by Rabbi Moshe Walter
The Question: Should a Divorcee Keep the Customs of Her Ex-Husband?
A divorcee recently asked whether she could discontinue the custom of abstaining from eating gebroks (matzah meal or other mixtures of matzah and hot water) on Pesach, which had been her ex-husband’s custom, and return to her family’s custom of eating gebroks. The divorcee wanted to once again enjoy her family’s kneidalach, matzah brei, and matzah pizza – foods she had not eaten during her fifteen-year marriage. May she drop the custom of not eating gebroks?
Consider the reverse situation as well. An Ashkenazi divorcee asked whether she could retain her Sephardic ex-husband’s custom of eating kitniyos on Pesach. She is uninterested in returning to the Ashkenazi custom of refraining from kitniyos and prefers to continue eating rice, beans, and corn, which are important staples in her diet. May she continue following the custom of her Sephardic ex-husband?
Throughout the year, similar questions arise as well. Is a divorcee required to continue waiting the amount of time her ex-husband waited between meat and milk, or should she return to her family’s custom? What is the halachah regarding a divorcee who continues to keep her ex-husband’s practice of waiting seventy-two minutes after sunset before ending Shabbos? Must she continue that practice? What about a divorcee whose ex-husband followed a lenient ruling regarding checking fruits and vegetables for bugs? Is she now required to learn a different halachic method for checking produce?
The Answer: It Depends
Interestingly, we do not find a significant amount of rabbinic or responsa literature in the writings of the Rishonim, Acharonim, or contemporary sefarim that directly addresses this question. The primary source that does discuss this issue is a responsum of the Tashbetz, Rabbi Shimon ben Tzemach Duran, the renowned fifteenth-century halachic authority.
The Tashbetz writes that the answer depends on whether the woman has children from her ex-husband. If she does not have children, she should return to her family’s customs, as there is nothing binding her to the customs of her ex-husband. However, if she does have children, she should preserve her ex-husband’s customs.
The Tashbetz explains that the basis for his ruling stems from the Torah law and Chazal’s interpretation regarding a woman married to a Kohen whose husband passes away. If the woman does not have children, she may no longer eat terumah, the special gift designated for Kohanim. Since her husband, the Kohen, is no longer alive, she no longer retains the rights associated with the family of Kohanim. However, if she has children from her husband, the Kohen, she may continue eating terumah due to her children’s status as Kohanim.
The Tashbetz brings an additional rabbinic source to support this assertion and concludes that children are the determining factor in how a divorcee should conduct herself regarding the customs and practices of her ex-husband. Because the children follow their father’s customs, the mother should ideally maintain those same practices alongside them. (Responsa Tashbetz 3:179. The Tashbetz notes that this same principle applies to a widow as well.)
Thus, in the cases mentioned above, it would generally be appropriate for a divorcee to maintain her ex-husband’s customs regarding kashrus, Shabbos, and Pesach in order to remain aligned with her children’s practices. Indeed, Rav Yosef Shalom Elyashiv reportedly ruled in accordance with the opinion of the Tashbetz. (Tal Imrasi, Toras Minhagei Issur, klal 16 seif 4, footnotes 13–14. The opinion of the Tashbetz is also codified in Sefer Kol Nidrei, chapter 77:7.)
However, there are exceptions to this rule. For example, if there are lenient customs of her ex-husband that the divorcee wishes to be more stringent about, and the change would not dramatically affect the children’s practices, such a change may be permitted. Additionally, in situations where maintaining a particular stringency would be overly burdensome, hataras nedarim (annulment of the practice as a neder) may be appropriate.
Beyond the halachic importance of this ruling, it also contains significant practical wisdom. The struggles and challenges faced by children of divorce are obvious, and anything that can provide continuity, familiarity, and stability is invaluable. A divorcee with children who maintains the practices, customs, and halachic standards of the home can help foster a critical sense of consistency and emotional stability for her children’s well-being.
While many divorcees understandably wish to leave behind the customs associated with a former marriage and begin anew, it is important to appreciate both the halachic considerations and the practical sensitivities underlying this ruling. There is no doubt that, at times, continuing to follow one’s ex-husband’s customs may feel difficult, while at other times it may feel easier or even beneficial.
I cannot stress enough the importance of discussing these important questions with a competent Rav who can provide both halachic guidance and the sensitivity such situations deserve. May Hashem bless all those navigating these challenges with brachah, nachas, siyata dishmaya, and simchah.
Rabbi Moshe Walter is the rabbi of Woodside Synagogue Ahavas Torah in Silver Spring, Maryland, the executive director of the Vaad HaRabanim of Greater Washington. His latest book, The Making of the Siddur, was just released by Feldheim publishers.
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