by Avital Chizhik-Goldschmidt
ACG: Yoni, I know you as a colleague — you are the chazzan at our shul, the Altneu. But today I wanted to speak with you on a more personal note, about an issue that we often discuss in our community in Manhattan. You’ve spoken openly about the loneliness of being single in the frum community. Can you tell me, what does that loneliness actually look like to you?
YZ: There’s a moment I experience over and over when I’m trying to help set people up. I’ll text someone and ask, “What are you up to tonight?” And they’ll say, “I’m just on my couch, ordered some takeout.”
And it’s not that someone is taking a night off — that’s normal. It’s the listlessness underneath it. It’s the sense of, “This is my life. This is all there is. I’ll probably be on this couch again in five years — maybe with a dog.”
In Manhattan especially, there’s an extra layer. You’re on JSwipe, you’re on Hinge, you’re sourcing dates in bars or lounges, and you start to feel like prey in a jungle – both men and women. You’re surrounded by millions of people and yet you feel like a speck of dust. No one even knows I exist. What if no one ever will?
And that becomes the default belief: no one cares about me.
ACG: Why does that image — someone sitting alone on their couch — hit so hard?
YZ: Because it’s not hopeful loneliness. It’s resignation. Paralyzing. It’s not “In a year, God willing, this will look different.” It’s: “This is just my life.”
I know men in our community — handsome, successful, kind — in their 40s. They should be thriving. And instead, there’s an emptiness in their eyes. Not because they did anything wrong. Sometimes people are dealt a difficult hand. I know I was.
And for public people, there’s another layer. You’re visible, but unseen.
ACG: On your online platform and in podcast interviews, you’ve spoken about how difficult that was for you personally — being single while so much of your life was public. I relate to that, as I was already a published writer by the time I was dating, albeit for a shorter time. What was the hardest piece to carry?
YZ: That people had absolutely no idea who I really was — and there was nothing I could do to correct their assumptions.
You can’t go online and say, “Actually, I’m not the person you think I am.” That looks pathetic. So you just live with people projecting onto you.
I remember a moment that crystallized this for me. I was dating a girl in the Five Towns. She told me, very kindly after a few fun dates, “You’re amazing, but we’re not for each other. You’re not frum enough for me.”
I didn’t argue. I respected her perspective. Then she said, “But I have a friend who would be perfect for you.” So while I was sitting right there, she voice-noted this friend, telling her about me, and the girl replied, “Are you kidding? He’s way too frum for me.”
I looked at the girl and said, “Do you see where I’m stuck?”
Everyone had a completely different version of me. That night, I drove home thinking, No one will ever get me right.
ACG: That kind of misreading feels very common today.
YZ: Absolutely. Especially in Manhattan, where the spectrum is so wide. People write each other off for things that, once you’re married, you realize were never the point.
I’m married less than a year, so I’m not preaching. But it’s true: the checklist you think matters becomes maybe 2% of your marriage. The other 98% is everything you never imagined while dating.
Marriage presents realities you could not predict. And that’s okay. But the measuring tools people are using — looks, status, optics — those are not the tools that sustain a life.
ACG: You’ve spoken about common pitfalls singles fall into. What do you wish people understood earlier?
YZ: First, we can’t remove agency from singles by just saying, “The system is broken.” There are plenty of systemic issues — but people also sabotage themselves.
Here’s one example for men. If a woman came across as very high-energy on a first date, I used to write her off as too intense. What I didn’t understand is that for many women, nervousness shows up as more talking, louder volume – or perhaps the opposite, they listen and talk less – that doesn’t mean they don’t have what to say, they are simply adapting to you and your energy. The woman you meet on date one and date five can be two very different people — in a good way.
Men want total transparency immediately, it’s how we are wired : “Show me who you really are.” But that’s not how trust works. Especially not for women.
And to women: the car ride is not the date. Everyone, relax. Don’t judge someone based on five minutes of awkwardness while he’s trying to make sure you feel seen while also not crashing the car.
Give people the same chance you often hope they would give you. You’ll be amazed by the incredible people you’ll meet. And perhaps, even the one you’ll marry.
Another issue I see constantly—and it goes far beyond Manhattan—is how easily people will ‘abandon standards and values’ under certain conditions. If the man has money, or the woman is exceptionally attractive, suddenly “I want a guy who keeps Shabbos” becomes “we’ll grow together,” and “I want a girl who keeps kosher” becomes “we’ll have a kosher home, but eat out dairy or fish.” Infatuation is never a sustainable foundation. Save your time and energy: date someone with the same values as you or at least close enough.
ACG: Can we talk about status — leagues, optics, “how this will look”?
YZ: I hate to say it but people are their own worst enemies.
Tragically, as humans, we date from our wounds. If you grew up without money, you might convince yourself you need wealth — and dress it up as responsibility. If you never got chosen when you were younger, you might chase validation now.
But those wounds don’t make good spouses.
People obsess over the engagement photo. What will it say about me? To my high school, my rabbis, my friends?
That moment has become a kind of celebrity debut in the frum community. It’s your thirty seconds of fame — at the expense of thinking about the next fifty years.
ACG: Wow, that is so true. The engagement photo felt so important in that time of our lives. SimchaSpot! So how did marriage change the way you see all of this?
YZ: Here’s what I tell people now: look for someone whose presence makes you feel safe.
Not impressed. Not challenged. Safe.
If you feel like you constantly have to perform, to win them over – perhaps it’s a rush or a thrill, no denying that — but you’re signing up for exhaustion. You can’t be a superstar every day.
With the right person, you feel like you came home. And home welcomes you on your wonderful days and your less spectacular days.
This morning, my wife — eight months pregnant Baruch Hashem — got dressed and ready to conquer the world and then suddenly said, “I need to lie down.” And all she wanted was a bagel with scallion cream cheese and lox. So that’s where I’m going right after this interview, I’m going to buy her a bagel with scallion cream cheese and lox.
That moment is marriage. No audience. No optics. Just compassion and care. And that’s what a lot of marriage will actually look like.
ACG: What would you say to married people about how we treat singles?
YZ: Humility. Sensitivity. Awareness.
There’s a loneliness there that unless you’ve lived it — especially past a certain age — you won’t ever understand. And it can become debilitating.
I’ve seen how many “no’s” someone can get in a single day and still be expected to function. Also, it’s time we stop with the “soon by you.” They already know. Say, “may we share in endless simchas together this year.” It says everything, without reopening the wound.
We know how to walk into a shiva house. We have to apply a fraction of that sensitivity to people who are single and looking to marry — not pity, just respect.
Because single people aren’t broken. There is nothing “wrong” with them. They are carrying something heavy, often quietly, often alone, and the least we can do is not add to it. We would never say to someone facing illness or loss, “Well, why might Hashem have presented you with this challenge in life? Think about it.” That would be considered deeply offensive and socially tone-deaf. Yet with single people, we think nothing of looking them in the eye at a Shabbos table and asking, “So what’s going on? Why aren’t you married yet?” Sometimes it’s even wrapped in a pinch of sugar: “A guy as successful as you,” or “a girl as lovely as you.” It doesn’t make it better or acceptable. I know that once you’re married, dating can start to feel like a juicy reality show, full of he-said-she-said, but for the person living it, it remains a daily and very real pain.
If you truly care, think about them when they’re not sitting at your Shabbos table. Daven for them at candle lighting. Dedicate your learning that day to so-and-so’s success in finding their bashert. Lead with critical thinking. Lead with compassion.
To the brave singles out there: Yeshuas Hashem k’heref ayin. The salvation of Hashem is like the blink of an eye.
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