Every year, as a pulpit rabbi in B’nai Jacob Sharei Zion, Rabbi Hauer would choose one theme to discuss throughout Elul and the Yomim Noraim. He chose topics he believed were critical to the spiritual growth and social welfare of his community. In 2017, he focused on how the community relates to single men and women. Though it was written nearly ten years ago, the insights and advice are as relevant today as ever.
As we consider, during this month of Elul, how we can make things better, an area that deserves our attention, and where we can certainly do a lot better, is how we as a community treat the singles in our midst. Here are some specific ideas and impressions, gleaned from conversations and communications with singles in our community.
There is one thing our singles clearly do not want, and that is our pity. Baruch Hashem, the single men and women in our community are strong and capable people, living productive lives and accomplishing great things both personally and professionally. They are fine, thank you. What they would really appreciate is our respect.
Respect
Yes, respect. They deserve our respect and recognition for who they are and for all they have to add. It is a common feeling amongst singles that while in their professional lives they are valued and respected, within the community they are somehow relegated to a different status, where their ability to participate and contribute is overlooked. When they step forward to do for others, or to assume a leadership role, make a Kiddush, or invite others for a meal, it is often seen as “sweet” or “cute.”
As a single person wrote to me:
“While I know everyone was doing their best to help by providing Shabbos meals, etc., what I wanted more than any of that was a chance to do for the community and not feel like I was taking from it. I think many people misunderstand people my age and think we are “entitled.” What we truly want is to make an impact.”
Everyone wants to matter, to make a difference to others. The son of Rav Chayim of Volozhin records in his introduction to the Nefesh HaChayim that his father would repeatedly remind him that making a difference to others is what life is all about: “This is the essence of man. We were not created to serve ourselves, but to serve others in every way we can.” Indeed, the basic drive for marriage is built upon the desire to give, to share of oneself. Lo tov heyot ha’adam levado – “It is not good for man to be alone.” The goodness of giving – HaTov v’HaMeitiv, “He Who is good and does good for others” – is the ultimate goodness, and it cannot be experienced alone.
Those who have not yet found a life’s partner, or who may have lost their life’s partner to death or divorce, possess a deep desire and capacity to give. We must recognize this and welcome it in our shuls, organizations, and around our tables.
Our community is blessed with strong families and is built on family values, and those are good things that we should not change. But these values must exist in tandem with recognition of the value of all individuals. By placing an emphasis on family, we may sometimes unintentionally communicate to singles that they have not quite made it, that they are not worthy of a front seat because they do not yet have a spouse.
There is nothing in our worldview that would have us value singles less. Quite the opposite. Ramban, in his final note on Sefer Vayikra (27:29), discusses the story of Yiftach’s daughter (Shoftim 11:34–40), whose father had inadvertently pledged her as an offering to G-d. He cites those who explain that she was not offered as a human sacrifice but rather committed to a life devoted solely to the service of G-d, without marriage or children. Ramban objects vehemently to this interpretation, noting that the verse describes how she and her friends mourned her fate. How, asks Ramban, could they mourn a woman whose life was filled with the service of G-d? Her remaining unmarried and childless should not be considered tragic. The path to a full and meaningful life does not need to pass under the chuppah.
Support
Singles benefit from our being there for them. What they often lack is the immediate support system provided by a nuclear family. We can and should be there for them, when it is welcome. But it is essential that we do so respectfully. As one single put it, we must “think beyond cookie-cutter needs and truly listen to the person you are trying to help, giving them space when and if they ask for it.”
We should reach out and invite them early in the week, just as we would a married couple, rather than telling them that they are “welcome to call anytime.” They may appreciate a Melaveh Malka or a Chol HaMoed outing even more than a late and lengthy Friday night meal.
It is not our place to offer unsolicited advice to singles. It is our place to offer unqualified support. When we feel strongly that someone is going about things the wrong way, we must be as cautious about sharing that opinion with a single person as we would be with a married one. Our role is not to guide, but to support, earning trust over time, should advice ever be sought.
Shidduchim
Of course, our singles, as strong and productive as they are, continue to seek deeper fulfillment through marriage. This is an area where we can do much more. Helping others achieve their dearest dreams should be a communal priority.
One way we can improve is by retiring the language of “crisis.” The Chazon Ish (Emunah u’Bitachon, ch. 2) teaches that bitachon does not mean trusting that things will unfold exactly as we wish. It means recognizing that we do not live in a random world; what we experience is guided by G-d’s hand. In that framework, there is no room for crisis language. While proper hishtadlus is required, excessive or desperate efforts are not.
Friends of ours were struggling with their children’s shidduchim. Visiting Eretz Yisrael, they asked Harav Chaim Kanievsky how they should proceed. His response was simple: “The main hishtadlus is tefillah.” Profound in its simplicity.
There is a G-d. We must make our efforts, but they should be reasonable, serious, and consistent.
Networking
Networking is often the hardest part, and for singles, it can feel especially challenging and even demeaning. Here are two ways we can help.
The idea of single men and women meeting in refined group settings is not halachically objectionable. Even very traditional organizations have hosted such events. The main challenge is attendance: when the male-to-female ratio is significantly off, the experience can be discouraging.
Smaller, more intentional settings can work better. Inviting two or three single men and women to a Shabbos table allows people to meet a person rather than a résumé. Weddings, too, present opportunities: a couple might suggest seating friends, mechitzah-permitting, together at tables. These approaches will not suit everyone, and no one should be pressured. But they are worth considering.
Even more important is our willingness to actively make introductions. We all have friends, acquaintances, and family in other communities. Think of one single you know and spend fifteen minutes calling others on their behalf, describing this wonderful person and asking if they know someone suitable.
And don’t stop there. If you identify a possible match, don’t simply pass along a name. Invest the time and effort to help move things forward.
We all want to do this. But we get busy, we forget, and opportunities slip away. I know I do.
In Parshas Ki Savo (Devarim 26:13), we read the Viduy Ma’asros, declaring: “I have not transgressed Your mitzvos, and I have not forgotten.” Rashi asks why this is not redundant – if one has not transgressed, surely one has not forgotten.
Harav Yissachar Shlomo Teichtal hy”d explains that while we may respond when someone comes to us for help, we often fail to initiate assistance for those who never ask. Not forgetting means being proactive.
That insight is sobering. While I respond promptly when approached about shidduchim, I do far less initiating than I should. I want to, but I forget to in the busyness of life.
I suspect many of you feel the same. Let us change that. Let us create frameworks that remind, encourage, and guide us to stay engaged in helping one another find happiness.
Later in the same passage (26:15), we ask G-d to look down from the heavens and bless His people. The word used – hashkifah – usually connotes judgment. Yet here it precedes blessing. The Midrash explains that when Jews are actively caring for one another, even a critical gaze is transformed into blessing.
May G-d look down and see us caring for each other, initiating for one another, and working to help our single friends and neighbors find their partners, and may He bless all of us with success and the fulfillment of our dearest dreams.
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