Each week we discuss one familiar halakhic practice and try to show its beauty and meaning. The columns are based on the commentary "Meaning in Mitzvot" on the Kitzur Shulchan Arukh, which is serialized on Yeshivat Har Etzion's "Virtual Beit Midrash", www.vbm-torah.org. Subscribers are currently learning about Shabbat.
KRI'AH IN MOURNING (TEARING THE CLOTHES)After the tragic death of Nadav and Avihu, Moshe tells their father Aharon and their brothers Elazar and Itamar, "Do not grow your hair and don't tear your garments, and you won't die". (Vayikra 10:6.) Since Moshe was obligated to instruct the family in this way, the gemara infers that ordinarily mourners are obligated to grow their hair and tear their clothes (Moed Katan 14b-15); furthermore, since Moshe had to reassure them that they wouldn't die, the gemara infers that an ordinary mourner is worthy of death if he doesn't tear his clothes over his departed. (Moed Katan 24a.) Tearing the clothes is an instinctive expression of grief. Our clothes are valuable possessions, which protect and adorn us; tearing them is a way of saying that the loss of a loved one deprives life of some of its meaning, so that our property, our well-being, and our appearance suddenly seem unimportant. Perhaps we can discern another message in this custom - a countervailing message of renewal and growth through grief. Clothes protect us, but they also constrain us; and this is true also of our loved ones. There is nothing negative about this, and unlike modern liberal culture, Judaism has a profound appreciation of the value of limitations and constraints. But when our loved ones depart, we are deprived of the emotional protection they provided, and are left without the sometimes comforting constraints their presence implied. Tearing the clothes expresses the idea of exposure, but also the idea of liberation. We could almost liken this to breaking open a cocoon. The cocoon protects the caterpillar and gives it a unique opportunity to undergo its amazing metamorphosis. The newly-formed butterfly tears the cocoon, giving it a new vulnerability but also a new independence and responsibility. This metaphor is particularly applicable to the death of parents. Our fathers and mothers wrap us in a protective cocoon of love and concern, which enables us to grow and develop. When a parent passes away, the mourning son or daughter is challenged to deal with newly found vulnerability, but also to develop new independence. These aspects are symbolized by the special laws of tearing on parents. The tear on parents must expose the heart (SA YD 340:9), symbolizing deep vulnerability; the tear must extend to the edge of the garment, indicating completely overcoming constraint. (SA YD 340:12.) And clothes torn in mourning on parents may never be completely repaired (SA YD 340:14-15), so the child is obligated to acquire new clothes, corresponding to renewal and independence. Another hint at the message of renewal in kri'ah is the obligation to stand during the tearing. Since our loved ones are a source of support for us, when they depart we have a feeling of incapacity, symbolized by sitting on the floor, and dependence on others, symbolized by accepting food from others. But standing up - a critical aspect of the mitzva of kri'ah (SA YD 340:1) - indicates strength and independence. Willful neglect of kri'ah in mourning denies both these aspects. It disavows the deep emotional vulnerability of the mourner, seemingly showing a dearth of feeling. And it defies the challenge of new emotional growth, as if the mourner is still imprisoned by the influence of the departed relative. Perhaps this emotional morbidity and lack of renewal are part of the symbolic "capital punishment" hinted at in our parsha.
Rabbi Asher Meir is in the process of writing a monumental companion to Kitzur Shulchan Aruch which beautifully presents the meanings in our mitzvot and halacha. Rabbi Meir - who had given a series on Business Halacha at the Center, and has taught a series on the Meaning in Mitzvot. We hope to have him back at the Center some time in the future.
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