From time to time, voices suggest that perhaps the shidduch system has outlived its usefulness. Perhaps we’d be better off if people simply met more organically – through work, school, friendships, and the normal experiences of life. It’s a conversation worth having. Anyone who has been involved in shidduchim knows the system isn’t perfect. Like every human system, it allows for frustrations, missed opportunities, and, at times, heartache. We should always be asking how to make the process kinder, wiser, and more effective. But there is more at stake than the efficacy of one system over another.
Chazal teach us a remarkable idea:
“ארבעים יום קודם יצירת הולד בת קול יוצאת ואומרת בת פלוני לפלוני.”
Forty days before the formation of a child, a Bas Kol proclaims who that person’s future spouse will be.
That teaching raises an obvious question. If Hashem has already determined a person’s zivug, why all the effort? Why shadchanim? Why introductions? Why references? Why not simply trust that if the match is meant to happen, it will?
The answer, of course, is that this is how Torah has always understood life. We work, even though parnassah comes from Hashem. We seek medical care, even though healing comes from Hashem. We plant, even though only Hashem can make things grow. Hashem determines the outcome. Our responsibility is the hishtadlus. Once we understand this – once we truly believe it – the question is no longer which system is most effective. The question is what kind of hishtadlus is best for us to engage in as a community.
One approach encourages people to meet through the natural relationships and experiences of everyday life. The classical shidduch system offers another model of hishtadlus. It invites an entire community to become part of the process: Parents, Rabbanim, teachers, relatives, friends, shadchanim. Their role in this system is not merely to introduce two people. It also provides a more thorough form of hishtadlus. People who know both individuals can ask questions that are difficult – if not impossible – to answer through a chance meeting. Do these two share the same hashkafah? Are they striving to build the same kind of Torah home? Do their personalities complement one another? Will each help the other become the person Hashem wants them to be? No one can answer those questions with certainty. No amount of research can guarantee a successful marriage. But surely those are worthwhile questions to ask before two people begin investing emotionally in one another.
There is another beautiful aspect to this approach: Not everyone has the same opportunities to meet people naturally. The outgoing often do. The socially connected often do. Those living in larger communities often do. But what about the quieter young man who is more reserved? Or the thoughtful young woman whose greatest qualities aren’t immediately obvious? What about someone living in a smaller community with far fewer opportunities? The shidduch system says that their future should not depend solely on the circles they happen to travel in. Someone who knows them should think about them. Someone should make the call. Someone should care.
Over the years, I have watched devoted shadchanim do exactly that. These are shadchanim who don’t see themselves merely as matchmakers; they see themselves as shluchim of HaKadosh Baruch Hu. They understand that they are not creating a shidduch, but doing their part to help bring about the shidduch that Hashem has already prepared. With that mindset, they spend countless hours thinking about other people’s children. They celebrate successes, carry disappointments, and quietly continue making calls because they believe they have the privilege of serving as Hashem’s shluchim in helping build another Jewish home. There is something profoundly beautiful about that.
Of course, this system can improve. We should be quicker to make suggestions, less rigid in our expectations, and never forget that we’re dealing with precious human beings, not résumés. But let’s not lose sight of the beautiful idea at its heart. The shidduch system isn’t merely a way to introduce people. It is a uniquely Jewish expression of emunah and areivus.
We believe that Hashem has prepared the match.
We believe that He asks us to do our hishtadlus.
And sometimes that hishtadlus means becoming His partner by making a phone call, offering a thoughtful suggestion, or helping two people—who otherwise may never have met—discover that they are meant to build a bayis ne’eman together.
Rabbi Weinrib studied for seven years at the Mirrer Yeshiva in Yerushalayim and received semicha from Harav Nissim Karelitz Ztz”l and Harav Nosson Tzvi Finkel Ztz”l. He joined the Chicago Community Kollel in 2002, and in 2005, he became the Rav of the Agudas Yisroel of West Rogers Park. He is currently the Rav of Congregation Zichron Eliezer of Cincinnati and also serves as the Rabbinic Administrator of Cincinnati Kosher.
