What Do I Tell My Children About Sandy Hook?

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I have gotten repeated requests to write an article about Sandy Hook, about what we should say to our kids. I have been mulling it over all weekend. I realized that I am not sure that I can.

It takes me a long time to process news like this. First, I avoid the newspapers completely. Then I start reading everything I can get my hands on.

My husband urges me to talk to my kids but I can’t. I want to pretend that these things don’t happen. I don’t want to educate my children to the very real horrors that occur in the world.
So my husband tells them about the massacre in Newton, Connecticut. How we need to pray for the victims. We send you to school where we believe it is safe and we know that everyday that you come home is a blessing. I think to myself, Is that enough? No, I don’t think it is.

I search the internet for more ideas on how to talk to our kids about the tragedy. Many articles urge parents to ask if their children heard anything and then act as a sounding board. Just listen. That sounds good to me.

I asked my nine-year-old daughter if she heard anything beside what Daddy told her about the massacre. She said, “Of course Mommy. I saw it in the newspaper before you woke up. There are lots of dead children and adults.”

I should not have left the newspaper out. I asked her what she thought about it. “I don’t know, it happens,” she shrugged. She was strangely matter of fact.

I asked her if she had any questions. She didn’t. But I am sure deep down she does. I see that this is just the beginning of a discussion where I don’t think I have too many answers.
As I write this though, I think I know where I want to direct this conversation. A quote by Mr. Fred Rogers is floating around Facebook,

When I was a boy and I would see scary things on the news, my mother would say to me, “Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.” To this day, especially during times of disaster, I remember my mother’s words and I am always comforted by realizing there are so many helpers–so many caring people in this world.

Victoria Soto, Sandy Hook teacher who died to save her students.
Victoria Soto, Sandy Hook teacher who died to save her students.

This is a very Jewish response to tragedy. To help. From Abraham, who offered hospitality in his tent in the desert, and Joseph, who saved the Egyptian people during a time of famine. More recently, I think of the Jewish organizations that raced to help in the aftermath of Hurricane Sandy and the Israelis who were the first to set up a makeshift hospital in Haiti during this last earthquake.

Maybe that is the only way to deal with this. Think about the helpers. Think about the amazing teachers who risked their lives for their students. Think about courage. Pray and support the people who have just sustained such an awful loss.

I hope I can continue this dialogue with my kids and help them focus on the good people in the world.

I hope this is how we can respect and honor the victims. I hope it is enough for now.

 

Adina Soclof, MS. CCC-SLP, works as a Parent Educator for Bellefaire Jewish Children’s Bureau facilitating How to Talk so Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids will Talk workshops as well as workshops based on Siblings Without Rivalry. Adina also runs parentingsimply.com. 

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  • jaysimkin

    First, unless your childrens’ school has armed security guards, it is not safe. Courthouses – Federal and State – have armed guards. The US Capitol building has armed guards. The White House has armed guards. The Pentagon has armed guards. In all of these buildings there are adults, perfectly able to protect themselves. Yet, tax-payers cover the cost of armed guards. Yet, in schools – where our most precious assets are found – there are no armed guards. This makes no sense. There’s no need to make schools into prisons. We simply need at least three armed guards on duty, whenever children are in the building.

    Second, many believe – wrongly – that police will protect them. In the US, police have no duty to protect the average person. The US Supreme Court so held in 1856, in South v. Maryland (59 U.S. 396 (1856): a private party has no right to police protection. In the modern language of a US Appellate Court: “But there is no constitutional right to be protected by the state against being murdered by criminals or madmen. It is
    monstrous if the state fails to protect its residents against such predators but it does not violate the due process clause of the Fourteenth Amendment or, we suppose, any other provision of the Constitution.” (Bowers v. Devito, 686 F.2d 616, 618 (7th Cir. 1982). This is “good law”, i.e., this decision has not been over-turned. Each of us is responsible for his/her own protection and all of us are responsible for protecting children. It is that simple.

    In short, just as adults have a duty to protect children at home, adults have a duty to protect children at school. If some teachers do not wish to be armed – some will, some won’t – then we tax-payers need to come up with the money to provide professional armed security guards. There should be at least three per school, every minute that children are on the premises.

    Nothing else can be made to work. If policy-makers are serious about protecting children – and we hope that’s so – then the top priority should be recruiting guards for schools.

    One more thing. No responsible publication or broadcaster should mention the name – or reproduce a likeness – of the Newtown School murderer. He’s dead. No one needs to know his name or to see his face. It would be different were he a fugitive, and the police needed help to find him. That isn’t the case. He’s dead. By not mentioning his name – or spreading his likeness – we deny him the “fame” he sought and deter those, who seek similar “fame”. This murderer should vanish from among us, just as did the leader of al-Qaeda. No one mentions his name. That is as it should be.