{"id":36041,"date":"2014-04-07T15:17:46","date_gmt":"2014-04-07T15:17:46","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.ou.org\/holidays\/?p=36041"},"modified":"2016-09-20T14:12:55","modified_gmt":"2016-09-20T14:12:55","slug":"four-sons-finding-right-method-student","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/holidays\/four-sons-finding-right-method-student\/","title":{"rendered":"The Four Sons: Finding the Right Method for Each Student"},"content":{"rendered":"

With a simple command, God makes clear that teaching is fundamental to our observance of Passover.\u00a0 Fundamental and <\/span>obligatory<\/i>.\u00a0 I must teach my son, my children, of the great miracle God performed in delivering <\/span>me<\/span><\/i> from slavery.\u00a0 Not only must I teach, but my teaching must be personal \u2013 to me and to my student.<\/span><\/p>\n

That we should teach children about Pesach makes sense.\u00a0 It is a holiday of children, from the time Pharaoh commanded the midwives, \u201c\u2026look at the birthstool [of the Hebrew women]; if it is a boy, kill him!\u201d Pharaoh demanded that each son be cast into the river, and yet the children of Israel multiplied \u2013 in numbers and in strength.\u00a0 As did the suffering of the children.\u00a0 The youngest were not shielded from the horrors of slavery, nor were they denied when redemption was at hand.\u00a0 Moshe was clear when he spoke to Pharaoh, seeking the freedom of the people.\u00a0 \u201cWe will go with our young and with our old, with our sons and with our daughters.\u201d It is no accident that we are commanded to \u201ctell your son on that day\u2026\u201d But what does it mean to \u201ctell your son\u201d?\u00a0 What does it mean to teach?\u00a0 Too often, as parents and teachers, we think it means talking at <\/i>our children, delivering to them good and worthy content that they should simply hear <\/i>and assimilate into their minds and hearts. Would that it were so!\u00a0 But it is not always so easy to teach our children, as we learn when we gather at the Seder table and learn about the four sons; as we find ourselves confronting the daunting challenge that keneged arbaah banim dibrah Torah<\/i>, not unfairly translated to mean, \u201cthe words of the Torah are in opposition to four sons!\u201d It is useful to consider this understanding because it presupposes <\/i>conflict and discord between Torah and each <\/i>of the four sons. This presumption of discord tells us less about four sons than about four \u201cpostures\u201d toward Judaism, each with its unique challenges and rewards for parents and teachers alike.\u00a0 Each of these postures falls short of full conformity to genuine Torah commitment, each suggests a disconnect between generations, and each demands that we find a way to successfully teach if the beautiful chain of our tradition is to continue. We associate honor with the chacham <\/i>but looking more closely, even the chacham <\/i>poses a challenge that must be met.\u00a0 Think of the father of these four sons.\u00a0 He is a Jew from the old world.\u00a0 No title.\u00a0 He belongs to no \u201cparty\u201d.\u00a0 He identifies with no particular ideological or philo\u00adsophical movement.\u00a0 He is, simply, a Jew.\u00a0 He adheres to nothing other than avodat Hashem <\/i>and yirat Shamayim<\/i>.\u00a0 He raises a son, a chacham. \u00a0<\/i>His son is wise, and smart, and with eyes to see the brilliance of God\u2019s creation.\u00a0 The son is orthodox, for sure, but for him simple emunah<\/i> is not enough.\u00a0 The world is glorious, miraculous.\u00a0 But it also has an intrinsic order and logic, aspects that intrigue and compel him. \u00a0He is logical and orderly.\u00a0 He has a need to organize mitzvot <\/i>into divisions and sub-divisions; edot, <\/i>chukim<\/i> and mishpatim. \u00a0<\/i> Yes, yes.\u00a0 Of course he believes and observes, but until he understands<\/i> and digests<\/i> the content of his belief on an intellectual level, he remains dissatisfied and unfulfilled.\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cWhat is the meaning<\/i> which our God has commanded you?\u201d Even though we might want to temper the chacham\u2019s <\/i>need to intellectualize, we recognize his overall positive traits and are only too happy to teach him all of Torah, from the beginning up to and including the very last law of Pesach, afikoman. <\/i>Moreover, we are assured that as long as the taste of matzah <\/i>and flavor of Jewish observance and commitment remains with him, the chacham <\/i>will continue his search for greater meaning. And so we see, as the generations continue, that the chacham <\/i>does indeed continue in his personal religious growth but then sets different goals for his own son. His experience taught him that classical yeshiva education is too narrow-minded for his own child, a child of the late 20th<\/sup> century. \u201cSeek a profession,\u201d he advises his son.\u00a0 \u201cComputers.\u00a0 Finance.\u00a0 Law.\u00a0 Medicine.\u201d\u00a0 He encourages his son to study in one of the Ivy League schools, universities that only a generation earlier had restricted Jews but now which hold the best possibilities for networking and advancement. The son diligently follows his father\u2019s guidance and advice.\u00a0 Why then is the father surprised when, at spring break, his son returns home only to arrogantly challenge him.\u00a0 \u201cWhat is the meaning of this service to you!\u201d The father is astonished.\u00a0 Confused.\u00a0 Frustrated. Frightened. Meanwhile, the rasha <\/i>father cannot help but, at best, raise a tam<\/i>.\u00a0 Such a son is the only logical result of an alienated and confusing secularized Jewish home.\u00a0 This father only begrudgingly attends the family Passover dinner.\u00a0 Sentimentality and faded memories of a caring and loving zeide <\/i>are not enough to overcome the fast-moving, unethical and immoral secular world he occupies.\u00a0 How can such a man teach his son to embrace yiddishkeit<\/i>?\u00a0 The poor child does not even have the tools to ask a question! And if he could, what is there to ask?\u00a0 His great-grandfather, long gone cannot bridge the distance created by his father and grandfather, lost in their own discomfort with \u201cold fashioned\u201d and \u201cconfusing\u201d rituals.\u00a0 Such a tam<\/i>, when he arrives at midnight to a Jewish spring party and sees candles lit, sings Happy Birthday!\u00a0 (See the Riskin Haggadah<\/i>, p. 61) As parents and educators, do we throw our hands up in frustration and surrender to this terrible situation, conceding that so very many Jewish children are simply lost to our tradition and laws?\u00a0 Of course not.\u00a0 But, as we should recognize from the Four Sons in our Haggadah, \u201cteaching\u201d demands that we teach to<\/i> our students and not expect our students to conform to how we teach.\u00a0 We must pay heed to how <\/i>we teach and who <\/i>we teach for that truly informs why <\/i>we teach.<\/p>\n

* * *<\/p>\n

Who does not love teaching a chacham<\/i>?\u00a0 What a pleasure to have before us a mind and soul delighted and determined to grasp the beauty of God\u2019s world and our traditions!\u00a0 But more and more, in yeshivas and observant homes we are limiting <\/i>ourselves to teaching only our chachamim<\/i>.\u00a0 We do so at our peril!\u00a0 There are so very few chachamim. \u00a0<\/i> Rabbi Yechezkel Mickelsohn once asked in jest, \u201cWhy doesn\u2019t the Torah recommend the same solution and approach of hakeh et sheenav <\/i>\u2013 blunting the teeth of the rasha <\/i>\u2013 as does the Haggadah?\u201d <\/i>\u00a0He reasoned that the Torah speaks of many reshaim, <\/i>referring to them as \u201cb\u2019neichem<\/i>\u201d (plural form).\u00a0 To battle a multitude of reshaim <\/i>is an epic and dangerous undertaking, and \u00a0most likely not one that would result in success.\u00a0 The Ba\u2019al Haggadah <\/i>on the other hand, speaks of only one rasha, <\/i>who perhaps could be dealt with. How are we to make sure all four <\/i>sons remain in the fold? Before providing a response, we find in the Hagaddah a blessing in which we extol God for being the Makom<\/i>, for being in the place of our misery and bringing about our miracu\u00adlous redemption. We then continue, \u201cBlessed is He who gave the Torah to His people Israel, blessed is He.\u201d \u00a0God not only redeemed us from misery, He also gave us \u2013 all of us \u2013 Torah. <\/i> All of us.\u00a0 Not just the fathers.\u00a0 Not just the teachers.\u00a0 Not just the chachamim<\/i>.\u00a0 All of us.\u00a0 All the sons.\u00a0 All types.\u00a0 All backgrounds.\u00a0 Blessed is God, who gave the Torah to His people Israel.\u00a0 Blessed is He. The Torah speaks about four children; one who is wise and one who is wicked; one who is simple and one who does not even know how to ask a question. But still\u2026 there are times when a starting point seems impossible to find, when it seems in vain to effectively communicate Torah <\/i>values and ideals to the uninitiated, to the cynical, simple, negative youngster and even to the extremely bright student who believes he \u201cknows it all.\u201d Perhaps part of the trouble is the desire to find a single \u201cstarting point.\u201d\u00a0 Each of the four sons asks profoundly different questions; each is unique in his difference from the others.\u00a0 Doesn\u2019t each deserve an equally individualized response?\u00a0 Yet, more and more we provide a \u201ccookie cutter\u201d, one-size-fits-all Torah education, discarding those for whom it does not seem to work!\u00a0 The Rambam <\/i>instructs us that each son be taught according to his own understanding and abilities. Yet I would argue that the problem is not just the student but with the teacher.\u00a0 How to motivate the parent or teacher to engage the child who is simple or rebellious? We are taught there were a total of four zechuyot, <\/i>four merits, which together added up to the Israelites\u2019 ultimate redemption and exodus from Egypt. First, there was Zechut Avot, <\/i>the Merit of the Fathers, \u201cThe God of your Fathers appeared to me\u2026\u201d followed by the covenant established with the Fathers \u2013 \u201cand God recalled His cove\u00adnant.\u201d Then there existed the zechut <\/i>of kabbalat <\/i>haTorah<\/i>, the merit of the giving of the Torah.\u00a0 \u201cWhen you take the nation out of Egypt, you shall worship God on this mountain.\u201d Finally, they merited redemption on Account of the Paschal <\/i>sacrifice and circum\u00adcision which they observed, \u201cand I shall see the blood and pass over their houses.\u201d Rather than judge the posture and presentation of the Four Sons when they arrive at the Seder <\/i>table, it would be better to recognize that each arrives with his own zechut, <\/i>his own merit and inherent right to be taught. No Jew is to be shut out of Jewish education. \u00a0Each son comes to the Seder <\/i>table with a rightful claim to his share of Sinai. The simple son leans on his having been equally present and part of Kabbalat haTorah <\/i>even as the \u201cone who knows not even how to ask\u201d relies on his Zechut Avot. <\/i>We are oh so quick to judge the rasha <\/i>but while it is true that the wicked son might very well have strayed, his claim to the covenant established by God with his Fathers is undeniable. The wise son calls upon all four merits, even if these merits are not as yet perfected in him.\u00a0 It seems then that the challenge of Sipur Yetzitat Mitzrayim<\/i> is not simply teaching individual sons based on their differences in attitudes, experiences and knowledge. Yes, such a response goes without saying; the Maggid<\/i> experience requiring sensitive, discerning and caring fathers and educators. But the greater challenge is the one that redeems all four sons!\u00a0 The greater challenge is in finding a way to bring each into the greater fold rather than callously discarding them.\u00a0 The greater challenge is in seeking and finding each individual child\u2019s merit, opening avenues of communication with each and every type of student and raising them with the love of Torah.\u00a0 Such an education demands the creativity of the heart, not just the mind.\u00a0 It demands more than \u201cclassroom management skills\u201d, it asks us to love, to care, to recognize in those whose behavior and attitude in not what we would want, the nefesh <\/i>and humanity they possess. Discovering a child\u2019s abilities is a challenge. Discovering a child\u2019s merits is an accomplishment.\u00a0 But it is our task.\u00a0 \u201cOn that day, you shall teach your son\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

* * *<\/p>\n

In the Haggadah<\/i>, each of the four sons poses a question. Yet we find only three answers. The wicked son and the one who \u201cknows not how to ask\u201d are given the same answer! The late Rabbi Yitzchak Hutner explains that there are two basic methods through which the mitzvah <\/i>of Sipur Yetziat Mitzrayim<\/i> may be accomplished. The first is simply through Haggadah, <\/i>telling, relat\u00ading and sharing the story of Egypt. The second involves a give and take between the story teller and the listener. These two modes are unrelated and are not necessarily dependent on each other. One can tell a story without being prompted or asked, just as one would respond to a searching and curious individual. The Haggadah <\/i>proclaims that \u201cconcerning four sons did the Torah <\/i>speak, a wise one, a wicked one, a simple one, and one who is unable to ask.\u201d It never limits us to a single method of answer or communication.\u00a0 That very open-ended-ness invites us to find ways to communicate, to share and inspire the miraculous content of our redemption with all four sons. For the wise and simple, parents and teachers have the opportunity to be not merely maggid<\/i> but also respond to their personal inquiries and curiosi\u00adties and most importantly, to provoke and prod and inspire. Rabbi Hutner lesson is that there is more than one way \u201cto skin a cat\u201d.\u00a0 So too, there are many ways to share and teach the ideas, ideals and concepts that must be and deserve to be communicated at Pesach. So it is to the wicked and the one unable to ask, we simply \u201clay it out there\u201d.\u00a0 We tell it as it is, without anticipation of follow-up questions and reactions. It is our task to discover the appropriate method for the respective student.\u00a0 At our Seder tables, we too often \u201cfear\u201d that our rasha <\/i>child will \u201cinfect\u201d our other children; that our OTD child will somehow draw our chacham <\/i>son away.\u00a0 But the opposite is often true \u2013 the love and respect we show our OTD child demonstrates the power of our love and respect to our other children, even as it keeps them close to the fold, always knowing that they belong with us and to us. As parents and teachers, we are obligated to teach.\u00a0 But in order to truly fulfill our responsibility, we must embrace the truth that every <\/i>Jew has a right to learn and to be respected \u2013to be successful, each individual Jew deserves an individual \u201canswer\u201d, an answer that can be found\u00a0 if we only take the time to discover the individual merit.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

With a simple command, God makes clear that teaching is fundamental to our observance of Passover.\u00a0 Fundamental and obligatory.\u00a0 I must teach my son, my children, of the great miracle God performed in delivering me from slavery.\u00a0 Not only must I teach, but my teaching must be personal \u2013 to me and to my student. […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":296,"featured_media":38667,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[350],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-36041","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-passover"],"yoast_head":"\nThe Four Sons: Finding the Right Method for Each Student<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Each of the 4 sons' questions (even the wise) suggests a disconnect between generations. 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