connection, I want to feel like Someone is listening, I want to know that my words are making a difference somewhere out there in the celestial universe. If a person\u2019s greatest fault has the potential to also be their greatest attribute, as I\u2019ve once heard, then when I finally defeat this thing the world better stand back, because my tefillah<\/i>\u2019s<\/i> going to have the power to bring mashiach<\/i>.<\/p>\n

There is a Chasidic thought that all of a person\u2019s prayers that he prays without intent are piled high, creating a huge mountain of sorts. As he reaches a point in his life that he somehow creates a significant tefillah<\/i>, he manages to tip over, fall over the edge of the wall he\u2019s been scaling, entering the realm of tefillah\u00a0<\/i>b\u2019kavana<\/i>. And at that point, not only does he learn the art of davening, but all of the other tefillot\u00a0<\/i>he\u2019s davened, all that garbage, comes with him over the wall, transforming them, too, into something meaningful, something necessary that was an integral part of his journey. May it happen for me soon.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I can\u2019t daven. I\u2019ve tried- I mean really tried- not just the shutting my eyes tightly and swayed type of tried. I\u2019ve tried charts and incentives, threats and no end of internal mussar talks. I\u2019ve tried saying the words slowly, and then super fast as not to let myself lose concentration. I\u2019ve tried having different<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":268,"featured_media":46306,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[89],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-12334","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-growth"],"yoast_head":"\nStruggle for Prayer - OU Life<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"I want tefillah so badly I can taste it. 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