{"id":10476,"date":"2007-01-25T06:42:00","date_gmt":"2007-01-25T06:42:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/production.ou.org\/life\/other\/make_mine_old_fashioned\/"},"modified":"2015-10-25T06:48:03","modified_gmt":"2015-10-25T11:48:03","slug":"make_mine_old_fashioned","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/parenting\/make_mine_old_fashioned\/","title":{"rendered":"Make Mine Old Fashioned"},"content":{"rendered":"
\"image\"<\/div>\n

It\u2019s high time to rewrite the song from Bye Bye Birdie<\/i>: \u201cWhat\u2019s the Matter with Kids Today?\u201d Let\u2019s call it \u201cWhat\u2019s the Matter with Parents Today?\u201d and compose lyrics that reflect the growing trend of parental abdication, ostrich tendencies and just plain spinelessness.<\/p>\n

I was thumbing through a parenting magazine recently and read a letter addressed to the columnist who fields questions from parents of teens. This mom wrote that her 15-year-old daughter had been invited to the senior prom and that after the prom for an all-night party. The mom, \u201cdidn\u2019t know if it was a good idea, but didn\u2019t want to tell [her] daughter no and appear old fashioned.\u201d The columnist\u2019s mushy advice made me want to write a stanza asking what\u2019s the matter with advice columnists today.<\/p>\n

I\u2019d rather my 15-year-old daughter tell me I’m old fashioned than I’m about to be a grandma.<\/div>\n

Let\u2019s see now…the mother didn\u2019t know if it was a good idea to let her 15-year-old daughter spend the wee hours of the morning with a dozen 17 and 18 year olds, alcohol etc., and all that might entail? The mom was more concerned with her own image than with her daughter contracting an STD, a pregnancy or at the very least a really horrible hangover. Maybe all the kids planned on doing was talk about how much they will miss each other over the summer and about how hard exams were and how excited they are for summer to begin. Anyone want to lay bets? I\u2019d rather my 15-year-old daughter tell me I\u2019m old fashioned than I\u2019m about to be a grandma.<\/p>\n

What\u2019s wrong with old fashioned? Judaism is old fashioned from the gitgo and as my kids are in the throes of their teen years I take comfort not just in the steadfastness of Jewish values but in how relevant and reality based they are. Judaism doesn\u2019t say physical intimacy is a sinful necessity for procreation. Judaism says such intimate relationships can be holy or unholy. Holy is within the context of marriage or at the very least as a component of a loving adult relationship. Unholy is one night stands, a series of casual partners, and saying \u201cyes\u201d because you\u2019re too uncomfortable to say \u201cno\u201d.<\/p>\n

AIDS researchers report that during sexual contact one not only comes into contact with the current partner\u2019s bodily fluids but with those of everyone he or she has already slept with. Eons before HIV hit the scene, rabbinic thought gave us the metaphysical understanding that when we are intimate with another we relinquish a piece of our soul and absorb a piece of our partner\u2019s. Whose soul, and how many, do we really want swirling around within?<\/p>\n

Judaism\u2019s take on alcohol is equally reasoned. Alcohol is not forbidden outright. It has a place within the context of Jewish life. Wine is a symbol of gladness. Its purpose is to enable us to sanctify a moment in time. Only on Purim are we allowed to become so inebriated that we cannot distinguish between Haman and Mordechai. Torah gives examples of what drunkenness can lead to — Lot\u2019s daughters got him drunk and then seduced him. God told Aaron, the High Priest, \u201cDrink no wine or other intoxicants, you or your sons with you, when you enter the Tent of Meeting that you may die — it is a law for all time throughout the ages.\u201d An idea fashioned in olden days — that there is a time and place for alcohol; that when you are about to do something holy or needing your full attention, don\u2019t have your wits dulled by alcohol. God\u2019s dictum to Aaron is akin to today\u2019s \u201cdon\u2019t drink and drive\u201d warnings. Are Jews immune from alcoholism? No way. Does Judaism have a religious standard vis a vis alcohol? Absolutely. No pun intended. As parents we should consider fortifying ourselves with our tradition\u2019s approach to alcohol and sex.<\/p>\n

I don\u2019t know what\u2019s hot in your neighborhood, but here in Michigan the trend in high school senior trips is a week-long jaunt down to Cancun. The Detroit Free Press ran a series of articles about the goings on down there. Debauched doesn\u2019t begin to describe it. Here is a list of the week\u2019s activities: drinking, sex, drinking, vomiting, drinking, swimming, drinking, sex, vomiting, passing out, drinking, dancing, drinking, drinking. The parents interviewed in the paper said that they couldn’t tell their kids no. They said their children were \u201coff to college in a few months, anyway\u201d. \u201cWhat are you gonna do?\u201d asked another. \u201cThey’re nearly adults.\u201d Care to join me in a refrain from \u201cWhat’s the matter with parents today?\u201d<\/p>\n

Am I the only one who anticipates telling my kids \u201cno\u201d to Cancun? Am I the only one who sees the difference between the expectations of the college environment and Cancun? Partying is a part and parcel of college life. Students have to decide how much and how often, if at all. Indulge at the expense of your studies and you’re out. Indulge too much in Cancun and you win a T-shirt and souvenir beer mug. Why should it be so hard to tell our kids that these places are unwholesome? What’s the problem with laying it out that even good kids, reasonable kids whose heads and values are on straight, can end up in unforeseen trouble simply by being in these vacation places where so little is valued?<\/p>\n

A mom once said to me, \u201cDebra, what planet are you from?\u201d when I told her my 8th grader wasn’t smoking pot with his friends. Four years later this parent split the cost of Cancun as her daughter’s graduation present. She shared this and more at a dinner party. I gained three pounds that night eating desserts enough to keep my mouth busy.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m from planet realistic. My kids will likely do some risky things I may not know about for years, if ever. I’m from planet consequences-will-be-delivered-when-standards-are-ignored. Ultimately, I’m from planet Judaism, where old fashioned is not a pejorative but the road map for parenting with courage and strength. Now tell me, what’s the matter with that?<\/p>\n

\n

\u00a9 Debra Darvick 2001. Reprinted with permission of the author. Make Mine Old fashioned originally appeared on the Jewish Family and Life website, JFLmedia.com. Debra Darvick’s most recent work is This Jewish Life: Stories of Discovery, Connection and Joy. The book may be ordered from www.debradarvick.com<\/a> or by calling the publisher at 800.880.8642<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

It\u2019s high time to rewrite the song from Bye Bye Birdie: \u201cWhat\u2019s the Matter with Kids Today?\u201d Let\u2019s call it \u201cWhat\u2019s the Matter with Parents Today?\u201d and compose lyrics that reflect the growing trend of parental abdication, ostrich tendencies and just plain spinelessness. I was thumbing through a parenting magazine recently and read a letter<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":175,"featured_media":49382,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_cloudinary_featured_overwrite":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[5],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-10476","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-parenting"],"yoast_head":"\nMake Mine Old Fashioned - OU Life<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"I\u2019d rather my 15-year-old daughter tell me I'm old fashioned than I'm about to be a grandma. 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