Lesson # 469 (part 1) To Get Married and Have Children With this lesson we commence IYH a series of lessons devoted to the topic of Jewish Law, halacha, that deals with marriage and divorce and related items. We move from Choshen Mishpat to another Book of the Shulhan Aruch, Even haEzer. When Hashem created the world, He created it to be inhabited by human beings on a permanent basis. He blessed Adam and Eve to be fruitful and multiply. Similarly, after the flood, He blessed No'ach and his sons to be fruitful and multiply. Since that time it has been the duty of man to be fruitful and multiply. Even when the Jews went into exile in Babylonia, the prophet Yirmiyahu told the people to get married and have children. Thus if one had children and they died he must have more children. It is stated that if one lives without a wife he is as if has no happiness, without blessing, without goodness, without peace, without Torah, and he is not a complete man. [It must be stated, that this statement and others like it, are generalizations. There are circumstances that can be "exceptions". Furthermore, the statement should not be taken as a condemnation of individuals who have not been blessed with finding their soulmate.] The codes discuss the possibility of having more than one wife at the same time; this of course has no bearing today after the decree of Rabbeinu Gershom (960-1028) that a man can have only one wife at a time. Man is commanded to be married and have children. If one does not attempt to have any children it as almost as if he has shed blood and is thwarting the plan of Hashem. [Note that this statement is addressed to the one who does not attempt to have a family; not to people who have tried, but have not been blessed with success. We can build and decorate a Sukka with full intention of dwelling in it, but G-d is in charge of the rain.] [According to many sources,] the command does not apply to women. Although she is not part of the command to get married, it is better that she should not remain unmarried. In some communities, if she remains unmarried, people may impugn her moral standards. If this is not the case, she does not have the obligation to marry. The command to multiply applies to Gentiles, as well. If a man's wife dies and he has already fulfilled the commandment to have children, he should get married again. The same applies if he and his wife were divorced. This applies even if the man knows that he is beyond being capable of siring children. However, each case of widowers must be judged individually. If he is still capable of siring children, he should seek a wife who is capable of having children. The command to get married is so great that one may sell a Torah scroll if he needs the money to get married. The Sages had in their time set the ages in which a young man should get married. It depended upon the way of life of the communities. Also, the lifespan of humans was generally much shorter. So that which was then said may not apply exactly today. Each community, especially the yeshiva communities and the Roshei Yeshiva, have much say in when their students should get married. It also depends upon the ability of the couple to support themselves; and there are those situations where the parents of the couple help them financially. This is a factor. A man cannot have more than one wife at the same time [by Rabbinic decree]; a woman cannot have more than one husband at the same time [by Torah law]. The command to be fruitful and multiply is generally fulfilled if one has a son and a daughter. This does not relieve him of continuing to cohabit with his wife. The children should be apparently capable of begetting children. If he had a son and daughter and one or both died then we look to see the offspring of these dead children even one or two generations down the line. Although halacha opposes sex between unmarried partners, a child born "out of wedlock" qualifies for the man's fulfillment of the mitzva. However, one has not fulfilled the command if they were born to him and a non-Jewish woman, for then his children are not Jewish and are technically not related to him. A convert has fulfilled his obligation even if he sired the children prior to his converting to Judaism. [Some say, if the children also convert; others say, even if not.] Rambam in the very last chapter of his Monumental Work, Mishne Torah, Laws of King and Wars writes "In the days of the Mashiach and when his kingdom is established, all the Jews will gather around him. He will determine their pedigrees through Divine insight... first he will purify the Levites... He will then trace the lineage and those found to be of good birth will be made known. But he will not say concerning those deemed to be of pure descent this one is a bastard or a slave. The law is that once a family has intermarried with others it retains its status. While the texts speak of a man marrying a befitting spouse, I have made the requirements reciprocal. A man should not marry a woman who has a family disqualification. The Sages admonish us that if one marries a woman with such family disqualification because she is wealthy they will produce children with shortcomings. That is not to say that one may not marry a woman just because she comes from a wealthy family. A woman should not marry a man who has a family disqualification. If the family members see that a person is going to marry someone who is not suited for him or for her, they may try to persuade him or her not to do so. If he or she does not obey them, they should arrange that all the members of the family and community are aware of it so that they should not intermarry with their children. [The above paragraphs are not addressing the issue of parents who just do not approve of their child's choice of prospective spouse. It deals with serious disqualifications. Competent advice should be sought if these issues are present.] A man should not marry a woman and in his mind intend to divorce her after they are married. Marrying for money As stated above one should not marry a woman if the only reason is that she comes from a wealthy family. If a man was promised a sum of money to marry this girl and he did, but did not receive the money, he should not make his wife suffer because of this. However, if his in-laws offer him money he should graciously accept it. There are situations where a young man would like to spend some years studying Torah and his in-laws will support him and his wife and any children, it is in some instances highly desirable. Every family is presumed to be qualified to marry into. However, if they seem to be always quarrelsome or don't get along with the members of the community and are arrogant people, he should avoid marrying into such a family. Similarly if one is always critical of the people in the community and derides the people always, it may be that he is hiding something that would deride him and his family should be avoided from marrying into for these are not Jewish traits. If he points to members of the community and says they are bastards, we fear that perhaps he is one. One generally impugns others with his own shortcomings. Similarly if one is arrogant and cruel and dislikes people and does not find any good in people, we suspect that he is lacking in his own pedigree. In all instances before marrying into a family about whom doubts have arisen regarding their pedigree, the prospective bride or groom should make a thorough investigation into their family history. When nowadays questions arise about the matters of pedigree, a Sage should be consulted since every case is different. This includes the woman whom a kohen is taking for a wife. [The Parshat Tzav Homepage]
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