Rebuke? 5757 -- Ideas in Jewish Philosophy and Practice by Rabbi Barry Gelman, Assistant Rabbi, Hebrew Institute of Riverdale

Ideas in Jewish Philosophy and Practice
by
Rabbi Barry Gelman
Assistant Rabbi, Hebrew Institute of Riverdale

To Rebuke or Not To Rebuke...?

I remember a certain Rebee I had in Eighth grade. The truth is that he was only marginally successful in connecting with his students. For me, everything he said, in one ear and out the other. What I do remember is that he spent a great deal of time telling us what was wrong with our lives. We paid to much attention to sports and we weren’t serious enough in our Limudei Kodesh, Judaic studies.

Time and again, and this really annoyed me, he would refer to the neighborhoods we lived in as Midbarim, deserts, spiritual deserts. He would ask, how many people in your Shul wear black hats.

This Rebee was a full time Ba’al Tochacha, a rebuker. I believe that he really felt that he was doing the right thing. He felt that if he hit us over the head enough times with what we were doing wrong we would eventually listen to him. While his motive may have been good, I think he made a fundamental mistake in his understanding of why one rebukes or criticizes.

It is this weeks Torah reading that teaches us the obligation to rebuke. In defense of that Rebee, the literal translation of the verse is "rebuke, repeatedly rebuke your neighbor" if anything he got that part right.

Why does one criticize. What drives a person to rebukes? It seems to me that there are three reasons one would rebuke or criticize.

1. One is the obvious reason; that would be to alter a particular behavior. Now this could be in the religious sphere, if you witness an individual behaving in a way that you believe is religiously prohibited, according to the Torah you would be obligated to point it out. In the words of Shimshon Rephael Hirsch, "Rebuke imposes on every member of the Jewish community generally not to remain silent when they see their Jewish companion’s big or small sins." Likewise in the realm of interpersonal relationships, one is obligated to allude to misdeeds. Again Rav Hirsch recommends placing "...the matter openly....giving an opportunity to justify the behavior or of making amends for it." This is the first reason, an attempt, via rebuke to correct one’s behavior

2. The second reason for reprimand may be in order to avoid what the Talmud calls "silence is equivalent to acquiescence ." To borrow a legal determination from Talmudic legal precedent. If an individual claims ownership of your land by settling there and the rightful owner does not object within three years then the land is transferred to the squatter. The Talmud goes on to explain that even after that initial objection the owner must declare his disapproval at least once every three years. It’s not enough to object once or twice, there must be a consistent voice of disapproval. The reason is to avoid the notion that since there is no voice of objection, then the owner must not care. Similarly when it comes to rebuking someone for a religious or social fault, silence may often be construed as agreement. Perhaps this is what King David meant when he said " Seeing that you hate rebuke, and cast my words away....and if I keep silent, you would think that I am like you" This is the second reason, to "go on record" so to speak about your disapproval

3. The third reason for reprimanding is less obvious. I’d like to suggest that the reason we tell people of our disapproval of their behavior is in order to show them that we care about them. It’s the ultimate way to illustrate that what others do matters to you. I’ve often heard the expression "you can love me or you can hate me, but please don’t ignore me." No one wants to be ignored.

Let me give you an example from personal experience.

It was just a few weeks ago when I ran into an old student of mine. The truth is that he had cut school that day and his parents didn’t know where he was. He now had to go home and face parents. As soon as I saw him I knew that something was wrong. I asked him if he was O.K. he told me yes but as I started to walk away I felt that he wasn’t O.K. I asked him if he wanted to talk and he immediately opened up to me about all that had happened that day and that he was scared to face his parents. He was just
waiting for someone to pay attention to him, even if I did have to tell him in on uncertain terms that what he did was wrong, wrong to treat his parents that way, wrong to cause a scare in his school and dangerous. But frankly he wasn’t upset at my position, in fact he was relieved and comforted. So this is the third reason, to indicate to another that what they do matters to you.

Now all of these reasons are important, effort to change someone’s inappropriate behavior, indicating that you don’t agree with a particular behavior and showing that we care. Which one is the most important, or better yet which one was the reason that the Torah had in mind.

I think that the third reason is the primary reason. The reason I think so is based on a very odd juxtaposition. Before we are told about "rebuke your fellow" we are told "you should not hate your brother in your heart." Now if the primary reason for the Mitzvah of rebuke was to change behavior or to indicate disagreement then there is no inherent reason to connect the restriction of hating your brother. One may hate the individual they are trying to change. Sure it may not be the kindest or most efficient way to affect a change but fundamentally it can be done. On the other hand if the intention of "Tochachah" is to show others that you are concerned of course and essential ingredient would be removing hatred. It would be absurd contradiction of terms to think that one could indicate concern and care if you hate your brother in your heart. If you hate someone, then you don’t care if they behave in a way that is dangerous or hurtful to you. Simply, you ignore whatever it is that they do.

These are the words of the famed Avnei Ezel "True rebuke is only possible to those we love, whose behavior touches our heart and we wish for their improvement. Similar to a parent who rebukes a child and not someone else’s child. The closer you are to a person, the greater the love and the more sincere the rebuke. Rebuke that is the byproduct of love has the greatest affect....Without "do not hate" there cannot be rebuke.

Rabbi Yitzchak Elchanan Spector put it best with the following example "The difference between me and others is similar to that of a cat and a person who live in a house. Both of them hate mice, but the cat wants the mice around so he can chase them and kill them, the people who live in the house would rather that the mice not be there at all. Similarly, I pray that there be no more sin and I work toward that end, others want sin to continue so that they have someone to hate a yell at. That’s the danger of rebuke if not done for the right reason.

There is one other important thing to remember in all of this. There are two sides of rebuke coin, there is the rebuker and the rebukee. We have seen that one must rebuke out of care and in order to show concern, in a similar vain one must accept rebuke with a certain humility and awareness of shortcomings in mind.

Shimshon Rephael Hirsch says "A society in which every member can call the conduct of every other member to account presupposes that every one is equally prepared to accept admonition on his own behavior."

I had another Rebee this time, post high school in Israel. This man personifies this Pasuk. Sometimes people, ironically teachers are often afraid to practice Hocheach Tocheach, there is a very real fear that it will be taken wrong and instead of having a positive affect the result can be a real turn off.

This Rebee was not afraid, you know why, because he lived the entire Pasuk. He is a student of Rav Kook who is famous for saying, if the Beit Hamikdash was destroyed because of baseless hatred then it can only be rebuilt out of "ceaseless and boundless love."

This Rebee has managed to remove every ounce of hatred or animosity from his heart. The word hate has no place in his vocabulary. Once that is the case, then the automatic next step is pointing out someone’s shortcomings. For him it was his way of showing us he loved us, and the message came through loud and clear. Once you remove hatred or animosity and all you are left with is love, then you really have no choice but to fulfill "Hocheach Tocheach et Amitecha." As he once told me as I was leaving to go teach in an Israeli school of non-affiliated children "you will only be successful if the students somehow know that you are motivated by love." He was right...and I believe he is right on many levels. Not just on the teacher student level, but with regards to parents and children, siblings and of course husband and wife.

I believe that the hardest thing to do is to tell a spouse that what they did was hurtful. It’s a matter of creating and cultivating a climate of understanding and deep respect. It is unfortunate that it is such a difficult task. It is unfortunate that human nature is has led the Talmud to declare "Rabbi Tarfon said I would be surprised to find anybody living on our times who can properly rebuke someone." Rabbi Elazar Ben Azaryah answers that he would be surprised if he would find anyone who could properly accept rebuke.

I believe that it’s a matter of living the entire Pasuk. "you shall not hate your brother in your heart" but rather you should love your fellow and illustrate that love via "rebuke".

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