August 1, 2003

Couples Ranged From One Year of Marriage to 53:

OU TURNS ‘GOOD MARRIAGES INTO GREAT ONES’ AT RETREAT FOR CONTENTED COUPLES

In an atmosphere reminiscent of a large family gathering, the Orthodox Union brought together 84 happily married couples last weekend, with the aim of “turning good marriages into great ones.” According to Frank Buchweitz, OU Director of Special Projects, who orchestrated the entire “Positive Jewish Marriages Enrichment Retreat,” the couples spanned the ideological spectrum of Orthodoxy, providing a sense of achdut, or Jewish unity, throughout the program. Participants ranged from one year of marriage to 53 and came from many localities, as far removed from the retreat’s suburban New Jersey location as Des Moines. More than 50 other couples were turned away for lack of space when registration was closed two weeks before the event.

“From the day the program was announced, people were clamoring to attend,” the OU’s Buchweitz said. “They realize that marriage is a long-term situation, that just as doctors and other professionals engage in continuing education, even happily married couples should take the time to renew their knowledge of each other and to learn techniques to strengthen their healthy relationship.”

In 19 sessions, the program concentrated on such topics as communication skills, decision making, conflict resolution and realistic expectations. The presenters were all professionals from the Orthodox community, two of whom were also synagogue rabbis. Indeed, Jewish learning was a constant in the proceedings: presenters continually referred to Torah, Gemara, Mishlei (Proverbs), as well as to a wide variety of commentaries.

Feedback from participants was overwhelmingly favorable, with many couples emphasizing the amount of fun and good feeling the retreat engendered. By design, the event was scheduled for a weekend. “Shabbat is wonderful time to hold such a program,” declared Dr. Marcy P. Schaffer, who together with her husband Dr. Sylvan J. Schaffer, presented four sessions during the weekend. “The retreat involved aspects of the sanctity and kedusha (holiness) of marriage, which Shabbat is ideal for,” added Dr. Sylvan Schaffer.

Ed and Fern Wunsch of Woodmere, NY agree. “We met a lot of very good people here. We developed a real camaraderie with people at our table, with people we davened with, with people who like us came here to enhance their marriages, so we formed lasting friendships with them.”

“We emphasized personal involvement and the human touch,” Frank Buchweitz explained. “The couples felt they were treated like family rather than like people going to a hotel for the weekend. We took special care to make certain that there would be a family atmosphere, that the relationship with the presenters would be informal, and that through audience participation and discussions, the retreat would not be a seminar, but a living experience.”

“Men Are From Minsk, Women Are From Pinsk – Understanding Gender Differences,” a session led by Rabbi Dr. Mordechai Glick, had participants rolling in the aisles at dialogues in which first the husband took a cool, business-like attitude to the emotional words of his wife, and then, in a role reversal, the wife became cool and the husband emotional. “Rabbi Glick was totally amazing,” declared one couple on their post-retreat evaluation form.

All was not laughter, however, Presenters and participants alike acknowledged that there are stresses even in good marriages, and that only by addressing them can good marriages become great. “We have a wonderful, Orthodox lifestyle which can, at times, stress us out,” declared Dr. David Pelcovitz in his session, “How to Speak So Your Spouse Will Listen, and How to Understand What Really Is Being Said.” Such roadblocks to harmony as poor communication between spouses, the challenges of parenting, in-law relationships and financial strains (often due to the soaring costs of yeshiva tuition) were explored, and techniques to deal with them were presented.

In the Shabbat sessions conducted by the Drs. Schaffer, couples learned basic techniques to apply to specific challenges. “We provided skills-based training so that problems do not spiral out of control,” explained Dr. Marcy Schaffer.

One young couple, the parents of two children, was enthusiastic about these approaches. “The bottom line is, we understand that marriage can sometimes be a struggle what with the pressures of children and other concerns,” the husband remarked. “You have to work really hard to bridge the gap that may develop, so you make the effort”. According to his wife, “If your marriage is working, as ours is, you can deal with the issues if you know how to do it.”

An interested observer was OU Executive Vice President Rabbi Dr. Tzvi Hersh Weinreb, himself a psychologist with years of clinical experience in dealing with issues of marriage, in addition to his role as a rabbi. For Rabbi Weinreb, the retreat had a variety of expectations, all of which were fulfilled. “We learned a lot about positive Jewish marriages,” he said, distinguishing between positive marriages and those in trouble. “The faculty was outstanding,” he added, and “in the biggest bonus of all, we had a lot of fun.”

OU Executive Director for Programming Rabbi Moshe D. Krupka sees the “Positive Jewish Marriages Enrichment Retreat” as the latest example of the OU’s increasing emphasis on programs directed towards the needs of the community. “Following on the highly successful parenting programs the OU has organized nationally over the past few years,” he said, “we feel that an increasing part of our efforts should be targeted towards the individual members of our constituency. Clearly, whatever we can do to strengthen the Jewish family will help ensure the stability of our community in the years to come.”

With this success as a guide, the OU hopes that local communities will now sponsor events of this kind, utilizing expert resources from their own localities or importing them as necessary. “The OU will play a leading role in encouraging and facilitating these programs across the country,” declared Rabbi Krupka.

That is good news to Dr. Michael Elman of Baltimore, an OU Regional Vice President, and his wife Linda. “Marriage and the family are the most important aspects of Jewish life,” Dr. Elman said. “The OU is in the unique position of being able to facilitate happy marriages in the Jewish community, to help people maintain the proper priorities in their Jewish lives, and to bond these people to their synagogues through these programs.”

For more information on bringing a program on “Positive Jewish Marriages” to your community, please contact Frank Buchweitz, Director of Special Projects, Orthodox Union, at frank@ou.org, or 212-613-8188.

Photos

Drs. Marcy and Sylvan Schaffer lead a Sunday session on “The Art of Conflict Negotiation and Compromise.”	Rabbi Dr. Mordechai Glick of Montreal chats with participants.
OU Director of Special Projects Frank Buchweitz, who organized the Retreat, addresses participants.	Participants enjoyed themselves, while strengthening their already healthy marriages.
Saturday night featured a “Not So Newly-Wed Game,” in which spouses tried to discover how much they knew about each other. The winners, Yankel and Marcy Davidovics of Brooklyn, NY, are congratulated by presenter Rabbi Dr. Reuven Bulka of Ottawa, seated center at the table.	Dr. David Pelcovitz conducted the session, “How to Speak so Your Spouse Will Listen and How to Understand What Really Is Being Said.”

The Orthodox Union, now in its second century of service to the Jewish community of North America and beyond, is a world leader in community and synagogue services, adult education, youth work through NCSY, political action through the IPA, and advocacy for persons with disabilities through Yachad and Our Way. Its kosher supervision label, the , is the world’s most recognized kosher symbol and can be found on over 275,000 products manufactured in 68 countries around the globe.

www.ou.org

Comments? Requests? Questions?

Orthodox Union Department of Communications and Marketing David Olivestone Director Stephen Steiner Director of Public Relations Main Office: 11 Broadway, New York, NY 10004 Phone: 212.613.8318 Fax: 212-613-0763 E-mail: steiners@ou.org  |  media@ou.org

OUPR Archives Recent statements to the press: 2002  |  2001  |  2000  |  1999  |  1998