{"id":521,"date":"2026-08-05T15:22:36","date_gmt":"2026-08-05T15:22:36","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/kol-echad\/?p=521"},"modified":"2026-08-09T14:11:08","modified_gmt":"2026-08-09T14:11:08","slug":"stop-managing-the-crisis-fix-the-system","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/kol-echad\/stop-managing-the-crisis-fix-the-system\/","title":{"rendered":"Stop Managing the Crisis. Fix the System."},"content":{"rendered":"

The burgeoning number of singles who are experiencing great difficulty with shidduchim \u2014 often referred to as the shidduch crisis \u2014 is\u00a0in reality just\u00a0a symptom of much deeper problems in the religious community, which combined make a systemic failure of the shidduch process inevitable.\u00a0What lies under the hood of this crisis is complex and multi-layered; it cannot be reduced to sound bites or a single cause.<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Consequently, any attempt to address the \u201cshidduch crisis\u201d that focuses only on the\u00a0symptom, without addressing the underlying causes of the problem, will have only marginal success at best, and will\u00a0fail to\u00a0fix the problem.<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

In 2003, I started a grassroots organization called EndTheMadness whose purpose was twofold: bring sanity and true Torah perspective back to the shidduch world, and create more and better opportunities for singles to meet.<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

One without the other is insufficient. If the community veers astray from the Torah, and people bring warped attitudes into shidduchim as a result, it\u00a0doesn\u2019t\u00a0matter how many events,\u00a0shadchanim, and apps are out there; they are doomed to fail. At the same time,\u00a0the many\u00a0singles who do have the right perspective still need more and better ways to meet. After all, you cannot marry someone you\u00a0don\u2019t\u00a0meet, and there have\u00a0probably never\u00a0been more hurdles to cross before one can even reach the milestone of a contrived blind meeting (which\u00a0shouldn\u2019t\u00a0even be called a date).<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

In the olden days\u00a0(our parents and grandparents),\u00a0<\/span>hishtadlus<\/span><\/i>\u00a0meant a man asking a woman out, the woman saying yes, and\u00a0both of them\u00a0putting their best foot forward with an\u00a0<\/span>ayin tov<\/span><\/i>. Today\u00a0<\/span>hishtadlus<\/span><\/i> means tinkering with a shidduch resume, sending it around to who-knows-who, paying a \u201ccoach,\u201d paying a gatekeeper for the <\/span>hope<\/span><\/i>\u00a0of being fixed up, engaging in bizarre\u00a0<\/span>segulos<\/span><\/i>, praying in cemeteries, and even taking extreme measures to alter one\u2019s appearance.<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

This is not healthy, and\u00a0as\u00a0I\u2019ve\u00a0written about elsewhere, I do not believe\u00a0this is\u00a0what Hashem wants\u00a0(see\u00a0<\/span>https:\/\/chananyaweissman.com\/article.php?id=295)<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n

EndTheMadness\u00a0never had more than a handful of volunteers at any given time. We\u00a0operated\u00a0without a board of directors, without an office, without any fundraising, without paying for advertising, without anyone taking a salary, without any politics or bureaucracy, without any shtick. We simply got things done, organizing over a hundred events of various types, including symposiums for the community and social events for singles (usually for $5-10 per person, with pizza included, and often for free), and dozens of\u00a0Shabbatons\u00a0(for which we initially charged $18, before raising it to $36, for a full weekend of programming and meals).<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

These events led to countless self-arranged dates, at least twenty marriages that we know of, and many other positive things that naturally occur when good people meet other good people in a relaxed environment (friendships, connections, job leads, etc.)<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

My purpose in running these events was larger than \u201cmerely\u201d helping the people who attended; it was to model for the community a better way that could easily be replicated on a larger scale. Instead of expensive singles events filled with pressure and awkwardness, which often require subsidies that drain community resources and turn singles into tzedaka recipients, whose success rate rivals that of a scratch-off lottery ticket, and which only magnify the pain and disillusionment for singles who don\u2019t hit the jackpot, EndTheMadness events were positive experiences even for those who didn\u2019t leave with a date and didn\u2019t break anyone\u2019s bank.<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

There is no need for collateral damage or human sacrifice for a tiny percentage of singles to find a match. Unfortunately, that is the consistent result of all the various shidduch groups, dating sites, apps, and other initiatives offered to singles.\u00a0EndTheMadness\u00a0modeled a better way and\u00a0demonstrated\u00a0proof of concept.<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

It is impossible to condense all the necessary pointers to fix the shidduch world in a single short article, but here are some suggestions that will\u00a0immediately\u00a0improve the situation. I encourage the community to read my two books on the subject,\u00a0<\/span>EndtheMadness\u00a0Guide to the Shidduch World<\/span><\/i>\u00a0and\u00a0<\/span>How to Not Get Married: Break these rules and you have a chance<\/span><\/i>, along with over a hundred articles, to get the full picture and finally turn things around for the better.<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

It can be done, and it is\u00a0<\/span>our\u00a0<\/span><\/i>responsibility to get it done.<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

    \n
  1. Invite a few single men and women for a Shabbos meal (to be clear, the same meal). Allow them, enable them, and encourage them to meet each other, without pressure or expectations. Maybe it will lead to a date, and maybe it won\u2019t. But it needs to become normal again for singles to meet each other through the course of regular life, without being thrust into forced environments like singles events and blind dates.<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/li>\n
  2. Make it normal for singles to be seated together at weddings and other events where there is no halachic imperative for them to be separated. No one is being forced. Your\u00a0chassidishe\u00a0cousins\u00a0don\u2019t\u00a0have to sit in mixed company, nor do married couples. Single women who\u00a0don\u2019t\u00a0want men to meet them naturally and ask them out (this is another problem that deserves greater discussion)\u00a0don\u2019t\u00a0have to sit with men. They can give their shidduch resume to\u00a0a\u00a0shadchan\u00a0or friend\u00a0and\u00a0plaintively gaze over the mechitza.<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

    But the\u00a0option\u00a0of meeting people with common friends and backgrounds, in this most natural and conducive\u00a0of environments, should be available for those who would like to take advantage of it. Every wedding can lead to another wedding, naturally.<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

    3. Get rid of shidduch resumes. Completely. They have only been around for the last 20 years or so, not the last 2000 (they had ink and paper then too), because they are a terrible idea. I know all the arguments about \u201csaving time\u201d and making things easier. These arguments are baloney. I\u2019ve elaborated a great deal about this in other articles for those who don\u2019t already get it, but those who <\/span>do<\/span><\/i>\u00a0get it need to take back their humanity, have a bit more\u00a0<\/span>bitachon<\/span><\/i>, and insist that anyone who wants to be involved in their personal life get to know them personally.<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

    So much about the shidduch world today is dehumanizing, and the reduction of singles with minds, hearts, and souls to a boilerplate resume is incredibly dehumanizing.\u00a0<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

    \"\"<\/p>\n

    Get to know singles as real people, and privately take your own notes if you need them. By all means, make a suggestion, but be prepared to explain why you thought of this particular gal for this particular guy. Unless you have <\/span>ruach\u00a0hakodesh\u00a0<\/span><\/i>or an impeccable\u00a0track record, saying you have a hunch\u00a0doesn\u2019t\u00a0cut it.<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

    Singles should also insist on having a real conversation\u00a0with anyone who wishes to be involved in their personal life\u00a0before being given a sales pitch. Would-be matchmakers who\u00a0don\u2019t\u00a0care enough to do this\u00a0don\u2019t\u00a0need to be involved in their personal lives. Hashem can find a better\u00a0<\/span>shaliach<\/span><\/i>.<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

    4. Stop doing things like the Roman matron who thought she could outdo Hashem by making \u201cspeed matches\u201d. The latest craze is AI suggesting matches based on shidduch resumes. Can you get any more dehumanizing than that? I hope we don\u2019t have to find out.<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

    The primary focus should not be on \u201csaving time\u201d or working with the greatest number of people. It should be on doing things the right way, making this the norm, and counting on Hashem to bless our individual and collective efforts.<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

    5. Take responsibility for singles in your shul and neighborhood. This does not and should not mean making them into a <\/span>chessed<\/span><\/i> project. Everyone has needs, and in a healthy community, we will be aware of and sensitive to other people\u2019s needs. For example, if someone is sick, or a woman just gave birth, we organize to provide them meals and run errands for them. If someone needs a job, we try to help them. If someone needs to get married, we get to know them and their needs, and try to help them as a friend and concerned member of the community \u2014 just as they would do for us.<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

    6. Make it normal f<\/span>or singles who daven in the same shul for years on end to actually meet each other. They should not have to enter a shidduch resume into a database and wait for some stranger to fix them up for this to happen. That is utter madness.<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

    7. Make it normal for singles who live in the same community to meet each other. They should not have to go on Zoom speed dates to have a short video chat with someone on the other side of the world, when there are plenty of people similar to them right next door.<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

    8. Don\u2019t wait for organizations to solve the shidduch cris<\/span><\/p>\n

    is. This is something regular people need to do on the ground, starting immediately. You can make a life-altering difference for people right now, without much effort or cost. Be a trendsetter. The reward is enormous.<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

    9. Don’t immediately dismiss these idea and give me all the reasons why this can\u2019t or won\u2019t work. First of all, it can and it did; I proved it with EndTheMadness. Second, I will in turn ask what you are <\/span>willing<\/span><\/i>\u00a0to do differently right now.\u00a0If the answer is nothing, then you have\u00a0forfeited\u00a0the right to ever complain about the shidduch world. You made your choice, so\u00a0don\u2019t\u00a0whine\u00a0about it.<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

    I hope the community will take these suggestions seriously and get to work. We don’t need more focus groups or more data. We don’t need to keep repackaging the same failed ideas while expecting different results. We need to overcome our neuroses, return to a sane, Torah-based approach, and start doing what actually works without letting another day go by.<\/p>\n

    Rabbi Chananya Weissman is the author of eight books and hundreds of articles on a wide range of topics. His articles and books are available at chananyaweissman.com, and his most recent work is available at\u00a0<\/span><\/i>chananyaweissman.substack.com<\/span><\/i><\/a>. His weekly Torah classes and other videos can be found at\u00a0<\/span><\/i>https:\/\/rumble.com\/c\/c-782463<\/span><\/i><\/a>. He can be contacted at\u00a0<\/span><\/i>weissmans@protonmail.com<\/span><\/i><\/a>.<\/span><\/i>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

    \u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

    The burgeoning number of singles who are experiencing great difficulty with shidduchim \u2014 often referred to as the shidduch crisis \u2014 is\u00a0in reality just\u00a0a symptom of much deeper problems in the religious community, which combined make a systemic failure of the shidduch process inevitable.\u00a0What lies under the hood of this crisis is complex and multi-layered; […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":134185,"featured_media":526,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[5],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-521","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-personalities-and-perspectives"],"yoast_head":"\nStop Managing the Crisis. 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