{"id":564,"date":"2026-08-27T18:40:54","date_gmt":"2026-08-27T18:40:54","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/kol-echad\/?p=564"},"modified":"2026-08-27T23:43:27","modified_gmt":"2026-08-27T23:43:27","slug":"divorce-support-isnt-just-for-women-supporting-men-and-women-by-placing-our-kids-first","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/kol-echad\/divorce-support-isnt-just-for-women-supporting-men-and-women-by-placing-our-kids-first\/","title":{"rendered":"Divorce Support Isn’t Just for Women: Supporting Men and Women By Placing Our Kids First"},"content":{"rendered":"

by Sarah B. Weiss<\/em><\/p>\n

Divorce is painful. But divorce itself is not always what damages children most.<\/span><\/p>\n

Sometimes it is everything that happens around it: the fighting, the anger, the money spent battling, the conversations children overhear, and the feeling that they are stuck between the two people they love most.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cChildren are not victims of divorce,\u201d Ari Shainfeld says. \u201cThey are victims of their parents fighting and of their parents\u2019 conflict.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

It is a distinction that sits at the heart of Our Kids First, a UK-based organization helping Jewish families navigate divorce with one central goal: protecting the children caught in the middle.<\/span><\/p>\n

Today, the organization provides everything from mediation and divorce guidance to therapy, meals, parenting courses, children\u2019s programming, and financial assistance. But it started much more informally, with a few divorced men trying to help each other through something none of them quite knew how to navigate.<\/span><\/p>\n

Nobody to Call<\/b><\/h3>\n

When Billy Katz was going through his own divorce, he quickly discovered how little support existed for someone in his position. There were lawyers, rabbanim, and professionals who could help with individual pieces of the process, but there was no obvious place to call and simply ask: What am I supposed to do now?<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI realized there was no support for anyone out there,\u201d he recalls.<\/span><\/p>\n

So Billy started reaching out to other divorced men and created a WhatsApp group. It began with just three or four people. One of the men he tried recruiting was his neighbor, Ari, who happened to be going through a divorce of his own.<\/span><\/p>\n

Ari was not particularly interested.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cHe said, \u2018I\u2019m not into joining you sad men,\u2019\u201d Billy recalls with a laugh.<\/span><\/p>\n

Billy eventually convinced him. That small group now has more than 140 men, with a similar group for women.<\/span><\/p>\n

Over time, the group became more than a place to talk. People started helping each other with the practical parts of divorce. Someone knew how to fill out a form. Someone knew a good solicitor or dayan. Someone else had already dealt with the problem another person was now facing.<\/span><\/p>\n

The WhatsApp group led to social gatherings, and the gatherings gradually became a broader support network. Billy and Ari began to see that the problem was not a lack of individual resources. What was missing was somewhere that could help a family figure out what they needed and guide them through the entire process.<\/span><\/p>\n

Eventually, that became Our Kids First.<\/span><\/p>\n

Why the Kids Come First<\/b><\/h3>\n

It took Billy, Ari, and the other founders time to settle on a name. The answer came from thinking about who had the least control over everything happening.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWe\u2019re adults,\u201d Ari explains. \u201cWe have our histories, we make our decisions, and we make our own choices. The kids are having our choices imposed on them.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

That became the guiding idea behind the organization. It was not about advocating for fathers or mothers. It was about helping both parents make decisions with their children\u2019s future in mind.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cParents don\u2019t have rights. They have responsibilities. Children have rights.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

When parents spend their emotional energy fighting each other, Ari explains, children absorb far more than adults sometimes realize. They see how conflict is handled, experience the instability around them, and can carry the effects long after the legal process is finished.<\/span><\/p>\n

But Ari is equally adamant that divorce itself does not automatically destroy children.<\/span><\/p>\n

He points to his own family. His divorce was difficult, particularly in the beginning, but he and his former wife eventually developed a healthy co-parenting relationship and tried to shield their children from the conflict.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cThe children can be okay if their parents do it right.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

That belief shapes much of what Our Kids First does. The goal is not to pretend that divorce is painless. It is to help parents get through it without allowing their pain to become their children\u2019s burden.<\/span><\/p>\n

What Do I Do Now?<\/b><\/h3>\n

People often reach out to Our Kids First at one of the most disorienting moments of their lives. Their marriage is ending, or may be ending, and suddenly they are dealing with questions they never expected to face.<\/span><\/p>\n

Do I leave the house? How do I get a get? How does the civil divorce work? What happens with the children? How much will this cost? Who am I supposed to call?<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWhat people come to us and say is, \u2018Okay, what do I do now?\u2019\u201d Ari explains.<\/span><\/p>\n

Ideally, Our Kids First becomes involved early. The team assesses what the family needs and connects both parents with appropriate resources. Sometimes the most urgent concerns have little to do with the actual divorce process.<\/span><\/p>\n

Does the parent have somewhere to live? Can they afford their bills? Is there food in the house? Do the children\u2019s teachers know what is happening? Is the parent getting the emotional support necessary to make major decisions?<\/span><\/p>\n

From there, the organization can help families navigate mediation, finances, parenting arrangements, the get, the civil process, and other issues that arise.<\/span><\/p>\n

Our Kids First also provides in-house family mediation, helping couples work through arrangements involving their children and finances while trying to avoid unnecessary court battles and legal expenses.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWe will guide them through each one of these steps stage by stage in the quickest, cheapest and most amicable way possible.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

It Started in Billy\u2019s Kitchen<\/b><\/h3>\n

Some of the organization\u2019s programs came directly from problems Billy encountered himself.<\/span><\/p>\n

When he first got divorced, he did not know how to cook. So he started learning. He watched YouTube videos, asked friends questions, and figured out how to make basic Shabbos foods.<\/span><\/p>\n

Then he realized other divorced fathers were struggling with the same thing.<\/span><\/p>\n

On Thursday nights, when Billy was home with his son, he would cook and message the WhatsApp group to see if anyone else wanted food. At first he was cooking for five or six fathers.<\/span><\/p>\n

Eight years later, what started in Billy\u2019s kitchen has become a food hub providing meals to roughly 25 to 30 families each week. Parents who cannot afford food that week, or who are simply overwhelmed, can receive a cooked Shabbos meal.<\/span><\/p>\n

There are also cooking classes for fathers, therapy and resilience programs, social events for men and women, and programming specifically for children.<\/span><\/p>\n

Through a prgram called, <\/span>Kids in Mind, children from divorced homes participate in homework clubs, art programs, trips, and other activities. Billy recalls one event where children began talking to each other about living between two homes. It was the kind of conversation they might not be able to have with most classmates. Here, nobody needed much explanation.<\/span><\/p>\n

The Loneliness Nobody Sees<\/b><\/h3>\n

One of the recurring issues Billy and Ari encounter is loneliness.<\/span><\/p>\n

A parent who was accustomed to having a spouse and children at home can suddenly find themselves alone for long stretches. Shabbos can be particularly difficult, especially during the summer when the day seems to go on forever.<\/span><\/p>\n

In response, Billy created an initiative called \u201cCheck In, Reach Out, Invite.\u201d The idea is straightforward: if you know someone going through a difficult time, check in on them. If they need somewhere to go for Shabbos, invite them.<\/span><\/p>\n

Billy maintains a WhatsApp group of people willing to host those who need meals. Sometimes that simple invitation is more useful than another conversation about the divorce.<\/span><\/p>\n

He has also found that volunteering can help people rebuild after their own divorce. Billy encourages people who have received support from Our Kids First to help someone else when they are ready.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWhen people give back and help other people going through divorce, it\u2019s so powerful,\u201d he says.<\/span><\/p>\n

For someone used to having their children home full time, suddenly having days or weekends without them can leave an enormous hole. Having somewhere to go, something to do, and someone else who needs you can help fill part of it.<\/span><\/p>\n

Just Give Them Love<\/b><\/h3>\n

Interestingly, some of the damage Billy and Ari see comes from people who genuinely believe they are helping.<\/span><\/p>\n

A parent, sibling, or friend sees someone they love hurting and instinctively takes their side. They become angry on their behalf. They tell them not to give in, to fight harder, or to go after the other spouse.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cFamily and friends who mean best sometimes can cause the most damage,\u201d Billy says.<\/span><\/p>\n

His advice is simple: \u201cJust give love.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Let professionals handle the divorce advice. Bring over food. Invite the person for Shabbos. Call when you know they are alone. Help with the children. Listen.<\/span><\/p>\n

Ari believes the same principle applies to rabbis and other communal leaders. They should understand enough about divorce and mental health to recognize when someone needs help, but they also need to recognize the limits of their expertise.<\/span><\/p>\n

He remembers being taught a similar lesson during his own rabbinic training. A rabbi should understand therapy well enough to recognize the issues and know where to refer someone, but that does not make him a therapist.<\/span><\/p>\n

The same is true for divorce.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYour job is to love and to care and to refer,\u201d Ari says, \u201cnot to give the answers.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

No Two Families Are the Same<\/b><\/h3>\n

After working with hundreds of families, Billy and Ari have learned that there is no standard divorce.<\/span><\/p>\n

Some people need financial help. Some need therapy. Some need mediation. A father may need help learning to run a household while working and caring for his children. A mother who relied on her husband financially may suddenly need help understanding bills and household expenses. In another family, the children may need the most immediate support.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cThere\u2019s no two cases the same,\u201d Billy says. \u201cEvery person needs different support.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

That is why Our Kids First has grown into something much broader than the WhatsApp group where it began. The organization has developed separated-parenting courses designed specifically for the frum community, dealing with issues like Yom Tov, different religious standards between homes, and communication between parents. It offers training in high-conflict communication and works with schools so teachers can recognize when children are struggling.<\/span><\/p>\n

And sometimes the help continues long after the divorce itself is technically over.<\/span><\/p>\n

Billy describes one father they were still helping five or six years after his divorce. The man was making a wedding and needed to buy a suit, but he had nobody to go with him.<\/span><\/p>\n

So Billy went along.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWhat are we meant to do?\u201d he says. \u201cHe\u2019s by himself.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

That kind of support is difficult to fit neatly into a list of services, but it is a large part of what Our Kids First has become. If someone still needs help years later, Billy and Ari do not see the passage of time as a reason to disappear.<\/span><\/p>\n

Thinking Bigger<\/b><\/h3>\n

Our Kids First has now supported close to 400 families, and Ari believes the organization is approaching the point where it can reach most of the families who need its services in the UK.<\/span><\/p>\n

His longer-term vision is to bring the model elsewhere.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI haven\u2019t seen anything quite like it anywhere in the world.\u201d There are organizations addressing individual aspects of divorce, but he believes the comprehensive model they have built could be replicated in the United States, Israel, and other Jewish communities.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cIf you would have told me this two years ago, I would have told you, \u2018Shut up and stop dreaming. But until now, every crazy goal that we have set ourselves has happened.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Billy, meanwhile, thinks some of the work needs to begin before divorce is even on the table. He would like to see young couples taught better communication skills before marriage and communities become better educated about what to do when a family is struggling.<\/span><\/p>\n

For now, their focus remains on the families who call them asking the same question Billy once had: What do I do now?<\/span><\/p>\n

The answer will be different for every family. It may involve a mediator or therapist. It may mean helping with bills, finding a Shabbos meal, talking to a school, or teaching a father how to cook.<\/span><\/p>\n

But the starting point is always the same.<\/span><\/p>\n

Put the kids first.<\/b><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

To sign up for the Kol Echad Limited Series E-Magazine, click here:\u00a0https:\/\/www.ou.org\/kolechademail\/<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

by Sarah B. Weiss Divorce is painful. But divorce itself is not always what damages children most. Sometimes it is everything that happens around it: the fighting, the anger, the money spent battling, the conversations children overhear, and the feeling that they are stuck between the two people they love most. \u201cChildren are not victims […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":134185,"featured_media":566,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[3],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-564","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-making-a-difference"],"yoast_head":"\nDivorce Support Isn't Just for Women: Supporting Men and Women By Placing Our Kids First - Kol Echad<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/kol-echad\/divorce-support-isnt-just-for-women-supporting-men-and-women-by-placing-our-kids-first\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Divorce Support Isn't Just for Women: Supporting Men and Women By Placing Our Kids First - Kol Echad\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"by Sarah B. 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