Avi* was five years old when a brief encounter changed his life.
He and his brother were playing outside their Flatbush home with their recently divorced mother when a Chassid walked by and asked, “Who’s taking your sons to shul?” Before she could answer, he offered to bring the boys himself and find someone for them to sit with.
Avi could not have known then how consequential that small act of kindness would become.
One of the findings of the OU’s recent study on attrition is that children of divorced parents often display lower levels of religious engagement than their peers. There are many possible explanations, but one is remarkably practical: often, a child from a divorced home simply has nowhere to sit in shul.
The impact of shul on children and teens can be profound.
For me, shul was where I met nineteen-year-olds freshly returned from Israel who broadened my spiritual horizons. Through conversations I could not have had elsewhere, and by observing their devotion during davening and commitment to Torah learning afterward, they shaped my religious life. Shul also forced me to interact with older generations, giving me social skills and relationships that have benefited me ever since. It is difficult for me to imagine who I would be without regular shul attendance.
I could easily imagine an alternate reality for Avi.
His mother brings him and his brother to shul on Shabbos Mevorchim. She heads to the women’s section while the boys stand near the back doors. Too young to follow the siddur on their own, they whisper during davening. An older man shushes them. They stop briefly, then start again. This time, he snaps at them.
The boys slip into the hallway and begin to play until another adult scolds them for running around during davening. The next time their mother suggests going to shul, Avi refuses. Who could blame him?
But that is not what happened.
That Shabbos morning, the Chassid seated Avi with Michael, a father of five. This kind man showed Avi the place in the siddur, encouraged him to take short breaks when he needed to release energy, and afterward brought him to kiddush to make sure he had something to eat. Avi loved going to shul.
Over time, Michael became far more than a seatmate; he became a mentor. Study after study has demonstrated the positive impact mentors have on resilience, especially during
formative years. More than thirty years later, Avi still calls Michael to discuss major decisions and life challenges.
There is no shortage of Avis in our communities.
A growing number of children from single-parent homes linger at the doorway of shul, deciding, often quietly and unconsciously, which direction to move – closer to their faith or further away.
With these children in mind, Kol Echad set out to streamline the process of identifying and training what we call Shul Mentors. The first challenge was also the most important: safeguarding children’s physical and emotional wellbeing. As critical as spiritual belonging may be, child safety can never be sacrificed in its pursuit. This population is especially vulnerable to exploitation. Working with Debbie Fox, LCSW, of the Magen Yeladim Institute, we developed comprehensive safety protocols for Shul Mentors, including a captain who oversees and checks in on each mentoring relationship. Rabbi Yaakov Glasser, Managing Director of Communal Engagement at the Orthodox Union and rabbi of Young Israel of Passaic-Clifton, crafted guidance to help mentors strike the proper educational and spiritual balance. Finally, we created a simple, step-by-step framework to help shul leadership implement the program.
We called it Makom Kavuah, reflecting the belief that every child deserves a place in shul.
Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur are among the few times when virtually everyone in our community comes to shul. Imagine if every congregation had a Makom Kavuah program, letting single parents and their children know they belong. Imagine the spiritual and social impact. Making this vision a reality is not complicated.
Most shuls already ask members to reserve seats for the Yamim Noraim. Can your shul add one small checkbox asking whether a family would appreciate a Shul Mentor during davening?
Of course it can.
That small box may change a life.
Rabbi Sariel Malitzky of Congregation Ohr Torah implemented Makom Kavuah in his shul last year, promoting it broadly throughout his community. After Yom Tov, he told me that not a single parent had used the program. “But,” he added, “two women, one divorced and one widowed, both with children no longer living at home, told me that for the first time in their lives, they felt seen in shul.”
Sometimes, belonging begins before a seat is ever filled.
As shuls begin preparing their Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur registrations, now is the time to act. Makom Kavuah is simple, free, and capable of having life-altering impact. Please join us in ensuring that every child has a Makom Kavuah. To receive the Makom Kavuah toolkit or to learn more please email kolechad@ou.org.
To sign up for the Kol Echad Limited Series E-Magazine, click here: https://www.ou.org/kolechademail/
