The Parsha Guide to Parenting by Amy Persky

B'shalach - Adapting to Change

The holiday of TU BiShvat falls between the parashot of Beshalach, where the Israelites receive material sustenance, and Yitro, where they receive spiritual sustenance.

As Jews, we try to model ourselves on God's ways. As parents, we can see that we are responsible for our children's physical and spiritual growth. B'shalach gives us several hints about how to respond to one of life's frequent, but difficult challenges - adjustment to change.

In B'shalach, God has brought the people out of Egypt, in order to bring them to the land of Israel. But first, they must pass through the desert. The people are nervous, hungry and unsure of what will happen. They say to Moshe "for you have brought us into this wilderness to bring death to this whole assembly by starvation!" (Exodus 16:3). They have lost sight of the ultimate goal and also have lost faith in those who would lead them there. They are concerned only with their immediate physical need - food. God responds by giving them food (manna and quail), but His purpose is not to give them mere physical sustenance, but to bolster their faith - they shall eat flesh and bread, and "you shall know that I am HaShem your God" (16:12). He wants them to know that they can rely on Him to take care of them and to bring them safely to their destination. When they learn not to collect manna on the Sabbath, He knows their faith has been restored.

As the people of Israel looked to Moshe to bring them through the great transition of the desert, our children look to us to bring them safely through the daily and sometimes trying transitions in our lives. This can be just a car trip ("are we there yet?") or a much larger transition - starting school, changing schools, moving to a new neighborhood. God, in His infinite wisdom, knows what the future will bring. We humans must rely on information that is already available to us and conduct research to best predict what the future will bring, and how to prepare for it. The more prepared we are the easier it will be to prepare our children and support them through this change. God clearly has an advantage, because He can perform miracles. When the people of Israel collect the manna, one omer per capita, according to God's instructions, "they gleaned, the-one-more and the-one-less, but when measured by the omer, no surplus had the-one-more, and the-one-less had no shortage; each man had gleaned according to what he could eat" (16:17,18). Here there are both an objective measure (the omer) and a contradictory subjective one (according to what he could eat). God was able to personalize the portions of manna so that they were at the same time objectively the same yet catered to the needs of each individual.

Although we do not have this divine ability, we may begin by giving each of our children the same objective preparation (an omer's worth) but we must also give them according to "what they can eat". Each child will have different anxieties about change; some may be more upset about what they are leaving, and some may be more concerned about what they are going to. We can explore these differing anxieties with them in order to know what fears to allay and what information or suggestion will help them cope. But, more importantly, each child has different strengths and skills that they can bring to the challenge of transition. Some may want to join in the preparations and planning; some may prefer to focus on the goal and not the process of getting there. Some may be able to adjust to the idea and the reality of change quickly; others may need more advance notice. Older children may remember previous experiences and remind us of what worked and what didn't work last time, and be able to learn from those experiences - both about their own temperaments ("I'm like that during changes") and about successful coping mechanisms ("it helped to read a book about it", "to bring my favorite doll", "to visit first").

The people of Israel seem to have a short memory - 17:3 they are again complaining about thirst. Moshe, whose memory of the last occurrence is fresh, and who comfortably relies on God's continuing sustenance, is understandably frustrated and losing patience - "What shall I do with this people? A little more and they will stone me!" (17:4). We, who must rely mostly on ourselves, will also experience frustration along the way. When our patience is eroding, it may help to ask our spouse (or other family member) to step in to handle a particular child or a particular situation. In many families, specific parent/child combinations run smoother than others. We should rely on the strength of this sympathetic bond to make the transition easier for all. (Sometimes Moshe speaks to the people and sometimes Aharon - both the message and the messenger have significance.)

Sometimes adjustments take a long time. The parsha tells us that "the Children of Israel ate the manna for 40 years, until they came to settled land" (16:35). (Note, in particular, the use of the word children here.) The burden is on us, the parents, to feed our children the "food" they require while building the security that comes from knowing that someone is in charge of their well-being, until they safely reach the land of adulthood.

Amy Persky, LCSW, is a psychotherapist living in Jerusalem. Her private practice includes children, adults and families. She came on Aliya from New York in 2001 and is a perennial student at Matan.