MISC section - contents: Q Two of my children (above bar mitzva) caused damages in the house, entirely by their recklessness. The cost of the repairs is significant, and I think they should cover the cost of the repairs. Each child works around the house and gets paid for it. May I dock their pay and in that way receive payment for the damages? A There are three possible directions to take to solve your dilemma. One is to figure out how you could get the money from the kids in a legal, halachic manner. Without knowing the particulars, we would note that the great majority of families give enough to their kids that they can find ways to unilaterally withhold funds to make up for the damages. Another way to go about it is to appeal to the children's sense of fair play and see if they are willing to volunteer (partial) payment or to forgo the money altogether as one more act of love. The third way is to present them with what the con- sequences should be according to the Torah and allow that information to serve as the basis for a p'shara hakerova ladin (compromise that resembles the law) you could arrive at. It is difficult to imagine cases where the first, harshest approach would be educationally appropriate. Between the second and third approaches, it depends very much on the dynamics of the case, the relationships and the personalities involved. It is, of course, up to your discretion to educate your children as you decide. We will supply you with some basic, halachic guidelines to discuss with them. Certainly, we cannot give a halachic ruling after receiving a brief description from only one party. While children under bar mitzva are exempt from paying for the damages they do (Shulchan Aruch, Choshen Mishpat 424:8), those above bar mitzva are obligated to pay for damages. The fact that parents support them has some halachic ramifications, but not in this regard. There is an institution to exempt a wife from payingfor damages she causes to her husband's property in order to maintain family tranquility (Shulchan Aruch, Even Haezer 80:17). There is some question as to how far reaching this rule is (see Chelkat Mechokek, ad loc.), including whether it applies only to a wife or to other members of the household (see Shai Lamorah, adloc.). However, in the case of damage caused by recklessness, clearly no exemption applies. Thus, in theory, one can sue his children for such damages. Of course, the potential, emotional damage that insensitive handling of the situation could cause generally precludes that option. Let us assume that you will assure your children that you will not take away money even in a legal form but will just withhold certain gratuities. Can you withhold money for jobs the kids perform around the house? Many parents expect their children to do significant chores around the house without pay. Although your children are not used to that arrangement, you could implement that policy until the damages are worked off. The question then becomes, what if your children (respectfully??) refuse to do the work if they are not getting paid? Children, certainly at that age, are required to perform the mitzva of kibud av va'em, which includes helping out the parents, as long as they don't have to outlay money to do so (Shulchan Aruch, Yoreh Deah 240:5). On the other hand, it is hard to define the exact limits of what a child is required to do to help healthy parents without pay. It is also hard to predict how the process will affect relationships. We hope and pray that you find the right balance between
accommodating your children and understanding that damages do occur and
teaching them about responsibility for inexcusable mistakes. Remember that
the halachic information is only one factor to help arrive at that balance. "And the same is true for the Jewish people. If there is
friendship and peace between them, they cannot be harmed. If there are
arguments between them, they cannot withstand smallest disturbance." The gist of Dr. Ben Asher's article (Health and Medicine in Judaism) may have some truth, maybe there are "viral infections" that pass without aggressive therapy. But there are infections which can be dangerous if left to "run their course". For example, Strep throat, which is merely a form of sore throat, can turn into a heart-threatening condition if it is not controlled at an early stage and people are urged to have throat cultures for any sore throat that lasts more than a few days. I have a relative whose heart became damaged for life because her parents neglected testing and treating her Strep throat. I feel that Dr. Ben Asher hasa responsibility to point out the exceptions to his theory, Strep throat and whatever else, to save people from suffering permanent damage. I will be relieved if this point is addressed in your next issue. (In general, it doesn't strike me as a wise course to encourage people to think they are one up on conventional medicine. This kind of attitude is known to produce fatalities among people who think, "Why go through agonizing surgery or chemo-therapy when all I have to do is cleanse my system etc." And when they apply this philosophy to their kids it is even sadder. I have read of cases of this happening. May I finish off my tirade with a humble appeal. There is so
much genuine medical advice out there. Why use up your limited space on
unconventional medicine. Has double blind research been done to prove Dr.
Ben Asher's theory that the Rambam is more reliable than modern medicine?
There is plenty of proven advice to fill your pages with. Who will
compensate people who harm themselves irreparably through Dr. Asher's advice
if it is not amended in your next issue? Here's a good one: After recording Jacob's blessings, the Torah tells us that "he blessed them, each according to his blessing did he bless them" (49:28). The Or HaChayyim HaKadosh comments on these seem- ingly superfluous words - ASHER K'VIRCHATO. Jacob understands the particular strengths and talents of each of his sons. Giving a blessing means wishing that the recipient fulfill his own potential; that he becomes that which is possible for him to be. It is not what I would have the other be; nor is it about my dreams or wishes. Rather, it is about realizing the potential that is inherent in the other. K'virchato. To bless is to utter "you;" not "I". Thus, Jacob saw no problem in breaking rank regarding Menashe and Efraim and reversing the customary order of blessings (indeed, this was something with which he was intimately familiar from his own experiences with Esav and his father's blessings). And perhaps this is what lies at the root of the blessing we give our sons to this very day - K'efraim Uk'Menashe -"live out your particular and unique talents." Immediately following the verse of k'virchato, Jacob once again instructs his sons to bury him in the land of Canaan. Is this another facet of his profound understanding of the idea of blessing? The Alexandrover Rebbe teaches that the exile of Egypt only began when the Jews forgot that they were in galut, in exile. Exile is the inability to develop and flower, neither as an individual nor as a nation. The prince who forgets that his home is in the palace and the Jew who forgets that his presence belongs in the palace of God are both sadly bereft of blessing. But it was easy for Jacob's descendants to forget all of this while they enjoyed the ease of Egyptian life and the physical comforts it first offered. In a fool's paradise, there is no realization of foolishness. Jacob's insistence that he not be buried in Egypt was a verbal shofar sounding a warning note against such a dangerous illusion. It was a call to choose blessing over fantasy. Jacob told us - his children - that his aversion to any place other than Israel was so great that even his bodily remains must be returned to that land. For Israel is the only place of full self-actualization for the Jewish people who must bear the blessing of Abraham through the course of history to the end of days. This is our blessing. Rabbi David Ebner, Jerusalem TORAH THOUGHTS as contributed by Aloh Naaleh members for
publication in the Orthodox Union's 'Torah Insights', a weekly Torah
publication on Parshat Ha'Shavuah When Ya'akov blessed Efrayim and Menashe he bestowed upon these two grandchildren the status of his own sons: "And now [they]… shall be mine…like Reuven and Shimon" (Breishit 48:5). Yosef's sons are now counted among the tribes that will inherit Eretz Yisra'el. This privilege was deserved, notes Chizkuni, on account ofYa'akov's appreciation of Yosef's material support and in order to enable the children of Rachel to earn a greater share in the Land. Is it possible, however, that Yosef's two sons deserved this special blessing on their own merit? Perhaps not. For the Midrash notes that Ya'akov foresaw that wicked kings would descend from them - Jereboam and Ahab from Efrayim and Jehu from Menashe. The truth is that the blessings of Ephraim and Menashe are
mixed in with Yosef's personal blessing in which Ya'akov implores that, "the
angel [You assigned] who redeems me from all evil bless the lads (ibid
48:15)." In reality, both father and sons received special attention for
their steadfast devotion to tradition while on foreign soil. [The Parshat Vai-chi Homepage]
|
