{"id":368,"date":"2026-02-11T19:17:24","date_gmt":"2026-02-11T19:17:24","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/kol-echad\/?p=368"},"modified":"2026-02-19T19:46:02","modified_gmt":"2026-02-19T19:46:02","slug":"single-in-the-spotlight-a-conversation-with-yoni-z","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/kol-echad\/single-in-the-spotlight-a-conversation-with-yoni-z\/","title":{"rendered":"Single in the Spotlight A Conversation with Yoni Z"},"content":{"rendered":"

by\u00a0Avital Chizhik-Goldschmidt<\/span><\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

ACG<\/b>: Yoni, I know you as a colleague \u2014 you are the chazzan at our shul, the Altneu. But today I wanted to speak with you on a more personal note, about an issue that we often discuss in our community in Manhattan. You\u2019ve spoken openly about the loneliness of being single in the frum community. Can you tell me, what does that loneliness actually look like to you?<\/span><\/p>\n

YZ<\/b>: There\u2019s a moment I experience over and over when I\u2019m trying to help set people up. I\u2019ll text someone and ask, \u201cWhat are you up to tonight?\u201d And they\u2019ll say, \u201cI\u2019m just on my couch, ordered some takeout.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

And it\u2019s not that someone is taking a night off \u2014 that\u2019s normal. It\u2019s the listlessness underneath it. It\u2019s the sense of, \u201cThis is my life. This is all there is. I\u2019ll probably be on this couch again in five years \u2014 maybe with a dog.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

In Manhattan especially, there\u2019s an extra layer. You\u2019re on JSwipe, you\u2019re on Hinge, you\u2019re sourcing dates in bars or lounges, and you start to feel like prey in a jungle – both men and women. You\u2019re surrounded by millions of people and yet you feel like a speck of dust. No one even knows I exist. What if no one ever will?<\/span><\/p>\n

And that becomes the default belief: no one cares about me.<\/span><\/p>\n

ACG<\/b>: Why does that image \u2014 someone sitting alone on their couch \u2014 hit so hard?<\/span><\/p>\n

YZ<\/b>: Because it\u2019s not hopeful loneliness. It\u2019s resignation. Paralyzing. It\u2019s not \u201cIn a year, God willing, this will look different.\u201d It\u2019s: \u201cThis is just my life.\u201d\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

I know men in our community \u2014 handsome, successful, kind \u2014 in their 40s. They should be thriving. And instead, there\u2019s an emptiness in their eyes. Not because they did anything wrong. Sometimes people are dealt a difficult hand. I know I was.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

And for public people, there\u2019s another layer. You\u2019re visible, but unseen.<\/span><\/p>\n

ACG<\/b>: On your online platform and in podcast interviews, you\u2019ve spoken about how difficult that was for you personally \u2014 being single while so much of your life was public. I relate to that, as I was already a published writer by the time I was dating, albeit for a shorter time. What was the hardest piece to carry?<\/span><\/p>\n

YZ<\/b>: That people had absolutely no idea who I really was \u2014 and there was nothing I could do to correct their assumptions.<\/span><\/p>\n

You can\u2019t go online and say, \u201cActually, I\u2019m not the person you think I am.\u201d That looks pathetic. So you just live with people projecting onto you.<\/span><\/p>\n

I remember a moment that crystallized this for me. I was dating a girl in the Five Towns. She told me, very kindly after a few fun dates, \u201cYou\u2019re amazing, but we\u2019re not for each other. You\u2019re not frum enough for me.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

I didn\u2019t argue. I respected her perspective. Then she said, \u201cBut I have a friend who would be perfect for you.\u201d So while I was sitting right there, she voice-noted this friend, telling her about me, and the girl replied, \u201cAre you kidding? He\u2019s way too frum for me.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

I looked at the girl and said, \u201cDo you see where I\u2019m stuck?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Everyone had a completely different version of me. That night, I drove home thinking, <\/span>No one will ever get me right.\u00a0<\/span><\/i><\/p>\n

ACG<\/b>: That kind of misreading feels very common today.<\/span><\/p>\n

YZ<\/b>: Absolutely. Especially in Manhattan, where the spectrum is so wide. People write each other off for things that, once you\u2019re married, you realize were never the point.<\/span><\/p>\n

I\u2019m married less than a year, so I\u2019m not preaching. But it\u2019s true: the checklist you think matters becomes maybe 2% of your marriage. The other 98% is everything you never imagined while dating.<\/span><\/p>\n

Marriage presents realities you could not predict. And that\u2019s okay. But the measuring tools people are using \u2014 looks, status, optics \u2014 those are not the tools that sustain a life.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

ACG<\/b>: You\u2019ve spoken about common pitfalls singles fall into. What do you wish people understood earlier?<\/span><\/p>\n

YZ<\/b>: First, we can\u2019t remove agency from singles by just saying, \u201cThe system is broken.\u201d There are plenty of systemic issues \u2014 but people also sabotage themselves.<\/span><\/p>\n

Here\u2019s one example for men. If a woman came across as very high-energy on a first date, I used to write her off as too intense. What I didn\u2019t understand is that for many women, nervousness shows up as more talking, louder volume – or perhaps the opposite, they listen and talk less – that doesn\u2019t mean they don\u2019t have what to say, they are simply adapting to you and your energy. The woman you meet on date one and date five can be two very different people \u2014 in a good way.<\/span><\/p>\n

Men want total transparency immediately, it\u2019s how we are wired : \u201cShow me who you really are.\u201d But that\u2019s not how trust works. Especially not for women.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

And to women: the car ride is not the date. Everyone, relax. Don\u2019t judge someone based on five minutes of awkwardness while he\u2019s trying to make sure you feel seen while also not crashing the car.<\/span><\/p>\n

Give people the same chance you often hope they would give you. You\u2019ll be amazed by the incredible people you\u2019ll meet. And perhaps, even the one you\u2019ll marry.<\/span><\/p>\n

Another issue I see constantly\u2014and it goes far beyond Manhattan\u2014is how easily people will \u2018abandon standards and values\u2019 under certain conditions. If the man has money, or the woman is exceptionally attractive, suddenly \u201cI want a guy who keeps Shabbos\u201d becomes \u201cwe\u2019ll grow together,\u201d and \u201cI want a girl who keeps kosher\u201d becomes \u201cwe\u2019ll have a kosher home, but eat out dairy or fish.\u201d Infatuation is never a sustainable foundation. Save your time and energy: date someone with the same values as you or at least close enough.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

ACG:<\/b> Can we talk about status \u2014 leagues, optics, \u201chow this will look\u201d?<\/span><\/p>\n

YZ:<\/strong> I hate to say it but people are their own worst enemies.<\/span><\/p>\n

Tragically, as humans, we date from our wounds. If you grew up without money, you might convince yourself you need wealth \u2014 and dress it up as responsibility. If you never got chosen when you were younger, you might chase validation now.<\/span><\/p>\n

But those wounds don\u2019t make good spouses.<\/span><\/p>\n

People obsess over the engagement photo. What will it say about me? To my high school, my rabbis, my friends?<\/span><\/p>\n

That moment has become a kind of celebrity debut in the frum community. It\u2019s your thirty seconds of fame \u2014 at the expense of thinking about the next fifty years.<\/span><\/p>\n

ACG<\/b>: Wow, that is so true. The engagement photo felt so important in that time of our lives. SimchaSpot! So how did marriage change the way you see all of this?<\/span><\/p>\n

YZ<\/b>: Here\u2019s what I tell people now: look for someone whose presence makes you feel safe.<\/span><\/p>\n

Not impressed. Not challenged. Safe.<\/span><\/p>\n

If you feel like you constantly have to perform, to win them over – perhaps it\u2019s a rush or a thrill, no denying that \u2014 but you\u2019re signing up for exhaustion. You can\u2019t be a superstar every day.<\/span><\/p>\n

With the right person, you feel like you came home. And home welcomes you on your wonderful days and your less spectacular days.<\/span><\/p>\n

This morning, my wife \u2014 eight months pregnant Baruch Hashem \u2014 got dressed and ready to conquer the world and then suddenly said, \u201cI need to lie down.\u201d And all she wanted was a bagel with scallion cream cheese and lox. So that\u2019s where I\u2019m going right after this interview, I\u2019m going to buy her a bagel with scallion cream cheese and lox.<\/span><\/p>\n

That moment is marriage. No audience. No optics. Just compassion and care. And that\u2019s what a lot of marriage will actually look like.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

ACG<\/b>: What would you say to married people about how we treat singles?<\/span><\/p>\n

YZ<\/b>: Humility. Sensitivity. Awareness.<\/span><\/p>\n

There\u2019s a loneliness there that unless you\u2019ve lived it \u2014 especially past a certain age \u2014 you won\u2019t ever understand. And it can become debilitating.<\/span><\/p>\n

I\u2019ve seen how many \u201cno\u2019s\u201d someone can get in a single day and still be expected to function. Also, it\u2019s time we stop with the \u201csoon by you.\u201d They already know. Say, \u201cmay we share in endless simchas together this year.\u201d It says everything, without reopening the wound.<\/span><\/p>\n

We know how to walk into a shiva house. We have to apply a fraction of that sensitivity to people who are single and looking to marry \u2014 not pity, just respect.<\/span><\/p>\n

Because single people aren\u2019t broken. There is nothing \u201cwrong\u201d with them. They are carrying something heavy, often quietly, often alone, and the least we can do is not add to it. We would never say to someone facing illness or loss, \u201cWell, why might Hashem have presented you with this challenge in life? Think about it.\u201d That would be considered deeply offensive and socially tone-deaf. Yet with single people, we think nothing of looking them in the eye at a Shabbos table and asking, \u201cSo what\u2019s going on? Why aren\u2019t you married yet?\u201d Sometimes it\u2019s even wrapped in a pinch of sugar: \u201cA guy as successful as you,\u201d or \u201ca girl as lovely as you.\u201d It doesn\u2019t make it better or acceptable. I know that once you\u2019re married, dating can start to feel like a juicy reality show, full of he-said-she-said, but for the person living it, it remains a daily and very real pain.<\/span><\/p>\n

If you truly care, think about them when they\u2019re not sitting at your Shabbos table. Daven for them at candle lighting. Dedicate your learning that day to so-and-so\u2019s success in finding their bashert. Lead with critical thinking. Lead with compassion.<\/span><\/p>\n

To the brave singles out there: <\/span>Yeshuas Hashem k\u2019heref ayin<\/span><\/i>. The salvation of Hashem is like the blink of an eye.<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

To sign up for the Kol Echad Limited Series E-Magazine, click here: https:\/\/www.ou.org\/kolechademail\/<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

by\u00a0Avital Chizhik-Goldschmidt ACG: Yoni, I know you as a colleague \u2014 you are the chazzan at our shul, the Altneu. But today I wanted to speak with you on a more personal note, about an issue that we often discuss in our community in Manhattan. 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