{"id":427,"date":"2026-03-24T15:31:35","date_gmt":"2026-03-24T15:31:35","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/kol-echad\/?p=427"},"modified":"2026-03-26T14:42:16","modified_gmt":"2026-03-26T14:42:16","slug":"when-a-marriage-ends-the-family-doesnt","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/kol-echad\/when-a-marriage-ends-the-family-doesnt\/","title":{"rendered":"When a Marriage Ends, the Family Doesn’t"},"content":{"rendered":"

by Yaakov Langer<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Divorce rarely begins with a dramatic moment.<\/p>\n

By the time it becomes visible, something has already broken between two parents.<\/p>\n

What follows is often a process focused on the adults: their decisions, logistics, and separation.<\/p>\n

And somewhere in the middle of it all are the children, quietly trying to make sense of a world that no longer feels stable.<\/p>\n

For Rechy Zolty, that fragile space between two parents is where much of her work now lives.<\/p>\n

Through Arches for Families, the organization she founded in New Jersey, Zolty helps couples navigate one of the most painful transitions a family can face. Her goal is not to repair marriages that have already broken. Instead, she helps parents build something new: a way to move forward as co-parents, with their children at the center. But the work she does today began almost by accident.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The Boy Who Changed Everything<\/strong><\/p>\n

During the early months of COVID, a message circulated through the community about a fifteen-year-old boy who needed somewhere to go for Pesach. His father was hospitalized. His mother could not care for him. There was nowhere for him to stay. Zolty remembers the moment clearly.<\/p>\n

\u201cMy husband came over to me and said, \u2018I think we should take this boy in,\u2019\u201d she recalls. \u201cAnd I said, \u2018Oh, that\u2019s what you think? That\u2019s so nice. But no.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n

At the time she and her husband were already raising a large family. Bringing a teenage boy into the house during a pandemic felt overwhelming. But her husband reminded her of something from his family\u2019s history. \u201cHe told me this story about his grandmother in Poland,\u201d Zolty says. \u201cShe had ten kids and one small apartment. A mother and son came through the town with scarlet fever and nowhere to go. She took them in.\u201d The mother recovered and returned home. The boy stayed with the family for nearly two years. \u201cMy husband said, \u2018This is what our family does.\u2019\u201d So they said yes.<\/p>\n

The boy stayed with them for four months. During that time, his father passed away.<\/p>\n

Watching the situation unfold forced Zolty to confront a question she had never really thought about before. \u201cWhat happens when kids in our community don\u2019t have a stable place to be?\u201d she wondered. She started asking around. \u201cIn Brooklyn we had organizations like OHEL,\u201d she says. \u201cThey handled these kinds of situations. But when I started asking what existed here, people kept saying the same thing: nothing.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

A Problem No One Wanted to Touch<\/strong><\/p>\n

Zolty began researching the issue seriously. She met with therapists, askanim, clinics, and community leaders. The answers were discouraging. \u201cEveryone told me the same thing,\u201d she says. \u201cThe liability is too big. The cases are too complicated. Nobody wants to deal with it.\u201d Some people warned her directly not to get involved. \u201cThey said, \u2018If you do this, you\u2019re going to get sued. You\u2019re going to get killed.\u2019\u201d She shrugs slightly when she repeats it. \u201cI said, okay. Then I\u2019ll get sued and I\u2019ll get killed. And if that happens, I\u2019ll stop.\u201d<\/p>\n

Instead, she opened Bridges for Families, an organization that helps children whose homes have become unstable because of crisis, addiction, mental illness, or other severe challenges.<\/p>\n

But as Bridges grew, something else began to emerge.<\/p>\n

\u201cA huge percentage of the families we were dealing with were going through divorce,\u201d she says.<\/p>\n

And the children were suffering.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The Hidden Crisis<\/strong><\/p>\n

Divorce itself is not new. But Zolty began noticing a pattern that deeply troubled her: high-conflict divorces where communication between parents completely broke down. \u201cWhen parents are in that place, the kids fall into the cracks,\u201d she says.<\/p>\n

The research backed up what she was seeing. Children whose parents experience intense conflict during divorce face dramatically higher rates of anxiety and emotional distress. However, both within the frum world and beyond, there were no structured resources designed to guide couples through divorce in a healthy way. So Zolty decided to build one and started yet another organization.<\/p>\n

Teaching People How to Divorce<\/strong><\/p>\n

Arches for Families began with a simple idea: most couples enter divorce with absolutely no preparation. \u201cPeople get chassan and kallah classes before they get married,\u201d Zolty says. \u201cBut before divorce? Nothing.\u201d So Arches offers pre-divorce consultations. Couples who know their marriage is ending can sit down and learn what lies ahead: the legal<\/p>\n

process, the role of beis din, the court system, mediation, and the emotional realities they will face. \u201cPeople walk in completely blind,\u201d she says. \u201cThey don\u2019t know who the players are. They don\u2019t know the different routes they can take.\u201d<\/p>\n

Zolty strongly encourages mediation whenever possible. \u201cIn mediation, someone calm sits with you and helps you figure things out,\u201d she explains. \u201cYou\u2019re not signing your adulthood away to courts or outside decisions.\u201d But even when mediation isn\u2019t an option, education helps couples make better choices before conflict spirals out of control. Still, the most difficult work often begins after the divorce itself.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

When Parents Can\u2019t Speak<\/strong><\/p>\n

Divorce may end a marriage, but it doesn\u2019t end a family. Parents still have children to raise together. They still have school issues, schedules, holidays, and everyday decisions. And when communication has collapsed, those interactions can become explosive. \u201cI\u2019ve seen the most sane, normal, balanced people become completely unrecognizable during divorce,\u201d Zolty says. She describes people forgetting basic responsibilities, repeating the same arguments endlessly, or becoming unable to communicate at all. \u201cIt turns people inside out,\u201d she says. That is where Arches\u2019 parental coordination program comes in.<\/p>\n

Coordinators serve as neutral intermediaries between divorced parents, helping them manage communication and co-parent effectively. Sometimes that means helping parents schedule weekends or resolve disagreements about holidays. Sometimes it means teaching them how to write an email that won\u2019t ignite another fight. \u201cYou\u2019d be surprised how often we\u2019re just helping people learn how to communicate softly again,\u201d Zolty says.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

A Small Miracle<\/strong><\/p>\n

One family that came through Arches left a lasting impression. The parents had spent years locked in conflict. Even seeing each other\u2019s texts would trigger immediate anger. \u201cThey couldn\u2019t even be on a three-way text,\u201d Zolty says. \u201cSmoke would come out of their ears.\u201d So their coordinator started slowly. At first, she communicated with each parent separately. Eventually she introduced shared emails. Over time, the tone began to soften.<\/p>\n

One day something unexpected happened. The mother wrote to the father thanking him for paying for their daughter\u2019s trip to Poland after seminary. \u201cShe said the girl came back glowing and happy,\u201d Zolty recalls. \u201cShe said it couldn\u2019t have happened without him.\u201d The father responded with gratitude and warmth. \u201cIt was such a beautiful exchange,\u201d Zolty says. In Bridges staff meetings, the team shares what they call \u2018miracle moments.\u2019 \u201cThis was one of them,\u201d she says. Not because the divorce had disappeared. But because two parents who once could not communicate had found a way to share pride in their child again.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Holding Two Truths<\/strong><\/p>\n

One of the most important lessons Zolty learned early in this work is that divorce rarely has a single clear narrative. \u201cI remember meeting one husband and thinking, wow, this man married someone impossible,\u201d she says. The next day she met the wife. \u201cAnd I thought, wow, this woman married someone impossible.\u201d That moment changed how she approached every case. \u201cIn divorce, both people have their truth,\u201d she says.<\/p>\n

The role of Arches is not to determine who is right or wrong. It is to create enough stability for parents to raise their children responsibly. \u201cOne of the biggest problems is that everyone around them takes sides,\u201d she explains. \u201cFriends, family, everybody becomes emotionally involved.\u201d Arches tries to remain neutral. \u201cWe hold the space for both truths,\u201d she says.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Finding Hope in Difficult Work<\/strong><\/p>\n

Given the stories she encounters, people often ask Zolty how she manages to keep doing this work. \u201cPeople say to me all the time, \u2018How do you stay sane doing this?\u2019\u201d she says. Her answer surprises them. \u201cI actually feel hopeful,\u201d she says. Part of that hope comes from the fact that she can act. \u201cWhen most people hear these stories, they feel helpless,\u201d she explains. \u201cFor me, I can do something.\u201d<\/p>\n

But there is also a deeper perspective guiding her. \u201cI believe every soul comes into this world for a purpose,\u201d she says. \u201cSome lives have more struggle than others.\u201d That belief helps her maintain compassion without feeling responsible for erasing every hardship. \u201cOur job isn\u2019t to take away all the pain,\u201d she says. \u201cOur job is to support people through it.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Structure at Home<\/strong><\/p>\n

Zolty\u2019s path into this work may seem unlikely. Before founding Bridges or Arches, she built a career as a professional organizer, training more than 150 organizers around the world. That instinct still shapes everything she does. \u201cWhen I see a problem, I see how it can be fixed,\u201d she says simply. That same clarity helps her manage a busy household as well. Zolty is the mother of eight, including a baby. \u201cI try to run a very tight system,\u201d she says.<\/p>\n

Work happens while her children are in school. Evenings belong to family. Calls are filtered through her organization rather than her personal phone. Her husband, she says, plays an important role in helping her maintain those boundaries. \u201cHe gives me enough rope to hang myself,\u201d she says with a smile. \u201cBut he also knows when to pull me back.\u201d The structure keeps everything moving.<\/p>\n

In many ways, the work she does for families mirrors the work she does in her own life. Looking at something that feels tangled. And slowly, patiently, helping untangle it.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Yaakov Langer is the founder of Living L\u2019chaim and the \u201cInspiration for the Nation.\u201d<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

To sign up for the Kol Echad Limited Series E-Magazine, click here:\u00a0https:\/\/www.ou.org\/kolechademail\/<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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