Growing up in the frum community, one assumes there is an organization for all crises. Need an apartment near a hospital? We got you. Need a job connection, clothing for an interview? We have it. A wheelchair? An air ambulance? There’s a number for everything.
But when a woman approached Chani Neuberger asking for help for a divorced single mother of four who now found herself without an income, Neuberger realized there was a gap.
“I was thinking to myself: A woman like this shouldn’t not have an organization of women to turn to,” she recalled.
It was 2006, and this was the moment Neuberger’s mental wheels started spinning.
Neuberger, a native of Borough Park, had just graduated from Columbia University with an MBA and a Master’s in International Affairs, after running operations at a financial firm. She would eventually be selected as a White House Fellow and join the Pentagon and National Security Agency, becoming one of the country’s most senior intelligence and cybersecurity experts. But in this moment, in her private community life, she was unnerved by the challenges facing single mothers post-divorce.
She began to research, calling friends who confirmed that indeed, there was no women’s organization dedicated to supporting frum (religious) divorced women. She called a childhood friend who had recently gotten divorced and asked, “What’s life like as a divorced woman?”
“Financially, I’m okay,” her friend told her. “But emotionally, I’m so lonely, I feel so judged. What’s the place for a divorced frum woman in our society? Alone?”
Neuberger couldn’t stop thinking about the unpredictability of life — the fact that no one knows where one’s life will go. That divorce can happen to anyone, and that few communities are prepared to help when it does. Who helps a woman struggling with basic expenses when she has no one to turn to? Who helps her navigate both the legal and Beis Din system? Who advises her on single parenting, on how to help a son who now has to sit alone in shul? And where can she find emotional peer support, where she can safely unload her heart? What about her children? How do children from divorced homes meet other children and get the support they need to navigate the often more complicated life of a child from a divorced home?
This was the first seed of “Sister to Sister.”
A Community of Women
One woman, feeling particularly lonely and isolated, decided to send a little birthday gift to another woman with a note: “With love from your sisters.”
The idea quickly grew into a birthday program. At first, it was for 200 women, spread throughout the year, with one young Hasidic woman named Elky G., who volunteered to mail gifts. As the program expanded to 600 recipients and then 1,000, the volunteer started recruiting other volunteers.
Soon, a group of Hasidic women were sitting together in a basement, wrapping gifts and writing cards for all kinds of Jewish women, recognizing that their involvement implicitly raised awareness and compassion for women raising children alone. “This is Klal Yisrael,” Neuberger noted. “All they cared about was this one woman who was alone and the joy she’d feel from knowing she’s not forgotten.”
One Yom Tov, Sister to Sister sent “sisters” a piece of jewelry. When a Sister noticed another woman in the grocery store wearing the same pair of earrings, they connected instantly, knowing they were both experiencing the same struggles.
Over a meal in Israel, a young seminary girl who’d been brought by a friend told Neuberger, “My mom is a part of Sister to Sister, and I just want to say how grateful our family is because it meant so much to her.”
“It happens all the time. People randomly come over. I get so emotional,” her voice broke as she shared – “the ones who talk about their mothers and how much they admire their strength… we often remind moms about that but it also shows us that perhaps some of the stigma has gone away.”
Growing Pains and Gains
Despite the initial criticism, the organization continued to expand. What Neuberger didn’t yet understand was the sheer scope of the problem. Within a short time, the organization would offer divorced women a peer support network, resource referrals, events for women and children, dating support, Shabbos and Yom Tov hospitality, counseling on finances and employment, and legal and Beis Din assistance. The target population was diverse and ambitious — from Hasidic to Litvish to Chabad to modern to Sephardic, the need was so great that women from across the oft-divided community spectrum had no qualms about coming together for the first programs.
The beginning was not simple. Initially, critics frowned and suggested that the organization was encouraging divorce and the breaking up of families. (The organization only works with women who are already living apart from their husbands and undergoing divorce proceedings.)
Neuberger was surprised by the amount of ignorance they encountered — some suggested to her that merely talking to a couple could save the marriage from divorce. Neuberger thought to herself, “And if someone walks out?” Sister to Sister was often saddened by the absence of advocates for women in Batei Din, in a process that is already emotional and intimidating for women.
The Power of Self-Sufficiency
Neuberger is particularly passionate about helping women achieve financial independence. According to a recent OU survey, an overwhelming number of divorced Orthodox women are economically vulnerable: half have household incomes below $35,000 per year, and 63% are receiving government assistance. Only three in five of the women can pay for a $400 emergency expense without taking on debt.
“A woman must be able to support herself if needed; it’s the most empowering thing for her and her children,” Neuberger said. Sister to Sister helps women access resources for college degrees and job training. The organization found that while 90% of “Sisters” work — about half (48%) are interested in starting a new career, and 57% could not afford the costs associated with education or training.
A Call for Communal Accountability
When asked what she wishes the frum community would better understand, Neuberger is blunt: “We should not be rushing young people into marriage — we must be asking them the right questions — probing questions — beforehand. The rise in early divorces, after several weeks or months of marriage, is truly troubling.”
She also emphasizes that frum society itself needs to think differently about how couples pursue a divorce. “Nothing destroys a child like seeing their parents fighting. And nothing destroys a woman like seeing her ex refuse to financially support his children or withhold a get unless he’s paid exorbitant sums.,” she said. “Frum society should hold men accountable for behaving like ‘menchen’ during a divorce and afterwards .” To her, the measure of a society is how it treats those who struggle. Additionally, signing a halachic prenuptial agreement, she argues, is one of the most important things a couple can do for their children.
Advice for Change-Makers
For anyone who sees a problem and is looking to create real communal change, Neuberger is a good example: “When you see a problem, get involved. Don’t hesitate to start something.”
“Generally, women who are professionals have a skill set that translates into serving their communities too, whether applying their technical skills or their leadership skills honed in the private sector,” she noted.
She emphasizes the importance of finding partners because the “koach” (power) of the community, especially the power of women, is remarkable. “Sometimes when we raise our hands and get involved, we are surprised at the massive impact,” she said. “As women, we can do a great deal in our communities. We need to step up. Our communities will then see – and recognize -the often untapped power of women to lead and partner and drive.”
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Avital Chizhik-Goldschmidt is a journalist and rebbetzin living in New York. She is the rebbetzin and co-founder of the Altneu Synagogue on Manhattan’s Upper East Side. Her writing has appeared in The Atlantic, The New York Times, and Foreign Policy, among others.
