{"id":12180,"date":"2008-11-06T04:31:00","date_gmt":"2008-11-06T04:31:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/production.ou.org\/life\/other\/michael_levy_lech_lecha_stand_by_me\/"},"modified":"2016-11-28T04:10:41","modified_gmt":"2016-11-28T09:10:41","slug":"michael_levy_lech_lecha_stand_by_me","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/parenting\/michael_levy_lech_lecha_stand_by_me\/","title":{"rendered":"Lech Lecha: Stand by Me"},"content":{"rendered":"
\"image\"<\/div>\n

A long-term study of the lives of 173 Harvard graduates, published in 1990, found that those who had had a close relationship with siblings at college age were the ones most likely to be happy at age 65 (1)<\/a>. The finding surprised scientists and lay readers alike.<\/p>\n

The parents of Ilan and Channan didn\u2019t have time to read about the Harvard study. They were too busy trying to keep the boys in one piece so that they could reach college age.<\/p>\n

\u201cIs there anything we can do so the two of you will stop fighting?\u201d<\/p>\n

Their parents were between them, but Ilan and Channan managed to annoy each other anyway.<\/p>\n

\u201cSoda!\u201d It sounded like stereo.<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s Shabbos, we can’t buy you soda,\u201d their father sighed.<\/p>\n

\u201cHere\u2019s an idea!\u201d said his wife. \u201cYou can IMAGINE that you have soda. Each of you can have an IMAGINARY soda!\u201d<\/p>\n

The boys were young enough to be distracted. They interpreted her desperation as enthusiasm, so they entered into the game. The truce lasted ten minutes.<\/p>\n

\u201cNow what?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHe took my IMAGINARY soda!\u201d<\/p>\n

At this time of year, almost every week\u2019s Torah portion brings another episode of sibling struggles. Cain kills Abel. Kna-an\u2019s son \u2018Cham shames Noah. His brothers Shem and Japheth defend Noah. Around the corner wait Isaac and Ishmael, Jacob and Esau, and Joseph and his brothers.<\/p>\n

Nevertheless, this week\u2019s Torah portion suggests that there may be a way to progress from sibling rivalry to sibling chivalry.<\/p>\n

\u201cThere was a quarrel between the shepherds of Abram\u2019s livestock and the shepherds of Lot\u2019s livestock, the Canaanite and the Prizite occupying the land at that time. Abram said to Lot \u201cPlease, let there not be a quarrel between you and me, or between my shepherds and your shepherds, for we are brothers. Is not the entire land before you? Separate from me, please, if (you go) to the left then I will go right, and if (you go) right, then I will go left.\u201d(Genesis 13, 7-9.)<\/p>\n

Abraham didn\u2019t say, \u201cIf you were a better manager, this wouldn\u2019t have happened.\u201d \u201cHow come there\u2019s always enough until you show up?\u201d \u201cNow I understand why the say \u2018you can pick your friends, but you can\u2019t pick your relatives.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n

In style and content, Abraham\u2019s words are conciliatory. He twice says \u201cma,\u201d (please) and speaks with calm, almost poetic cadence.<\/p>\n

He acknowledges that a quarrel could develop, rather than ignoring the tension or plunging headlong into a fight.<\/p>\n

Abraham applies the term \u201cbrother\u201d to his nephew\u2014not uncommon in biblical parlance. Nevertheless, the expression shows Abraham\u2019s respect for LOT, HINTING THAT for Abraham, preserving the relationship is much more important than winning an argument.<\/p>\n

Rather than casting blame, Abraham concentrates on how a quarrel can be avoided. He realizes that he and Lot must put some distance between each other, and lets Lot choose which land he will take. The commentary \u201cHa\u2019ktav v’hakabalah\u201d sees Abraham as willing to take the land of inferior quality, all with a good heart.<\/p>\n

Rashi portrays Abraham as saying \u201cwherever you live, I will not go (too) far away from you. I\u2019ll stand by you to defend and help you.\u201d In other words, \u201cIf you go left, I\u2019ll be there on your right to come to your assistance.\u201d Rashi notes that later, Abraham did indeed rescue Lot from captivity. From Rashi\u2019s words, Rabbi Neil Fleischmann teaches that \u201cDear brothers and sisters are to our right or our Left, but we can view these positions simply as angles from which we must support one another.\u201d<\/p>\n

The word \u201cach,\u201d brother, derives (according to R. Moshe Eisenman) from the root \u201caleph, chet, heh\u201d\u2014to bind together. It is as if the Hebrew language itself is reminding us \u201cIt is natural and proper for siblings to be bound together, to stand together.<\/p>\n

Abraham never attended \u201cEncounter Sessions for Siblings.\u201d He didn’t mine Google for articles on positive sibling relationships. It is tempting to speculate that he weathered a crisis with Lot based on watching his own parents.<\/p>\n

His father was an idol-worshipper; his mother is portrayed as much more of a \u201ctzadeket.\u201d From his mother\u2019s perspective, Abraham learned that you can distance yourself from a family member\u2019s undesirable behavior without resorting to quarrels that would tear the family apart, and might not stop the undesirable behavior anyway.<\/p>\n

Ilan and Channan, the \u201csoda boys,\u201d are fine young gentlemen today. If they fight, it is only over which explanation of the Gemara is correct. Their parents, who have had their disagreements, but who consistently help and comfort each other and many others as well, have led them on the path from sibling rivalry to sibling chivalry.<\/p>\n

Their younger sibling Eliyahu had his own \u201cbrother\u201d experience. R. Shlomo Karlbach, alav Hashalom, greeted him when he was probably no more than six or seven, with his characteristic \u201choly brother\u201d expression.<\/p>\n

\u201cIs that man drunk?\u201d Eliyahu asked his mother.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhy would you think a thing like that?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHe thinks I\u2019m his brother.\u201d<\/p>\n

His mother pondered for a moment. \u201cHe treats everybody like a brother.\u201d<\/p>\n

The boy replied, \u201cI think I understand.\u201d<\/p>\n

Amid the frequent sibling rivalry in Genesis, the seeds of reconciliation that Abraham plants will bear wondrous fruit. The marriage of Boaz and Ruth, two descendants of Abraham and Lot, brings the birth of King David many generations later. From King David will come the Messiah. Thus, there is a direct link between two kinsmen who preserve closeness at the beginning of history and the figure who will end history\u2019s strife with unity and happiness.<\/p>\n

May G-d give us the wisdom to find \u201cclose brothers,\u201d and yet give them room to be who they need to be, in our families and in Klal Yisroel, so that tranquility fills our later years.<\/p>\n

<\/a>1. Daniel Goleman, \u201cMen at 65: New Findings On Well-Being,\u201d The New York Times, Science Desk, January 16, 1990.<\/p>\n

\n

Rabbi Michael Levy is the director of travel training at MTA New York City Transit. For many years, he has regularly contributed Divrei Torah to Lincoln Square Synagogue\u2019s<\/i> \u201cShabbat Echad\u201d bulletin. Rabbi Levy, committed to the integration of Jews with disabilities into all aspects of Jewish life, is a board member of<\/i> \u201cComputer Sciences for the Blind,\u201d and<\/i> \u201cYad Hachazakah\u2014Jewish Disability Empowerment Center.\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

A long-term study of the lives of 173 Harvard graduates, published in 1990, found that those who had had a close relationship with siblings at college age were the ones most likely to be happy at age 65 (1). The finding surprised scientists and lay readers alike. The parents of Ilan and Channan didn\u2019t have<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":156,"featured_media":44326,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_cloudinary_featured_overwrite":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[5],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-12180","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-parenting"],"yoast_head":"\nLech Lecha: Stand by Me - OU Life<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Avraham acknowledges that a quarrel could develop between him and Lot, rather than ignoring the tension or plunging headlong into a fight\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/parenting\/michael_levy_lech_lecha_stand_by_me\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Lech Lecha: Stand by Me - OU Life\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Avraham acknowledges that a quarrel could develop between him and Lot, rather than ignoring the tension or plunging headlong into a fight\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/parenting\/michael_levy_lech_lecha_stand_by_me\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"OU Life\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2008-11-06T04:31:00+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:modified_time\" content=\"2016-11-28T09:10:41+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/files\/Sibling-Rivalry.jpg\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:width\" content=\"1000\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:height\" content=\"792\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:type\" content=\"image\/jpeg\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"Rabbi Michael Levy\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"Rabbi Michael Levy\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"5 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\/\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/parenting\/michael_levy_lech_lecha_stand_by_me\/\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/parenting\/michael_levy_lech_lecha_stand_by_me\/\",\"name\":\"Lech Lecha: Stand by Me - OU Life\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/#website\"},\"primaryImageOfPage\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/parenting\/michael_levy_lech_lecha_stand_by_me\/#primaryimage\"},\"image\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/parenting\/michael_levy_lech_lecha_stand_by_me\/#primaryimage\"},\"thumbnailUrl\":\"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/files\/Sibling-Rivalry.jpg\",\"datePublished\":\"2008-11-06T04:31:00+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2016-11-28T09:10:41+00:00\",\"author\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/#\/schema\/person\/fc4b2258140f4e7e1954891161d6ee59\"},\"description\":\"Avraham acknowledges that a quarrel could develop between him and Lot, rather than ignoring the tension or plunging headlong into a fight\",\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"ReadAction\",\"target\":[\"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/parenting\/michael_levy_lech_lecha_stand_by_me\/\"]}]},{\"@type\":\"ImageObject\",\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/parenting\/michael_levy_lech_lecha_stand_by_me\/#primaryimage\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/files\/Sibling-Rivalry.jpg\",\"contentUrl\":\"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/files\/Sibling-Rivalry.jpg\",\"width\":1000,\"height\":792,\"caption\":\"Sibling Rivalry\"},{\"@type\":\"WebSite\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/#website\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/\",\"name\":\"OU Life\",\"description\":\"Everyday Jewish Living\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"SearchAction\",\"target\":{\"@type\":\"EntryPoint\",\"urlTemplate\":\"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/?s={search_term_string}\"},\"query-input\":{\"@type\":\"PropertyValueSpecification\",\"valueRequired\":true,\"valueName\":\"search_term_string\"}}],\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\"},{\"@type\":\"Person\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/#\/schema\/person\/fc4b2258140f4e7e1954891161d6ee59\",\"name\":\"Rabbi Michael Levy\",\"image\":{\"@type\":\"ImageObject\",\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/#\/schema\/person\/image\/\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/e27caa4e1e6f8a31e001b446e3108c19832403626cfbbd2f63872efca6c58f82?s=96&d=mm&r=g\",\"contentUrl\":\"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/e27caa4e1e6f8a31e001b446e3108c19832403626cfbbd2f63872efca6c58f82?s=96&d=mm&r=g\",\"caption\":\"Rabbi Michael Levy\"},\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/author\/rabbi_michael_levyou-org\/\"}]}<\/script>\n<!-- \/ Yoast SEO plugin. -->","yoast_head_json":{"title":"Lech Lecha: Stand by Me - OU Life","description":"Avraham acknowledges that a quarrel could develop between him and Lot, rather than ignoring the tension or plunging headlong into a fight","robots":{"index":"index","follow":"follow","max-snippet":"max-snippet:-1","max-image-preview":"max-image-preview:large","max-video-preview":"max-video-preview:-1"},"canonical":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/parenting\/michael_levy_lech_lecha_stand_by_me\/","og_locale":"en_US","og_type":"article","og_title":"Lech Lecha: Stand by Me - OU Life","og_description":"Avraham acknowledges that a quarrel could develop between him and Lot, rather than ignoring the tension or plunging headlong into a fight","og_url":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/parenting\/michael_levy_lech_lecha_stand_by_me\/","og_site_name":"OU Life","article_published_time":"2008-11-06T04:31:00+00:00","article_modified_time":"2016-11-28T09:10:41+00:00","og_image":[{"width":1000,"height":792,"url":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/files\/Sibling-Rivalry.jpg","type":"image\/jpeg"}],"author":"Rabbi Michael Levy","twitter_card":"summary_large_image","twitter_misc":{"Written by":"Rabbi Michael Levy","Est. reading time":"5 minutes"},"schema":{"@context":"https:\/\/schema.org","@graph":[{"@type":"WebPage","@id":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/parenting\/michael_levy_lech_lecha_stand_by_me\/","url":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/parenting\/michael_levy_lech_lecha_stand_by_me\/","name":"Lech Lecha: Stand by Me - OU Life","isPartOf":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/#website"},"primaryImageOfPage":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/parenting\/michael_levy_lech_lecha_stand_by_me\/#primaryimage"},"image":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/parenting\/michael_levy_lech_lecha_stand_by_me\/#primaryimage"},"thumbnailUrl":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/files\/Sibling-Rivalry.jpg","datePublished":"2008-11-06T04:31:00+00:00","dateModified":"2016-11-28T09:10:41+00:00","author":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/#\/schema\/person\/fc4b2258140f4e7e1954891161d6ee59"},"description":"Avraham acknowledges that a quarrel could develop between him and Lot, rather than ignoring the tension or plunging headlong into a fight","inLanguage":"en-US","potentialAction":[{"@type":"ReadAction","target":["https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/parenting\/michael_levy_lech_lecha_stand_by_me\/"]}]},{"@type":"ImageObject","inLanguage":"en-US","@id":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/parenting\/michael_levy_lech_lecha_stand_by_me\/#primaryimage","url":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/files\/Sibling-Rivalry.jpg","contentUrl":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/files\/Sibling-Rivalry.jpg","width":1000,"height":792,"caption":"Sibling Rivalry"},{"@type":"WebSite","@id":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/#website","url":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/","name":"OU Life","description":"Everyday Jewish Living","potentialAction":[{"@type":"SearchAction","target":{"@type":"EntryPoint","urlTemplate":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/?s={search_term_string}"},"query-input":{"@type":"PropertyValueSpecification","valueRequired":true,"valueName":"search_term_string"}}],"inLanguage":"en-US"},{"@type":"Person","@id":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/#\/schema\/person\/fc4b2258140f4e7e1954891161d6ee59","name":"Rabbi Michael Levy","image":{"@type":"ImageObject","inLanguage":"en-US","@id":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/#\/schema\/person\/image\/","url":"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/e27caa4e1e6f8a31e001b446e3108c19832403626cfbbd2f63872efca6c58f82?s=96&d=mm&r=g","contentUrl":"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/e27caa4e1e6f8a31e001b446e3108c19832403626cfbbd2f63872efca6c58f82?s=96&d=mm&r=g","caption":"Rabbi Michael Levy"},"url":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/author\/rabbi_michael_levyou-org\/"}]}},"acf":[],"brizy_media":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/12180","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/156"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=12180"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/12180\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":44325,"href":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/12180\/revisions\/44325"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/44326"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=12180"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=12180"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=12180"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}