When I was fourteen I decided that I was going to become perfect. Yeah, I hear how it sounds now, but at the time, it seemed like a brilliant idea. See, one of my sisters’ greatest pleasure during childhood was to constantly tell me everything I was doing wrong. (In adulthood, it’s only her second or third greatest pleasure.)

I usually tried to defend myself, but one day I realized that she had a point. There were a lot of things about me that needed changing, so I decided to just do it, right then and there. Stop all my bad habits, incorporate the positive character traits I was lacking, and in a matter of no time, there’d be nothing left for her to complain about.

Unfortunately, after a few days of attempted perfection, I saw that nothing about me had actually changed. I was still chewing my breakfast cereal like a cow and hadn’t been able to stop myself from balling up her clothes and throwing them on the floor after I’d worn them. And I’m sorry to say that I was still leaving my daily glob of toothpaste in the bathroom sink.

Trying to become perfect, it seemed, was a lot easier in theory than in practice. So instead of trying to become perfect all in one fell swoop, I committed to working everyday to get just a little bit better. Some days I’d have great success, other days there’d be huge failures, and probably many days there’d be very little movement at all. But at least I’d be on a path, headed in the right direction, making my way towards the goal as quickly as I could.

And I told myself that if I was ever feeling down about how much I had accomplished, I would just look back at all the obstacles I’d already overcome to be reminded what I was capable of. But if those achievements ever caused me to feel arrogant, I would simply look forward so I’d remember how much there still was to achieve.

Years later, after I became observant, I found out that one of the famous yeshivas in pre-World War II Europe encouraged a very similar practice among their students. In order to achieve the appropriate balance between humility and confidence the students were instructed to keep a Torah phrase in each of their pockets.

If they were feeling disappointed with how they were fairing in life, they’d look to the pocket that said “Bishvili kol ha’olam nivra,” which means “the entire universe was created just for me.” If they were feeling too haughty about their accomplishments, they’d look to the pocket that read, “Ani afer v’efer,” meaning “I’m nothing but ashes and dirt.”

Achieving humility is a very important goal in Judaism, but it can’t come at the expense of a healthy sense of self. It’s a hard balance to achieve, but don’t fret, practice makes perfect.

Allison Josephs is the founder and director of JewintheCity.com which breaks down stereotypes about Orthodox Jews and offers and humorous, meaningful look into Orthodox Judaism through the power of new media.

The big news two weeks ago was the word “knaidel” in the National Spelling Bee. Should it be kneidel, knaydl, knaydel? People were really up in arms over this! (Personally, I prefer kreplach, so the whole issue is moot to me.) True, there are no standardized transliterations for Yiddish words but if Webster likes knaidlach more than kneydlach, it’s no skin off mine.

This past week, the big scandal was Israeli bourekas. There, the Chief Rabbinate issued a set of guidelines for the shape of pastries. In this way, consumers can easily tell a crescent-shaped dairy rugelach from a straight parve rugelach. Now, I hate government paternalism as much as the next guy – let people buy 500-ounce sodas for all I care! – but I was having trouble mustering any ire about this rule since it’s kind of already Jewish law.

One should not bake bread with milk or with animal fat; if he does, the loaf must be in a distinctive shape so that people will recognize that it’s dairy or meat, not parve. That’s a basic law of kashrus. (You can read it in the Shulchan Aruch or here, in OU Torah’s HaShoneh Halachos.) So a kashrus agency enforcing a law of kashrus doesn’t exactly scream anything insidious to me.

I saw real ire last Pesach. Two things had people going nuts then. The first was the status of quinoa, which some people eat on Pesach and others do not. Why is this a point of contention? Some people eat rice and beans on Pesach; others don’t. Some people eat matzah balls on Pesach; others don’t. Some people only eat vegetables that can be peeled on Pesach! Why should a difference of opinion over quinoa tear us apart? If I eat it and you don’t, I won’t serve it to you! If you don’t want to eat at my house until after Pesach, no offense taken! I won’t eat at your house during Pesach if you serve corn and peas, so I hope you won’t take offense, either!

A surprising amount of bile was reserved for “schlissel challah.” This is a custom to bake a key in a challah on the Shabbos following Pesach. I have no idea why this custom has gained popularity in recent years but it doesn’t offend me one way or the other. I actually read people ranting online that customs like this were “destroying the religion!” Really? Apparently, some people are concerned that if doing so becomes mainstream, they will be looked down upon for not doing so. Honestly, I have trouble seeing rioting in the streets and religious schisms forming over whether or not someone chooses to bake a key in a bread. Is this a big topic of conversation in most circles? I guess one could refrain from inviting guests with opposing “schlissel” customs on the Shabbos after Pesach, but I really don’t think most people care enough to summon religious zeal on this matter. (I didn’t grow my sons’ hair until their third birthdays, as many do. If anyone asked, I said, “It’s not my minhag.” Nobody got righteously indignant over that and it’s way more visible than whether or not my wife bakes a key in a bread.)

These are the things people are getting upset over? Aren’t there any real problems in life?

I always like when Lindsay Lohan or Brittany Spears is the top news story. Not because I care about celebrity gossip (which I don’t) but because if Amanda Bynes is important today, that means that there’s no Columbine, 9/11 or Intifada going on. A slow news day is a great thing. If I care about Governor Christie’s lap-band surgery, that means there’s no Hurricane Katrina to talk about. If I have time to care about what Justin Bieber writes in the Anne Frank House guest book, it means there’s no Boston Marathon bombing or Sandy Hook elementary.

By the same token, if people have the time to get upset over kneidlach (or however you want to spell them), I guess it’s a sign that there aren’t bigger problems in the world.

Except, you know, there are.

I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but the Middle East situation is still kind of a mess, and we have a few kinks to work out on the home front, as well. I guess most people don’t think they can solve Syria or homeland security but bourekas? That they can do something about!

It’s okay. We can get wrapped up in the little things so long as we remember that they’re the little things.

I was at the World Trade Center on September 11, 2001. That’s a Big Thing. I was trapped in a building on Water Street for several hours after the towers collapsed and I was evacuated on foot over the Manhattan Bridge. People on the Brooklyn side provided evacuees with water, chairs, and bathroom facilities. No one asked us if we ate quinoa on Pesach.

Hurricane Sandy was another Big Thing. My neighborhood was without power for two weeks. We were effectively trapped with no public transportation services and a gas crisis. (Remember the fuel rationing? It wasn’t that long ago!) People sent the community supplies and food from near and far. No one asked if we baked keys in our challahs.

These are just my personal experiences but they are not exhaustive. The organizations that sent supplies to victims of the Oklahoma tornado did not specify boureka shapes as a criterion for aid.

Arguing over little things is a luxury. It’s okay to indulge once in a while. But when push comes to shove, we have to remember what’s important. If you can keep a sense of perspective and put differences aside when called for, then feel free to kvetch away now and then. We get it; it’s cathartic. Just don’t make non-issues into real issues. They are not “destroying the religion.” The religion is doing just fine, occasional differences of opinion notwithstanding, thankyewverrymuch.

Me? I’m going to go have some bourekas and see what Lindsay Lohan has been up to lately.

According to Jewish tradition, the summer months of Tammuz and Av are filled with strife for the Jewish people. It is the time when we had the story of the spies talking Lashon Hara about Eretz Yisroel,  Korach’s rebellion and later on the Churban Bayit Rishon and Sheini.

Why our ancestors failed is less important than how our ancestors failed. We can use these stories as a teaching moment for ourselves about how important it is to run our families efficiently while trying to maintain a stress-free environment. A stress-free environment is the first step in guaranteeing shalom bayit, peace in the house.

Here are some simple ways to keep our family lives more peaceful:

1. Cut yourself some slack:

Low states and feeling blue are an annoying but intrinsic part of life. When we are feeling “blah” or we see others acting poorly we tend to blow things out of proportion. We can become critical of ourselves and of our family members. The best way to manage our bad moods and the bad moods of others is to accept them at face value and acknowledge them without any judgments:

Criticizing: “Why do I always get so upset about everything? I am such a party pooper.”

“Why is she always whining about everything? She is so spoiled.”

Accept the low state and be kind to yourself and others: “Seems like I am having a rough day, I am in a low state, nothing to worry about, I will come around soon enough.”

“She is having a rough day today. She usually does not act like this. Once she pulls herself together she will get back to her cheery self.”

2. Be kind to others:

Bad moods can also taint our perceptions of our kids and spouses. Behavior that was considered normal one day may seem contentious and irksome when one is feeling down. Resentment can fester and the blame game starts. If we recognize that our bad mood is the cause of the negativity we can avoid conflict:

Blaming others: “Why do you kids have to complain about everything? You are so annoying and rude!”

Recognizing the low state: “I must be in a really bad mood, everything they do or say is bothering me. Even the things that they do regularly that I usually don’t notice.”

3. Don’t do anything:

Many health professionals recommend postponing any important decisions until good humor is restored. Discussions of a serious nature should be avoided as well, until everyone is feeling happy. It is fair for family members to say to one another:

“I am feeling overwhelmed right now. I need to let you know later if I can chaperone for your school trip.”

“I am not in the best of moods, can we have this discussion another time?”

4. Take a breather:

When emotions are running high it is the time for everyone to take a break from each other.  When members of your family are not getting along, gently encourage them to find a quiet place to recharge. Parents can do this by role modeling:

“Boy, I am in a bad mood. I need a couple of minutes of quiet to pull myself out of this funk. I’ll be in my room if you need me.”

Family life is not always easy and can be full of strife. But there are ways to keep us far from machloket even during these tough summer months.

Adina Soclof, MS. CCC-SLP, works as a Parent Educator for Bellefaire Jewish Children’s Bureau facilitating How to Talk so Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids will Talk workshops as well as workshops based on Siblings Without Rivalry. Adina also runs parentingsimply.com. 

Savitsky talks with criminal defense attorney Ben Brafman about what it means to be a Jew and how to make a Kiddush Hashem.

Savitsky Talks is a weekly 20 minute audio program with interviews and discussions that probe and explore contemporary Jewish life. Steve Savitsky’s unusually direct and objective approach make this program a refreshing take on the Jewish community’s often challenging role in the world.

When it comes to losing weight, most of us tend to think of dieting and exercising. The weight loss equation is quite simple: use more calories per day than you ingest. Sounds easy enough! But if it is SO easy, then why can’t most of us accomplish it? Why are the rates of overweight and obesity so high? Perhaps we are a little too focused on diet and nutrition, figuring out exactly which piece of exercise equipment to purchase or which clothing to wear during our outdoor workout. As important as all these factors may be, if we can’t change our basic behaviors, then all the best laid plans for proper eating and setting aside adequate time for exercise will most likely fall short. How many times have we started a diet when a new week begins, only to see it last a few days at best?

Most people who are overweight and out of shape have two things in common. One, they eat whatever they want whenever they want, and two; they usually lead a sedentary lifestyle. What is even more important to realize is that most poor habits have been in place for many, many years. They are entrenched within our very being. Rav Yisrael Salanter once said that it is easier to learn the entire Talmud than to change one character trait. And indeed, reading about a proper diet or consulting an exercise specialist about a balanced and productive exercise program is actually the easy part. Executing these plans can be an entirely different story. It is indeed difficult to inculcate something into your life that may not have been a part of it for 30, 40 or even 50 years. Yet, these changes certainly can enhance the quality of life, and in some circumstances, can even save your life.

In a recent interview with the mental health editor of Medscape, Judith S. Beck, Ph. D., Director of the Beck Institute for Cognitive Therapy and Research and Clinical Professor of Psychology in Psychiatry at the University of Pennsylvania, gave some solid tools for how one should approach weight loss in terms of changing one’s behaviors. Dr. Beck states, “Dieters need a great deal of education about dieting, food, eating, and maintenance. They have to choose a highly nutritious diet program and learn to plan and self-monitor their intake. They need help in solving problems that would otherwise derail them. They need to find someone to keep them accountable and to support them. Behavioral experiments are important to decrease their fear of hunger and cravings and increase their tolerance for these uncomfortable states. Finally, they need to learn how to identify and respond to dysfunctional thoughts that get in the way of their consistently implementing their diet and exercise programs.”

One of the most important points Dr. Beck makes is that people must realize is that real and sustainable weight loss does not happen overnight; it takes time and one must lose slowly. Losing two pounds per week is a realistic and healthy goal. So first, you must come to grips with the fact that rapid weight loss is not an option. It will only result in gaining back the lost weight down the road. At the beginning of your weight reduction program, make a list of all the advantages of being at a healthy weight, and keep that list with you at all times as a reminder. Each time you face temptation, look at your list.
Plan your food intake meticulously, including all meals and snacks. Don’t rely on hunger to tell you when to eat. Also, eat foods that minimize hunger. I often explain to my clients that hunger comes and goes. For instance, on Yom Kippur morning, at some juncture, you may get hungry, but as the day progresses, the hunger dissipates. Hunger is not a life-threatening problem; learn to ignore it.

Dr. Beck further states “Dieters give themselves permission to stray from their diet for any number of reasons. They’re upset, happy, tired, stressed, celebrating, traveling, busy, at a party… The list is endless. They think, ‘It’s okay to eat because…. everyone else is; it’s only a small piece; no one is watching; the food is free; I rarely get a chance to eat this kind of food.’ They need to learn the same skills to avoid straying from their plan, no matter what the reason. They have to grasp the fact that they can either eat what they want, when they want, for whatever reason they want (including being upset), or they can be thinner. But it’s impossible to have it both ways.”

Dieters need to be accountable to someone. Very few people are good at being accountable to themselves. A nutritionist, a personal trainer who understands basic weight loss techniques and nutrition, or a weight loss coach all are good choices. If you need to report in weekly, weigh yourself, or track your food intake, you are more likely to change your old behaviors.

A study done in 2005 in Sweden by Hallstrom Stahre confirmed that obese subjects not only lost weight during a 10-week cognitive therapy program, but that most continued to lose weight during an 18-month follow-up as well.

Yes, it is important to be as educated as possible about nutrition, portion control and a balanced exercise program, but without basic behavioral changes, much of the time and effort going expended will not be internalized and will not have the long-lasting effects that bring good health.

Stay tuned for next week’s column, which will focus on establishing and enhancing healthy eating habits.

Alan Freishtat is an A.C.E. CERTIFIED PERSONAL TRAINER and a LIFESTYLE FITNESS COACH with over 17 years of professional experience. He is the co-director of the Jerusalem-based weight loss and stress reduction center Lose It! along with Linda Holtz M.Sc. and is available for private consultations, assessments and personalized workout programs. Alan also lectures and gives seminars and workshops. He can be reached at 02-651-8502 or 050-555-7175, or by email at alan@loseit.co.il 

This article originally appeared on finkorswim.com.

I don’t think it matters much what Jewish law would say about the government snooping on its citizens. The government is not subject to Jewish law and its citizens don’t expect the government to conform its policies to Jewish law. Yet, there seems to be value in such analysis as I have been asked this question by several people.

As is often the case, we have two competing interests at stake. Privacy on one hand and safety on the other. Both of these interests are recognized in Jewish law. But they are completely different planes.

Life is primary in Jewish law. All else comes after life. One is not permitted to kill. One is not permitted to commit suicide. One is not permitted to harm one self. One is not permitted to place one’s life in danger. One is obligated to violate Jewish law in order to save one’s own life (with three exceptions – murder, idolatry, and adultery). The sanctity of life is of the utmost importance in Jewish law. These particular laws are derived from primary sources in the Torah and Mishna.

There is also a prohibition against snooping on one’s neighbor in Jewish law. One is not permitted to place a window overlooking one’s neighbor’s private property. This sort of loss of privacy gives rise to a civil action in Jewish court. Some authorties extend right of privacy to include eavesdropping or even accidentally hearing others in private conversation.

Additionally, there is standing prohibtion in Jewish law against sharing anything revealed in private conversation. Without specifically stating that a conversation is allowed to be shared, it is required to be kept in confidence.

Finally, much later on in Jewish legal history a ban was placed on reading the private communications of others. This decree originally applied to mail but many authorities now extend it to all forms of communication.

These considerations all apply today and would apply to governments as well.

However, none of these considerations overrides the sanctity of life. If just one life could be saved it seems that all these rules could be ignored. Certainly, it would be expected that the minimal intrusion to save the life would be made. Saving a life is not a license to do as one pleases. Further, use of the information gathered would be limited to the purpose of saving lives and nothing else.The interesting thing here is that one life is enough for all our privacy to be suspended. One life is all it takes.

It would seem that as long as lives are being saved, the government is not bound by the strict privacy laws or decrees. The question then becomes whether lives are actually being saved. I don’t know the answer to that question. But that is the issue. It is the only issue.If there is a threat of loss of life, the government or any private citizen would have the right and according to some authorities the obligation to spy on its citizens to protect others.

I think it is laudible that the government takes the lives of its citizens so seriously. Obviously there are concerns that the government will use the information obtained improperly. However, there can be no prohibition against the gathering of the information so long as lives are at stake.

Rabbi Eliyahu Fink, J.D., is the rabbi at the famous Pacific Jewish Center | The Shul on the Beach in Venice, CA. Connect with Rabbi Fink through Facebook, Twitter or email.

I just finished reading the book “Quiet: The Power of Introverts In A World That Can’t Stop Talking.” I really enjoyed it. It is good to know that the thinkers and the dreamers do a lot of good in the world. Introverts are great leaders, true friends, innovators, writers and philosophers. The world cannot do without them.

So we need to cherish our quiet, sensitive, careful and dreamy kids. We need to appreciate their strengths and cultivate them. We also need to find ways to nurture our relationships with them.

How can we do that? Here are some ideas:

1. Change your goal:

Parents often feel they are not connecting with their kids unless they are talking with their kids. This is a false beliefe as there are many other ways to connect. Cultivating a good relationship with children can actually be done silently. Actions like cuddling, sitting next to them on the couch while they are watching TV and having their favorite food for dinner creates connections with kids. Those actions are probably more important than actual speech.

Many people connect with others specifically through the act of talking. If you are one of those people it is helpful to understand that not all people need to talk in order to build relationships. (This is usually harder for women then for men). If you need to talk to connect, try talking about the things that interest your kids like basketball, ice skating, soccer and the mystery series that they are reading. Look up that article online about the burrowing habits of prairie dogs or J.K. Rowling’s next project. Kids are egocentric and will be more likely to talk about the things they love.

2. Lose the questions:

Parents spend a lot of time innocently asking kids questions. Queries like:

“What did you do today, what did you learn, did your friends like your new sweater?”

and

“Do you have any homework? How was gym today, did you get a turn to bat? Did you have outdoor or indoor recess?”

These questions seem benign and politely conversational, but children find them to be intrusive and bothersome. Children want the liberty to talk when they feel like talking. That is why children generally respond to these questions with one word answers or a shrug of their shoulders. This can annoy us parents to no end, especially since we think we are being so nice and friendly.

To really relate to our kids and help them start talking we need to avoid the questions and instead say:

“Welcome home, I am glad to see you!”

3. Silence is golden:

There are a lot of quiet, and shy kids out there who just don’t love to talk. If you have a quiet kid, don’t force them to chat with you. American culture values people who are talkative and outgoing and these kids do not get a lot of appreciation. Make sure to cherish them for who they are and remember that “Still waters run deep”. Instead of talking make sure to give them lots of hugs and kisses. Let them know that they are loved for whatever personality they have.

Understanding how kids connect with others, avoiding questions, and appreciating your kids for who they are will go along way in building a positive relationship with your introverted child, even if he won’t talk.

Adina Soclof, MS. CCC-SLP, works as a Parent Educator for Bellefaire Jewish Children’s Bureau facilitating How to Talk so Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids will Talk workshops as well as workshops based on Siblings Without Rivalry. Adina also runs parentingsimply.com. 

Please note: Eileen Goltz is a freelance kosher food writer. The Orthodox Union makes no endorsements or representations regarding kashrut certification of various products/vendors referred to in her articles, blog or web site.

When I was pregnant the only real craving I had was for peanut butter. I had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch every day for over 4 months as well as peanut noodles 2 or 3 times a week. Peanut butter cups showed up on the menu at least 2 times a week and the fact that I didn’t gain an additional 30 pounds is nothing short of a miracle. For some, the cravings disappear as soon as the baby is born. For me, well, let’s just say that my love affair with peanut butter is still going strong.

Peanut butter is truly one of America’s favorite foods. There are even websites like peanutbutterlovers.com devoted solely to the joys and deliciousness of the sticky gooey goodness. You’ll find the ubiquitous smooth and crunchy spread in about 75% of American homes. It’s nutritious, inexpensive and the kind of ingredient that makes the transition from sweet to savory very easily.

Because of allergies any form of peanut and/or peanut butter is not an option for some people. If it’s a specific peanut allergy try making “butters” out of different kinds of nuts like Almond, Hazelnut, Cashew, Macadamia, Pecan or Pistachio.  You just place the nut of choice in a food processor blender and process until they form a smooth paste. You can purchase different types of nut butters at the grocery store and specialty shops but for the freshest and most amazing taste, make your own.

If it’s a “can’t eat any kind of nut” allergy I’m going to suggest that you try a spread like SunButter (made from sunflower seeds) which is available online and can be substituted in place of peanut butter in almost any recipe.

The following recipes are all nut butter centric and are guaranteed to make even the savviest gourmet swoon.

You can substitute different nut buttersin any or the following recipes:

CRUNCHY PEANUT BROCCOLI (pareve)

1/4 cup creamy or crunchy peanut butter

2 tablespoons hot water

1 tablespoon soy sauce

1 tablespoon lime juice

1 1/2 teaspoons sesame oil

1/4 teaspoon red pepper flakes

2 tablespoons oil

3 cups fresh broccoli florets

1/2 cup chopped red bell pepper

1/4 cup sliced green onions

1 tablespoon minced garlic

1/2 cup chopped peanuts (optional)

In a large serving bowl combine the peanut butter, hot water, lime juice, soy sauce, sesame oil and red pepper flakes. Whisk to blend and set aside. In a skillet heat the 2 tablespoons of oil and add the broccoli, red pepper, green onions and garlic. Cook, stirring for 4 to 5 minutes, just until the vegetables are starting to cook but are still crisp.  Spoon the vegetables into the serving bowl with the sauce and mix to coat. Sprinkle the chopped peanuts on top. Serve warm or at room temperature. Serves 6

My file source unknown

ALMOND BUTTER PANCAKES (dairy or pareve)

11/4 cups flour

2 tablespoons sugar

2 1/2 teaspoons baking powder

1/2 teaspoon salt

1 1/4 cups milk (or non dairy substitute)

1 egg

1/4 cup almond butter

3 tablespoons butter or margarine, melted

In a bowl combine the flour, sugar, baking powder and salt. In another bowl combine the milk with egg and almond butter and whisk until smooth. Add the liquid mixture to the dry ingredients and beat just until combined. Lightly grease a hot griddle. Spoon approx. 1/4 cup of the batter onto griddle. Cook for 2 to 3 minutes on each side until golden brown on each side. Serves 4.

CHOCOLATE MAPLE ALMOND CUP (dairy or pareve)

1lb bag semi-sweet or dark chocolate chips

1/2 to 3/4 cup almond butter

1 tablespoon maple syrup

1 teaspoon ground cinnamon

Sea salt

1/4 cup chopped almonds

Place paper liners in a muffin pan and set it aside.  In a microwave bowl melt the chocolate until it’s smooth. Spoon approx 1 1/2 tablespoons of the melted chocolate into the bottom of each liner.  Spoon 3/4 to 1 tablespoon of the almond butter on top of the chocolate in the cup. Top with approx 1 to 1 1/2 tablespoons of melted chocolate and then sprinkle the top with a pinch of the sea salt. Refrigerate until the chocolate is set.  You can refrigerate up to 2 weeks and freeze up to a month. Makes 12

GREEN BEANS IN MAPLE PECAN BUTTER (pareve)

2 1/2 pounds French green beans, trimmed

4 tablespoons plus 1 teaspoon oil

1/2 cup (2 ounces) pecan halves

1 cup (2 sticks) unsalted butter or margarine, at room temperature

1/4 cup (2 ounces) maple syrup

2 teaspoons kosher salt

1 tablespoon freshly ground black pepper

Cook beans in large pot of boiling salted water, uncovered, until crisp-tender, 3 to 4 minutes. Using large slotted spoon, transfer beans to colander set in bowl of ice and cold water to stop cooking, and then drain well. Return water to boil and repeat with remaining beans.

In small heavy skillet over moderate heat, heat 1 teaspoon oil until hot but not smoking. Add pecans and toast, stirring constantly, until light brown and fragrant, about 3 to 4 minutes. Remove from heat and set aside.

In electric mixer fitted with paddle attachment, whip butter until smooth, about 1 to 2 minutes. Add maple syrup and pecans, stirring by hand to incorporate. Set aside.

In 10-inch skillet over moderately high heat, heat 2 tablespoons canola oil until hot but not smoking. Add half green beans and sauté until hot, about 3 to 5 minutes. Transfer to large bowl and repeat with remaining beans and oil. Add maple-pecan butter and toss to combine. Sprinkle with salt and pepper and serve immediately.

Modified from Epicurious.com

COCOA ALMOND BUTTER TRUFFLES (pareve)

1 cup rolled oats

1 cup finely chopped pitted dates

1/4 cup unsweetened cocoa powder, divided

1/2 cup almond butter

2 teaspoons pure vanilla extract

Pinch ground nutmeg

Pinch ground cinnamon

Place oats in the bowl of a food processor and process until finely ground. Add dates, 2 tablespoons cocoa powder, almond butter, vanilla, nutmeg and cinnamon and process until finely ground and sticking together. Place remaining cocoa powder in a shallow bowl. Roll truffle mixture into balls about 2 teaspoons each, pressing firmly for mixture to stick together. Roll truffles in cocoa powder and chill until ready to serve.

Submitted by Roger Monsen Newark NJ Modified from wholefoods.com

© Eileen Goltz nut butter 13a

Dear That’s Life,

For better or for worse, I do not often make it home in time to do homework with my children. That being said, my children know that no matter what, if they need help with their math homework, I am not the parent to call. I was therefore a little curious when my older son (elementary school age) walked over to me with his math workbook one night. He’d been working on a word problem requiring him to calculate tax on a toy that a fictional character was purchasing. He showed me the problem and explained that the question didn’t make sense. When I asked why, he simply said, “they didn’t include shipping.”

After looking at his work, I realized he had included the United States Postal Service’s flat rate for sending a package across the country (thank you, Google). While we do not make many purchases on-line, my son’s additional work showed initiative on his part and served as another eye opening experience to a mom raising kids in an ever-changing world. He assumed the purchase would be made in a virtual world – going to a store was a thing of the past.

Therein lies the heart of an ongoing parental struggle: raising children in a fast paced world. This is not the world in which I grew up, nor does it even remotely resemble it on some days. As I watch TV on my iPhone, I remember the black-and-white television my parents had in their bedroom. I think back to the hours I spent researching articles using microfiche, while it is rare for my children to flip an actual page when they look something up. And as I help my daughter study for her New York State Living Environment Regent Exam, I realize we are worlds away from the Punnett Square I studied when I was her age, as she correctly answers question about cloning (?!) – something she thinks she could do successfully if I would just buy her a sheep.

Technology is as much a part of the modern child’s daily vernacular as is English. And while the comfort level I have with my iPhone is similar to a recent immigrant who begins an ESL course, I also know I have no choice but to learn. If I don’t jump on the technology bandwagon, the train will pass me by. My kids are already on board, so the question remains: if I don’t get on, do I become irrelevant?

A familial environment must be created in which there is a free exchange of ideas, information and questions. Without one, I cannot advise my children as they weather life’s challenges. It is in those everyday experiences where the values and morals we have imparted will be tested. While I have confidence that they will make the right choices and know right from wrong, there is also no such thing as an “auto-pilot” child. Everyone needs guidance in order to properly navigate life. That’s where parents come in – as long as they have “boarded” the technology train.

Before going to school or camp or a play date, I have one classic tagline: “Don’t forget your midot.” At this point, if I get an “I won’t” or an annoyed “I know…” as a response, I am thrilled. Most of the time, all I hear is, “yup” before the door slams. It is their way of saying they know what I mean, they know what I expect, and they don’t need me anymore. To me, any response is good enough. I cannot keep them home forever, nor do I want to. But even when they are outside of my home, they should remember how they have been raised.

The other day, I kissed my preschooler on her head before I hurried to catch the train. “Don’t forget your midot,” I reminded her. And while she has heard it before, and I have said it even more times than that, I got a response that stopped me in my tracks.

“Where ARE my midot, Mommy?” she asked. “I want to put them at the door with my bag so I don’t forget them.

I smiled. Back to basics, I thought. Maybe somebody still needs me after all.

MLW

Miriam L. Wallach, M.S. ed, M.A. is the General Manager of The Nachum Segal Network. She began her career with The Network three years ago as a host and producer before moving on to her current position. Miriam is also a frequent contributor on FOX Business and writes the blog “Dear That’s Life,” named for her successful column. She was a successful middle school Language Arts teacher for fifteen years, having been included in Who’s Who in America’s Teachers three years in a row. She and her husband are the proud parents of six children and live in Woodmere, N.Y.

This article originally appeared on jewinthecity.com.

The other day, upon returning from a trip to the supermarket, groceries in tow (or rather in hand), I realized that I had left my keys at home. But just then, wouldn’t you know, one of our neighbors walked through the lobby at the exact right moment to catch my flailing arms in his peripheral vision. “Hashgacha prutis” (Divine Providence) I thought to myself as he opened the door. But then I laughed to myself because, you see, if my neighbor hadn’t been there, and I was locked outside, stuck for hours, rained on, poured on, I still would have said that it was “hashgacha prutis”!

I know I have it both ways, and I’m OK with that. I believe that all aspects of life - no matter how challenging or incomprehensible they are - come from a Higher place. But can she prove it, you may wonder? No, she can’t, and she’s OK with that too. A rabbi of mine once said that in Judaism, we don’t believe in “blind faith.” For us, emunah is better translated as conviction. It’s related to the word “emet,” which means “truth,” but there’s a slight difference between the two words.

Both begin with the letter “aleph,” which is the first letter of the Hebrew alphabet. “Mem,” the middle letter of the alphabet, comes next in both words. But “emet” ends with the final letter of the alphabet (“taf“) because when we have truth we know the beginning, middle, and end. Emunah, on the other hand, in its root form “amen” ends with another middle letter,“nun” (in the 26 character Hebrew alphabet there are two of them). That’s because when it comes to emunah we get most of the story, but not all of it. Emunah gives us a foundation to believe, but the last step we must choose to make (or not make).

If reason and discernment are necessary in guiding our emunah, what pushes me towards belief (and trust) in God? When I look at the complexity of nature and cosmology; when I see certain events in my life fitting together in a perfect harmony; when I witness an exceptional act of kindness by another human being, I detect Godliness in it all.

What compels me to believe in the Divinity of the Torah? When I look at the illogical history of the Jewish people and the odds we’ve overcome, including the modern day wars in Israel; when I see that no other religion claims to have experienced national revelation but us; when I delve into the Torah and find myself moved by its complexity and depth like nothing else I’ve ever studied; when I see how observant Jews who truly embody Torah values are like no other people I’ve ever met, something tells me that this book we have is like no other.

But since I won’t know if these convictions are true until the day I die, I have a decision to make in the meantime, and the Torah has a pretty strong view about what I should do. At the end of the Torah, in sefer Devarim (the book of Deuteronomy) God tells the Jewish people: “I have placed life and death before you, blessing and curse – choose life, so that you will live.” Although the simple understanding of this verse is that “life” and “blessing” are Torah and mitzvos, while death and curse are a result of straying from them, the only way a person can be guaranteed life and blessing is through emunah.

That’s because according to Jewish thought, blessing is much more a state of mind than it is a state of being. In Pirkei Avos (Ethics of the Fathers), when our sages ask “who is rich?” – i.e. “who’s the one who’s been blessed with wealth?” - the answer is not the guy who won the lottery or landed the great paying job. It’s the guy who’s happy with his portion, no matter how much, or how little of it, there is. Why is he happy with his portion? Because he has trust and emunah that he’s been given exactly what he needs, even if it isn’t necessarily what he wants. So the Torah is telling us to choose emunah if we want blessing and (eternal) life, but since we said earlier that emunah itself is ultimately a choice, what we’re essentially being told is to “choose positivity.”

I think that people are largely broken up into two groups: those who are positive and hope that the craziness in the world ultimately makes sense as Something Greater has a plan and a purpose for it all, and those who are cynical and believe that the universe is nothing more than a bunch of random, haphazard (and often cruel) events leading up to nothing but death with complete finality. (Now just to clarify, I’m not talking simply about those who believe in God verses those who deny God’s existence, since not all people who believe in God trust in God. Likewise, there are many people who call themselves “athiests,” yet they detect a harmony of the Universe. I would argue that the “athiests” who believe in a Unified Force have a more in common with the Jewish concept of God than the “believers” who view God as a Being who’s disconnected from the world.)

What differentiates the one who hopes from the one who scoffs? Life experience, in large part. The more a child is raised with faith and trust in God, the more he’s made to feel secure and nurtured by his parents, the more likely he’ll grow up with a positive view of the world and a trust in a God who’s running it. But even upbringings filled with hope and trust can be trampled on by an unfortunate turn of events – a tragedy, a loss, some sort of abuse. If the abuse comes from someone (or some institution) that claims to be religious, the effects can be especially devastating for one’s emunah. (I can’t tell you how saddened I am by the number of negative blogs that are out there written by formerly Orthodox Jews who were in some way mistreated, pressured, or flat out abused by a “religious” person or institution.)

So what if you weren’t raised with positivity and trust in God, or worse, once had emunah that was violated by a bad person(s)? Well, there is always an opportunity to choose emunah and strive towards achieving it despite the setbacks you’ve faced. Emunah is not something that can (or should) be faked, but it is something that can be honed.

The first step towards working on emunah is strengthening the rational foundation of your belief. This can be done through Torah study and learning about Jewish history and archeology. The rational component is not enough, though. A choice must also be made to reach out to the Almighty through prayer (“Hey, God, not sure if You’re out there, but if You are, I’d like to connect with You.”); through mitzvah observance which, according to Jewish thought, is meant to be a vehicle for creating a relationship between man and God; and finally, through looking for the Hand of God in everyday life.

The cynic will think, ”how foolish is the pious man who believes in and serves a God he cannot prove exists,” but I don’t think it’s foolish at all. Neither of us will know the final outcome in our lifetimes, but I’d rather spend mine choosing positivity, hope, and purposefulness over despair, negativity, and randomness.

What will you choose?

Allison Josephs is the founder and director of JewintheCity.com which breaks down stereotypes about Orthodox Jews and offers and humorous, meaningful look into Orthodox Judaism through the power of new media.

Savitsky talks with registered dietician and Jewish Action writer, Shira Isenberg. Shira goes over healthy food alternatives to everyday meal staples.

Savitsky Talks is a weekly 20 minute audio program with interviews and discussions that probe and explore contemporary Jewish life. Steve Savitsky’s unusually direct and objective approach make this program a refreshing take on the Jewish community’s often challenging role in the world.

Rabbi Yechezkel Levenstein, the revered mashgiach and Ba’al Mussar was once riding in a cab and the Israeli driver related the following story:

“Rebbi, when my friends and I completed our army service, we decided to go on a world tour. We found ourselves in the jungles of Africa one night when all of a sudden one of my friends woke up screaming. a boa constrictor wrapped around his neck.  We tried as much as we could to pull the snake off, but with no success. He was turning blue; close to death.  We didn’t know what to do.  At that point, one of us shouted to him, ‘Yigal, you’re going to die, at least say Shema.’  Yigal started saying Shema.  As soon as he finished the first passuk, the snake released himself and slithered away.”

The cab driver continued, “Rebbi, do you know that as a result of that incident my friend Yigal became a baal teshuva! Today, he is frum with a beautiful religious family. They keep kosher, his wife covers her hair and his kids all go to cheder.”

Rav Levenstein responded, “That’s amazing.” He paused for a minute and then suddenly asked, “and what about you?”

“Me?  Oh no,” said the cab driver, glancing away from the road. “It didn’t happen to me.  It happened to him.”

A man has a life-threatening experience.  He prays, and the situation resolves.  He is safe.  To his credit, his life and behavior is changed dramatically going forward.  But those who witnessed the event?  Those who saw the miracle?  They acknowledge the wisdom of their friend becoming baal teshuva but what lesson do they take from the incident?  What do they incorporate into their own lives?

Nothing.

A life-altering event is reduced to little more than a story a taxi driver tells to pass the time when he has an observant passenger.

Must we always be deaf to the truths that we speak?  Must we always be blocked in our ability to translate earned wisdom into appropriate behavior?

How many times have I heard someone say, “Do as I say, not as I do”? as though the insights and intelligence of our words can truly teach someone else if they have not taught us!

* * *

It has always been thus.  It is telling that even after witnessing the miracles that freed them from Egypt, B’nai Yisrael quickly began to complain in the desert.  It was not long after the Children of Israel had complained yet again about their desert “menu” that God sent snakes and serpents that bit and killed “multitudes from among them.

What was this horror!

The Israelites hurried to Moshe to mercifully plead for their lives.  Despite no doubt knowing their nature only too well, Moshe once again prayed on their behalf.  In response to his prayer, God gave him the following instruction, “Make yourself a fiery serpent and place it on a pole and it will be that anyone who is bitten will look at it and live.” (21:8)

This was indeed a curious response.  What is one to make of God’s instruction?

The Mishna in Rosh Hashana asks, “But does a serpent kill or restore life? What is the meaning of looking at the serpent?”

A simple reading of God’s command could almost be misinterpreted as a suggestion of idolatry.  “Rather,” the Mishna responds, “when Israel gazed upward and subjugated their heart  to their Father in Heaven, they were healed, but if not they perished.”

This explanation makes clear that it was not gazing upon the copper snake itself that provided some kind of medical antidote for anyone who had been bitten by the snake or serpent.  Rather, it effectuated a spiritual repentance, reflection and introspection, “a subjugation of the heart.”

The Maharal teaches that looking at the copper snake high upon the pole accomplished two goals.  One, it caused the person to look heavenward, ensuring his realization that he was totally dependent only on God. Two, by viewing a representation of that which caused him harm and pain, his prayers would be more intense and focused.

In his teaching, Maharal is conveying an important lesson in prayer.  When engaged in tefila, one must feel and clearly visualize that for which he is seeking God’s intervention.   It is not enough to say the words.  He must feel the experience.

Rav Samson Raphael Hirsch goes further than the Maharal.  In referring to God’s command, he argues that the point was not to look beyond the snake and into the heavens but rather, to look directly at the snake and by doing so, fully understand the wildness of the snake and the environment he found himself in.  By looking directly at the snake, he would understand exactly the dangers of the Midbar years and, “Who leads you through the great and awesome wilderness – of snake, fiery serpent and scorpion.”  (Devarim 8:15)

In other words, Don’t you get it?!  You are in the midst of constant danger and challenge.  If not for God’s benevolence and protection, the scorpion and snake would have the upper hand.

The generation of yotzei mitzrayim, whose voices were raised in a constant refrain litany of complaints, needed to look at the high Nes – not “pole or banner”, but Nes meaning miracle.  God is saying to the Children of Israel, “Look at the miracle that surrounds you every minute of your long sojourn in the dessert!”

The serpent cannot kill or restore life.  That is for God.  Do not be distracted by the telling of the story.  See what is essential in the experience.  The cure and protection from the snake is a nes, miracle.  It is God.

Our cabdriver would do well to see beyond the boa constrictor around his friend’s neck to realize we are all in the midbar unless we look beyond the danger to see God’s protection.

Rabbi Dr. Eliyahu Safran serves as OU Kosher’s vice president of communications and marketing

The long term benefits of bypass surgery or using sleeve gastrectomy has recently come into question. Last week a comprehensive study on bariatric surgeries suggested that although the short term benefits, particularly for diabetics, were clear, what happens down the road wasn’t as certain.  The biggest find of the study seems to be that weight regain seems to happen more often than we first thought.

We all just need to acknowledge that there is no real shortcut to good health.

Let’s face it; making sure to maintain a healthy lifestyle is always going to be work.  It might be more difficult at the beginning to radically change habits and behaviors but after a few weeks of being in a routine the “work” of keeping up a healthy lifestyle becomes easier. The goal should be that once you start a routine you make sure to stick with it. Unfortunately, we live in the generation of “easy” and “shortcuts”.  We are always asking ourselves, “What is the easiest and fastest way to get things done?” and “Isn’t there a pill for this”?  But the truth of the matter is that there are no shortcuts or easy ways to good health.

The benefits of eating properly and exercising far outweighs the cost. Obesity and a sedentary lifestyle are conditions that are responsible for the enormous financial burden that comes with chronic disease, impaired physical function and an overall worse quality of life. At least 300,000 premature deaths and at least $90 billion direct health care costs annually in the United States alone could be avoided with better lifestyle choices. Couple all this with the rising premiums for solid, comprehensive health insurance and it becomes obvious that it pays to work out and be healthy. In addition, all of the drugs associated with illness due to poor health have pronounced side effects such as fatigue, lethargy, dizziness, nausea, muscle aches and pains, and impotence. Keeping all of this in mind can help you conquer the desires to be lazy.

Vigilance is required in order to maintain a healthy lifestyle.  If you are losing weight, weigh yourself several times a week to track your progress.  If you are trying to conquer diabetes and reduce or eliminate your diabetes medications or insulin, monitor your blood sugar levels often.  Also, make sure to have you blood pressure checked regularly.

Having been a personal fitness trainer for almost 18 years, and director of the Lose It! weight loss center for the last 4 years, I have experienced the nachas of watching people lose substantial weight, conquer medical issues such as diabetes, high blood pressure and high cholesterol, and I have watched people truly change their lives for better in the areas of both physical and mental health.  Of those people, many have made the changes permanent, others have held on to some of those changes, and there are also those who unfortunately backslide.  What is the difference between someone who can hold on to all or most of their improvements, as opposed to those who can’t?

M was a woman in her 30’s who was obese and beginning to have multiple medical issues.  She came to us, did the program, lost more than 35 kilos, but then experienced an emotional upheaval in her life.  Unfortunately, she couldn’t make her health the priority it needed to be and regained most of her weigh.  She could not make the proper cost-benefit analysis and has let it all slip away. Then there is Z, a woman over 45 years old who has lost 40 kilo in our program.  She has never felt better in her adult life, she exercises every day for at least an hour, sees a personal trainer 2 or 3 times a week and is no longer a diabetic.  Her efforts in the gym and restraint at mealtime have gotten her off insulin and all other drugs.  She has never been happier and she is still determined to lose another 14-15 kilo.  She has succeeded in changing her life.

Short term successes are difficult enough to achieve, but long term successes are the real challenge.  It takes a constant awareness, work and never letting down your guard. There is nothing wrong with taking off a few days of exercise when it is planned or building a few treats into a food program, as long as you know how to get back on track.  Planning is vital to long term compliance.  Getting back on track when you go off is truly the secret to long-term accomplishments.

Staying vigilant will help you achieve and maintain successes which will “add hours to your day, days to your year, and years to your life.”  

Alan Freishtat is an A.C.E. CERTIFIED PERSONAL TRAINER and a LIFESTYLE FITNESS COACH with over 17 years of professional experience. He is the co-director of the Jerusalem-based weight loss and stress reduction center Lose It! along with Linda Holtz M.Sc. and is available for private consultations, assessments and personalized workout programs. Alan also lectures and gives seminars and workshops. He can be reached at 02-651-8502 or 050-555-7175, or by email at alan@loseit.co.il   Check out the Lose It! web site – www.loseit.co.il    US Line: 516-568-5027

Savitsky talks with Rabbi Yamin Levy, author of Confronting the Loss of a Baby: A Personal and Jewish Perspective. 

Savitsky Talks is a weekly 20 minute audio program with interviews and discussions that probe and explore contemporary Jewish life. Steve Savitsky’s unusually direct and objective approach make this program a refreshing take on the Jewish community’s often challenging role in the world.

Confronting the Loss of a Baby is published by the OU Press and available for purchase.

Dear That’s Life,

It’s fair to say I’m often unable to correctly spell or even define the winning word in the Scripps National Spelling Bee. But this year, when a 13- year old boy of Indian descent from Queens, NY correctly spelled ‘knaidel’ and with that won the national championship, I got it right. Arguments have ensued everywhere, including in The New York Times, as to whether the word should be spelled ‘knaidel’, ‘kneidel,’ or ‘kneidyl.’ Regardless, it has become a source of pride for Jews everywhere.

Making breakfast for my children the next morning, I made sure to tell them the news. Responses ranged from smiles to jokes about why the winning word was not something like ‘rugelach.’ At first they didn’t understand that knaidel is the singular form of knaidlach, a word with which they are familiar, but they quickly appreciated that, if nothing else, ‘knaidel’ as the final word in a nationally televised contest was nothing short of cool. After a few more jokes about words ending in ‘ach’ that my family does not appreciate when I use (see: bletlach), my middle-schooler stopped and said, “Is [knaidel] even a real word?” And of course, the answer was ‘yes.’

New Yorkers of all stripes can be often be heard integrating Yiddish into daily life. A few years ago, I laughed when a reporter on the radio referred to a back up on the Long Island Expressway as meshugah. Beyond that, words like oy, nudge, bubkis, chutzpah and fahrkelmpt – not to mention examples that cannot be included here – have all been heard on broadcasts ranging from NBC’s Saturday Night Live to the evening news. However, the popularity of Yiddish in American life is not really significant for the correct spelling of a particular transliterated word. Rather, it’s about what its integration may tell us about our lives in the first place.

In “Some Say the Spelling of a Winning Word Just Wasn’t Kosher” on page one of The New York Times, Joseph Berger wrote, “If nothing else, the dispute is a window into the cultural stews that languages like Yiddish, not to mention English, become as people migrate and assimilate.” That was like a light bulb over my head. Berger got it exactly right: ‘knaidel’ as a dictionary entry and as the winning word in the spelling bee reflects just how normal and accepted Jews have become in American society.

Remember the Seinfeld episode that explored the unappreciated greatness of cinnamon bobka vs. its more popular sibling, the chocolate bobka? Suffice it to say, I am confident that this episode in the 1990s was lost on millions of viewers in the Midwest (“Bob, who?”), let alone Seinfeld’s subsequent ode to the marble rye.  The bobka debate in primetime on a hit show reflected a certain normalcy, with Jewish life as part of the great American melting pot. I am not sure how many Italian-Americans get excited when a character on TV eats lasagna. I can tell you, though, that when fictional Deputy White House Chief of Staff Joshua Lyman (Bradley Whitford) on ‘The West Wing’ picked Yeshiva University over the Dallas Cowboys in the weekly office pool, Jews everywhere cheered.

Okay, I know what you’re thinking: There are plenty of Larry Davids and Woody Allens in Hollywood. One liners or moments such as these should be more than expected based on the writers’ heritage. That isn’t the point though. The point is that these references are so commonplace precisely because writers and producers recognize that Jewish-isms and Yiddish-isms have earned substantive and secured places in society. Because Jewish culture is so deeply integrated into American culture, these references are appreciated by a greater audience.

Consider Jack Lew, Eric Cantor, Chuck Schumer and Joseph Lieberman: four high ranking American politicians whose Jewish identities are well known and have been involved in politics for years. But then, along comes a cute, young teenager from Chicago who wows everyone as he sings and plays piano on national television on “America’s Got Talent.”  Edon Pinchot made it to the semi-finals of this major competition and wore his kippah throughout the process.  In this day and age of entitled teens, we were proud of this young man whose menschlechkeit was nothing short of impressive and remains so, and for good reason.

Many remarked at the kiddush Hashem Edon created through his demeanor and by literally wearing his faith on his head for all the world to see. He well represented Jews around the world, but I wondered if anyone else honestly cared. Irish Catholics in Boston could not have been as excited as we were to see Edon’s kippah as he performed and honestly may not have even noticed it at all. As I thought about it further, I was finally able to ask myself the following question: What does it mean if a Jew wearing a kippah on TV, in a business meeting, in an ER or while screening bags at the airport isn’t that big of a deal anymore to anyone who isn’t Jewish?

The proper spelling of knaidel, with an ‘e’ or an ‘a’ or a ‘y’, continued to make headlines as this column was being written. The mere inclusion of knaidel in the spelling bee should spark a much greater discussion for us as a people. Historically, the Jewish community has tried to stay somewhat apart in order to maintain our identity and preserve our heritage yet weirdly we desire acceptance by others.

So now that it looks like we’ve “made it,” are we happy?

MLW

Miriam L. Wallach, M.S. ed, M.A. is the General Manager of The Nachum Segal Network. She began her career with The Network three years ago as a host and producer before moving on to her current position. Miriam is also a frequent contributor on FOX Business and writes the blog “Dear That’s Life,” named for her successful column. She was a successful middle school Language Arts teacher for fifteen years, having been included in Who’s Who in America’s Teachers three years in a row. She and her husband are the proud parents of six children and live in Woodmere, N.Y.

A visitor to Sodom seeking to purchase food would be told by the merchants, “keep your money (what’s yours is yours) and I will keep my food (and what is mine is mine)”…

In a complex and difficult world, most people simply want to “tend to their own gardens” – to be left to take care of what is theirs while leaving others to take care of what is theirs.  And what could be wrong with that?  What is wrong with a laissez- faire attitude, one that establishes fair boundaries between me and my fellow?  One which says simply, “you stay on your side of the fence and I’ll stay on mine”?

The logic strikes us as sound.  What could be wrong with such an attitude?

In Pirke Avot, we learn that there are four types of people.  Those who say, “What is mine is mine and what is yours is yours.”  This is the common or average person.  There are those who say, “What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.”  Such people are ignorant.  Then there are those who say, “What is mine is yours and what is yours is your own.”  Such people are saintly.    Finally, there are those who say, “What is yours is mine, and what is mine is mine.”  Such people are wicked.

Reviewing these four types of people, most readers would associate the last, the wicked posture, with the people of Sodom.  After all, was there ever a place more synonymous with evil and wickedness than Sodom and Gomorrah?  Yet, it is not the fourth type of person the rabbis associate with Sodom, but rather the first, the one who says, “What is mine is mine, and what is yours is yours.”

The common man.

Rashi describes this common man as saying, “I don’t want others to derive any pleasure from me, nor do I want to derive any pleasure from them.”  His commonness is that he shares nothing with the evil man, who wants only to take and nothing with the pious man, whose goal is always to benefit others.  The common man is neither fleishig nor milchig.  He is pareve.  He is white bread.  Plain.  Uninspired and uninspiring. Not one to praise, but not one to condemn either.

The question is, Is he really pareve?  Can we really say that, while he has no particular value, he is not bad?

The truth is he is selfish, just like the Sodomites.  All they cared about was their own needs.  They refused to be concerned with the needs of anyone else.  Bear in mind, there would have been minimal sacrifice for the Sodomites to help others.  They were not lacking in any way.

The Talmud teaches that the “live and let live” attitude in which each man looks out only for his own interests is both unethical and immoral.   It undermines the fundamental social contract.  It directly contradicts what Rabbi Akiva identified as the greatest of all Torah principles, Love your neighbor as yourself.

What is missing from the common man’s view of live and let live is “we” and “our.”  Some sense that we have a responsibility one for another.  Judaism abounds with stories of individuals who shared whatever meager things they had to share.  But these are the pious ones.  There are those, like the Sodomites, who can afford to be kind and generous and are not.

The Sodomites did not want to share what was “theirs” with anyone else.  They would not lend a hand to the tired, the homeless, immigrants, and the “poor souls” who could not support themselves.

Common?  Or cruel?

Our sages believed the selfishness and cruelty is founded on the attitude that, “What’s mine is mine, and what’s yours is yours.”

When Reb Levi Yitzchok of Berditschev assumed his rabbinical post he asked to only be invited to communal meetings when a discussion of new policies or regulations were to be discussed.  Not long after, a meeting was called to deliberate a new policy that did not allow for beggars to collect door to door in the town but only to stand outside the shul, where each individual would be able to decide if he wanted to contribute.

Reb Levi grew upset after being invited to this meeting. “Why did you invite me to this meeting?” he asked of the elders.

“Because we are to discuss a new regulation, and the Rav’s input is needed,” they responded.

Reb Levi Yitzchak scoffed at them and sharply responded, “This is not a new idea. The idea of limiting opportunities for the poor and not wanting to help others originated in Sodom.”

It is not pareve.  It is selfishness that leads us to build a fence around ourselves and our neighbors.

Rabbi Dr. Eliyahu Safran serves as OU Kosher’s vice president of communications and marketing.

This week is Parshat Korach, so we know that rebelling against authority is an old story.  But it still can be tough when we are dealing with our own teens and their less than appropriate behavior.

Certain questions are more difficult to address than others when dealing with our children. Questions like:

My 16 year old daughter drove home with 3 other friends in her car. That is illegal in my state. How do I punish her?

My son is hanging out with kids I don’t like. What is the best punishment for that behavior?

I found liquor in my son’s room. Will punishing him get him to stop?

Dealing with teens is tough and dealing with their behavior is tougher. Punishment and grounding teenagers is a popular method with parents but it doesn’t teach our kids much. Punishment only makes kids lie more and devise sneakier ways to do what they want to do.

To help kids really learn to act appropriately we need to reach their conscience and give them the skills that need to cope with their challenges of high school, peer pressure, drinking and even drugs.

When dealing with teenagers it is critical to keep the lines of communication open. All our efforts should be directed to this goal.
 You need to make sure to have the tough conversations when you are calm. To do this you need to use neutral and non-accusatory language. Then you want to move the conversation to coming up with solutions.

Start with the positive:

You have been very responsible with the car in the past…

You friends are likeable and fun…

I have seen you make good decisions about alcohol…

State the problem neutrally:

It is illegal to drive with 3 friends in your car…

I am concerned about the way they are roaming the neighborhood…

I found this bottle of liquor in your room…

Listen to their side of the story without interruptions:

“My friends asked me and they made me feel bad when I said no. They said it is just for a couple of blocks…”

“My friends are great- they are a lot of fun…”

“What is the big deal, all my friends drink…”

Empathize and then state your expectations in a neutral manner:

“I see that it was hard for you to say no to your friends however, I am concerned about your driving illegally.”

“Your friends really appeal to you sense of fun. I am concerned how they act in the neighborhood.”

“You feel that if all your friends are doing it then it is fine. Underage drinking is unacceptable to us.”

Invite your teens to brainstorm and come up with solutions:

“Being a teen, you have a different perspective. We need your input on how to handle this situation appropriately.”

What can you say to your friends so you are not driving illegally again?

“Is there some way for you to disengage from your friends when they are acting inappropriately, when it is not all fun…”

“We need to know that you will not drink again. What ideas do you have to help you do the right thing?”

To open up more conversations about teen life, you can ask:

·      “We feel it is important that you know how to withstand peer pressure if you are going to be with teens who are doing drugs or drinking. What kind of strategies do you have to do that?”

·      What do other kids do when their friends drink?”

·      “What do you think the biggest struggles teens have these days?”

Parenting a teen can be scary. We need to avoid punishing our kids and teach our kids to think for themselves and invite them to come up with solutions to the very tough problems they have as adolescents.

Adina Soclof, MS. CCC-SLP, works as a Parent Educator for Bellefaire Jewish Children’s Bureau facilitating How to Talk so Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids will Talk workshops as well as workshops based on Siblings Without Rivalry. Adina also runs parentingsimply.com. 

By

Yagil Henkin

Most people forget that David Ben-Gurion’s most significant accomplishment, even more important than the declaration of the State of Israel, were his efforts to ensure its survival.

Has the Old Man Lost His Mind?

As soon as he was assigned the defense portfolio at the Jewish Agency (later to become Israel’s provisional government) in 1947, Ben-Gurion organized his own crash course to bring himself up to date. For several weeks, he met with representatives of each branch of the defense establishment and studied the organizational structure of the security forces – the Hagana. He checked out its equipment, commanders, and strategy, the kinds of threats it was prepared to repel, as well as the strength and capabilities of the Arab enemy forces. His conclusions were radical – as was his reaction. He replaced several of the Hagana’s leading figures and, more important, created a significant shift in its thinking. Hagana activists were still gearing up to fight yesterday’s war – an intensified replay of the civil unrest and riots of the Arab Revolt a decade earlier. Ben-Gurion demanded that his troops be prepared to face organized, fully equipped military forces – the armies of the neighboring Arab states, including the Arab Legion stationed in Transjordan – rather than the local rabble and volunteer units his commanders expected. Hearing Ben-Gurion’s insistence on a real army, complete with tanks, planes, cannons, and battleships, many of his colleagues declared the old man out of his mind.

But Ben-Gurion’s success in shifting attention to the impending military threat proved critical. As a result of his vision, tremendous energies were diverted to acquire planes, tanks, and cannons during the months preceding the declaration of the State of Israel – most of which arrived in the course of the War of Independence. It is appalling to imagine the fate of the Jewish community had its security forces fought that war equipped solely with the two tanks (only one of which worked) and the single fighter plane they’d had when the state was declared. The Arabs had dozens of tanks and aircraft at their disposal, and no lack of ammunition. Thanks to Ben-Gurion’s ongoing efforts, fighter planes and weapons were purchased from Czechoslovakia in 1947–1948, volunteers were recruited from Jewish communities worldwide as of January 1948, and ships loaded with firearms and ammunition sailed from Europe and the United States. Without the resulting shift in the balance of power, giving the IDF an advantage over the Arab forces on nearly all fronts by early 1949, it is doubtful whether the State could have been established at all, let alone been able to defend itself.

A United Army

Ben-Gurion’s military strategy in the War of Independence has generated extensive discussion, eliciting effusive praise from some quarters and the harshest criticism from others. His insistence on forcing a route to Jerusalem resulted in the tragic battles at Latrun; his bold, if not crude attempts to restructure the military led to “the Generals’ Revolt,” in which nearly the entire Hagana command threatened to resign one week before the State of Israel was declared; his central role in the destruction of the Irgun militia’s weapons on the Altalena evokes fistfights to this day; and many still resent his ruthless dissolution of the Palmah after the war.

After the War of Independence, despite the fragile peace, Ben-Gurion deemed the IDF too large. His radical restructuring and cutbacks resulted in the resignation of Chief of Staff Yigael Yadin in 1952. Yadin was convinced that Ben-Gurion was weakening the army and endangering Israel. But Ben-Gurion saw the IDF as just one component of Israel’s overall security, and reasoned that allocating an oversized portion of the tiny state’s budget and resources to the military would eventually jeopardize the entire country. Foreseeing little risk of war in the coming years, he preferred the short-term gamble of downsizing the army, allowing him to invest long-term in the new state’s many civilian needs.

Given the enormous challenge of mass immigrant absorption, Ben-Gurion even diverted army forces to the civilian tasks of education and infrastructure. The result was the basis of the IDF as we know it – a relatively small core of full-time soldiers backed by a much larger reserve force, with an emphasis on intelligence, the air force, and mobile ground forces (infantry and tanks).

Eighteen Points

Ben-Gurion arranged another “seminar” for himself in 1953, this time focusing on the optimal defense strategy for the State of Israel. The resulting “eighteen-point plan” has been the linchpin of Israel’s defense strategies ever since.

The plan included programs designed to turn the IDF into the “melting pot” of Israeli society: “A nation cannot fight if it is not united,” announced one of its clauses. The army was to provide employment in areas with heavily immigrant populations, settle immigrants with an eye to reinforcing Jerusalem and its environs as well as the south, and make the Galilee and Nazareth overwhelmingly Jewish.

Ben-Gurion was largely responsible for Israel’s victory in the War of Independence; his vision defined the IDF’s role within the State of Israel; and his defense policy has remained virtually unchanged for sixty years. The fact that all this was achieved by one person is extraordinary – even if the results were not perfect and the price they exacted was a heavy one. Who but David Ben-Gurion could have done so much?

Photo-credit: Ben Gurion with ship’s officers of Israeli navy boat, July 1949, Government Press Office For the fully illustrated article and Ben Gurion time-line see: http://segulaaaa.ravpage.co.il/form1 

I am not sure if any area in life has more inaccurate rumors going around than the field of exercise.  Sometimes, the free flow of inaccurate information can confuses and frustrates people so much that they simply end up not exercising at all. That is a big shame because if people would just get up and get off the couch, it is estimated that hundreds of thousands of lives annually would be saved.  There are the standard questions that we all want to know, like “How often should I exercise?” (The more, the better, but at least 30 minutes nearly every day), “Does it have to be 30 minutes straight?”  (No, shorter bouts are fine) and  “Do I need to go to the gym?” (Not at all, there is enough you can do on your own in both aerobics and muscle building). But then there are some very specific questions that people have that more often than not, get incorrect answers.

Can I do spot toning? So you have a little extra fat built up in your stomach area or on the back of your arms and you want to know which exercise will take care of that? According to Rosemary Lindle, a University of Maryland exercise physiologist, “Spot-reducing is a myth.Some people believe that if they exercise one area, it will cause fat to be removed from that area,” She notes that “in our gym the men, who tend to store their fat in their abdomens, are on the ab machines, and the women are on the total hip machines for hours,”. Yes, abdominal and hip exercises can strengthen and tone the muscles. But those muscles are underneath the “subcutaneous” layer of fat that gives the lovely appearance of flab. Only losing weight can get rid of excess fat, and where you lose the weight depends on your genes. Losing weight around the waist is easier than losing it at the hips.

Can I burn a LOT of calories through exercise? “People have the mistaken idea that exercise is a fabulous way to lose weight,” says William Evans of the University of Arkansas for Medical Sciences. “But exercising doesn’t burn a lot of calories.” Walking or running a mile burns about 100 calories, but sitting still for the same time burns about 50 or 60 calories. “So the extra you expend isn’t huge and people get discouraged at their slow rate of weight loss.” Another misconception: You keep burning considerably more calories for a long time after you stop exercising. “Calorie expenditure is elevated for the first minute or two, but by five or six minutes the extra expenditure is pretty small, and by 40 minutes post-exercise, it’s back to where you started,” says Evans. This doesn’t mean that people wanting to lose weight should give up on exercise. The more you exercise, the more fit you’ll get. That means you’ll burn more calories because you can walk briskly or run for five miles instead of one. So instead of burning 100 calories, you burn 500 (that’s 250 more than if you had stayed on the couch). What’s more, says Evans, “the better-conditioned you are, the more fat you burn for energy, because your muscles adapt to using an enzyme that oxidizes fat. People who are less-trained burn more carbohydrate instead.” Dieters who exercise also lose less lean body mass — that is, less muscle — than people of diets who just cut calories. And physical activity can help with the toughest problem: keeping weight off. “Studies show that after people lose weight, the best predictor of maintaining the weight loss is whether they exercise regularly

I am not overweight, so I can skip the exercise, right?  What gets most people off the couch and into their walking shoes is unwanted flab. That shouldn’t be the reason you get off the couch.  “Many people don’t see immediate weight loss and say it’s all for naught and stop,” says exercise expert William Haskell of Stanford University Medical School. In fact, exercise has a laundry list of benefits beyond any impact on your next shopping trip. Among them:  “It improves the ability of insulin to enter cells, so it lowers the risk of diabetes,” says Haskell. “It also lowers the risk of heart disease by improving blood clotting mechanisms, lowering triglycerides, and raising HDL [‘good’] cholesterol.” Exercise alters not only your risk of disease, but your quality of life, he adds. “In our studies, exercise improved sleep in people with modest sleep dysfunction,” that is, people who take a long time to fall asleep or who wake up frequently at night.  “The psychological benefits of exercise are frequently overlooked,” says Haskell. “Exercise isn’t a panacea, but it has consistently been shown to relieve both depression and anxiety.”

Does it have to hurt? That old saying “no pain no gain” isn’t necessarily true. “Many people still believe that you have to work at a very high intensity in order to get a benefit,” says exercise physiologist Dr. Steven Blair. In fact, moderate-intensity exercise lowers the risk of dying just as much as high-intensity exercise. For example, says JoAnn Manson of the Harvard Medical School, “in the Nurses’ Health Study, women who regularly engaged in brisk walking reduced their risk of heart disease to the same degree as women who engaged in vigorous exercise. You don’t need to run a marathon.” The trick is making sure that the exercise is at least moderate-intensity — that is, equivalent to walking at a pace of three to four miles an hour. “You can vacuum at a very low pace or at a moderately intense pace,” says Blair. Running or jogging is, by definition, high-intensity. But walking, raking leaves, mowing lawns, dusting, and gardening may be either moderate- or low-intensity. High-intensity exercise does have one advantage: it saves time. It takes less time to burn the same number of calories at higher intensity. “You can jog for 20 minutes or walk for 40 or 45,” says Blair.  Does all the heart-pounding of high-intensity exercise do anything else for you? “Some things probably respond better to high-intensity and some may respond better to moderate-intensity exercise,” say Blair. “But in general, there doesn’t appear to be a lot of difference as long as you expend the same number of calories.” So you can either walk longer, or jog shorter for the same results.

I’m a senior citizen, isn’t it too late for me to start and exercise program? “Many people think they’re too old to start an exercise program,” says Tufts University’s Miriam Nelson. “They think it’s unsafe because they have heart disease or diabetes or because they’re too out of shape to start.” You’re never too old to start, says Nelson. And she ought to know. In one Tufts study, the participants were frail nursing-home residents whose ages ranged from 72 to 98. After just ten weeks, strength-training improved their muscle strength, ability to climb stairs, and walking speed. “When they see what a difference it makes, they’re thrilled,” says Nelson. The same goes for people with chronic diseases. “People say they can’t exercise because they have arthritis,” she adds. “But we see some of the greatest benefits in people with arthritis. Exercise reduces pain and increases range of motion, strength, and mobility.” That doesn’t mean that anyone can plunge into a bout of vigorous exercise, regardless of health history. As for the all-too-common “I don’t have time to exercise,” Nelson responds, “somehow, you’ve got to make the time, or you’re going to have medical problems like heart disease, diabetes, or osteoporosis. And it will take a lot more time to deal with them than it takes to exercise.” Keep in mind that the human body is made to improve its condition, if you take care of it, well into you 80’s.

Be an educated exerciser! Remember to stay with the basics, aerobics 5-6 days a week for about 30 minutes and 2 or 3 days of muscle building exercises and stretching daily and it will “add hours to your day, days to your year, and years to your life.”

Alan Freishtat is an A.C.E. CERTIFIED PERSONAL TRAINER and a LIFESTYLE FITNESS COACH with over 17 years of professional experience. He is the co-director of the Jerusalem-based weight loss and stress reduction center Lose It! along with Linda Holtz M.Sc. and is available for private consultations, assessments and personalized workout programs. Alan also lectures and gives seminars and workshops. He can be reached at 02-651-8502 or 050-555-7175, or by email at alan@loseit.co.il   Check out the Lose It! web site - www.loseit.co.il US Line: 516-568-5027

Please note: Eileen Goltz is a freelance kosher food writer. The Orthodox Union makes no endorsements or representations regarding kashrut certification of various products/vendors referred to in her articles, blog or web site.

Pancakes sit on the breakfast food ladder right under orange juice and right above scrambled eggs. You would be hard pressed to find someone who doesn’t enjoy a good pancake (AKA flapjacks, hotcakes or griddle cakes)  with their morning coffee and a newspaper. That being said, the truth of the matter is that pancakes have a ton of potential yet most people never seem to use them for all that they can be. It’s kind of sad to think that people go through life without trying new or different pancake variations. That changes today.  This column will teach you how to throw your breakfast taste buds a curveball by utilizing a little imagination and a few very simple, yet unique, readily on hand, ingredients. Making pancakes is a very easy project that even the youngest helper can pitch in.

RAISIN APPLE BAKED PANCAKE (dairy or pareve)

2 baking apples, cored and thinly sliced

1/2 cup raisins

2 tablespoons brown sugar

1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon

4 large eggs

2/3 cup milk or non dairy substitute

2/3 cup flour

2 tablespoons margarine or butter – melted

powdered sugar, optional

Preheat oven to 350. Grease a 9-inch pie plate with butter or nonstick cooking spray.

In a bowl combine the apple, raisins, brown sugar and cinnamon. Spoon the apples into the prepared pie plate. Bake the apples, uncovered 10 to 15 minutes or until the apples begins to soften. Remove the apples from oven then bump the oven temperature to 450. In a bowl combine the  eggs, milk, flour, and margarine and whisk until combined. Pour the batter over the apple mixture. Bake for 15 minutes or until the pancake puffs up and is golden brown.  Sprinkle the top with powdered sugar if using and serve immediately. Serves 4.

My files source unknown

PECAN AND BANANA PANCAKES (dairy or pareve)

2 cups flour

2 1/2 teaspoons baking powder

1/2 teaspoons baking soda

4 tablespoons sugar

1/2 teaspoon salt

1 1/2 cups buttermilk or pareve sour cream

2 eggs

6 tablespoons butter or margarine, melted

1 teaspoon vanilla

2 very ripe medium bananas, mashed

1 cups pecans, toasted lightly and chopped

butter, for cooking the pancakes

In a bowl whisk together the flour, baking powder, baking soda, sugar and salt. In another bowl whisk together the buttermilk, mashed bananas, pecans, eggs, butter and vanilla.  Whisk the dry ingredients into the buttermilk mixture until combined.

Heat a griddle and grease with butter. Using a measuring cup drop 1/4 cup batter onto griddle (not too close together as it will spread) and cook until bubbles appear on the top (1 to 2 minutes). Flip and cook until golden brown cooked throughout (1 to 2 minutes). Serves 4

Submitted by Ronnie McCrae NY NY

SMOKED WHITE FISH CORN CAKES (fish)

3/4 cup milk

2 tablespoons melted butter

1 egg, beaten

1/2 cup corn kernels

1 cup flour

2 teaspoons baking powder

2 Tablespoons sugar

1/2 teaspoon salt

1/2 cup flaked smoked white fish

maple syrup

In a bowl combine the milk, butter and egg. Whisk to combine and add the corn and white fish. Mix to combine and set aside. In another bowl combine the flour, baking powder, sugar and salt. Add the corn and white fish mixture into flour mixture and mix gently, just to combine. Do not over mix. Using a measuring cup drop 1/4 cup batter onto griddle (not too close together as it will spread) and cook until bubbles appear on surface (1 to 2 minutes) Flip and cook until golden brown cooked throughout (1 to 2 minutes). Serve with maple syrup. Serves 4

Modified from food.com

CINNAMON ROLL PUMPKIN PANCAKES (dairy)

This recipe was sent to me by a reader and she said it was the BEST pancake she ever made. I agree!!!

Cinnamon filling:

1/2 cup melted butter, melted

3/4 cup packed brown sugar

1 tablespoon cinnamon

Icing:

4 tablespoons butter

2 ounces cream cheese

3/4 cup powdered sugar, sifted

1/2 teaspoon vanilla

Batter:

1 1/2 cups milk

1 cup pure unsweetened pumpkin puree

2 eggs

2 tablespoon oil

2 tablespoons apple cider vinegar

2 cups flour

1 tablespoon baking powder

1/2 teaspoon baking soda

2 tablespoons pumpkin pie spice

1/2/ teaspoon salt

1 tablespoon brown sugar

Filling: In a small bowl combine the butter, brown sugar and cinnamon. Place the filling into a sandwich sized self sealing baggie. Close and set aside.

Icing: In a medium microwave-safe bowl, heat butter and cream cheese 30 to 60 seconds, just until butter has melted and cream cheese has softened. Whisk in powdered sugar and vanilla and combine until smooth. Set the icing aside.

Batter: In a large bowl, whisk together milk, pumpkin, eggs, oil, and vinegar. In a separate bowl, whisk together flour, baking powder, baking soda, pumpkin pie spice, salt and brown sugar. Add the dry ingredients to the pumpkin mixture and stir just until combined.

Make sure the filling mixture is combined by squishing the bag a few times. If it’s not as thick as toothpaste stick it in the freezer for a few minutes thickened. Snip off a small piece of the corner of the baggie.

To make the pancakes: Preheat a skillet or griddle and grease with butter or non stick spray. Use a 1/4 cup measuring cup spoon pour 4 pancakes onto the griddle. Spread out the batter a circle. Reduce the heat to low. Starting at the center of each pancake squeeze the cinnamon filling on top of the pancake batter in a concentric swirl.  Continue cooking the pancakes for  3 to 4 minutes until bubbles begin to appear and pop. Gently flip the pancake over. Cook an additional 2 to 3 minutes, until the other side is golden as well. Place the cooked pancakes on a cookie sheet and keep them warm in the oven while you make the remaining 4 pancakes. To serve, place on a plate or platter and drizzle the cream cheese frosting on top.

Modified from a recipe from recipegirl.com

LOX AND SPINACH PANCAKE PUFF (fish)

PANCAKE:

4 tablespoons butter

3/4 cup milk

2/3 cup flour

2 large eggs, beaten

1/2 teaspoon salt

One 10-ounce box frozen chopped spinach, thawed and drained well

3 tablespoons butter

2 cups sliced fresh mushrooms

1/2 cup chopped onions

8 lox, chopped

6 ounces shredded Munster cheese (1 1/2 cups)

Preheat oven to 400. Put the melted 4 tablespoons butter in a 9-inch pie plate and set it aside. In a bowl combine the milk, flour, eggs and salt in a bowl for 3 minutes, or until smooth. Pour the batter into the prepared dish. Bake 20-25 minutes or until brown.

Melt the 3 tablespoons butter in large skillet. Add mushrooms and onion and cook for about 5 minutes. Add the spinach. Cook 3 to 4 minutes longer, or until the filling is heated throughout. Stir in 1 cup of the cheese and the lox. Remove the pancake from the oven and spoon the spinach mixture into the center of the hot pancake and sprinkle with the remaining 1/2 cup cheese. Cut into wedges and serve immediately.

Modified from RecipeGirl.com

© Eileen Goltz father’s day 13a

In this week’s Parsha, Shelach, a tremendous amount of turmoil is caused by Lashon Harah, negative language. The Jewish people are getting ready to enter the Promised Land and Moshe sends 12 spies to scout out the Land of Israel. Ten of the spies returned from their trip with extraordinarily large clusters of grapes, pomegranates and figs and only bad things to say about the Land of Israel. Only two spies, Caleb and Joshua, refused to speak Lashon Hara. They maintained their faith in G-d and did not join the other spies in speaking badly about Israel.

Caleb and Joshua’s attempts to lead Klal Yisroel in the right direction fell on deaf ears and as a result of this Lashon Hara and lack of faith in G-d, the Jewish people were condemned to wander 40 years in the desert.

So many times we say things that we shouldn’t say, not only on a community level but in our homes. It is hard to remember that negative words have so much power. It is even harder to remember that positive words have even greater power.

As parents we have a tendency to focus on our kids negative behaviors instead of their positive ones. This is unfortunate because the more we focus on our child’s negative behavior the more we inadvertently reinforce their negative behavior.

This is especially true, when we try to foster responsible behavior in our children. Kids are irresponsible by nature and it can be difficult for parents to “force” their kids to be responsible. Parents will often complain and talk badly about their children:

“She never does her homework.”

“He doesn’t put his laundry in the hamper.”

“She is late for school.”

“He shirks his chores.”

As parents we need to think more positively about our kids behavior and have faith in their innate goodness.  When we want to foster responsibility it is more helpful if we ask ourselves,  “Is there ever a time where my child is responsible?”

This is a tough question for parents to answer, but if we push a bit, Something, anything, it does not have to be anything big, we might be able to say:

“She likes to soothe her sister when she cries.”

“He is careful when he helps me out in the garage when we work on my car.”

“She loves to vacuum and will do that anytime I ask.”

“Once his friend Michael was in the hospital and Michael’s Mom asked my son if he could get him the homework that he missed. He called him every night until Michael was better.

Once we are able to focus on our kid’s positive behavior, we can see that there are times where they actually exhibit responsible behaviors. This can give us clues as to how to foster more responsible behavior in our kids and how build on things that our kids already like to do.

If our child is good with little kids, we can help them get a job as a mother’s helper, which helps build responsibility. If he likes to tinker with mechanics you can give him some more responsibility when you are working on your car, or fixing any other appliance in the house. If she loves to vacuum, then that can be her job.

Lets use this Shabbos to focus on our child’s positive behaviors and use positive speech to encourage our kids to be responsible.

For more parenting tips and advice please see  Answering the Tough Questions: Parenting Experts Weigh In in Jewish Action.

Adina Soclof, MS. CCC-SLP, works as a Parent Educator for Bellefaire Jewish Children’s Bureau facilitating How to Talk so Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids will Talk workshops as well as workshops based on Siblings Without Rivalry. Adina also runs parentingsimply.com. 

Please note: Eileen Goltz is a freelance kosher food writer. The Orthodox Union makes no endorsements or representations regarding kashrut certification of various products/vendors referred to in her articles, blog or web site.

Let’s talk macaroons. This almond paste base cookie has become all the rage of late in the pastry conversation. Lately they have been seen in magazines, upscale bakeries and as a sweet treat at the end of an elegant meal they are actually a very simple cookie that is NOT just for Passover.

A true macaroon is small cookie classically made of almond paste or ground almonds (or both) mixed with sugar and egg whites said to have originated in Italy (although the French try to claim it as there invention as well). Almond macaroons can be chewy, crunchy or a combined texture with the outside crisp and the inside chewy. Adding nuts and or chocolate and coconut to the recipe just makes them more delicious.

The macaroon is a close cousin to the meringue but the meringues tends to be crisper and the macaroons chewier. If a macaroon is over baked, it tends to become dry and crumbly. Most modern day recipes for macaroons include almond paste to create body in the cookie as well as adding a more intense flavor than ground almonds. Macaroons made without paste tend to be light and airy with a delicate crust. French and Italian macaroons made with almond paste piped into a round shape with frosting holding two macaroons together

There are two key tricks to making macaroons at home. The first is making the egg white foam with tons of volume and the second is to have the consistency of batter so that it doesn’t run or spread too much. If the batter doesn’t cooperate you can always just add more nuts or coconut.

       Getting macaroons to release from the cookie sheet can be a challenge. Most recipes call for baking on parchment and then peeling the cookies from it shortly after they are removed from the oven. This is good advice, use the parchment paper.  You could also use a well greased baking sheet but you’ll have to use a thin metal spatula to remove them immediately upon taking the cookies out of the oven. Be warned, if the macaroons are under cooked the centers will be soft and gooey and tough to unstuck from the parchment paper.

If you don’t want to take the time to make individual macaroons try making a macaroon bar-type-cookie changing up the kind of nuts you use or adding coconut (note if the coconut is sweetened, you may want to cut back on the sugar in the recipe) If you feel like going crazy with the recipes add different extracts and chopped dried fruits.

EZ COCONUT MACAROONS (pareve)

3 large egg whites, room temperature (room temperature is important)

1/2 teaspoon vanilla or almond extract (optional)

1 1/2 cup powdered sugar

1 1/2 cups sweetened flaked coconut (or more as needed)

Grease a baking sheet very well if you are not using parchment paper. Preheat oven to 350. Place the egg whites in a bowl of an electric mixer and beat until the foam forms stiff, glossy peaks. Add the extract if using.  With a spatula, fold in the powdered sugar and nuts at the same time until just combined. Spoon the batter onto the prepared pan in rounded mounds. The batters consistency should be so that a spoonful will stand as a mound 3/4 inch high and about 1 1/2 to 2 inches across. If the batter is too thin and runny, add more coconut.  Bake for 15 minutes for small- to medium-sized cookies, 18 minutes for larger cookies, or until the cookies are a light brown. Immediately remove the cookies from the oven and then remove them from the pan. Let cool on a rack. Makes approx. 2 dozen.

My files source unknown

APRICOT MACAROON BARS (pareve)

For Crust:

3/4 cup butter or margarine, softened

1 cup sugar

2 eggs

1/4 teaspoon almond extract

1 1/2 cups flour

1 cup coconut

For Filling:

1 1/2 cup dried apricots, chopped

1 cup water

1/2 cup packed brown sugar

1/2 teaspoon vanilla

1/3 cup toasted coconut

Preheat oven to 350. In a large mixing bowl beat butter or margarine with an electric mixer on medium to high speed for 30 seconds. Add the granulated sugar and beat till combined. Beat in eggs and almond extract. Beat in as much of the flour as you can with the mixer. Stir in any remaining flour with a wooden spoon. Stir in coconut. Spread the batter into a greased 9X13 pan Bake for 25 minutes.

In a saucepan combine the dried apricots and water. Bring to boiling; reduce heat. Simmer, covered, for 7 to 8 minutes, or till apricots are tender. Stir in brown sugar. Cook and stir till sugar is dissolved. Remove from heat and add the vanilla. Spoon the filling over the hot crust. Sprinkle the toasted coconut over the top. Return to the oven and bake an additional 10 minutes more. Cool in pan for at least 30 minutes. Cut into bars. Makes 30 to 36.

Submitted by Lois Raston Indianapolis IN

MIXED UP MACAROONS (pareve)

3 egg whites

1/4 teaspoon salt

1 cup sugar

1/2 cup ground almonds

1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract

6 ounces (about 1 cup) semisweet chocolate chips, melted, cooled

Preheat oven to 350. Grease 2 cookie sheets or use parchment paper. In a bowl of an electric mixer beat the egg whites and salt until stiff but not dry. Beat in the sugar, a little at a time until the mixture is thick and glossy. Mixture should stand in peaks. By hand, fold in the almonds, vanilla, and melted chocolate. Drop chocolate macaroons by teaspoonfuls onto the prepared cookie sheets. Bake for 12 to 15 minutes. Makes about 48 chocolate macaroons.

Modified from About.com

CHOCOLATE DIPPED COCONUT MACAROONS (pareve)

4 large eggs whites

1 1/3 cups sugar

1/2 teaspoon salt

1 1/2 teaspoons vanilla

2 1/2 cups sweetened flaked coconut

1/4 cup plus 2 tablespoons flour

8 ounces bittersweet chocolate, chopped

Preheat oven to 300. In a heavy saucepan stir together the egg whites, the sugar, the salt, the vanilla, and the coconut, add in the flour, and stir the mixture until it is combined well. Cook the mixture over moderate heat, stirring constantly, for 5 minutes, increase the heat to moderately high, and cook the mixture, stirring constantly, for 3 to 5 minutes more, or until it is thickened and begins to pull away from the bottom and side of the pan. Transfer the mixture to a bowl, let it cool slightly, and chill it, its surface covered with plastic wrap, until it is just cold. Drop heaping teaspoons of the dough 2 inches apart onto buttered baking sheets and bake the macaroons in batches in the middle of a preheated oven for 20 to 25 minutes, or until they are pale golden. Transfer the macaroons to a rack and let them cool.

In a small metal bowl set over a pan of barely simmering water melt the chocolate, stirring until it is smooth, remove the bowl from the heat, and dip the macaroons, 1 at a time, into the chocolate, coating them halfway and letting any excess drip off. Transfer the macaroons as they are dipped to a foil-lined tray and chill them for 30 minutes to 1 hour, or until the chocolate is set. The macaroons keep, chilled and separated by layers of wax paper, in an airtight container for 3 days. (If the macaroons are made in advance, let them stand at room temperature for 20 minutes before serving.) Makes about 30 macaroons.

Gourmet March 1992

MACAROON FUDGE BARS (pareve or dairy)

6 ounces semi sweet chocolate, melted

1 cup unsalted butter or unsalted margarine

1 1/2 cups brown sugar

1 tablespoon sugar

3 eggs

3/4 cup matzo cake meal

1/4 cup potato starch

1 1/2 cups lightly packed quartered or coarsely chopped macaroons (any brand or flavor. Use store bought macaroons for easier recipe)

Preheat oven to 350. Lightly grease 9X13 pan. In a pan melt the chocolate and butter or margarine over low heat. Cool to room temperature. Stir in brown sugar, vanilla sugar, eggs, flour and corn starch. Stir in macaroon pieces. Spoon batter into prepared pan. Bake about 40-50 minutes, until top seems set and is beginning to take on a crackled appearance. Do not over bake. Brownies should be set and seem dry to touch – but there should not be a dry crust around sides. Makes 24. Leave plain or glaze.

My files source unknown

STRAWBERRY AND MACAROON PARFAITS (dairy or pareve)

2 cups sliced hulled strawberries (about 12 ounces)

1 10-ounce package frozen strawberries in syrup, thawed

1 1/2 cups coarsely crushed almond macaroons or crushed almond cookies

1 pint vanilla frozen yogurt or ice cream or pareve ice cream

4 additional strawberries (optional)

Mix sliced strawberries and strawberries in syrup in medium bowl. Divide half of strawberry mixture among four 10- to 12-ounce goblets or wineglasses. Top with half of macaroons and small scoops of frozen yogurt. Repeat layering. Top each with 1 fresh strawberry, if desired. Serves 4. This recipe can be doubled or tripled.

Modified from epicurious.com

© Eileen Goltz macaroon 13a

Savitsky talks with BJ Rosenfeld about her new book  The Chameleon in the Closet which is reviewed in the fall issue of Jewish Action. 

Savitsky Talks is a weekly 20 minute audio program with interviews and discussions that probe and explore contemporary Jewish life. Steve Savitsky’s unusually direct and objective approach make this program a refreshing take on the Jewish community’s often challenging role in the world.

Who is rich?  The one who is happy with his portion.  (Avos 4:1)

Do you have a positive or negative outlook on life?  Let’s try and take this a step further, is good mental health simply the absence of a disorder like depression, anxiety or a phobia, or is the development of meaning, fulfillment and positive emotions all crucial to the quality of daily life?  We certainly believe that doing Hashem’s will results in a more rewarding and happy life.  How important is happiness and can being positive enhance your health?

Most of 20th century psychiatry and psychology has worked within a medical model with the goal of moving people from painful mental states to more neutral ones.  But newer thinkers in the world of psychology now think that positive emotions, psychological states and optimal human functioning can assist people in their quest for joy and fulfillment.  Dr. Abraham Maslow is the one credited with coining the term positive psychology in the 1950’s and he introduced the concept of “self-actualization”—a yearning for growth and meaning in life.  But it was Dr. Martin Seligman who broke new ground in the 1990’s with the concept of “learned optimism” which is the basis of today’s study of happiness.  2 years ago, Seligman came out with the concept of PERMA—positive emotion, engagement, relationships, meaning and accomplishment.  As novel as this new psychological approach may seem, research is beginning to bear out the benefits of positive thinking and happiness.

Dr. Seligman brings many studies in his latest book, Flourish.

Among the studies he mentions is one from the mid-1980s, where 120 men from San Francisco had their first heart attacks were studied as to the relationship between type A (aggressive, time urgent, and hostile) and B (easygoing) personalities. This study disappointed many psychologists and cardiologists by ultimately finding no effect on CVD (Cardiovascular disease) by training to change these men’s personalities.  However, Gregory Buchanan, then a graduate student at Penn, studied their first heart attacks: extent of damage to the heart, blood pressure, cholesterol, body mass, and lifestyle—all the traditional risk factors for cardiovascular disease. In addition, the men were all interviewed about their lives: family, job, and hobbies. Every single statement they made in regard to optimism and pessimism was taken.  Within eight and a half years, half the men had died of a second heart attack.  None of the usual risk factors predicted death: not blood pressure, not cholesterol, not even how extensive the damage from the first heart attack. Only optimism, eight and a half years earlier, predicted a second heart attack: of the sixteen most pessimistic men, fifteen died. Of the sixteen most optimistic men, only five died.   This finding has been repeatedly confirmed in larger studies of cardiovascular disease, using varied measures of optimism:

Similar studies showed similar results. Veterans Affairs Normative Aging Study done in 1986, tracked 1,306 veterans for ten years. During that time, 162 cases of cardiovascular disease occurred. Smoking, alcohol use, blood pressure, cholesterol, body mass, family history of CVD, and education were measured, as was anxiety, depression, and hostility.  Men with the most optimistic style had 25 percent less CVD than average, and men with the least optimism had 25 percent more CVD than average. This trend was strong and continuous, indicating that greater optimism protected the men, whereas less optimism weakened them.

In the European Prospective Investigation, more than 20,000 healthy British adults were followed from 1996-2002 during which 994 of them died, 365 of them from Cardiovascular Disease (CVD). Death from cardiovascular disease was strongly influenced by a sense of mastery, holding smoking, social class, and the other psychological variables constant. People high in mastery had 20 percent fewer CVD deaths than those with an average sense of mastery, and people high in a sense of helplessness had 20 percent more CVD deaths than average. This was also true of deaths due to all causes.

999 Dutch men and women aged sixty-five to eighty-five were followed for nine years. In that time, 397 of them died. At the outset, researchers measured health, education, smoking, alcohol, history of cardiovascular disease, marriage; body mass, blood pressure, and cholesterol along with optimism.  Pessimism was very strongly associated with mortality, particularly when holding all the other risk factors constant. Optimists had only 23 percent the rate of CVD deaths of the pessimists. Interestingly this protection was specific to optimism, a future-oriented cognition, and present-oriented mood items.

Perhaps depression is the real culprit? Pessimism, in general, correlates pretty highly with depression, and depression, in many studies, also correlates with cardiovascular disease. So you might wonder if the lethal effect of pessimism works by increasing depression. The answer seems to be no, since optimism and pessimism exerted their effects even when depression was held constant statistically.

In the largest study of the relationship between optimism and cardiovascular disease to date, ninety-seven thousand women, healthy at the outset of the study in 1994, were followed for eight years. As usual in careful epidemiological studies, age, race, education, religious attendance, health, body mass, alcohol, smoking, blood pressure, and cholesterol were recorded at the start. Epidemiological studies investigate patterns of health in large populations. Optimism was measured in yet another way by the well-validated Life Orientation Test (LOT), which poses ten statements such as: “In unclear times, I usually expect the best,” and “If something can go wrong for me, it will.” Importantly, depressive symptoms were also measured and their impact assessed separately. The optimists (the top quarter) had 30 percent fewer coronary deaths than the pessimists (bottom quarter). The trend of fewer deaths, both cardiac and deaths from all causes, held across the entire distribution of optimism, indicating again that optimism protected women and pessimism hurt them relative to the average.

According to happiness researcher Dr. Sonja Lyubomirsky of the University of California, Riverside, 40% of our happiness is within our power to change through our actions and thoughts.  Another 50% can be attributed to genes.  Surprisingly (although perhaps not surprisingly in the Torah world), only 10% of our happiness is associated with life circumstances, such as money, health, marriage, appearance, etc.  So keep in mind, as Dr. Avraham Twersky has told us many times, when it comes to happiness, there is nothing to pursue.  The pursuit of happiness is a false trail.  We already have the happiness within us, we just have to dig deep and find it.   And as we have seen, the benefits of positivity and happiness are great.

A positive attitude will “add hours to your day, days to your year, and years to your life.”

Alan Freishtat is an A.C.E. CERTIFIED PERSONAL TRAINER and a LIFESTYLE FITNESS COACH with over 17 years of professional experience. In addition to his private consultations and personalized workout programs, Alan is the co-director of the Jerusalem-based weight loss and stress reduction center Lose It! along with Linda Holtz M.Sc . Lose It! now features special programs for Seminary Girls and Yeshiva Boys.  Alan can be reached at 1-516-568-5027, 972-2-651-8502 or his cell phone 972-50-555-7175. Email: alan@loseit.co.il

Visit the Lose It! website  www.loseit.co.il

Everyone remembers the first time they watched The Wizard of Oz, and that moment when Dorothy opens her door to discover that she has landed in Oz, a world of color. The twister that hit her house in Kansas actually did her a favor, according to the film, by bringing her to a land of magic, mystical creatures and, ultimately, self-discovery. As in most movies, reality is totally distorted, as the likelihood of Dorothy and her little dog Toto surviving such a natural disaster is slim to none. The only thing that may have an element of truth is that disasters tend to bring us all a bit of self-discovery. In my life, I have witnessed the power of the humanity after a natural disaster, as people discover what they really have to offer, and pull together to rebuild.

Growing up in the Midwest, tornado drills were regular events at school, although I never experienced one myself, thank God. Once, when I was in Canada for the summer, there was an earthquake, but my experience with natural disasters was quite limited. That was until I found myself on Long Island for the duration of Superstorm Sandy. When I say “I found myself on Long Island,” I mean it was a total accident, as I live in Brooklyn. I had gone out with a friend in Manhattan the night before and went home with her, rather than returning to my apartment. On Sunday, with the storm approaching, rumors of the subway system shutting down became fact  and, before I knew it, the Long Island Railroad stopped service and I had no choice but to stay.

Spoiler alert: I did not wind up swimming out the door in search of a dry home. I am so thankful, because it’s no joke; that really happened to some people. I spent Sunday shopping for essentials as there was no telling how long I would be marooned. On Monday, the wind started howling, but the rain didn’t begin until much later in the day, around 6 or 7 p.m. At that point, we were stuck inside, but safely playing Trivial Pursuit. At around 8 o’clock, we lost electricity. Candles were lit, the basement was checked for flooding (there was about an inch of water), and we continued sitting around, waiting out the storm.

When I woke up on Tuesday morning, I found my friend’s parents sitting at the kitchen table listening to a battery-operated radio as the damage was being reported. Subway stations and tunnels were totally flooded. Later in the day, I went out with my friend to discover a total wasteland. Trees were everywhere — not just branches and limbs — but entire trees, roots and all. We saw a wooden play structure, the kind that is built to be sturdy, on its side, having taken down a fence in its fall. Store windows were smashed, shutters on the ground. Another friend in the area reported that water had reached the main floor of her house, but there was no electricity to pump it out. That’s not to mention the countless numbers of people who had lost entire homes. By Wednesday, we headed to Queens, as food from the fridge was all spoiled, and we were getting cold in the house due to the lack of heat. I went back to Brooklyn that night, but my friend went home to a house that would not regain power for two weeks.

These days, between the Internet and social media, it is easy to see clear pictures of the damage that is caused by extreme weather. Our hearts pour out to the victims, prayers are said, money is raised, volunteers abound.  And then, slowly, the interest usually dwindles. After Sandy, however, it was truly incredible to see communities pull together. The Baltimore community chartered buses for entire displaced families to come stay with them for Shabbat, opening their homes to total strangers. Owners of food establishments offered free meals to those who needed them. Facebook groups were created announcing extra beds in Washington Heights, clothing drives in Queens, and makeshift soup kitchens in Brighton Beach.

Weeks later, I saw a reasonably well-dressed man with a sign, “Still a Hurricane Sandy victim.” That was the whole message, but those five words spoke volumes to me.

God gave us a gift when He gave us the ability to heal. It is only natural that eventually the shock of a disaster wears off. Carpool, groceries, the morning coffee. Our routines go back to normal. But for the victims of these disasters, life can’t simply go on. For those who have lost everything, picking up the pieces takes time, much more time than it takes us to forget the severity of what transpired.

The tornado in Oklahoma should be a call to action. To keep those who were hit in our thoughts and our prayers; to raise awareness for disaster relief; to donate not only financially, but also our time, in whatever way we can, without a time limit. And, of course, to appreciate every day that we have a roof over our heads. After all, there’s no place like home.

Please note: Eileen Goltz is a freelance kosher food writer. The Orthodox Union makes no endorsements or representations regarding kashrut certification of various products/vendors referred to in her articles, blog or web site.

Serving tons of friends and family for non-shabbos get-togethers typically includes an appetizer of some sort. While the ubiquitous mini bagles with lox, deviled eggs and mini egg rolls immediately come to mind, I’m a big proponent of the hot dip.

Typically a concoction of herbs, spices and cheese, the dip is one that can be whipped up a day before the company descends and heated to perfection moments before they arrive.

The following recipes, while perfect for entertaining year round, offer a wide variety of ingredients to tempt just about any palate and are so delicious you may just want to serve them while watching your favorite football team too. Oh, and don’t fret when it comes for “Dippers” for the dips. Any assortment of chips, celery, carrots, zucchini, cucumbers, snap peas, red peppers, mini breadsticks, pitas and crackers will do just great.

ROASTED CORN DIP (dairy)

4 to 5 cups fresh or frozen corn

1 onion, chopped fine

1 red pepper, chopped fine

6 green onions, the green and white part chopped

1 jalapeno, chopped

2 teaspoons minced garlic

8 ounces sharp cheddar

1/2 cup mayonnaise

2 tablespoons olive oil

Salt and pepper

Cayenne

Tortilla chips for dipping

Preheat oven to 350. In a large skillet heat the olive oil and add the corn, stirring constantly until the corn is lightly browned. Immediately place it in a large bowl. Don’t clean the pan, just add 1 tablespoon of oil and the onion and red peppers. Cook, stirring constantly for 2 minutes then add the green onions, garlic, and jalapeno. Stir to combine and cook for another 2 to 3 minutes until the onions are soft.

Add the onion mixture to the corn mixture. Add the mayonnaise and half of the cheese and season to taste with salt, pepper and cayenne. Spoon the mixture into a greased oven proof serving dish. Sprinkle the remaining cheese on top and bake for 15 to 20 minutes until the cheese is bubbling. Cool 2 to 3 minutes and serve with corn chips, potato chips or pita chips. Makes 5 to 6 cups

My files, source unknown

SPICY HOT TEX MEX DIP (dairy)

 16 oz can refried beans

15 oz can black beans, drained

1.25 oz pkg. taco seasoning mix

1/2 cup sour cream

1 cup salsa (you preference for hotness)

1/2 cup minced green pepper

1/2 cup chopped black olives

1 cup shredded pepper jack cheese

2 large green onions

1 pkg. tortilla chips

Preheat oven to 375.In a bowl combine the refried beans, black beans and taco seasoning mix. Spread the bean mixture in an ungreased 8-inch square baking dish. Spread the sour cream over bean layer then spoon the salsa over the sour cream. Top with green peppers, black olives and cheese. Cover the pan with foil and bake for 15 minutes. Uncover, bake for an additional 15 minutes or until cheese is melted Sprinkle the green onions over the top and serve. Serves 8 to 12

Submitted by Rochelle Maters Chicago, IL

FETA GARLIC DIP (dairy)

2 (8-ounce) package cream cheese, softened

2/3 to1 cup crumbled feta cheese

2 tablespoons chopped fresh parsley

1 teaspoon minced garlic

1 teaspoon dried oregano

1 teaspoon dried basil

1/4 teaspoon black pepper

Preheat oven to 350. In a bowl, combine all the ingredients and stir until mixed. Place mixture in a glass pie pan and bake until dip is heated through and bubbly. 10 to Makesapprox 2 cups dip.

 Modified from about.com

PIZZA DIP (dairy)

8 oz. soft cream cheese

1/2 cup sour cream

1 teaspoon oregano

1/8 teaspoon garlic powder

1/8 teaspoon crushed red pepper

1/2 cup shredded Mozzarella

1/2 cup pizza sauce

1/2 fake bacon bits

1/4 cup sliced green onion

1/4 cup chopped green pepper

Preheat oven to 350. In the bowl of an electric mixer combine the cream cheese, sour cream, oregano, garlic powder and red pepper. Spread the mixture into a 9 or 10″ quiche dish or pie plate. Spread the pizza sauce over the top of the cheese mixture. Place the bacon bits,  green onion and green pepper on top of the sauce. Bake 10 to 12 minutes. Remove from the oven and sprinkle the mozzarella on top. Return the dip to the oven and bake an additional 5 minutes until cheese is melted. Serves 10 to 12

Submitted by Craig Easton NY, NY

© Eileen Goltz hot dips 12a

Steve talks with Tamir Goodman about his basketball career and his new book.

Savitsky Talks is a weekly 20 minute audio program with interviews and discussions that probe and explore contemporary Jewish life. Steve Savitsky’s unusually direct and objective approach make this program a refreshing take on the Jewish community’s often challenging role in the world.

The organic food industry is huge. In 2011 sales of organic foods exceeded the $30 billion mark in the United States alone. What was once a small sub-section of America’s food culture has grown nearly 20% over the past 10 years and outpaces the sale of non-organic food by 2%-3% each year. These numbers are also echoed in most western countries around the world. The general consensus seems to be that eating organic food is good for you but is this sentiment true? Is eating organic food REALLY better for you than eating non-organic food? Also, what exactly makes a food “organic”?

For starters, to get the USDA organic seal, foods need to have been grown, handled and processed by certified organic facilities. Meat, poultry, eggs and dairy products need to be produced from animals that have never been given antibiotics or hormones and who have been fed organic crop. Organic crops must be grown free of conventional pesticides, free of fertilizers made with synthetic ingredients or sewage sludge, and without bioengineering or use of ionizing radiation.

The USDA is careful to note than an organic seal does not mean that a food is healthier or safer than its conventionally grown equivalent. In fact, a 2010 review looking at studies of organic foods and health benefits over the past 50 years determined that there’s not enough good data to say one way or the other if organic foods are healthier. Of the studies that had been done, the only one that found a health difference showed that the risk of eczema was decreased in infants who ate strictly organic dairy products. Overall, there just isn’t enough good information to determine the benefits.

That being said, there is some tangential data that does seem to support the benefits of organic food. A study of preschool children in Seattle found that kids who ate conventional diets had significantly higher levels of urine pesticides than the kids who ate organic. Truthfully, Higher urine pesticides haven’t been connected to real health outcomes but it seems like a good idea to minimize consumption of toxic chemicals.

Even though we don’t have any conclusive proof that eating organic is better for you, when it comes to fruits and vegetables, we know which fruits and vegetables use more pesticides and which use less. Here is a list of fruits and vegetables, which according to the Environmental Working Group have more pesticides

• Celery
• Peaches
• Strawberries
• Apples
• Blueberries
• Nectarines
• Sweet Bell Pepper
• Spinach
• Kale/Collard Greens
• Cherries
• Potatoes
• Grapes

The same groups say that the following list uses the least amount of pesticide:

• Onions
• Avocado
• Sweet Corn (Frozen)
• Pineapples
• Mango
• Sweet Peas (Frozen)
• Asparagus
• Kiwi Fruit
• Cabbage
• Eggplant
• Cantaloupe
• Watermelon
• Grapefruit
• Sweet Potatoes
• Honeydew Melon

When it comes to organic meat, the criteria are different.  Organic livestock is raised in a more humane, more sanitary way and the production of organic meat has less of an impact on the environment than traditional meat production. Here are just a few of the other differences between organic and non-organic meat.

In order to stimulate growth and prevent the spread of disease, non-organic cattle and livestock are given antibiotics and growth hormones. These hormones can remain in the manure of the animals and lead to the contamination of groundwater. Organic animals, on the other hand, are not given any hormones, antibiotics or growth stimulants. Instead, farmers use a well-rounded diet of organic materials to promote growth and fight off infection in their livestock.

It is common for non-organic farmers to feed cattle ground up cattle and animal remnants to encourage growth. This practice can cause diseases such as bovine spongiform encephalopathy also known as mad cow disease. Organic farming prohibits the practice of feeding animal remains to herbivores and safeguards against this dangerous infection.

Traditional farms use a variety of pesticides and chemicals to encourage the growth of their crops and ward off insects. Animal are exposed to these chemicals when they graze on the land. Organic farms use natural materials to promote crop growth. Therefore, by purchasing organic meat, you can decrease your exposure to harmful chemicals and toxins.

Factory farms seek to produce as much meat as possible for a minimal cost. The emphasis on product and profit means that the animals are subject to inhumane conditions. Animals are crammed into barns and crates and given little access to the outdoors. Organic animals spend less time confined indoors and are given plenty of time and room to graze.

Industrial farms raise so many animals and produce so much manure that the excess often contaminates the earth. The overflow of manure can infect wells and other areas with E. coli and other harmful chemicals. Organic farms raise less livestock and produce just enough manure to rejuvenate and fertilize the soil. Also, because organic animals are fed organic diets, their manure is pure and free from any toxins.

Organic meat may not contain more nutrients or fewer calories than meat produced by a traditional factory farm. However, proponents of eating organic say it contains fewer toxins and is better for the body and the planet.

In weighing the pros and cons of going organic or not, the jury is still out and right now, the cost versus the benefit may not be worth it. Organic or not, eating a well rounded diet full of fresh produce, whole grains, and lean proteins is essential for good health and will “add hours to your day, days to your year, and years to your life.”  

Want to live an organic life? Check out Confessions of a Kosher Organic Junkie in Jewish Action!

Alan Freishtat is an A.C.E. CERTIFIED PERSONAL TRAINER and a LIFESTYLE FITNESS COACH with over 17 years of professional experience. He is the co-director of the Jerusalem-based weight loss and stress reduction center Lose It! along with Linda Holtz M.Sc. and is available for private consultations, assessments and personalized workout programs. Alan also lectures and gives seminars and workshops. He can be reached at 02-651-8502 or 050-555-7175, or by email at alan@loseit.co.il   Check out the Lose It! web site – www.loseit.co.il    US Line: 516-568-5027

I have always learned that “Lifnei Iver lo Titen Michshol”, Don’t put a stumbling block before the blind,” meant that we should not give bad advice or with an ulterior motive. But what about kids who do not like to receive any of their parents advice, no matter how good, sensible and sincere it is? Should we withhold our brilliant advice? Wouldn’t that be considered “placing a stumbling block before the blind…”?

Take these examples of sound advice:
You should do your homework right when you come home..
Don’t eat so much sugar you will get a stomachache…
You need to wear a warmer jacket than that! It is cold outside…

The advice is sound, genuine, and even kind. We are adults, we are parents, we know so much more than our kids so it is only natural that we want to dispense advice. The best part about our advice is that it is based on wisdom that we have gleaned after years of making our own mistakes.

This is all true, but children universally respond to our sage and sensible advice with eye rolling and annoyance. Why? Because giving advice to children interferes with children’s much needed autonomy. All human beings, and that includes children, generally like to figure things out for themselves. This is the major reason why children and teens have a hard time accepting advice from their parents

Kids even get snippy after they have asked us for advice and we give us our opinions. How many parents have had the conversation:
Child: Mom, what should I do? Sara is being mean to me..
Parent: Well, honey, sometimes people are mean but they don’t really mean it. You should just ignore her and let it go.
Child: You just don’t understand!

As parents we need to know that stepping in and giving our children advice, even when it is solicited, may cause children to feel stupid (“I should have thought about that myself”). They also may feel angry, (“Why are you always telling me what to do and controlling my life?”) and defiant (“Maybe I thought about that solution already!”). Advice in the form of lectures causes boredom and weariness, (“I am never going to ask for advice again- she just goes on and on!”).

So what can we do as parents? Should we just zip our lips until our kids leave home? Should we let our kids stumble through life blindly? Not necessarily, there are ways that help kids listen to our advice without annoying them in the process:

The following key phrases allow us to give advice in a way that respects our child’s independence, and shows we understand their feelings:

“I am not sure you will agree with this….but you might want to do your homework first, get it over with and then play with your friends.”

“What do you think of this idea?……take a step outside for a minute to see what the weather is. Then decide on a jacket.”

“How would you feel about?…….eating dinner and then see if you have room for that sugary snack.”
More important, we need to show our children that we have faith in their ability to solve problems on their own.
 We can do that by asking them:
“In this situation what do you think would work for you?”

“You seem upset by Sara, in this situation what do you think would work for you?”

Parents can and should advise their kids. We need to do it in a way that shows we respect them and lets them feel capable of handling life and all the big and little problems that come their way. In this way they can sometimes avoid stumbling about like blind people.

Adina Soclof, MS. CCC-SLP, works as a Parent Educator for Bellefaire Jewish Children’s Bureau facilitating How to Talk so Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids will Talk workshops as well as workshops based on Siblings Without Rivalry. Adina also runs parentingsimply.com. 

Stephen Savitsky sits down with the Executive Director of Yeshivat Migdal Hatorah, Shmuel Katz about The Haredi Press in America.

Savitsky Talks is a weekly 20 minute audio program with interviews and discussions that probe and explore contemporary Jewish life. Steve Savitsky’s unusually direct and objective approach make this program a refreshing take on the Jewish community’s often challenging role in the world.

Steve Savitsky speaks with Rabbi Jeffrey Saks, one of the editors of “To Mourn a Child: Jewish Responses to Neonatal and Childhood Death.”

In To Mourn a Child, Rabbi Saks and Dr. Wolowelsky have assembled an anthology which consists primarily of personal accounts written by parents and other family members who experienced this devastating loss. In addition, there are essays by rabbis and healthcare professionals and selections from traditional Jewish sources.

“To Mourn a Child: Jewish Responses to Neonatal and Childhood Death” is published by OU Press and available here www.ou.org/oupress/item/100177

Steve Savitsky talks with former basketball phenom Tamir Goodman about his new book.

Tamir Goodman was dubbed “The Jewish Jordan” by Sports Illustrated for the unorthodox combination of basketball prowess and devout faith that he brought with him onto the court as a top-ranked high school recruit, D-I and professional basketball player. Goodman’s book features practical basketball training tips, strategies to contend with the mental side of the game, and game-like scenarios to demonstrate how this advice will pay off on the court.

A passionate music video takes you on tour of the most stunning views of the most beautiful city. Breathtaking videography brings out the power of the lyrics and music of singer/songwriter, David Green’s, unexplainable feelings for Jerusalem. The song is from Dovid’s album, “Journey to the Real You” available on CD and MP3 from www.dovidmusic.com, iTunes, amazon and many other online stores. The music features many of Israel’s most talented musicians as they perform a refreshing new sound in spiritual music. Scenes include the old city, Mahane Yehuda, Mamila, Jafa gate, Jewish quarter, motel (western wall) mount of olives, Mir Yeshiva, Aish Hatorah, musicians performing, Har Menuchos, city of David, aerial views and more.

“Moshe received the Torah from Sinai and transmitted it to Yehoshua (Joshua). And Yehoshua to the Elders ….” (Pirkei Avos 1:1)

Didn’t Moshe receive the Torah from G-d? While he received it on Mt Sinai, the mountain didn’t give him the Torah! The Maharal of Prague (Derech Chaim) explains that while Moshe received the Torah from G-d, Sinai was a necessary component to enable that transmission to occur. In order to have an encounter where one truly receives from another, a special place must be designated for the encounter. Otherwise the experience is random.  When G-d revealed Himself to the non-Jewish prophet Bilam, the Torah describes it as a chance encounter, (vayikar), as there was no special place designated for the revelation.  When G-d gave the Torah, He did so with intention to transmit to a receiver, and therefore he designated Sinai as a place to accomplish that goal. When the Mishna says that Moshe received the Torah from Sinai, it teaches us the uniqueness of Moshe’s reception in that G-d designated a special place for that event.

Our Sages liken our receiving the Torah on Shavuos to a marriage between G-d and the Jewish people.  Just as it was necessary to designate a space for there to be a true encounter, relationship, so too in our own relationships it is necessary to make space.

Relationships don’t just function on autopilot. If we do not work on them and create space for them, they will not achieve their full potential. While a husband and wife can live together and go through the motions, and this may be even easier if they have kids to distract them, such encounters become random and happenstance.  A true encounter, a revelation of one’s self to the other, can only occur when we create space.

Here are three practical ways that you can make space for your relationship:

1) Space in Time

It is crucial for couples to make time for each other. We often forget that at one point we really enjoyed each other’s company.  It is necessary to have fun time together, such as a weekly outing or “date night” as well as time for more serious discussion.  Designating that time in your schedule can make your relationship feel like an intentional experience.  You know how much easier it is to “show up” for your spouse and be present if you consciously create a special time rather than your spouse hoping that it will just randomly occur during your everyday interactions.

Furthermore, the concept of designating time to talk makes it much easier for you to receive things that may be uncomfortable to hear. If you are walking in the door from work and are tired and hungry, the last thing you want to do is listen to your partner’s frustrations with you. However, if you are not caught off guard, rather you are ready and willing to listen, you will likely be able to take it much better and approach a more productive outcome.  If you want your partner to receive you, ask if it is a good time to talk.  Just as G-d designated the space of Sinai so that we could truly receive the Torah, making space in time will allow your spouse to receive you in a meaningful way.

2) Space in Self

If you want to receive your spouse fully, you must also make space within yourself for him/her. When we experience another, it is hard to remove ourselves from the equation.  We process their words through our filter and we desire to respond. When we can temporarily put our reality aside and receive our spouse, without reacting from our experience, we are able to engage with them in a deep encounter.  Our Sages (Medrash Tehilim 68:16) say that one of the reasons the Torah was given on Sinai, even though it was the lowest mountain, is to teach us the lesson of humility. Precisely because it was the lowest mountain, it was able to make space for something greater than itself, G-d’s revelation. In order to make space for G-d’s revelation in your relationship, you need to make space for an “other”.  Next time your spouse shares something with you, try to really listen to where he/she is coming from without putting your two cents in.

3) Relationship Space

The final way you can make space for your relationship is to honor the “in-between”.  The Talmud (Yerushalmi Shekalim 6:1) describes the giving of the Ten Commandments to Moshe by commenting that the tablets were 6 handbreadths long, leaving two handbreadths for G-d to “hold onto”, two for Moshe to hold as he received them, and an empty space of two handbreadths in between. The Maharal explains (Netzach Yisroel 2) that this image represents the highest form of connection one can have, as the empty space in-between is a joint shared space which reflects the partnership, so to speak, between the two parties.

Instead of asking yourself, “what can I get out of this relationship?”, ask yourself “what does this relationship need from me?”  We often view a relationship as two separate parties who are engaged in a give and take.  In truth, the relationship is a joint entity which is bigger than two individuals in it. When we make the relationship the focus, instead of ourselves, we allow the Divine presence to rest in between.

One helpful thought to have in mind can be learned from the following Talmudic story  (Shabbos 31a) of the convert who asked Hillel to teach him the entire Torah on one foot. Hillel responded, “That which is hateful to your friend, do not do. All the rest is commentary-go and study it.” Commenting on this passage Rabbi Dov Ber, the Maggid of Mezeritch translated “your friend” to mean your “connection”(as they share the same root word in Hebrew). That which is hateful to your connection with G-d, do not do! Let us ask ourselves, will this thought, word, or action be helpful for our relationship with our spouse? Will it nurture the relationship or will it damage it?

As we work to make a special space in time, within ourselves, and for our relationship, may we experience the revelation of the Divine in our marriage.

Rabbi Shlomo Slatkin is a licensed counselor and Certified IMAGO Relationship Therapist. He is an author  and international lecturer on relationships. Get a free download of The Five Step Action Plan to Saving Your Marriage , or visit www.theRelationshipRabbi.com to learn more.

Stephen Savitsky Interviews Harold Berman & Gayle Redlingshafer Berman about their book “Doublelife: One Family, Two Faiths and a Journey of Hope”

Savitsky Talks is a weekly 20 minute audio program with interviews and discussions that probe and explore contemporary Jewish life. Steve Savitsky’s unusually direct and objective approach make this program a refreshing take on the Jewish community’s often challenging role in the world.

This year, Shavuot comes right after Mother’s Day, which should make for an interesting mix. To be completely honest, I will probably be doing a lot of cooking and preparing for the Chag this Sunday so actually celebrating Mother’s Day in a relaxing way might be impossible with all the pre-holiday hustle and bustle. That being said, there are still some interesting ways that we Mother’s can take care of ourselves, utilizing some of our very basic Torah principles.

Here are some of my ideas:

1. Better one who is slow to anger than one with might: (Pirkei Avot)

I have spoken to many moms about why they get angry and it comes down to this: most moms get angry because their standards are too high for themselves. They have unrealistic expectations of what a “good” mom is supposed to do and it is hard to let go of these ideas. This Mother’s Day is  a good time to try to stop doing everything perfectly and let go of all your unrealistic expectations. There is no such thing as a mom who never yells, never gets frustrated or impatient and has perfect children that are well behaved 24/7. Today tell yourself “sometimes, I do a great job taking care of my kids and sometimes I am just an average mom. My kids sometimes are well behaved and sometimes they are not. That is the normal way for kids and moms to be. I am capable of managing motherhood and all the problems that may entail.” Not only will it help you as a mom but it will also help show your kids how to be more relaxed and easygoing.

1. Kol Yisroel Arevim Zeh LaZeh:

Let’s be honest, most moms are worn out from all the things they need to do. Between grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning and getting the kids to and from school and activities, the nearly endless list of chores can be overwhelming. It is tough to train your kids to help out, but it can be done. Responsibility for others and our Jewish community begins at home by teaching kids to be responsible and productive members of their own family. This Mother’s Day do yourself a favor and hold a family meeting. Write all the jobs that need to be done on a piece of paper and put it in a hat.  Let each child know that they need to pick a job for the next day and do it without being reminded.

1. Mitzvah Goreret Mitzvah:

The number one complaint that moms have about their families is that their kids are cranky and unappreciative. As mothers we can have a great influence on the tone of our home. One simple way to increase the simcha and Shalom Bayit in our home is to start off the day on a positive note. Wake your kids up with an upbeat voice, give them a huge smile and then kiss them as they walk out the door. When we start the day in a positive way everyone feels it.

1. Kibud Av Ve’em:

The Torah is very clear that we need to instill the midah of respecting parents and adults in our children. The responsibility falls to us to help teach our children be respectful not just to us, but to the Jewish community as a whole. Try not to let your children be disrespectful to you today. If your child is talking back, tell him in a gentle voice, “I would love to hear what you have to say, can you try telling that to me again with a respectful tone?”  As a parent you have the ability to ask your children to be more respectful.

Let’s spend this Mother’s Day treating ourselves right while using Torah principles to teach our kids how to be productive members of the Jewish community and Klal Yisroel as a whole.

Adina Soclof, MS. CCC-SLP, works as a Parent Educator for Bellefaire Jewish Children’s Bureau facilitating How to Talk so Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids will Talk workshops as well as workshops based on Siblings Without Rivalry. Adina also runs parentingsimply.com. 

Please note: Eileen Goltz is a freelance kosher food writer. The Orthodox Union makes no endorsements or representations regarding kashrut certification of various products/vendors referred to in her articles, blog or web site.

Ya gotta love a holiday that lets you indulge (read: overindulge) in all things dairy. Yes, Shavuot is great, unless, of course, you’re lactose intolerant or allergic to dairy products. For those that don’t handle dairy well, Shavuot becomes just a scramble to find “pareve” stuff that sort of, kinda does, but doesn’t really taste like the real thing.

Every year at this time I get scores of calls, emails and pleas to scour my recipe files and find the best of the best non-dairy recipes that mimic the real thing. Since I’ve got a husband that fits into the first category of dairy intolerant I have bunches of recipes that fit the bill.

Before we get into the recipes I’d like to give a quick shoutout to David Mintz, the creator of Tofutti brand products, without whom most of the following recipes wouldn’t be possible.

NON DAIRY CHEESECAKE

2 (16 ounce) cartons Tofutti non dairy cream cheese

1 (12 ounce) container Tofutti non dairy sour cream

2 eggs, beaten

1 tablespoon lemon juice

1 teaspoon vanilla

3/4 cup sugar

1 graham cracker pie crust

Preheat oven to 350. In a saucepan combine the non dairy sour cream and cream cheese, eggs, lemon juice, vanilla and sugar. Whisk together and stir constantly while cooking for 5 minutes. It will become thick. Pour the filling into the crust and bake for 30 minutes.  Remove from the oven, cool to room temp and then refrigerate for at least 3 hours. Serves 8 to 10

Tip: Can top with non-dairy chocolate syrup, blueberry or cherry pie filling, fresh berries or just serve it plain.

My files, source unknown

WATERMELON ICE

8 cups cubed seedless watermelon

1 cup sugar

4 tablespoons lime juice (divided)

Place half the watermelon, sugar and lime juice into a blender or food processor and process until smooth. Repeat. Pour the mixture into 2, 9X13 pan and place them in the freezer. Stir with a spoon every 30 to 40 minutes until mixture is slushy (2 to 3 hours). Serves 6 to 8

My files, source unknown

CHOCOLATE SORBET

2 1/4 cups water

1 cup sugar

3/4 cup unsweetened cocoa powder

Pinch of salt

6 ounces bittersweet or semisweet chocolate, finely chopped

1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract

In a large saucepan, whisk together 1 1/2 cups of the water, sugar, cocoa powder, and salt. Bring the mixture to a boil, whisking frequently. Let it boil, continuing to whisk, for 45 seconds.

Remove the mixture from the heat and stir in the chocolate until it’s melted, then stir in the vanilla extract and the remaining 3/4 cup water. Place the mixture to a blender and blend for 15 seconds. Let the mixture cool in the refrigerator for 2 hours then place the mixture into an ice cream maker and process according to the machines directions. Serves 4 to 6.

Modified from David Lebovitz’s The Perfect Scoop: Ice Creams, Sorbets, Granitas, and Sweet Accompaniments Epicurious | © March 2007

CLASSIC BLINTZ

2 cup flour

2 cup warm water

2 eggs

1 1/2 tablespoon sugar

Non-stick vegetable spray

Filling:

2 (8 ounce) container cream cheese substitute (Tofutti™)

1/4 cup sugar

2 teaspoons vanilla

3 tablespoons non dairy creamer or almond milk

Non dairy margarine for frying

2 cups fresh berries for topping

In a bowl whisk together the egg and water. Add the flour and whisk to combine. Spray a small skillet with the non-stick skillet with non-stick vegetable spray. Ladle 3 tablespoons of the batter onto the center of the skillet. Immediately spread the batter into a larger circle with the back of the ladle. When batter is almost cooked through, using a large spatula, flip the crepe over to cook for 30 to 45 seconds, and then quickly remove to a plate to cool. Repeat until the batter is gone. Place a piece of wax paper between each crepe when cooling.

In the bowl of an electric mixer combine all the ingredients for the filling and mix to combine and smooth. Place 2 to 3 tablespoons of filling in the center of a crepe and then fold in the sides and then he top and bottom. Place them, seam side down, on a cookie sheet. When they are all filled place a little margarine in the skillet and then fry the blintzes until golden, turning only once. Serve with fresh berries. Makes 12 to 14 blintzes depending on the size.

Modified from about.com

CREAMY CORN SOUFFLE

2 (14 ounce) cans cream style corn

1 (14 ounce) can corn kernels, drained

1/4 cup margarine, melted

1/2 cup sugar

3 eggs

1/2 cup flour

1 teaspoon baking powder

3/4 cup almond milk

1/4 cup water

Preheat oven to 350. Grease a 9 x 13 casserole pan. In a bowl combine the margarine, sugar, eggs, flour, baking powder, almond milk and water. Whisk to combine.  Add the cream style corn and kernels to the mixture. Pour the mixture into the prepared pan and bake, uncovered for 1 to 1 hour and 15 minutes. This will puff up and get golden on top. It will sink after it cools. Serve immediately.  Serves 8 to 10.

Submitted by Marjorie Remorie, NY, NY

NON DAIRY CREAM OF ARTICHOKE AND MUSHROOM SOUP

1 can artichoke hearts, drained and chopped

8 oz sliced mushrooms

6 green onions, sliced

5 tablespoons olive oil

5 tablespoons flour

2 cups soy milk

2 cups water

1 tablespoon powdered vegetable bullion

salt and pepper to taste

In a large saucepan saute the onion and mushrooms in the olive oil until just soft (should take 5 to 6 minutes). Whisk in the flour with the bouillon and cook, stirring slowly for 2 minutes, stirring constantly. Whisk in the soy milk and water. Heat on a low heat and continue whisking until the soup thickens. Add the artichokes and season with salt and pepper. Serve immediately. Serves 6.

Modified from epicurean.com

© Eileen Goltz non dairy13

I love Shavuot. It’s such a happy yuntif (festival)—full of Torah and flowers, learning and family. And it’s our chance to indulge in yummy milchig (dairy) meals that are as lavish and tantalizing as meat fests.  These  wonderful seasonal recipes will make your dairy meals a gourmet’s delight, and will even placate the meat-and-potatoes fans in your family.

Roasted Beets with Honeyed Pistachios

Sweet roasted and topped with goat cheese crumbles, this beautiful side is both soft and crunchy.

Times

Prep Time : 5 min
Cook Time : 1 hour
Ready Time : 1 hour, 5 min

Servings

8

Ingredients

8 medium beets, tops removed and cleaned
3 tablespoons olive oil
½ teaspoon kosher salt
Freshly ground black pepper
2 tablespoons balsamic vinegar
2 tablespoons chopped fresh mint
½ cup shelled pistachios, coarsely chopped
¼ cup crumbled Natural & Kosher Goat Cheese
2 tablespoons honey

Directions

1. Preheat oven to 400°F. Wrap beets in foil and roast until they are tender when pierced with a fork, about 1 hour. Cool to room temperature. Peel and cut into bite size chunks.
2. In a small bowl, combine salt, pepper, vinegar, and mint and slowly add olive oil while whisking to combine.
3. Arrange beets on a serving platter and sprinkle with pistachios and goat cheese. Drizzle with honey and then drizzle with dressing.

After a night of Torah learning, a fresh breakfast hits the spot. This is the time for à la minute fare. In the culinary arts (which always sounded to me like painting with ketchup), à la minute refers to a style of cooking where an item, or particularly its accompanying sauce, is prepared to order, rather than prepped in advance.  You can make elements of this breakfast à la minute, and prep some ahead of time, so you are not at the stove while everyone else is enjoying the yuntif feast.  If you like the idea of à la minuteI have a whole menu of à la minute recipes on JoyofKosher.com, and here is a taste:

Southwestern Frittata

Slice and serve wedges out of this hearty pretty frittata—just divine with a dollop of sour cream and a touch of salsa.

Times
Prep Time : 10 min
Cook Time : 30 min
Ready Time : 40 min

Servings
8

Ingredients
2 tablespoons olive oil
2 large red potatoes, scrubbed and thinly sliced (about 1-pound)
1 small onion, peeled and thinly sliced
1 red bell pepper, thinly sliced
1 clove garlic, minced
10 large eggs
2 tablespoons whole milk
1/2 teaspoon Kosher salt
1/2 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper
1/2 cup shredded cheddar cheese
1/2 cup sour cream
1 cup salsa

Directions
1. Preheat oven to 400°F.
2. Heat oil over medium heat in a 12-inch, nonstick, ovenproof skillet (cover plastic handles with aluminum). Add potatoes and cook 10 minutes or until just tender. Add onions, peppers, and garlic and cook 5 minutes more, or until onions are translucent.
3. In a large bowl, beat eggs with milk, salt and pepper. Stir in cheese. Pour over potatoes and onion and transfer to preheated oven. Bake 15 to 18 minutes or until set in the middle. Loosen edges with a spatula and slide out onto a plate. Cut into 8 slices and serve with sour cream and salsa.

Mini Spanakopita

Spinach and feta wrapped in buttered phyllo dough—need I say more?

Times

Prep Time : 20 min
Cook Time : 30 min
Ready Time : 50 min

Servings

16 triangles

Ingredients

1 tablespoon olive oil

1 medium onion, diced
1 clove garlic, minced
1 bag frozen spinach, defrosted and drained well (10-ounce bag)
1 cup crumbled feta
1 teaspoon ground nutmeg
1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon
6 phyllo sheets, defrosted
1/2 cup unsalted butter

Directions
Heat oil in a medium sauté pan over medium-high heat. Sauté onions and garlic for 5 minutes or until translucent. Transfer to a large bowl and add spinach, feta, nutmeg, and cinnamon and stir to combine.
Take one phyllo sheet from stack and arrange on a work surface with the long side closest to you. Brush with melted butter. Top with another sheet and brush with more butter. Top with one more sheet and brush with butter. Cut stack crosswise into 8 strips.
Preheat oven to 375°F.
Put a heaping teaspoon of filling near one corner of a strip on the end closest to you. Fold corner of phyllo over to enclose filling and form a triangle. Continue folding the strip, like a flag, maintaining the triangular shape. Put triangle, seam side down, on a lightly greased large baking sheet and brush the top with butter. Repeat with remaining strips and filling. Repeat with remaining three phyllo sheets to make 16 triangles total.
Bake until golden brown, 20 to 25 minutes, and transfer to a wire rack to cool slightly.

TIP: Cutting Lengthwise vs. Crosswise
Cutting an ingredient “lengthwise” means to slice it the long way, the length of the ingredient from “pole to pole.” Cutting an ingredient “crosswise” is the exact opposite and means slicing across the short way.

Red Snapper with Asian Noodles

This is a fabulous, refreshing change from the ho-hum fish dinner. And it’s quick too. After you let the fish marinate in a slightly sweet, spicy and citrusy mixture of olive oil, lemon juice, honey, garlic powder, salt and cayenne, you bake it for 15 minutes – and there you have it. Serve with lo-mein noodles spiked with sesame oil, soy sauce, lime juice and lightly pickled cukes.

Times
Prep Time : 10 mins, Chill time 30 mins min
Cook Time : 15 mins min
Ready Time : 25 min

Servings
4 filets and 4 cups noodles

Ingredients
1/4 cup olive oil
1 lemon, juiced
3 tablespoons honey
1 teaspoon garlic powder
1 teaspoon kosher salt
1/2 teaspoon cayenne pepper
4 (6 to 8-ounce) red snapper filets, skin on
1 cup thinly sliced cucumber
1/4 cup rice wine vinegar
2 (9-ounce) packages Gefen lo-mein noodles, cooked, drained and cooled
2 tablespoons toasted sesame oil
1 tablespoon soy sauce
1 lime, juiced
2 teaspoons black sesame seeds

Directions
In a small bowl, combine olive oil, lemon juice, honey, garlic powder, salt and cayenne pepper and whisk. Pour over fish filets in a shallow baking dish and cover with plastic wrap. Marinate for 30 minutes at room temperature or for up to 3 hours in the refrigerator.
Meanwhile, combine cucumbers and rice wine vinegar and marinate for 20 minutes.
Preheat oven to 400 F. Remove fish from marinade and place on a greased baking sheet. Bake for 15 minutes or until fish is flakey and firm.
While fish is baking, in a large bowl, combine cold noodles with sesame oil, soy sauce, lime juice and sesame seeds and toss to coat. Drain cucumbers and add to noodles.
Divide noodle mixture between 4 plates and top each with a snapper filet. Serve warm snapper with cold or room temperature noodles.

Dairy Pineapple Kugel/Dessert

I got this recipe from last year’s Joy of Kosher magazine spotlight on Toby Ash, our Balabusta Next Door. I just turned it up a notch with the addition of my favorite whipped cream cheese.  I am also giving you two for the price of one:  Use the same recipe to either create a nice large kugel or make them in individual ramekins or disposable tins.  After baking, turn them upside down for a Passover Pineapple Upside Down Cake.

These spunky dairy dishes can challenge any fleishig (meat) fare for holiday feasting.  Have a happy and tasty Shavuot!

Savitsky Talks is a weekly 20 minute audio program with interviews and discussions that probe and explore contemporary Jewish life. Steve Savitsky’s unusually direct and objective approach make this program a refreshing take on the Jewish community’s often challenging role in the world.

We live in fraught times; times of anger and fear; times of polarization.  We see this in the politics of our nation and in the discourse by people of faith.   In so many aspects of life, people seem to sullenly retreat into those beliefs, feelings or opinions to which they subscribe, without regard for the dignity and value of those who do not hold their view.

They equate respect and consideration with concession, or with compromise of their fundamental values.

Few men’s lives stood in such opposition to this hurtful and harmful worldview than my dear friend, Donald Butler.   With the passing of one of the giants of the Jewish community, we have all lost a genuine mensch; someone who by his life and example showed us the better way to live.

Donald was a fierce upholder of the values of Orthodox Judaism.  He had served on the Board of the Orthodox Union since the early 1950’s and played an integral role in revitalizing and energizing the organization.  He served as Vice President of the OU’s Central East Region to the mid 60’s; became Vice President  and then continuing to rise in organization, becoming Senior Vice President by the early 1970’s.  He became Honorary Vice President in the early 1980s until 2002 when he retired.

My own relationship with Donald was so much more than professional.  Donald was my neighbor when I served as spiritual leader of Poale Zedeck in Pittsburgh.   It was there that I first came to know Donald’s way with words as he would often act as Master of Ceremonies at many community dinners and functions at the shul.

I can still picture him at his typewriter, honing his prose until it was perfect; determined to make sure that each individual deserving of being honored was honored and that every event received its due with accurate and detailed recognition.

His expertise with words found expression in his role as publisher for many years of This Week in Pittsburgh, which he wrote and edited to perfection, making it a journal we all looked forward to perusing.

He was passionate about the Jewish community and he became involved in every facet of its growth.  And, by “Jewish community” I mean the entire Jewish Community.  Although he was a major Orthodox leader and visionary – indeed, he was one of the five founders of the Hillel Academy, an astonishing commitment at a time when few could dream of successful day school and yeshiva education – he was never judgmental about another’s level of observance.

That was not his way.  He loved the entirety of the Jewish community, from the most observant to the most liberal.  His big heart and all-encompassing soul related to all.   Dr. Solomon B. Freehof, Dean of the Reform rabbinate in his day and rabbi of Pittsburgh’s Rodef Shalom Temple, loved Donald’s company and loved even more to schmooze with this “real Yid.”

His contributions to the Jewish community extended to the larger community as well – an expression of his fundamental “Jewishness” – bordered on the legendary.   He was the enlightened, creative and respected leader of Poale Zedeck where he served as president for many years, served on Federation, Jewish Family & Children’s Service as president.   When Pittsburgh became a major center for liver transplant surgery and we set up accommodations for families accompanying their loved ones for the long hospital stay – Donald and Chantze were our first primary partners, a role they continued to cherish long after we left Pittsburgh … caring, sharing, serving and giving all they needed to countless such families who, long after their loved ones’ recovery, continued to talk about what the Butlers “did for us” .

Donald Butler personified human decency.  Everything about him reflected the highest standards of decency, from his impeccable attire, warm and engaging handshake, embrace and conversation, his gentle rapport, demeanor and smile, to his acceptance of all.  The home that he and Chantze made was open to so many.

“Oh sure, I was there for Shabbos.”

“Oh yes, I stayed for 2 weeks until I found a place to live.”

“I stayed for 4 months while convalescing from surgery.”

Who did not feel his warmth and compassion?  The Shabbos table he presided over and that Chantze set was a model of warmth, dignity, sophistication, kindness, delicacy and pure love.  Just to see the two of them was enough to revive one’s faith in all that is good in the world.  Their 67 year  relationship exuded pure love.  Theirs was a marriage that, had I not seen it first-hand, seemed only to exist in romantic poetry.

Their warmth was apparent to everyone.  One of my daughters, who was only a young child when we left Pittsburgh, told me when she heard of Uncle Donald’s passing that being with the Butlers made you feel love and warmth all around you.

So true.

I cannot recall Donald ever being negative in his tone or his approach.  During the countless meetings I attended with him, I never heard him berate or demean anyone for their views.  His manner was always pleasant, understanding and positive.  That did not mean that he did not have passionately held views and beliefs.   He did.  But he respected and valued every one of God’s creatures, and his manner made his respect clear.

He was the epitome of Kiddush haShem.  A man of genuine goodwill, he was looked up to in all Jewish circles and beyond as a model of how an observant Jew should behave.

While all of us who knew him and met him felt the warmth of his kindness and were made to feel we were part of his family his deepest love was showered on his mishpocha – his love for his four children and twenty grandchildren and forty-five great-grandchildren knew no bounds.  All that he deemed valuable and precious, he gave to them.  And they accepted his gifts gladly, as evidenced by their own love and commitment to the things that were important to him.

He was the best kind of parent, one who parented by example.

But even his love for his children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren burned less brightly than his love for Chantze.  As his across the street neighbor, I often noted that Donald would not leave for “work’ until well after the majority of people had already put in a good few hours at their place of employ.  But he never rushed to work.  He knew all too well that there were more important things in life, like the special time he shared with his Chantze over a beautiful breakfast.  That, to him, was much more valuable than getting to work “early”.  Or the time he devoted to long chats with his brother Abraham, who lived downstairs in the “big house”.

Happy is the man who knows what is important.  And Donald knew what was important.

Reflecting upon his passing, I realize that beyond the rebbeim, teachers and masters from whom I learned  Torah, chesed and more, I was also privileged to learn and absorb so many lessons from my unforgettable,  devoted and generous friend Donald z”l.

The world is a lesser place for his absence.  But we are all enlarged if we can simply embrace the fundamental lessons of Donald’s life and incorporate them into our own existence.

May his memory be a blessing for all of us.

In honor of Jerusalem Day, May 8, 2013

Dark against a bright blue summer sky, the sails of the Montefiore windmill were stamped on every Jerusalemite’s consciousness. Forever fixed, unmoving, stark protrusions on the Jerusalem skyline. Except that now they have moved – and if all goes according to plan, they will go on moving, turning and turning as a real windmill should.

The Jerusalem Foundation has spearheaded the recent flurry of activity surrounding the windmill, removing the sails and dome of the century-old structure in order to restore them to their original size, color, and functionality. The  gray dome and sails, the result of a hasty restoration in 1968, have been replaced with a Kentish-style cap and white canvas sails similar to the originals made by the Holman brothers, millwrights from Canterbury, in 1857. In addition to the original fantail, which allowed the structure to be turned into the wind, a motor provides backup, enabling the newly restored windmill to grind flour regardless of weather conditions. There are even plans to sell the flour in an adjacent tourist facility.

After Sir Moses Montefiore hatched his original plan of providing employment as well as cheaper flour for the Jewish population of Jerusalem, which was living on Diaspora handouts (known as the Haluka, or community stipend), the windmill parts were constructed in Kent and then shipped to Jaffa. There they were loaded onto camels and carefully conveyed over the hills to Jerusalem, where evidently they all arrived intact, to be assembled under the supervision of Thomas and Charles Holman.

Apparently, the rumors that the windmill never functioned properly for lack of wind are only hearsay. The entire cap could be turned and the speed of the sails adjusted to catch the least breath of wind – and to avoid damage by stronger gusts. Fifteen meters high, the windmill was the tallest structure in Jerusalem when it was built, and posed a serious threat to the local Arab monopoly on flour. Fearing that the new windmill would ruin their income, the Arabs even brought in a Muslim holy man to curse it. After the mill withstood the first storms that winter, they concluded – according to the local daily Ha-maggid on 7 Shevat 1859 – that the building was “a work of Satan, who would support it with all his might,” while the Jews “praised it as a gift from the Lord, and blessed God and Sir Montefiore, whose faithful loving-kindness had bestowed it upon them.”

Gazing at the windmill during the strained period leading up to independence in 1948, Alan Cunningham, the last British high commissioner of Palestine, realized that the Jewish paramilitary Hagana had set up an observation post in the Kentish cap. In an operation aptly named “Operation Don Quixote,” he had it blown up. After the fall of the Old City in 1948, the windmill was located on the edge of no-man’s-land, abandoned and sailless. Modern, steam-powered mills had made its technology redundant years before, and it had stood idle since a lack of spare parts had put it out of commission in 1891.

But now the windmill is ready to go again. Five million dollars raised by the Dutch organization Christians for Israel have paid for the new floors, sails, cap, and machinery built by millwright Willem Dijkstra in Sloten, the Netherlands, in cooperation with Dutch construction company Lont and British millwright Vincent Pargeter. The parts were shipped to Israel and reassembled on site.

The interior of the windmill will be divided into the four floors of a traditional mill: the meal floor, where the flour will be collected; the mill floor, housing the actual millstones; the bin floor, where sacks of wheat awaiting grinding will be stored; and on the top level, the dust floor or “engine room.” The exhibition of Montefiore memorabilia previously on display will be replaced by a film describing the building of the windmill and the 19^th-century expansion of Jerusalem beyond the Old City. A project is afoot involving the Konrad Adenhauer Conference Center and Mishkenot Sha’ananim for a new Montefiore exhibition commemorating his trip to Israel and the treasures he bequeathed to the Spanish and Portuguese Jewish community in England. Perhaps it could be funded by the income from the boutique flour produced by the Montefiore windmill.

Reprinted by kind permission of Segula Magazine. For the full illustrated article go to: www.segulamag.com.

Please note: Eileen Goltz is a freelance kosher food writer. The Orthodox Union makes no endorsements or representations regarding kashrut certification of various products/vendors referred to in her articles, blog or web site.

G-d calls the Jewish people a holy nation (Exodus 19:6); we are close to the source of all holiness, G-d Himself. This exhilarating connection is not fixed: Specific actions outlined in the Torah either weaken or intensify our bond. Sin distances us from G-d and cools off our passion for Judaism. In contrast, mitzvot bring us closer to Him and when done mindfully, can fill us with fervor.

G-d chose us to embody the teachings in His Torah and show the world what it means to live elevated lives. Observing the laws in the Torah, keeps spiritual pollution out and nurtures the sanctity of our people. As the morality of the culture around us plummets and temptations reach new peaks, our mission is more difficult than ever. G-d knows this and does not expect perfection. All He asks is that we do the best we can.

We recite daily in the morning prayers, “My G-d, the soul you placed within me is pure.” We need to do whatever we can to safeguard the holy of holies within, our Creator’s priceless gift. Then, we can say to Him with satisfaction and pride, “I have done my best to keep the soul you placed within me pure.” When we lapse, we can restore our purity and begin anew, through the power of repentance.

Answering Moshe Rabbeinu’s call

When Moshe Rabbeinu came down from Mount Sinai and saw Jews worshiping the Golden Calf, he wanted those who had shielded themselves from sin to pledge total allegiance to G-d. He cried out, (Exodus 32:26), “…Mi Lashem Elai!” “Whoever is for G-d, join me!” This was not a onetime plea; he is speaking to each one of us, every day of our lives. He is urging us to flee from sin and cling tenaciously to G-d.

The Vilna Gaon, the renowned eighteenth century scholar, quoted by Rabbi Yechiel Weitzman in his book, The Ishmaelite Exile, discussed the period before the Messiah. He wrote that the number of people who are of average conduct will slowly decrease, until society becomes polarized: One group following the path toward ever increasing connection to G-d, the other, breaking away and sinking to the depths of evil.

A question to ask ourselves, with possibly frightening implications is, “Which group am I in? Am I answering Moshe Rabbeinu’s call or am I among those dancing around the golden calves of our society?”

In the face of indecency, we need to say, “No! I will not be a part of this.” We must flee from sin as if running from a fire. When we make sacrifices to uphold the Torah, we join G-d’s vanguard in ensuring the survival of our people as His holy nation.

We need to be steadfast, never compromising our sanctity, even in the face of great temptation. We must be, “…Mighty warriors, who do His word…(Psalms 103:20),” courageous in standing up for our principles and unrelenting in upholding our values. By doing this, we will be privileged to carry the torch of G-d’s Torah, to hold it up high, at all cost, and light up the world with His grandeur.

Here are four practical steps you can take to preserve or restore your moral purity:

1.    Learn the laws. For example, laws of forbidden seclusion, yichud, and forbidden contact, negiah, keep those who uphold them far away from forbidden relations. The Chofetz Chayim, in his Nidchei Yisrael, outlines what is allowed and what is not. This book is available in English, and can be read for free at www.chafetzchayim.org.

See also chapter 11 in The Path of the Just by Rabbi Moshe Chaim Luzzatto. He has an eye-opening discussion on commandments which many are not fully aware of, including those relating to morality.

Crucial in maintaining our sanctity is filling our thoughts with Torah, studying every day, and asking G-d to help us overcome our struggles.

2.    Use the internet with caution. The internet is perhaps the greatest source of spiritual pollution in our generation. Like fire, the internet can accomplish great good, or can become an inferno causing great harm. Even if by the grace of G-d you are not among those caught in a web of contamination, protect yourself and your family. Allowing access to an unfiltered internet is like leaving a loaded gun lying around your house. It is possible no one will get hurt, but do you want to take the chance?

Philip Rosenthal, an internet safety expert, recommends the internet filter http://www.k9webprotection.com. The filter, while not providing complete protection, is free, easy to use, and keeps a log of all websites visited. The software can also limit internet access to specific times of the day. If you are using this filter for yourself, preferably have someone else set up the password and he or she should periodically review the log of websites visited. One can do this by accessing the program and then clicking on, “View Internet Activity.” To customize the level of protection, access the program, click “Setup” and then “Custom.” An important category to block, among others, is “Web Advertisements.”

A website devoted to this issue and recommended by Rabbi Dr. Avraham J. Twerski, MD is http://www.guardyoureyes.org.

3.    Engage in spiritual spring cleaning. The Torah warns us (Deuteronomy 7: 26), “Do not bring an abomination into your house since you will become accursed like it; you should utterly detest it and utterly abhor it, for it is an accursed thing.” When you’re ready, go through your books, magazines, music and videos; get rid of those which stimulate forbidden thoughts and bring you down spiritually. Women can go through their wardrobe with an eye toward modesty, donating to charity any clothing that’s not appropriate for them.

Staying away from temptation and impurity will enable you to have a closer relationship with the ultimate source of holiness and purity – G-d Himself.

4.    Talk to your kids. Children can be exposed to spiritual pollution in many different venues. We need to do the best we can to shield them and beseech G-d to protect them. Our children should join in this effort and not feel it is us against them. Talk to your children, perhaps read this article with them and go through the above steps. Work together to keep them out of harm’s way. Explain this is a struggle we are all engaged in; while as an adult we are responsible to protect ourselves, as parents we are responsible to help our children protect themselves.

We need to be role models for our children and let them know what we do to safeguard ourselves; we cannot expect them to be more vigilant than we are.

Protecting our moral purity will entail making sacrifices. When we remind ourselves that we are safeguarding eternal souls, we will realize that it is well worth the sacrifice. What could be more important than our souls – our very essence?

Check out Yaakov’s new, free e-book, Living with God: 30 Days to a Fulfilling Life

Yaakov Weiland has an MSW from Fordham School of Social Service and lives in New York City. He has been published in The Jewish Press, Arutz-7and Aish.com. To read his other articles, please visit yaakovweiland.blogspot.com.

This is the live broadcast of the Nachum Segal Network from the Orthodox Union’s 4th Jewish Communities Fair which took place on Sunday, April 21st, 2013. The fair, which had over 1,300 in attendance offered information and resources to families and individuals wishing to improve their quality of life by relocating to affordable Jewish Communities. Attendees met with representatives from 41 communities and learned about resources and programs available to those looking to relocate to growing/thriving Jewish communities outside the Metropolitan area.

The OU’s Job Board also hosted a Resume Check-up which enabled job-seekers employed or not to have their resume reviewed and updated using the newest guidelines by expert writers/resume writers.

Missed the fair? Don’t worry! Feel free to check us out on our website, www.oucommunity.org.

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Excerpted from Rabbi Shmuel Goldin’s ’Unlocking The Torah Text: An In-Depth Journey Into The Weekly Parsha- Vayikra’

Click here to buy the book

Context

In the midst of the Torah’s discussion concerning the festival cycle, immediately after the commandment concerning the Omer offering (a barley offering in the Temple which marks the beginning of the harvest and allows the use of that season’s grain), the following mandate is found:

And you shall count for yourselves – from the day after the Sabbath, from the day you bring the waved offering of the Omer – seven weeks; complete shall they be. Until the day after the seventh Sabbath, shall you count fifty days; and you will offer a new meal offering to the Lord.

This commandment is reiterated in the book of Devarim: “Seven weeks shall you count for yourselves; from the time the sickle is first put to the standing crop, you shall begin to count seven weeks.”

As codified by the rabbis, this mitzva, known as the mitzva of Sfirat Ha’omer, the Counting of the Omer, obligates each Jew to verbally count the days and weeks from the second day of the holiday of Pesach until the first day of the holiday of Shavuot.

Questions

What possible purpose can there be in verbally counting the days and weeks between Pesach and Shavuot?

The Torah offers no explanation for this mitzva.

Approaches

Responding to the Torah’s silence concerning the purpose of Sfirat Ha’omer, classical and contemporary scholars suggest a wide variety of approaches.

A

Most obviously, the Counting of the Omer is perceived by many scholars as an act of linkage between the two holidays that border the mitzva, Pesach and Shavuot. Through the act of counting we testify that the Revelation at Sinai (commemorated on Shavuot) was the goal and purpose of the Exodus from Egypt (commemorated on Pesach). This relationship is established at the outset when God informs Moshe at the burning bush: “And this is your sign that I have sent you: when you take the people out of Egypt, you shall serve God on this mountain.”

On a deeper level, our counting consequently affirms that the physical freedom of the Exodus is incomplete without the spiritual freedom granted by God’s law; a truth mirrored in the famous rabbinic dictum: “No one is truly free other than he who is involved in the study of Torah.”

By counting the days between Pesach and Shavuot, many scholars continue, we also are meant to re-experience the sense of excitement and anticipation that marked this period for the Israelites, newly redeemed from Egypt. Just as we would “count the remaining days” towards an extraordinary event in our personal lives, so too we should feel a real sense of anticipation each year as we again approach the holiday that marks the Revelation at Sinai.

B

Other authorities choose to view these days primarily as a period of “purification from” rather than “anticipation towards.”

By the time of the Exodus, the Israelites have been defiled from centuries of immersion in Egyptian society and culture. Numerous sources, in fact, maintain that they have descended to the forty-ninth of fifty possible stages of defilement and are on the verge of becoming irredeemable. With haste, at the last moment, God pulls the nation back from the brink. The newly freed slaves, however, must now undergo a process of purification before they can encounter God and receive the Torah at Sinai. Forty-nine days – to counter each level of defilement experienced – must elapse before Revelation can take place.

By counting the days between Pesach and Shavuot each year, we remember and mark this refining journey. Just as a married woman monthly counts the days leading to her immersion in a mikva we must count and spiritually prepare ourselves for our reunion with God at Sinai.

Based on this approach, the Ohr Hachaim explains why Sfirat Ha’omer begins each year on thesecond day of Pesach, rather than on the first. The Exodus, he observes, occurs on the first day of the festival. For a portion of that day, therefore, the Israelites yet remain in Egypt and the journey of purification cannot yet begin.

C

In stark contrast to the opinions cited above, a number of scholars emphasize the agricultural, rather than the historical, dimension of the Omer period. Opening the yearly harvest season, these days stretch from the beginning of the barley harvest (marked on the holiday of Pesach) to the beginning of the wheat harvest (marked on the holiday of Shavuot).

As the weather conditions over this period are critical determinants of the success or failure of the entire harvest, the Sforno perceives the associated rituals to be expressions of thanksgiving and prayer. The Omer offering itself, he says, was brought in thanks for the barley harvest. An accompanying korban served as a prayer for future success. The Counting of the Omer represents the daily prayers during this period, while the holiday of Shavuot is celebrated, in part, as an expression of thanks for the grain harvest.

Choosing an eminently practical path, the Abudarham maintains that the Counting of the Omer was meant to counteract a farmer’s inevitable preoccupation with his harvest. Counting the days towards Shavuot would ensure that he would not forget his obligation to travel to Jerusalem for the celebration of the holiday.

Finally, the Maharal finds reference to the global connection between the physical and spiritual dimensions of our lives within the ritual of the Counting of the Omer. We are enjoined to number the days towards Revelation specifically as the harvest season begins, in order to underscore the well-known rabbinic maxim “Where there is no flour, there is no Torah.” Proper Torah study can only take place against the backdrop of a healthy, well-nourished lifestyle.

D

Rabbi Joseph Soloveitchik perceives yet another lesson embedded in the act of Sfirat Ha’omer. The Rav suggests that, in Jewish experience, an individual can perform the act of counting within two realms: the realm of Sfira and the realm of minyan (the root of each of these terms means “to count”).

When you count in the realm of minyan, the Rav explains, all that matters is the attainment of the ultimate goal, the endpoint of your counting. Nine upstanding, righteous men can assemble for a prayer service but, without a tenth, there is no minyan.

When you count in the realm of Sfira, however, things are different. Although you still count towards a goal, each individual unit in the calculation becomes a goal, as well. While someone counting precious diamonds, for example, is certainly interested in the total number of diamonds he has, he also pauses and holds each gem up to the rays of the sun, admiring its unique facets, color and shape.

The act of Sfirat Ha’omer teaches us to “count our days in the realm of Sfira” – to see each day as a goal unto itself.

Too often, we live exclusively goal-oriented lives; moving from accomplishment to accomplishment, from milestone to milestone, rarely stopping to appreciate the significance of each passing day. And yet, when all is said and done, the quality of the journey, in large measure, defines our lives – and the ordinary moments spent with family and friends are as significant, if not more significant, than the milestones themselves.

The Rav’s observation may also be mirrored in two versions of the verbal formula for Sfirat Ha’omer which have developed over the years. Some communities recite, “Today is the —-dayla’Omer (literally “to the Omer”)” while others count “ba’Omer (literally “in the midst of the Omer”).” Taken together, these two versions form the balance that should mark our approach to life. On the one hand, without goals our lives are aimless. We therefore count la’Omer, towards the endpoint of the Omer count. On the other hand, never losing sight of the journey’s value, we also countba’Omer, in the midst of the Omer.

E

A historical overlay, emerging from the first-second century CE, dramatically transforms the days of the Omer from a time of anticipation and celebration to a period of sorrow and mourning. The Talmud relates: “Rabbi Akiva had twelve thousand pairs of students…and all of them died in one period because they failed to treat each other with respect.… They all died during the period between Pesach and Shavuot.”

In commemoration of this tragedy, the rabbis ordained that a portion of the Omer period be circumscribed by laws of mourning. Marriages, other festive celebrations and haircuts are prohibited during the restricted period, the exact computation of which varies according to custom, from community to community.

At first glance, the powerful reaction of Jewish law to the death of Rabbi Akiva’s students seems strange. Jewish history is, unfortunately, marked by a myriad of overwhelming tragedies that do not result in similar halachic commemorations. What makes this event different?

The Talmud explains that the death of these sages, tragic as it was in and of itself, actually resulted in a greater calamity. At a critical juncture of Jewish history, during the vulnerable period following the destruction of the Second Temple, the loss of Rabbi Akiva’s students left the world “desolate” through loss of Torah study. Their death represented a break in the chain of oral tradition at a time when such a rupture threatened the very survival of the Jewish nation. Only Rabbi Akiva’s success in finding and teaching new students “in the south” mitigated the calamitous effects of this tragedy.

This historical overlay placed upon the days of the Omer is clearly neither arbitrary nor coincidental. Both the potential effects of the death of Rabbi Akiva’s students and the fundamental cause of their demise connect directly to the period leading to Sinai.

Revelation marks not only the communication of the Written Law, but the launching of the Oral Law, as well. The rupture in the transmission of that oral tradition, caused by the loss of Rabbi Akiva’s students, threatens the very legacy of Sinai.

Concerning the relationship between the cause of the tragedy and the Omer period, one need look no further than at the teachings of Rabbi Akiva himself. As we have noted, Rabbi Akiva considers “V’ahavta l’reiacha kamocha, Love your fellow as yourself,” to be the most important principle of the Torah. By negating that very principle through their behavior, the students of this great sage contradict the very Torah to which they have otherwise dedicated their lives.

Points to Ponder

A powerfully perplexing mystery arises from the Omer period.

As noted above, Rabbi Akiva emphatically identifies “Love your fellow as yourself” as the most important principle of the Torah. Yet, his students perish because they “fail to treat each other with respect.”

Can it be that one of our sages fails to impart his core belief to his students? The problem would be less glaring had Rabbi Akiva’s students perished as a result of any other sin. But to transgress the very precept that serves as the core of their mentor’s beliefs and practices… How can it be?

Perhaps the issue is one of chronology. We do not know when Rabbi Akiva determines the centrality of the mitzva of V’ahavta. Perhaps he reaches this realization only in sorrowful retrospect, as a result of the tragic loss of his students. Perhaps it is precisely their death which leads their mentor to recognize the emptiness of Torah observance absent a foundation of interpersonal respect.

Or, perhaps, our tradition is referencing an entirely different life lesson through this tragedy – a lesson of overarching significance for us all. The stark inconsistency between Rabbi Akiva’s core belief and the actions of his students may reflect the universal challenge of intergenerational transmission.

I feel that we often make the mistake of assuming that just because something is vital to us, it will automatically be of importance to our children; that the ideas and beliefs that lie at the heart of our worldview are so obvious, they need not be openly stated and taught.

Nothing could be further from the truth…

Our children grow up in worlds different from our own, and within those worlds they form their own personal convictions. The basic foundations that we consider central to our lives are not automatically “givens” within theirs. The deep connection, for example, that we feel towards the State of Israel – in large measure a product of our own life experiences and the experiences of our parents – will not automatically develop in the hearts of our progeny, who are more temporally and emotionally removed than us from the creation of the state.

As we strive to convey critical ideas and principles to future generations, we can make no assumptions of prior knowledge and conviction. We must consciously and actively teach each and every one of the ideas and principles we feel important, through open discussion and deed.

Perhaps Rabbi Akiva fails to teach his students the central value of his worldview precisely because he considers that value to be self-evident. And just perhaps, across the centuries, he teaches us not to make the same mistake.

Sometimes you’re on a culinary deadline and you feel like you just gotta cut a few corners. You try to justify why buying a, gasp, store bought cake is ok when really what you should be doing is utilizing these one bowl recipes that make home made even easier than running to the store.

The following recipes take less than 10 minutes to whip up and clean up. You can make them in an electric mixing bowl or by hand, either way, they are simple enough for a 10 year old with a desire to help in the kitchen to make without supervision freeing you up to do what you do best, 27 things at once.

ONE BOWL WHITE CAKE WITH CREAM CHEESE FROSTING (dairy)

2 cups flour

1 1/4 cup sugar

1 tablespoon baking powder

1 teaspoon salt

1/2 cup butter or margarine, softened

1 cup milk

1 teaspoon vanilla

2 eggs

Frosting:

8 ounces cream cheese, room temperature

8 tablespoons unsalted butter, cut into pieces, room temperature

1 teaspoon vanilla

1 cup powdered sugar, plus extra if the frosting is too thin

Preheat oven to 350. Grease and flour two 8-inch cake pans. In a large mixing bowl sift together the flour, sugar, baking powder and salt.  Add the butter, milk and vanilla and mix to combine. Add the eggs and mix for 2 to 3 minutes to make sure everything is combined (you can do this in the bowl of an electric mixer if you like)

Pour the batter equally into the greased and floured pans. Bake 30 to 35 minutes or until toothpick comes out clean. Cool the cakes in the pans for 10 minutes before you remove them from the pans to cool on cooling racks. Frost when cool.

Cream Cheese Frosting:

In a bowl (I typically do this with a hand held electric mixer in the bowl I made the cake in) combine the cream cheese and butter and mix until light and fluffy, gradually beating in the butter until light and fluffy. Add the vanilla and mix to combine. Slowly add the powdered sugar while beating until you have the consistency you like. You may need to add a bit more powdered sugar if the consistency is too thin.

Submitted by Tanya Montgomery Indianapolis, IN (modified)

ONE BOWL CHOCOLATE CAKE (dairy or pareve)

3 oz. Semi-Sweet Chocolate

6 tablespoons butter or margarine

3/4 cup sugar

2 eggs

1 teaspoon vanilla

1-1/4 cups flour, divided

1/2 teaspoon baking soda

3/4 cup water

Chocolate Glaze

2 oz semi sweet chocolate

1 tablespoon butter or margarine

1 cup fresh berries (your choice blueberries or a mix)

Preheat oven to 350. Grease and flour a 9 inch round baking pan In a microwavable bowl combine the chocolate and butter and microwave on HIGH for approx 2 min. or until butter is melted. Mix by hand until chocolate is completely melted. Add the sugar and mix vigorously until combined. Add the eggs and beat vigorously until blended. Add the vanilla and mix to combine. Add 1/4 cup flour and baking soda; mix to combine. Add in the remaining flour alternately with the water mixing to combine with each addition. Pour into the prepared pan.

Bake 30 min. or until toothpick inserted in center comes out clean. Cool 10 min.; remove from pan. Cool completely on wire rack. In a microwave bowl combine the 2 oz chocolate chips and the butter. Microwave for 30 seconds or until the butter is melted. Mix to combine. Place the cake on a serving plate, drizzle the glaze over the top. You can refrigerate the cake at this point and decorate the top with the berries just before you serve it. Serves 6 to 8.

My files, modified from a BAKERS CHOCOLATE recipe.

ONE BOWL COFFEE BROWNIES (dairy or pareve)

4 ounces unsweetened chocolate, broken into pieces

3/4 cup unsalted butter or margarine

1 3/4 cups sugar

3 eggs

1 teaspoon vanilla

2 teaspoons instant coffee

1 cup flour

1 cup chopped pecans or walnuts or hazelnuts

Preheat oven to 350. Line a 13×9 pan with piece of foil long enough to extend over the ends of the pan. Grease and foil as well as the rest of the pan. In a large microwaveable bowl combine the butter and the chocolate and microwave for about a minute. Remove the bowl, stir to combine and then microwave 20 to 30 more seconds until everything is melted. Mix to combine. Add the sugar, eggs, and vanilla to the chocolate mixture and mix to combine. Add the flour, instant coffee and nuts and mix to combine. Spread the batter into the foiled and greased. Bake for 30 minutes or until a toothpick inserted in the center comes out crumby. Let the brownies cool in the pan for 1/2 hour then gently remove the brownies from the pan using the foil that is hanging over the sides. Serves 8

Modified from a BHG recipe

ONE BOWL VERY VERY BANANA BREAD (dairy or pareve)

4 ripe bananas

1/4 cup melted butter or margarine

1 egg

3/4 cup sugar

1 1/2 cups flour

1/2 teaspoon baking soda

1/4 teaspoon salt

Preheat oven to 350.  Grease and flour a loaf pan and set aside. In a large bowl mash the bananas then add the remaining ingredients. Mix to combine.  Pour the batter into prepared loaf pan..Bake for 55 to 60 minutes (it will be very golden brown on top) or until a toothpick inserted in the center comes out clean.  Cool for 30 minutes and then remove the loaf from the pan. Cool on a cooling rack until room temperature. Serves 6 to 8.

Many times at my lectures and seminars, I ask members of the audience for examples of aerobic exercise.  The majority of the time, the first answer is running or jogging.  When we hear the word fitness, we conjure up images of people running hard and sweating profusely.  We often think of top finishers in marathons crossing the finish line.  As beneficial as running is (and I used to put in more kilometers a week running than you can imagine), it has its down sides also.  The amount of effort needed to both build up to being a runner and to maintain running is significant. But the risk of injury to a runner is many times greater than many of the other forms of aerobic exercise. Running is an extremely efficient way to stay aerobically fit and yields fantastic results, but it isn’t for everyone.

Two studies were released a few weeks ago showing that many of the great benefits of running are also true of walking—we just have to do it a little bit longer.  Aerobic exercise most days of the week is vital to our health and wellbeing. This is independent of the need to lose weight.  It makes no difference if a person is overweight, ideal weight, or even a little underweight, cardiovascular exercise will keep you healthy, enhance your quality of life and hopefully keep you out of the doctor’s office.  We know that it reduces blood pressure, reduces the risk of heart attack and stroke, increases your good cholesterol and decreases total cholesterol. Aerobic exercise decreases body fat stores and increases aerobic work capacity.  You will have increased heart function, reduction in mortality in post heart attack patients and it prevents type 2 diabetes. It even lowers the risk of dementia and Alzheimer. The risk of osteoporosis, gallstones and peripheral vascular disease will be decreased.  It lowers the risk of falls and 12 kinds of cancer.  Aerobic exercise is the single best predictor of not gaining back lost weight and it helps prevent lower back pain. In short, there is immense benefit and just about no down side.  And now we know that even enough moderate exercise like walking can do the trick.

According to Paul Williams, PhD, of Lawrence Berkeley National Laboratory in Berkeley, Calif., and Paul Thompson, MD, of Hartford Hospital in Hartford, Conn, spending the same amount of energy either running or walking yielded similar reductions in the risks of high blood pressure, high cholesterol, diabetes, and coronary heart disease. Analysis of two large cohorts suggested that runners usually expend about twice as much energy as walkers and therefore reap greater health benefit. (Williams and Thompson reported online in Arteriosclerosis, Thrombosis and Vascular Biology). “The more the runners ran and the walkers walked, the better off they were in health benefits,” Williams said in a statement. “If the amount of energy expended was the same between the two groups, then the health benefits were comparable.” “Walking may be a more sustainable activity for some people when compared to running,” he added. “However, those who choose running end up exercising twice as much as those who choose walking … probably because they can do twice as much in an hour.”

Walking and running use similar muscles and similar motions.  What is different is the intensity.  But walking for more time and longer distances compensates for the lesser intensity. If you would run for 30 minutes, you might have to walk for 50-55 minutes to get the equivalent result.  You can choose to walk anywhere instead of driving or using public transportation.  And you can certainly get off the bus or train a stop or two earlier to get in 10 more minutes of walking.  Are you the type to drive around the block 10 times to find a close parking space or can you park three or four blocks away and walk a little more (and save time!).

Obviously even within the walking, some intensity is needed.  A Shabbos stroll isn’t what we have in mind, but again, just moderate intensity as long as you put in your time can do the trick.  Speed is one way to get the proper intensity, but going up hills or stairs is another.  Start at a comfortable pace, walking as though you are slightly late for an appointment. Use the “talk test.” If you can’t say your name three times in a row, you are pushing too hard. You should aim for a minimum of 3.5miles per hour (5.6 kph). For those of you who may want to work up to a power walk, you will want to eventually reach 4.5 mph (7.2 kph) or more. The recommended minimum time for walking is 30-40 minutes; however, if you are a beginner, start off slowly and gradually build up to that amount.

Maintain good posture while you are walking and look straight ahead. Swinging your arms will increase your caloric burn greatly, but make sure your arms are going in a forward direction and not crossing in front of you. A good, sturdy pair of walking shoes is essential. Typically, shoes need to be replaced about every 400-500 miles of walking.

The two biggest complaints people have that lead to not exercising are time and money.  Walking is free and you can fit it into your day.  Do it enough and achieve great health benefits.  You don’t have to run in order to lower your risks of high blood pressure, high cholesterol, diabetes, and coronary heart disease.  And of course you will “add hours to your day, days to your year, and years to your life.”

Alan Freishtat is an A.C.E. CERTIFIED PERSONAL TRAINER and a LIFESTYLE FITNESS COACH with over 17 years of professional experience. He is the co-director of the Jerusalem-based weight loss and stress reduction center Lose It! along with Linda Holtz M.Sc.  His web site - www.loseit.co.il

In this week’s Parsha- Kdoshim, it says:

“Speak to the entire congregation of the children of Israel and say to them: You should be holy, because I, G-d your G-d, am holy. Every person should fear his mother and father, observe My Sabbaths, for I am G-d your G-d”

It seems as if being holy is somehow tied with the mitzvah of Kibud Av Veem (honoring one’s parents).

According to Wendy Mogel, Blessing of the Skinned Knee, encourages modern parents to teach children to respect them.

“Your children will only accept your guidance and heed your advice if they respect you. In fact, it’s fair to say that if you don’t teach your children to honor you, you’ll have a very hard time teaching them anything else.”

It is only when we have commanded the respect of our children that we can teach them our values our morals and ethics. If they don’t respect us then it will be very hard for them to listen to us. We are the first authority figures that they meet, the next ones are there grandparents, teachers, coaches and eventually their bosses.

Kids need help learning to reign in their behavior now so that they can learn to manage later on. It may seems as if they want to be allowed to do whatever they want, but it does not bode well for them down the line if we do not put our foot down.

It is interconnected though. Kids will only accept limits from those that they respect and that needs to be learned from parents.

This can be very tricky for modern parents, especially when they are dealing with an argumentative child.

Here are 2 simple ways to handle your argumentative child:

1. Don’t talk when you are angry:

If you have problems keeping your cool when your child argues with you then your best bet is not to say anything but, “I am going into the other room to cool down.” Then walk away. Some kids like to get a rise out of their parents and that is why they argue. Walking away, does not let them draw you into a fight which is what they want most. It is the best way to take the wind out of their sails. It also helps you maintain your dignity and command respect.

When you have calmed down you can say, “Now I am ready to talk. Can you tell me what you need in a respectful tone?” If he can’t then just repeat the above process.

It takes a while to train kids, but it can be done.

2. Answer a question with a question:

Many times children ask questions when they argue. They use this technique as a way to wiggle out of the limits parents set for them. They can say,
“Why can’t I play on the computer? Why do you have to be so strict?”

Questions sometimes are effective in getting parents to change their mind and retract the rules that they have set for their kids. Kids know it. They love a good debate and some kids can argue for hours, using questions ceaselessly. It can wear down the resistance of the most patient of parents.

The best way to handle this type of arguing is to reflect your child’s feelings and gently turn the question back to them:
You can say,
“It sounds like you’re annoyed with having to turn off the computer. Why do you think it is time to turn it off? What is it about computers that makes it a privilege not a right?

This technique is a soft way to let kids know you are going to stick to your rules that you have set. Most parenting experts have found that kids feel more safe and secure when parents are firm about their rules. Although kids will fight long and hard, they do not want to win the arguments that they have set in motion. When kids see that you mean business they will learn to stop fighting the family rules. They will learn that arguing does not work.

Handling argumentative kids takes a strong parent but it will help you help your child carry on the mission of the Jewish people. You can only be holy if you start off by respecting your parents.

Adina Soclof, MS. CCC-SLP, works as a Parent Educator for Bellefaire Jewish Children’s Bureau facilitating How to Talk so Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids will Talk workshops as well as workshops based on Siblings Without Rivalry. Adina also runs parentingsimply.com. 

The moment 12 year old Shoshie Stern’s extended family heard about her tragic passing, they dropped everything and made their way to South Florida to be with their family.  Grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins all descended upon the Stern home to cry and to lend a shoulder.

Shoshie’s recent birthday was certainly celebrated and marked by her immediate family, however a Bat Mitzvah party in her honor had not yet been planned.  Coordinating everyone’s schedule proved a formidable challenge.  When this grandparent could come, the other couldn’t be there. When this aunt and uncle were free, others already had commitments.

At the Shiva, Shoshie’s mom, Denise, looked around the room filled with family and friends and remarked to Yocheved, “It’s such a shame, in the end everyone found a way to all be here together.  I only wish it was for a simcha.”

Whenever I am asked for advice about traveling to attend a family simcha when it is inconvenient, ill-timed, or expensive, I always say the same thing.  If it were a funeral would you find a way to go?  If we would drop what we are doing and make extraordinary efforts to be there for a tragedy, why not take those same measures to be there to celebrate a simcha?  Life is way too short, the future is too unknown.  Take advantage of every single opportunity to be with family in moments of joy before needing to be there for moments of grief and sadness.

Shoshie’s passing brought together our entire community with a sense of unity, the likes of which I have never felt.  Rabbi Rabovsky, Rabbi Gibber, and I worked closely and intensely to plan, coordinate and organize all that needed to be done.  The over-1,000 people in attendance came from all three Shuls.  The students who came that day attend a variety of different schools.  And for those few hours we stood together, members of an integrated and united community, undivided as one.

Why does it take the death of a 12-year-old girl to bring us all together?  Surely there are events, programs, commemorations, or speakers for which we can gather even more people with a sense of unity and cohesiveness.  Why must it take tragedy to make us feel as one?

Earlier this week, the bombing at the Boston Marathon shook our entire nation.  As we watched fellow Americans mourn and grieve, we all felt their pain, identified with their fear, and associated with their anger.  All over social media people simply said, “Today, we are all Bostonians.”  Indeed, even the Red Sox arch rivals, the Yankees, hung a sign outside their stadium with the team logos side by side and the words “United We Stand.”

Why should it take three deaths and hundreds of injuries for us to feel a sense of patriotism, wherever we may live?  Why should it take a city under siege for every American to feel a sense of kinship and affiliation with one another?  Why should it take graphic images of death and injury to feel a sense of empathy and concern for other human beings?

When the bombs went off at the finish line, remarkably, there were people who ran towards the smoke instead of away from it in order to see how they could help.  In doing so they risked their lives not knowing if there would be any further explosions.  They did so instinctively and intuitively out of an incredible sense of wanting to help.  In another display of resolve and determination, there were individuals who, after completing the 26.2-mile marathon, ran another 2 miles to the hospital to donate blood.

The Ramban writes that the purpose of a nisayon, a test, is to help bring our latent potential into reality (ko’ach el ha’poel).  When backed into a corner, pressed against the wall or in a terrible bind, we find capacity that we had never fully realized before and may not have even known we have.  Just last week in Oregon, two teenage girls saved their father’s life when they lifted a 3,000-pound tractor off their father’s chest.  If asked to lift a tenth of that, they likely would say it’s impossible.  However, when faced with no other option, they discovered strength they never knew they had.

Let’s not wait for another tragedy.  Let’s not wait for a family funeral to travel, when we could see our family at the next simcha.  Let’s commit to come together as a greater community with a sense of unity, for no other reason than simply because we should.  Let’s not wait to be tested in order to realize the strength that we’ve had all along.

From Pesach to Shavuos – The Journey from Love to Relationship

“Falling in Love”

Without the mystery of attraction, you would never get married. Most likely, you would scrutinize the other person to no end. Unless you had no say in the matter of spouse selection or are extremely logical and emotionless, some form of attraction, not necessarily physical, must be present.  We have to “fall in love” so that we can be blinded by all of the reasons we should not get married. (While some of these terms have been abused by society, I preferred to view them as a feeling of connection that draws us to another person or a “click.”) How else could you have the emunah (faith) to commit to spending the rest of your life with someone you barely know? I often find that one of the reasons some people have a hard time getting married is that they are too caught up with their wish list, that they are unable to experience another individual. While this is not a license to make a foolish decision and marry anyone you seem to get along with, you will usually not be drawn to just anyone once you get to know them a little bit. Remember that Hashem is m’zaveg zivugim. He is the one who brings the couple together, regardless of logic, because they have a purpose, to become more whole and complete people.

So, we get married and then, all of a sudden, things aren’t like they were when we first met. What did we get ourselves into? We would have been better off single! If we would have only married someone else! This is not the person we thought we were getting! Sound familiar? This is much like when we left Mitzrayim. Only days after experiencing miracles upon miracles, we start second guessing ourselves, expressing betrayal, and hoping for the good old days. The luster of the lightening quick (b’chipazon) period that led up to the wedding has worn off. The problem is that we forgot about why Hashem took us out in the first place.

On the Road Towards Relationship

When Hashem first appeared to Moshe and said that “when you take the people out of Mitzrayim, you will serve G-d on this mountain” (Shemos 3:13), Rashi explains that the purpose of the Exodus is to receive the Torah. It is more than just “Let My People Go,” it is to truly be in a committed relationship to Hashem. Similarly, in a marriage between husband and wife, our initial encounter, the yetzias Mitzrayim, worked in bringing us together, but as the Arizal explains, all of those spiritual illuminations on the night of the Exodus were immediately removed the next day. It is not until after the fifty-day process of Sefiras HaOmer that we re-receive those illuminations at an even higher level on Shavuos, zman matan Toraseinu.

Shavuos is dependent on Sefiras haOmer. The Torah only tells us the date of Shavuos in the context of Sefira  (Vayikra 23:16, Devarim 16:9-10). In order to get back to the connection we experienced in the beginning of our relationship and give it permanence, we must work on our relationship. Marriage is the perfect opportunity for tikun hamidos. More than just a positive spin on dealing with conflict, it is l’chatchila the reason the two of you were brought together. The very challenges and frustrations you experience in your relationship are necessary to elicit growth. A sociable and outgoing wife wishes her homebody husband would liven up. The husband wishes his wife would give him some space. This situation will replay itself and tension will build until they can engage in a mature and conscious dialogue. After learning tools to relate and manage conflict and develop understanding and compassion, both parties are usually moved to grow towards each other. In doing so, they not only meet their spouse’s need; they become more complete and balanced people and more connected to their spouse. Through working on your relationship you will once again reach those feelings you first experienced for your spouse, yet now they will be real, stronger, and more permanent.

The Pesach-Sefiras HaOmer-Shavuos process is a helpful model for couples to understand how relationships work. Most of us get lost soon after marriage, nevuchim hem baaretz. Realizing that the initial excitement in marriage is transient and can return through hard work, helps ground couples as well as provide them hope. While the power struggle is inevitable in any relationship, a conscious marriage and real love is attainable.

Rabbi Shlomo Slatkin is a licensed counselor and Certified IMAGO Relationship Therapist. He is an author  and international lecturer on relationships. www.theRelationshipRabbi.com

Stephen Savitsky talks to Shaindel Simes about how her family adjusted after the crippling accident.

Savitsky Talks is a weekly 20 minute audio program with interviews and discussions that probe and explore contemporary Jewish life. Steve Savitsky’s unusually direct and objective approach make this program a refreshing take on the Jewish community’s often challenging role in the world.

Deciding to leave everyone and everything you know for the unknown requires a compelling reason. On the outside our life in a large Northeastern city was ideal: my husband Asher and I had great friends, access to several synagogues, an abundance of kosher services, and once a month we’d head to Lakewood, NJ or Manhattan to visit friends and avail ourselves of the bounty found there. We attended religious classes and our children Leah, 5, and Aryeh, 4, attended a small, local preschool. But there was something missing.

Our two-bedroom, one-bath apartment was feeling cramped with active children, and more so when we had guests over or the snow outside made escaping from the four walls difficult. So we began our exciting next chapter, house hunting! Our realtor was helpful, but seeing the houses in our price range within the eruv (a boundary of overhead wires that makes possible carrying on the Sabbath) was disheartening — many were no better than the apartment we were wishing to upgrade from. Houses are not necessities, so we consigned ourselves to waiting and saving until the right one came along.

The next wakeup call came in the form of a tuition agreement. Our children were outgrowing the small preschool they had attended for two years and were ready to attend the local Jewish day school. We had heard others talk about the rising cost of Jewish education, but it wasn’t until we were faced with $20,000 combined tuition for our four-and-five-year-olds did we get what the fuss was about. It’s possible to attend a year of college for less than $20,000! Our “house fund” would be toast.

All of this collided on a cold, slushy, wintry day in 2011. It was my husband who saw the ad for the Orthodox Union’s Emerging Jewish Communities Fair. We went almost on a lark. We both had jobs, friends, and a comfortable life. But going into Manhattan and checking out the Fair would be a fun adventure at the very least.

Meet Me at the Fair

Upon arrival, the first thing that struck me was the sheer number of people willing to consider leaving for one of the 37 “emerging” communities. There were communities twenty minutes outside of Brooklyn displayed next to communities below the Mason-Dixon Line. It was comforting to see the many options to choose from and that we were not alone in our frustration.

With two small children in tow we could not leisurely stroll and soak up the sights — we needed a game plan. First, we’d only approach communities with better weather than the Northeast; we’d had enough of the cold! Second, we’d ask about the cost of housing in the Jewish community; if it was the same or more as where we were, it would be “Thanks but no thanks.” Third, we wanted to know what the tuition was at the Jewish school(s). There was too much we loved about our community to consider moving unless the new place could beat it on these three issues we deemed deal breakers.

Table after table we waited for our turn for the printed handouts, scanning glossy poster boards, shaking hands with rabbis, community members, teachers, synagogue presidents, and even a local Mary Kay representative. We’d ask our three questions, and depending on the answer, ask a few more. We had surprises, like finding out that Jacksonville, Florida had a thriving Jewish community.

After the Fair we quickly put together a plan for a pilot trip to one of the communities we liked. When we got there, it was a whirlwind of house hunting, restaurant sampling and family vacation rolled into one. The houses were enormous compared to the same price range in the Northeast. The number of restaurants was modest but the amenities made visiting fun and definitely sweetened the community’s standings in our mind.

The pilot trip really galvanized our plans from the theoretical to the eventual. It made it all seem more real. When I lost my job just before Passover, it was the last straw. We had to leave; one salary would make day-to-day living difficult, never mind saving. So we formed a plan and prepared for our next community visit. Our destination: Jacksonville! The night after Passover ended, as soon as we dried the last of our holiday dishes, we packed up the car and drove south.

Jacksonville, Here We Come!

Yonit displays carrots from her garden.

Fifteen hours later we found ourselves admiring the palm trees, marveling at the sunshine when we’d left a season more lion than lamb. We’d found a hotel within the local synagogue’s eruv, got the name of a realtor, and our search began. When someone mentioned that we were looking at the “more expensive” part of the neighborhood, I was embarrassed by the laugh that escaped before I could stifle it. Expensive in Jacksonville was below the average in the Northeast, and the square footage difference was astounding. We saw big beautiful houses with back yards unheard of up north.

We found the Jacksonville community to be friendly, with a nice mix of young families like us, and more established families as well. There was also a spectrum of different levels of observance. During our time visiting we were invited for meals for both Shabbat and weekday and made time to see the beach.

Something we had to adjust to was the difference in the food stores. We’d become accustomed to the convenience of a kosher butcher, baker and candlestick maker. The supermarkets in Jacksonville don’t have ready-made kosher sushi, rotisserie chicken, or kugel pudding to go. But our wallets and our waistlines would be healthier without the convenience foods. Kosher items can be found at every mainstream supermarket in Jacksonville. The price difference between houses and schooling more than made up for the markup we saw on chicken.

Asher, Leah and Aryeh play on the street where they live.

The choice was clear. By moving to Jacksonville we received financial freedom, a warmer climate and a beach within driving distance! We purchased our first house, a true dream house. We enrolled the kids in the local Torah Academy, and joined the library, the Jewish Community Alliance, the synagogue and its Sisterhood, the Federation’s Young Leadership, a martial arts gym, and a knitting group (or two). In truth we became completely enmeshed in the community and we love it! We appreciate the warmth of weather and personality we’ve experienced here.

This year Jacksonville will be returning to represent the community at the Fair, on April 21 in New York.  Perhaps we will be having some new neighbors in a year or so! What we would tell them is that we may lack certain amenities, but what we do have in this lively Jewish Community of Jacksonville is special, appreciated, and growing.

Jacksonville returns to the OU Jewish Communities Home and Job Relocation Fair on Sunday, Apr, 21, 2013, among many other close-knit and warm communities. Join us and learn about affordable housing and tuition; lucrative job opportunities; synagogues, day schools and yeshivot; and kosher stores and other communal resources. Register today here or by calling 212.613.8300–and obtain discount parking vouchers, an event tote and a chance to win an iPad

I just saw a picture of the Richards family, a family that has been torn apart by the senseless bombing at the Boston Marathon. My heart breaks for them.

Photo Credit: Bloomberg

As a Jew, it seems too eerily familiar. We have a long history of picking up pieces after our families have been torn apart. The Holocaust, the Intifada, the Fogels. The antisemitism that aggrieves us in all its forms.

My husband and I were discussing the Yom Ha’atzmaut (Israel’s national independence day) celebration at our son’s school. At first we both felt that it should be somewhat subdued because of the Boston bombings.

On second thought, I felt, no, we should continue our celebration with the same fervor. Every year on Yom Hazikaron we relive Israel’s tragic history, all the lives lost for our State. Every year it ends with a celebration of Israel’s existence on Yom Ha’atzmaut. The fact that we can celebrate after so much loss is a miracle within itself. But it is the ultimate sign of hope, resilience, courage and promise for the future.

We offer to you the people of Boston, that hope can come after tragedy. You can be be resilient, courageous and strong even when it seems so bleak. Yes, we have lost our loved ones, and yes, we have been down, but we can pick ourselves up again; we can celebrate life and all the blessings that we have.

Our blessing to you, all who were affected by the Boston bombing, is that you will find the strength to rise from the ashes.

Adina Soclof, MS. CCC-SLP, works as a Parent Educator for Bellefaire Jewish Children’s Bureau facilitating How to Talk so Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids will Talk workshops as well as workshops based on Siblings Without Rivalry. Adina also runs parentingsimply.com. 

Please note: Eileen Goltz is a freelance kosher food writer. The Orthodox Union makes no endorsements or representations regarding kashrut certification of various products/vendors referred to in her articles, blog or web site.

I am an avowed peanut butter and jelly fan. Grew up with the sandwich, made it for my kids and still eat it for lunch or dinner at least once a week. I could discuss the merits of grape versus strawberry jam and toasted versus non-toasted and throw in an opinion on whether the best way to cut it is vertically or diagonally and never miss a beat.

It was only after I had lunch with a very precocious seven-year-old who informed me that a PB&J was, and I quote, “boring” that I decided to take my run-of-the-mill concoction and turn it into something spectacular.

The following recipes are all variations on a theme, and while not exactly the same as wolfing down a sandwich with a glass of very cold milk, I can guarantee you’ll never look at those familiar jars quite the same way again.

Note: Use whatever flavor jelly or jam you like best in any of the recipes.

PB&J SOUFFLE (dairy)

1/2 cup milk

1/4 cup creamy peanut butter

1 1/2 tablespoons flour

1/4 cup sugar (plus extra to sprinkle in ramekins)

1/2 teaspoon vanilla

2 egg yolks

4 egg whites

pinch of salt

pinch of cream of tartar

1 1/2 cups sliced strawberries

1 tablespoon sugar

Preheat the oven to 400 before you begin (the oven must be ready to go when you put the soufflés in or they will not rise).

In a bowl combine the strawberries and sugar and mash to combine. Refrigerate until ready to serve.

In a saucepan combine the flour and milk and whisk to combine. Add half of the sugar (about 1/8 of a cup) and heat, at a simmer, until the sugar is dissolved. Add the peanut butter and whisk for 2 to 3 minutes until combined and creamy. Remove the mixture from the heat. In a small bowl combine the egg yolks, salt and vanilla and whisk to combine. Add the yolk mixture to the peanut butter mixture and whisk to combine. Set aside.

In the bowl of an electric mixer combine the cream of tartar and egg whites. Beat until foamy, then slowly add the 1/8 cup of sugar while it’s beating. Beat until the egg whites are thick and foamy and slightly stiff.  By hand, gently fold the beaten whites into the peanut butter mixture. Bake for 13 to15 minutes (DO NOT open the oven door while it’s cooking until it’s done as it will fall.) Serve the soufflés with the strawberries. Makes 4 soufflés.

Submitted by Raine Worster of Chicago, IL; modified from epicurious.com.

PBJ CAKE (dairy)

This cake is really rich so small pieces are best.

1 package (about 18 oz.) strawberry cake mix
1 cup strawberry jam
1 2/3 cups peanut butter chips
2 tablespoons milk
1/2 cup whipping cream

In a bowl prepare the cake mix as per the directions on the package for two 9-inch layers. Cool completely then slice each layer in half horizontally to form two layers (a total of 4 layers). Place one layer on serving plate; spread 1/3 cup jam over top. Repeat with remaining layers, ending with plain layer on top.

In a saucepan combine the peanut butter chips and milk. Bring to a simmer, stirring constantly, until chips are melted and mixture is smooth. Cool until slightly thickened. In the bowl of an electric mixer whip the whipped cream until stiff peaks form. In thirds blend in the peanut butter mixture. If too thin, cool slightly then spread on the sides and top. Refrigerate. Serves 12.

Modified from southerncooking.com.

PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY TIRAMISU (dairy)

1/2 cup creamy peanut butter

8 ounces cream cheese at room temperature

1 1/4 cups powdered sugar, plus more for dusting

1 teaspoon vanilla

1 cup whipping cream

1/2 cup raspberry jam

2 tablespoons sweet white wine

14 ladyfingers

4 cups raspberries

shaved chocolate, for topping

In the bowl of an electric mixer combine the peanut butter, cream cheese, powder sugar, vanilla and 1/2 cup whipping cream and mix until smooth (3 to 4 minutes). Add the remaining 1/2 cup cream and beat until creamy, about 2 more minutes. (Do not overbeat.)

Whisk the jam and wine in a small bowl until smooth. Spoon about 3 tablespoons of the jam mixture into a 9×5 loaf pan. Cover with half the ladyfingers, arranging them lengthwise. Brush the top of the lady fingers with half the remaining jam mixture. Spread half the peanut butter mixture over the ladyfingers. Top the peanut butter cream with 2 cups of raspberries then place the remaining ladyfingers on top of the berries. Brush the ladyfingers with the remaining jam mixture and spread the remaining peanut butter cream on top. Cover with plastic wrap and refrigerate at least 8 hours. Uncover the tiramisu and top with the remaining 2 cups raspberries and shaved chocolate. Dust with powdered sugar. Serves: 8-10.

Modified from heatovento350.blogspot.com.

PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY MARSHMALLOW COOKIE (dairy)

Butter cookies

Marshmallows

Raspberry jam

Chocolate glaze:

12 ounces semisweet or milk chocolate

3 tablespoons oil or butter

1 cup powdered sugar

2 to 3 tablespoons milk or cream

Place 16 cookies on a cookie sheet with waxed paper or parchment paper. Spread a thin amount of jelly on top of the cookie. Place a marshmallow on top of the jelly.

In a bowl combine the powdered sugar and milk and mix until combine. It should be a bit thick. Set aside.

In a microwave bowl combine the chocolate chips and oil. Heat for about 30 seconds and stir. Repeat until the chocolate and melted. Combine the chocolate and powdered sugar mixture and mix to combine. Spoon the chocolate topping over each cookie and marshmallow to coat. Refrigerate until the chocolate coating has firmed up. Makes 16.

PEANUT BUTTER AND JAM BAR (dairy or pareve)

1 1/2 cups flour

1/2 teaspoon baking powder

3/4 cup smooth peanut butter

3/4 cup (packed) brown sugar

1/2 cup soft butter or margarine

1 egg

1 teaspoon vanilla

3/4 cup grape jelly or other jelly or jam

2/3 cup coarsely chopped salted peanuts

Preheat oven to 350. Line 8X8 metal baking pan with heavy-duty foil. Leave a 2-inch overhang around edges so that when the cookie is done you can remove it from the pan. Grease the foil.

In a bowl combine the flour, baking powder, and 1/4 teaspoon salt and set it aside.

In the bowl of an electric mixer combine the peanut butter, sugar, and butter or margarine and beat until smooth. Add the egg and vanilla and beat to combine. Add the flour mixture and mix just to blend.

Place half of dough in the pan and refrigerate the remaining dough. Press into the bottom of the pan. Spread the jelly over the dough in the pan. Take the remaining dough and break it into small pieces and place them all over the top. Sprinkle the chopped peanuts over the top.

Bake for 30 minutes then remove from the oven to cool to room temperature. Using the foil hanging over the side to lift the bars from pan. Peel off the foil and then place the bar on a cutting board. Cut into 16 squares.

Can be made 3 days ahead.

Modified from bonappite.com.

PBJ MINI PIE (dairy)

Crust:

2 cups flour

1/4 teaspoon baking powder

1/4 teaspoon salt

3/4 cup cold unsalted butter

1/4 cup cold cream cheese, cut into cubes

2 tablespoons buttermilk

Filling:

1/4 cup crunchy peanut butter

1/4 cup raspberry or strawberry jam

Glaze:

1 egg, lightly beaten

1 tablespoon milk

Sugar to dust the top

Preheat oven to 400. In a bowl of a food processor combine the flour, baking powder and salt. Pulse the processor once to combine.  Add the butter and cream cheese and process until crumbly. Add the buttermilk and pulse one or two times just until the dough forms. Place the dough in a resealable plastic bag and refrigerate at least 4 hours.

Place the dough on a floured surface and roll out to about 1/4 inch thick. Cut out twenty-four 2-1/2 inch rounds (you’ll need to roll out the dough a few times). Fill the center of 12 of the rounds with the peanut butter and jelly.

In a small bowl combine the egg and milk and whisk. Brush the edges of the circle with the egg mixture. Place the remaining 12 dough rounds on top of the prepared rounds and, using a fork, crimp the edges closed. Place the rounds on a parchment paper covered cookie sheet. Brush the remaining egg mixture over the top. Sprinkle a little sugar over the top. Cut a small slit in the center of each circle. Bake for 12 to 15 minutes or until golden brown. Makes 12.

My files, source unknown.

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Eileen Goltz is a freelance kosher food writer. She graduated from Indiana University and the Cordon Bleu Cooking School in Paris. She lectures on various food-related topics across the U.S. and Canada and writes weekly columns for the Chicago Jewish News, kosher.com and OU Life. She is the author of the Perfectly Pareve Cookbook (Feldheim) and is a contributing writer for several publications. You can visit Eileen’s blog by clicking Cuisine by Eileen.

Dear Family,

Yes, you are family. On one level, all of humanity is part of one extended family.

And we, unfortunately, tend to feel this most when confronted with a tragedy.

And yesterday, we were hit.

Each of us.

The closer we were, the more we felt it.

I, like many, was shocked and horrified. Again.

I am reminded of two realities:

1) Evil exists. And people are capable of expressing that evil without discrimination.
2) We are connected. And we don’t even need to know one another to suddenly connect.

Yet, it is because evil exists that expressions of love, goodness, kindness, concern, benevolence, altruism and the like are virtues.

Because when we choose goodness, we become tov - good. Like God.

And if we choose to destroy and harm, we become rah - evil. Not Godly.

All other times, we are in a state of potential.

So I can say Tehilim (psalms), comfort others, and do my part here in Boston.

And I can feel joy and grateful that the Jewish People have a Home, our Home, called Eretz Yisrael.

And I can invite others to share in the beauty of Jewish living which puts all of life’s events and experiences into a context where we can feel close to Hashem.

With Blessings,

Rabbi Shmuel Miller

Rabbi Shmuel Miller has served as Regional Director for New England NCSY since 2003. Rabbi Miller also provides communal support opportunities in Greater Boston, for parents, couples, and individuals. Over the course of his 10 years in New England, Rabbi Miller has been a sought after speaker for communities, schools and universities including Maimonides, Gann Academy, Brandeis, MIT, BU and Tufts.

In Part 1, we discussed the main issues that hold people back from losing weight.  Here, we talk about self-acceptance when a person really reaches a dead-end in his or her weight loss journey,

It’s always wise to make every attempt to be healthy. But we also must be accepting of what we have, and that applies whether we have reach the end of our weight-loss journey or not.

A recent article by Ellen Goldman M.Ed. caught my attention in which she emphasizes that humans have been concerned with appearance and physical attractiveness throughout history. However, as of late, it seems as if normal concerns have morphed into obsession.  The media portrays thin and attractive individuals as wealthier, happier, more successful and carefree than those who are not. And, unfortunately, the way that we perceive our bodies is largely influenced by our perception of how we stack up against those media ideals, as well as against our peers.

Poor body image not only decreases general life satisfaction and happiness, but it can also be potentially deadly if it spurs severe eating disorders or steroid use. Making a targeted effort to improve body image for ourselves and loved ones is a smart, even life-altering, thing to do.  But how?

Goldman suggests the following tips to boost your body image:

• Find one thing to compliment yourself on every day.   Often, when people are asked to come up with something they like about themselves, they focus on physical attributes. However, try to think beyond your appearance, to your uniqueness as an individual.  Take pride in things such as being a dependable employee, a great mom, or a reliable and caring friend.
• Wear clothing that fits well and makes you feel great. If you’re bothered by the size on the label, cut it out!  Too-tight clothing can be unflattering. But on the other end, dressing in baggy apparel in an attempt to hide your body will end up making you feel and look frumpy. Wear whatever makes you feel pleased with your appearance when you look in the mirror.
• Exercise.  Studies show when individuals begin an exercise plan, they report increases in confidence, self-esteem and a decrease in negative body image even when overweight or obese.
• Nourish your body with foods that will keep it functioning well so that you can do the things you love to do.  Think healthy, not skinny!
• Thank your body with some pampering for the great job it does carrying you through the myriad of tasks you do on a daily basis. Massages, scented body lotions, and warm baths will have your body and your mind feeling great.
• Every time you receive a compliment, write it down in a journal.  If you’re having a rough day, take your journal out and relive that warm, fuzzy feeling you got when you first received that compliment.
• Don’t join in the complaint brigade.  When your friends start bemoaning their bodies (and you’ll surely hear it at some point), don’t commiserate and join in with mutual complaints and put-downs.  Find something about their personality to compliment, and genuinely share what you find best in them.
• Stop negative self-talk immediately.  When you catch yourself slipping into negative self-talk (e.g. my thighs are so big, I hate my stomach, my nose is crooked and ugly, etc.) stop immediately.  Counter balance that thought with a loving one. Would you say such critical things to your best friend? Of course not! It’s time to become your own best friend and treat yourself with kindness and respect.
  
• Experiment with mind-body exercises. Many people report that activities such as yoga, Tai Chi and dance make them feel more connected and loving toward their bodies. Try out some classes at your local gym or studio and find something that resonates with you.
• Ask your friends and loved ones what they enjoy most about you.  I bet no one will mention anything related to your body–just your personality and nature. How we behave and interact with others is what makes us who we are, not the shape of our bodies.
• Explore and appreciate your personal strengths.  We each have our own strengths and talents.  When we share them, we impact the lives of others and make the world a better place.  People don’t care what shape your body is in; they just appreciate the gifts you share.
• Take stock and marvel at what your body is capable of doing, no matter what size it is.  Write down all the things your body can do that bring you joy.  Your legs carry you from place to place and up and down stairs.  Your arms allow you to hug your loved ones or lift your child.  Your stomach digests the food you eat, and your eyes allow you to see the world around you. Cherish these things as often as you can and remind yourself how lucky you are to be alive.
• Who do you look up to, admire, or seek as role models?  Make a list of what it is about them you value.  I guarantee it’s what inside, not what you see on the outside.
• Consider throwing the scale away.  If you find yourself stepping on and off the scale numerous times a day and letting it affect your mood, throw it out!  The number on the scale is fickle and can change drastically depending on your most recent meal, hydration, menstruation, and even the weather.  When making lifestyle changes to lose weight, measure your progress by the way your clothing fits, tape measurements, or most importantly, how you feel.  If you do step on the scale, do so only once a week, at the same time of day each time, dressed in the same clothing.  The scale is simply an educational tool that lets you know if your habits are helping you reach your goals or if they need to be adjusted.

The road to a healthy body image can be a long one, especially if you have been struggling with poor body image for years. However, by taking deliberate steps to stop the toxic negative self-talk, it is entirely possible to be content—even happy!—with the way you look, at any size.

By surrounding yourself with positive thoughts, friends, and images, you’ll be one step closer on the road to body bliss.

To sum up, we must make sure we are doing everything we are supposed to do in order to lose weight.  Watch the portion distortion, and make sure your exercise program includes both aerobic and muscle building exercise.  Sleep, water consumption and managing your stress properly are also integral to successful weight loss.  Don’t do things that are radical and harmful to your health in order to lose weight—they will only backfire.  And at the end of the day, weight loss is not the only factor in your health.  Come to terms with your image!  

Where health and Torah meet: Join us for the 5th International Jewish Medical Ethics Conference and see what the fuss is about: “It was the most exciting learning experience that I have ever attended.” “There wasn’t a person whom I spoke to who didn’t rave about every aspect of the programming.” Reserve your spot today.

Alan Freishtat is an A.C.E. certified personal trainer and a lifestyle fitness coach with over 17 years of professional experience. He is the co-director of the Jerusalem-based weight loss and stress reduction center Lose It!, now offering free testing for FOOD ADDICTIONS. Visit Lose It!‘s website at www.loseit.co.il or contact Alan at alan@loseit.co.il.

There are two complaints I have heard fairly regularly about Orthodoxy. I have even heard both of these complaints from the same people, even though these complaints are logically mutually exclusive.

The first complaint is that we heap stringency upon stringency so that the halacha (law) ends up resembling nothing like what the Torah intended:

“What do you mean I can’t hang my wet clothes opposite the furnace on Shabbos? That’s not cooking!”

“Why can’t I eat rice on Passover? It’s not chametz (leavened food)!”

“Why shouldn’t we listen to recorded music during the Three Weeks? The rabbis couldn’t have meant that because it didn’t exist!”

The other complaint is that we contrive loopholes to get around halacha on a technicality or some legal fiction:

“An eruv (line circumscribing an area)? That’s just a loophole to carry on Shabbos!”

“Selling your chometz before Pesach? That’s just a dodge to avoid doing what the Torah really says!”

“A siyum (meal celebrating the completion of a volume of Torah study) during the Nine Days? That’s just a trick so you can eat meat when you’re not supposed to!”

So, which is it? Do we make things unnecessarily hard on ourselves or do we conspire to avoid our responsibilities? Logically, it can’t be both!

There are no doubt some who object to certain stringencies or certain leniencies based on philosophical differences. And there are also no doubt some people whose opinions are formed because the halacha conflicts with how they’d like to act. But I’m sure there are others who would object to things less if they had a better understanding of how halacha actually works.

Let’s use eruv as an example. The idea that running a string around a neighborhood magically turns a public domain into a private domain seems ridiculous – largely because it is. What many don’t understand is how an eruv works and where the idea originated.

When it comes to the laws of Shabbos, there are more than two types of domain. In addition to the public domain and the private domain, there’s the makom patur (“exempt area”) and the carmelis. The carmelis is a gray area, a kind of quasi-public domain. Most people cannot easily distinguish between a carmelis and a full-fledged public domain, so in the time of King Solomon, it was instituted to treat these outdoor areas alike. There was an exemption, however. By setting up a series of virtual “doorways” in the form of verticals (the poles) and a horizontal (the string), we are again permitted to carry in a carmelis. So, really, all an eruv does is restore our ability to carry in an area originally permitted by the Torah, which was rabbinically prohibited as a safeguard to the sanctity of Shabbos.

This phenomenon of “exemption-built-into-the-restriction” occurs in many places. When a yom tov (festival) falls on a Friday, we do not cook on that day for Shabbos unless we have already begun our Shabbos preparations. We do this by putting aside a cooked item and a baked item in what we call an “eruv tavshilin.” Is this a trick or a ruse? Not at all. The Torah originally permitted us to cook on yom tov for Shabbos. The rabbis prohibited this as a safeguard to the sanctity of yom tov. But once again, they built in an exemption: “unless one started his Shabbos preparations before yom tov.”

One more example: As a first-born son, I attend a siyum on erev Pesach, as the alternative is to fast. Again, this is not a loophole; it’s part and parcel of the law as instituted. “Firstborn sons may not eat on the day before Passover,” the rabbis instituted, “unless they participate in a festive meal like a bris, a pidyon haben, or a siyum.”

You’ll notice that all of these examples include an aspect of stringency (don’t carry, don’t cook, don’t eat) and an aspect of leniency (unless you make an eruv, an eruv tavshilin, or a siyum). So is Judaism too restrictive or too permissive? Maybe it just is.

The Talmud tells us (Chullin 44a) that one might follow either the school of Hillel or the school of Shammai, so long as he does so consistently. If one follows the leniencies of both schools, that makes him a wicked person, caring only to follow the path of least resistance. And if one should follow the stringencies of both schools? That would make him a fool.

Moderation is key. We see this in many places. Maimonides famously speaks of the “middle path” (Hilchos Deos 1:4). According to this principle, a person should be neither too miserly, nor too loose with his money. He shouldn’t be a glutton, but he shouldn’t deprive himself. One shouldn’t be too easily angered, nor should he be an emotionless automaton. By this logic, one should not be completely stringent, nor completely lenient. There’s a time and a place for each of these.

Sometimes we prohibit a permitted activity as a safeguard to prevent violating a Torah law. This is why we don’t blow shofar (a ram’s horn) when Rosh Hashana falls on Shabbos. As important a mitzvah (commandment) as shofar is, invariably, someone somewhere is going to end up carrying a shofar through the public domain. It’s better for all of us to act passively when it comes to blowing the shofar than for some of us to actively transgress the laws of Shabbos.

On other occasions, we may split hairs and permit things on a technicality that would otherwise be prohibited. An example of this would be the pruzbul, a document instituted by the sage Hillel that transfers one’s debts to beis din (the Jewish court) so that they might be collected during the sabbatical year. You see, personal debts are canceled every seventh year. People in Hillel’s day had stopped lending to the needy out of fear that they would not be able to collect. By means of the pruzbul, the poor would be able to borrow and the lenders were assured they’d be repaid. The situation was not ideal but it was necessary because people were not acting charitably.

Each of these pieces of legislation was deemed necessary by our sages based upon the needs of the situation. Sometimes that means being lenient and other times it means being stringent.

A man once complained to Rav Chaim Soloveitchik ztz”l about Jewish law being too stringent. He asked for the rav to grant him some leniency. “All right,” the rav responded. “According to halacha, we’re not allowed to fast on Rosh Hashana. I grant you special permission to do so.” (Technically, that’s a leniency!) Ultimately, all people are unique and everyone has his or her own baseline. What you or I consider “normal” may seem “lenient” to one person and “stringent” to another.

Halacha is not about leaping straight for the most stringent or the most lenient position. It’s about experts making an informed analysis of a situation and deciding upon the best course of action within the Torah’s framework – even though that decision may fall to the left or the right of what you or I might have decided given our limited understandings. As was the case with the schools of Hillel and Shammai, what’s important for us is to select appropriate rabbis for our personal lives and, having done so, to follow them consistently. That way, we’ll actually enjoy a more well-rounded Judaism – which certainly beats being wicked or a fool.

Rabbi Jack Abramowitz is Torah Content Editor at the Orthodox Union. He is the author of five books, including The Tzniyus Book. His latest work, The Taryag Companion, is available from OU Press as well as on Amazon.

Shavuot is the ultimate holiday of transformation, exemplified by Ruth, who radically transformed herself from a Moabite to a Jew. The following exchange offers a glimpse of one couple’s transformation from assimilation and intermarriage to becoming an Orthodox Jewish family living in Efrat, Israel, the place where Ruth found her home among the Jewish people.

Dear Harold,

It’s Sunday morning. Growing up, Sunday morning meant going to church with my parents. When we met, Sunday morning meant getting through the music for three services at a mega-church. Even not so long ago, Sunday morning meant conducting the church choir and playing organ in Walpole.

This is not one of those Sunday mornings. I’m nervous as we get into the car together, distracting myself by asking if you took along the new transformer action figure for Micah and the doll for Ilana. I know they’ll like them. Sometimes bribery can be more effective with children than the most well-reasoned explanations.

As we pull into the mikveh (ritual bathhouse) parking lot, panic overtakes me. Not for what’s about to happen, but because we might be spotted. Everyone drives by here. They’ll see our car. They’ll wonder why, since women make their monthly trip to the mikveh at night, our car is sitting here on a Sunday morning.

Deep breath. I can’t worry about any of that now.

As you take Micah and Ilana to another room, Tova, the community’s rebbetzin, flashes me her warm smile and embraces me. I realize how much Tova has been an anchor for me. Ever since I began studying with Rabbi Hyman, I always knew I could call Tova about anything, ask her questions about anything, confide in her about anything. As important as Rabbi Hyman has been, I now see how much responsibility for the community sits on the shoulders of the rabbi’s wife.

Tova and I are together as I pace the floor, awaiting the grilling by the Beit Din. Finally, the door opens a crack and they ask me to come in.

I quickly realize my nervousness was unnecessary. This Beit Din is every bit as thorough as the Beis Din I encountered in Boston, but the similarities end there. So many questions, so much discussion – but all with a sense of warmth and compassion.

I honestly cannot remember much of what transpired. My hour with them remains a jumbled blur in my mind. All that stands out now is Rabbi Weisfogel’s smile and one question he asked me about my singing as an Orthodox Jew, given some of the issues.

Rabbi Weisfogel was born in Ireland, and before World War II studied in the famed Mir Yeshiva in Poland, probably the greatest yeshiva in the world at that time. He escaped Poland just ahead of the Nazis and sought refuge in Shanghai for much of the war.

The rabbis ask me to step out of the room for the longest ten minutes of my life. When they invite me back, I hear their hearty “Mazel Tov” through a fog, followed by their request that I get ready for the mikveh down the hall.

All this preparation – it’s taken years. And now it comes down to this. I descend each step of the mikveh, feeling the water touch my feet and begin to envelop me as I continue down. My eyes take in the white and blue tiles on every side, and I feel the warmth and comfort of this moment surround me.

My feet settle on the floor beyond the last step, three-quarters of me cocooned in the water. I prepare to immerse, conscious that all of me, down to the very last hair, must be covered by the water.

There is only the water – for a brief moment, it is as if nothing else exists. Then I come up, my face hitting the air, jarring me back into the world. I begin to say the blessing for immersing, and when I start to fumble, Tova helps me through it. Then, down into the water two more times. Tova’s job is to make sure I immerse fully. She smiles and yells to the rabbis in the next room, “It’s good!”

And then I say the Shehechiyanu blessing:

Blessed are You, Lord our God, King of the Universe, Who has given us life, has sustained us, and has brought us to this time.

I woke up this morning simply as Gayle Berman. I’ve now ascended from the waters of the mikveh reborn as Avigail Shira bat Avraham. Avigail connects to Gayle. I chose Shira as my second name because it means “song.” And “bat Avraham “ – daughter of Abraham, the appellation given to all converts because we trace our spiritual lineage directly back to Abraham, the first Jew.

But I don’t think I feel different. I realize now that I already felt Jewish on the inside. The mikveh was a confirmation of what I’ve already become.

Love,

Gayle

Dear Gayle,

A part of me says this must be a dream. I grew up in a Reform temple. When I met you, I could barely struggle through the Hebrew alphabet, never mind having a clue about what was inside the Hebrew Bible. I went to services on Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur and craved lobster the rest of the year. When I met you, you were Minister of Music in a church many times the size of the Monroe Temple, working for a pastor who has since gone on to advise churches around the country how to become mega-churches. We were married by a Justice of the Peace. We said we wouldn’t have children.

It’s no dream. I couldn’t have begun to dream up any of this when we were married 16 years ago, not even in the wildest recesses of my imagination.

How to understand by what turns of fate it came about that you are an observant Jew, I am an observant Jew, and we are an observant Jewish family. We could just as easily have remained childless. We could just as easily have been sitting together this morning in a Texas mega-church. We could just as easily have a yours-mine-ours situation with church, synagogue, Christmas trees and menorahs wrapped into one not-so-tidy package. We could just as easily have walked away from all religion, touting the ersatz freedom of a life with no strings attached.

But today, it is those possibilities that seem unimaginable. Today, destiny is shouting “observant Jewish family” and nothing else.

But now is not the time to reflect – a big part of the day still beckons. We did manage those two more dunks in the mikveh – you with Ilana and me with Micah – and now we can say everyone in the family is officially Jewish. That transformer action figure and the doll gave them a very positive outlook on the whole thing.

But I can’t wait until 6:00 this evening. For at that moment, there will be no more double life – just an Orthodox Jewish family on the inside, on the outside, to everyone. I like the idea that we now need to get married in a Jewish ceremony – it affirms this long trip we’ve taken together.

I wish we could get married in Springfield, with all our friends cheering us on. But I can’t imagine telling everyone that, well, actually, we haven’t exactly been a Jewish family, but now we are, and would they please come to the wedding. Some secrets are best left alone – at least for now.

So we’ll get married in front of perfect strangers in Newton. It could be worse.

In the meantime, the rest of the day has turned out a bit lighter than its profound beginnings. It would have been nice if someone had reminded us before last night that you need a veil and that we need a plain wedding band for the ceremony, unlike what we bought when we got married the first time.

But had we known earlier and had more time to shop, we wouldn’t have experienced what it’s like to buy a wedding band in the Walmart jewelry department. Nor would we have been so resourceful as to search for a veil among the racks of Halloween costumes at Marshall’s. If anyone should comment on the ring or veil, I think I’ll just say they’re family heirlooms.

Ok – until 6:00. Sixteen years ago, I was blessed to marry a wonderful woman named Gayle. Today, I am blessed to marry Avigail Shira bat Avraham.

Love,

Harold

We’re counting down to ma’amad har Sinai (the historic revelation). Will you re-accept the Torah this Shavuot? Will you be born again?

This has been excerpted with edits from Doublelife: One Family, Two Faiths and a Journey of Hope, an inspiring story of the Jewish tradition’s capacity to move souls and to change lives. Gayle was the Minister of Music in a Texas mega-church and Harold was a secular Jew from New York. Doublelife is true-life story of finding love, transforming the spirit, and overcoming seemingly insurmountable odds.

Intermarried and interested in Judaism? Trying to find your place? Join the conversation. Join the community at J-Journey.

Harold Berman is an author whose writing has appeared in the Boston Globe, New York Jewish Week and The Jerusalem Post. He was the Executive Director of the Jewish Federation of Western Massachusetts. Harold graduated from New England Conservatory of Music and received his law degree, cum laude, from Boston College.

Gayle Berman is an internationally acclaimed singer and has performed leading roles with companies such as the Rome Festival Opera, San Antonio Opera, Boston Academy of Music, and with members of the Boston Symphony Orchestra. Gayle has also served on the voice faculties of several colleges and universities. Gayle and Harold are now raising their family in Israel.

Steve interviews Yocheved Debow about this critically important subject, and how you can approach it with your children.

Savitsky Talks is a weekly 20 minute audio program with interviews and discussions that probe and explore contemporary Jewish life. Steve Savitsky’s unusually direct and objective approach make this program a refreshing take on the Jewish community’s often challenging role in the world.

Please also make sure to read Answering the Tough Questions: Parenting Experts Weigh In for more advice on talking about sexuality with your children.

Steve interviews Dave Rosner about cracking jokes to such a “tough” crowd.

Savitsky Talks is a weekly 20 minute audio program with interviews and discussions that probe and explore contemporary Jewish life. Steve Savitsky’s unusually direct and objective approach make this program a refreshing take on the Jewish community’s often challenging role in the world.

To read more about Dave Rosner and other Orthodox Jews in comedy check out Kosher Comedy: The Rise of the Orthodox Comic in Jewish Action!

Steve Savitsky interviews CJ Kramer about his company, KolRom Multimedia, and the power of humor to teach people lessons.

Savitsky Talks is a weekly 20 minute audio program with interviews and discussions that probe and explore contemporary Jewish life. Steve Savitsky’s unusually direct and objective approach make this program a refreshing take on the Jewish community’s often challenging role in the world.

In the New York Times a few weeks ago there was an article done about Marshall Duke a psychologist at Emory University. He was asked to explore ritual and myth in American families. What he has found is that children who know a lot about their families and their histories tend to do better when they face challenges. “The more children knew about their family’s history, the stronger their sense of control over their lives, the higher their self-esteem and the more successfully they believed their families functioned.”

Duke and his colleagues used the “Do You Know” measure that they developed themselves to test children’s knowledge about their histories.

Some of the questions were as simple as:

“Do you know where your grandparents grew up? Do you know where your mom and dad went to high school? Do you know where your parents met? Do you know an illness or something really terrible that happened in your family? Do you know the story of your birth?”

The more answers the child knew correlated greatly with the child’s emotional health and resilience.

They also studied different types of family narratives and found that the most helpful and valuable one was the “oscillating family narrative,” like the following:

Dear, let me tell you, we’ve had ups and downs in our family. We built a family business. Your grandfather was a pillar of the community. Your mother was on the board of the hospital. But we also had setbacks. You had an uncle who was once arrested. We had a house burn down. Your father lost a job. But no matter what happened, we always stuck together as a family.

I could not get this article out of my head as we headed into Pesach. I was struck with the thought that the Jewish people have this down pat. Our children know their family histories through the stories that we tell over and over again when we teach them the stories of Tanach. We have the ultimate “oscillating family narrative.”

Over Pesach, I read Rabbi Jonathan Sacks’ Haggadah.  With the idea of the oscillating family narrative in mind, the following paragraph stood out for me:

Not by accident is the Book of Genesis largely about families and marriage: Adam and Eve, Noah and his household, Abraham and Sara, Isaac and Rebecca, Jacob, Rachel, and Leah. Knowing the Bible as well as we do, we rarely if ever stop to consider how strange this is. But it is strange to the point of being unique. Every other literature until modern times…is about epic heroes, gods or demigods, figures of legendary strength and power. The stunning originality of the Book of Genesis is that its heroes and heroines are ordinary people in ordinary situations, made extraordinary not by their power but by their loyalty to one another and to God.

But an even more powerful example of the Jewish “oscillating family narrative” may be the Haggadah. Rabbi Sacks says that although the majority of Jews may not have access to a Torah class or may not have learned Torah, many have a strong connection to Pesach and will make sure that they join a Seder, thereby hearing the story of Yetziat Mizraim, the Exodus from Egypt.

He maintains that the Haggadah and the Exodus story has had overarching impact on the Jewish people and Western society as a whole. It has social, political and religious implications far beyond the actual story. He also suggests that the Haggadah and story of the Exodus has sustained the Jewish people and made us strong and resilient, like no other Biblical story with its themes of freedom, might does not make right, and social justice.

Arami Oved Avi and more particularly, Vhi She’amda are just two examples of the Haggadic liturgy that talks about how the Jewish people endured through so many trials and tribulations.

This is what has stood by our fathers and us! For not just one alone has risen against us to destroy us, but in every generation they rise against us to destroy us; and the Holy One, blessed be He, saves us from their hand!

Go forth and learn what Laban the Aramean wanted to do to our father Jacob. Pharaoh had issued a decree against the male children only, but Laban wanted to uproot everyone – as it is said: “The Aramean wished to destroy my father; and he went down to Egypt and sojourned there, few in number; and he became there a nation – great and mighty and numerous.”

It seems as if modern day psychologist are just finding out something that we have known for thousands of years. Can it be that the Jewish people have had a monopoly on the “oscillating family narrative” with our Torah? What other nation has a “history book” that they retell every year? This can certainly be one of the many reason this why Jewish families are known for their strength and are often impervious to challenges other families may have.

Let us continue telling the stories of our own personal struggles and how we overcame them and the trials and triumphs of the Jewish people to our children to keep them strong and emotionally healthy and up to the challenges of every day life.

Adina Soclof, MS. CCC-SLP, works as a Parent Educator for Bellefaire Jewish Children’s Bureau facilitating How to Talk so Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids will Talk workshops as well as workshops based on Siblings Without Rivalry. Adina also runs parentingsimply.com. 

Meet him! Stephen Savitsky talks to Eli Lebowicz about being hilarious on demand.

Savitsky Talks is a weekly 20 minute audio program with interviews and discussions that probe and explore contemporary Jewish life. Steve Savitsky’s unusually direct and objective approach make this program a refreshing take on the Jewish community’s often challenging role in the world.

The answer is yes if you are Ruchama Feuerman. Steve Savitsky talks to Ruchama about her “novel” career.

Savitsky Talks is a weekly 20 minute audio program with interviews and discussions that probe and explore contemporary Jewish life. Steve Savitsky’s unusually direct and objective approach make this program a refreshing take on the Jewish community’s often challenging role in the world.

An alternative approach. Steve Savitsky talks with Vanessa Brookes.

Savitsky Talks is a weekly 20 minute audio program with interviews and discussions that probe and explore contemporary Jewish life. Steve Savitsky’s unusually direct and objective approach make this program a refreshing take on the Jewish community’s often challenging role in the world.

Introducing: parent volunteer programs. Steve Savitsky talks with Yaakov Goldstein.

Savitsky Talks is a weekly 20 minute audio program with interviews and discussions that probe and explore contemporary Jewish life. Steve Savitsky’s unusually direct and objective approach make this program a refreshing take on the Jewish community’s often challenging role in the world.

It’s frustrating.  You’ve refined your eating habits and you have begun walking every day.  You have cut out some of the higher calorie foods that you used to eat regularly.  You really need to lose about 20 pounds and as your health is at stake, you have every incentive in the world to succeed.

You drop a few pounds.  And then no more.  You’re stuck.  It just won’t come off.   All this work, time and effort and no results.  It can be maddening and you begin to wonder if you should just return to your old habits; this clearly isn’t working anyway.

What’s really going wrong? And why?  And let’s see what the great benefits are to living healthy even when the weight won’t go down.

From the diet point of view, the single biggest reason people don’t lose weight on their food plan is Portion Distortion–not fully understanding the size of what one portion of any single food is.  Also, a good dietician or nutritionist will be able to see if your ratio of protein to carbs is appropriate for you, because everyone is a little different in that area.  Even people that make the switch to eating healthfully have to realize that you can gain plenty of weight eating healthy food if eat too much. Yes, you can become overweight on a diet of brown rice, fish, fruits and vegetables if you eat enough.  And yes, it may not be healthy, but you can lose weight while eating pizza and hamburgers.

From the exercise and activity side of the equation, the culprit is usually the intensity of the exercise routine.  I have seen many, many people who tell me they are walking daily, but when I place them on a treadmill to see how the pace of their walking is, it becomes obvious that the walking they are doing isn’t intense enough to burn a reasonable amount of calories.  Also, many people are extremely focused on the aerobic portion of their exercise program but all but ignore the muscle-building aspect and therefore never get their metabolic rate higher.  Hence, they may be burning more calories while they are exercising, but they aren’t getting the constant and consistent higher rate of calorie usage when at rest.

Are you active other than exercising?  Are you walking from place to place instead of using your car or a bus?  Are you taking stairs instead of elevators?  Do you have an opportunity to garden or play some leisurely sports?  Can you park your car a little further from your destination than you might normally?  All of this adds up over the course of a year and leads to many additional pounds lost in the long term.

Then there are the other issues of that contribute to weight loss (or lack thereof) aside from calories consumed and calories used.  Are you sleeping well at night?  If you aren’t getting enough sleep and quality sleep, it negatively affects your metabolism.  Do you drink enough water each day?  In addition to the other negative effects of dehydration, a slower metabolism is also a result. And finally, if you are stressed beyond normal limits, this will also cause your metabolism to lag.

There is one last thing to check out.  Have a blood test to see how your thyroid function is doing.  A slow thyroid (known as hypothyroid) will make weight loss a very frustrating experience.   This is usually easily dealt with by an endocrinologist.  Once thyroid function is brought to normal levels, you will probably see better results for all of your efforts.  This situation is not very prevalent, but some type of thyroid issue does affect 12% of the population.

It is crucial to remember that every person’s body has its own personality.  Some people will lose weight at a more rapid rate, others slower.  It doesn’t make a difference as long as the trend is correct and the weight is coming off.  It doesn’t matter if it takes three months or three years to get to your goal weight, as long as you are moving in the right direction.

What happens when you have done everything suggested and your weight still won’t go down?  First of all, it is important to remember that everything you are doing will help you when you look at it from a health perspective.  Even without weight loss, proper exercise and proper eating can help you prevent and control diabetes, help you with your blood pressure, cholesterol levels and your overall well-being.  Exercise is the closest thing we have to the magic pill of health. Remember that lack of exercise and activity, regardless of your weight, is the number one risk factor for many illnesses.  Eating well, especially including plenty of vegetables and fruits in your diet, can prevent heart disease and most cancers.

Too much emphasis has been placed on weight loss alone.  And to this extent, people have done some very unhealthy things just to lose weight while sacrificing their health.  They go on radical diets that reduce calories too much so they don’t get proper nutrition.  They eliminate entire categories of food and don’t get adequate vitamins and minerals.  They go on diets that cause loss of muscle and water more than fat weight. Some are left severely constipated and increase their risk of kidney stones and osteoporosis.  Many can be protein deficient or vitamin deficient.  Some develop eating disorders in order to lose weight.  When we concentrate on our health, weight loss will follow.  Keep the emphasis on healthy habits—eating properly with portion control and exercising, and everything else that is supposed to happen will follow.

Most importantly, we must become more accepting of who we are.  Some of us just will not get down to an ideal weight. Even if we will, we need to feel good about who we are every step of the way.  We don’t only become “good” once a specific number appeals on a scale.  In Part II, we will discuss some concrete ideas of acceptance what we have and who we are.

Where health and Torah meet: Join us for the 5th International Jewish Medical Ethics Conference and see what the fuss is about: “It was the most exciting learning experience that I have ever attended.” “There wasn’t a person whom I spoke to who didn’t rave about every aspect of the programming.” Reserve your spot today.

Alan Freishtat is an A.C.E. certified personal trainer and a lifestyle fitness coach with over 17 years of professional experience. He is the co-director of the Jerusalem-based weight loss and stress reduction center Lose It! Visit Lose It!‘s website at www.loseit.co.il or contact Alan at alan@loseit.co.il.

If your Seder (ceremonial Passover dinner) looks anything like the typical one, you likely have young kids fighting over giving every single d’var Torah (words of Torah) they prepared in school, adults offering technical and complicated vortelach (Torah thoughts), someone napping on the couch after drinking the four cups too zealously, and more than one woman complaining that she spent most of the Seder in the kitchen and missed the whole thing.

Is this an authentic picture of what the rabbis really had in mind when they instituted an evening with family and friends designed to nostalgically recall the miracle of leaving Egypt and our journey to freedom? I think not!

It is abundantly clear from countless sources that the purpose of the evening is not simply to ramble through the text of the Haggadah (text recited at the Seder) or to compete for who has the most to say. The entire format of the Seder supports the goal of the evening, which is, at its core, to simply have a conversation.

Indeed, Rav Chaim Soloveitchik suggests that this format is what differentiates the mitzvah (commandment) to speak about Yetzias Mitzrayim (the exodus) on Seder night from the mitzvah to remember it every single day. The rest of the year we lecture, teach, and tell Divrei Torah about leaving Egypt. Seder night, we have a conversation about the experience in the form of questions and answers, give-and-take, dialogue and discussion. Indeed, so many of the peculiar practices of the evening are done just so that the children will be curious, ask and ignite a conversation.

I would like to offer a bold suggestion this year: Consider asking your children to put away their Haggadahs for part of the Seder or to only bring one. The teachers of our community do an extraordinary job in preparing our students. The creativity, ingenuity and hard work that goes into designing the beautiful, personalized Haggadahs and filling them with Torah thoughts is a testament to the dedication of our outstanding Rebbeim (rabbis) and Morahs (teachers). We should welcome their incredible Haggadahs at our Seder table, but in moderation. If not, these Haggadahs can become a source of distraction and even worse, a source of friction when each of our children feel an obligation to read every single thought on every single page of their Haggadah at the Seder.

Of course we should spend time sitting with each child, looking through their Haggadah, listening to their Divrei Torah, and appreciating their enthusiasm. Perhaps we can dedicate time on Erev (the day before) Pesach or on Yom Tov (the holiday) afternoon to look at their Haggadahs more in-depth and to hear the thoughts that didn’t make it into the Seder itself. But, if we want our children to get the most out of our Seder experience, it can’t just be a presentation of what they learned in school.

The Seder must be a time to have conversations that matter, and discussions that can be transformative and provide inspiration that lasts the entire year. These conversations can happen with children and adults of all ages. Young kids should be engaged in storytelling in a real and personal way.

We must turn to our children and grandchildren and tell them the riveting story of how we used to be slaves, do backbreaking labor, and were then freed through miracles. With older children and adults, the conversations should be more sophisticated. I would like to suggest a few examples of how the Seder can be a platform for great conversations.

Here are some thought-provoking questions that you can share Seder night to generate the kind of rigorous and robust discussions that our rabbis imagined us having:

1. Ha Lachma Anya: Why do we begin the Seder specifically by inviting the underprivileged to join us? Is there a connection between freedom and sharing with others?
2. Avadim Hayinu: What is slavery and what is freedom? Though we are physically free, are there things and behaviors we are enslaved to? Does technology give us greater freedom or enslave us?
3. Four Sons: Which child do you identify with? Is the Rasha really so wicked if he at least comes to the Seder? What about the hypothetical fifth son who doesn’t even show? Are the eino yodei’ah lish’ol (don’t know how to ask) the unaffiliated of our generation, and how do we engage them?
4. V’hi She’amdah: Who are the enemies of our generation that seek to destroy us, and can we identify miracles Hashem does to protect us? What is the root of anti-semitism and why have we always had enemies that seek our destruction?
5. Arami Oveid Ami: We became a nation when living among the Egyptians. Is living in a land of freedom good or bad for Judaism? Has the freedom of this great country, America, contributed positively or negatively to the continuity of Torah Judaism?
6. Ten Plagues: Can you think of a situation where you felt stuck and Hashem bailed you out? Are there miracles in your life in which you saw the guiding hand of Hashem?
7. Dayenu: What does it mean to have the capacity to say, Enough? Are we ever satisfied or do we always crave more?
8. Hallel: What are you thankful for and why? Tell stories of personal freedom and liberation.

These are just a few examples, but there are countless more conversations to be had on Seder night. Even if you disregard my earlier suggestion and insist on listening to every single d’var Torah your child brings home, I urge you to be sure to make time to tell stories, ask questions, and have critical conversations. When all is said and done, the Seder is intended to be an exercise in emunah (faith). If we walk away from the Seder and we have not grown in seeing Hashem in our lives, and feeling a connection and closeness to Him, we have failed in our mission. Make sure to have the kind of Seder that will leave friends and family wanting to come back for more of your good food and great company, but most of all for your incredible and inspiring conversations.

Rabbi Efrem Goldberg is the Senior Rabbi of the Boca Raton Synagogue (BRS) in Boca Raton, Florida. He serves as Co-Chair of the Orthodox Rabbinical Board’s Va’ad Ha’Kashrus, as Director of the Rabbinical Council of America’s South Florida Regional Beis Din for Conversion, and as Posek of the Boca Raton Mikvah.

This article originally appeared on March 21, 2013 at finkorswim.com.

For most Jews, Passover is a pilgrimage. Instead of the pilgrimage of our forefathers to the Temple Mount, today we make a pilgrimage to our parents, grandparents, children, grandchildren, nephews, nieces, cousins, aunts, and uncles or some combination thereof. The holiday of Pesach as we call it, or the Holiday of Matzos as it is called in the Torah, or the Time of our Freedom and Holiday of the Spring as the day is known to the rabbis of the Talmud, could be said to have been supplanted by a new name: the Holiday of Family.

They say that one of the secrets of happy couples is that they share wonderful memories together. The combination of the experience and the positive memory associated with the common experience creates an environment where a good relationship can flourish.

I advise couples to actively try to create good memories. Do things together that are fun and exciting. Plan activities that will create those memories. And reminisce. Always look fondly upon those moments, cherish the memories, and plan more memory making merriment.

This may sound a bit like cheating. It’s almost like artificially manufacturing a relationship. But it’s not cheating. It’s playing smart. No relationship can survive on the fumes of romance or even true love with no help. You need to stoke the flames, you need to create a common language, you need to have good memories.

Religion is a lot like a relationship.

One of the most effective ways of transmitting a love and excitement about Judaism is by creating good Jewish memories and associations. Nostalgia plays a large role in our lives. A song takes us back to our teenage angst, a smell takes us back to a vacation, an old friend takes us back to simpler times. When we are down, there’s nothing quite like mom’s cooking to make everything all good again.

While religion must grow into something more sophisticated and mature than simple nostalgia, leveraging the natural feelings of nostalgia is a great way to augment one’s spirituality. After all, G-d gave us nostalgia. Let us use it.

The Seder (ceremonial Passover dinner) is the perfect time to craft those memories. The smells, tastes, customs, and discussions of the Seder will linger decades after we sing Chad Gadya at the conclusion of our Seder. The content of the Haggadah (text recited at the Seder) and what we are able to learn and find inspirational during the Seder is so important, but the flavor and tone of our Seder will make a lasting impact as well. Who joins our Seder will make a difference too. When we associate our family and good feelings with the Seder, we have a formula that can create memories that will last a lifetime.

There’s no shame in trying to create those memories. In fact, I encourage it. Make the Seder special. Make the Seder consistent.  Make the Seder a time for family. Make your own family traditions.

The story of the Exodus is as much a story of salvation as it is a story of becoming a family. We experienced an incredible exodus together and it bonded us together as a family. We relive those memories every year. This is one of the great ideas in the Haggadah. But we must also create our own new memories.

A New York Times article published last week drives home a similar message. The article proposes that “[t]he single most important thing you can do for your family may be the simplest of all: develop a strong family narrative.”

This is a clumsy way of saying that families need to know their story. Families that are happiest know answers to questions like these: Do you know where your grandparents grew up? Do you know where your mom and dad went to high school? Do you know where your parents met? Do you know an illness or something really terrible that happened in your family? Do you know the story of your birth?

Our stories and our collective memories create strong families. Strong families foster confident, well-adjusted, happy children. This is wisdom found in a New York Times article in 2013. It is also found in our ancient Seder traditions. Even before the formal Seder was established, the Torah itself tells us to tell our children our story. We are charged with mastering our national narrative. So many of our rituals come back to the same point – “because God took us out of Egypt.” This is our way of reminded ourselves of our family story. It is so important that the Torah mentions it dozens of times.

One of the secrets of Judaism is our storytelling. We read the stories in the Bible every week. Our Talmud is stock full of stories of our sages. Stories are one of the languages of Judaism. The Seder is a time to tell the story of our forefathers, but is also the time to write our own, new stories.

This year, and every year, let us use the Holiday of Family, Pesach with its Seder, to retell our national story and the birth of our nation, but also to write new chapters in our own family stories and create positive memories and associations with our religious experiences. In this way we will do our part in passing on our beautiful tradition to the future of Judaism.

Does your Seder look like what the rabbis really had in mind? Probably not. A bold suggestion for your Seder this year.

Rabbi Eliyahu Fink, J.D., is the rabbi at the famous Pacific Jewish Center | The Shul on the Beach in Venice, CA. Connect with Rabbi Fink through Facebook, Twitter or email.

Steve Savitsky interviews Sara Goldsmith, tourism manager for a fascinating kibbutz (settlement) in the Valley of Spring.

Read about Kibbutz Sde Eliyahu at Jewish Action in On and Off the Beaten Track in…Kibbutz Sde Eliyahu.

The prayer for the welfare of the State of Israel, like the country for which it is recited, is often at the center of controversy. In Prayer for the Welfare of the State of Israel, Rabbi Steinberg presents a balanced, intellectually honest, fascinating analysis of the history and philosophy of the prayer. Read the review atJewish Action and get your copy at OU Press today.

Savitsky Talks is a weekly 20 minute audio program with interviews and discussions that probe and explore contemporary Jewish life. Steve Savitsky’s unusually direct and objective approach make this program a refreshing take on the Jewish community’s often challenging role in the world.

“Now, the man Moshe was very humble, more so than any person on the face of the Earth” 
– Numbers 12:3

A famous and familiar verse. But if Moshe Rabbeinu is our role model for humility, who is our Biblical exemplar for ego? There are a lot of contenders for that title, both Jewish and non-Jewish (because ego is a universal ill). Some candidates:

• Haman thought, “Who could the king want to honor more than me?” (Esther 6:6) and ended up falling before Mordechai, whom the king really wanted to honor.
• The pagan seer Balaam felt he deserved more honor than Balak, king of Moab, initially sent him (Numbers 22). Upon being honored to what he felt was the proper degree, Balaam cajoled G-d into letting him go on a fool’s errand, ultimately to his own destruction.
• King David’s rebellious son Avshalom (Absalom) died as a result of his own vanity in 2 Samuel chapter 18.

All of these exemplify the concept that “pride goeth before a fall” (Proverbs 16:18). Nevertheless, despite the great number of worthy contenders, I think the prize has to go to Avimelech.

Who was Avimelech? There are several people by that name in Tanach. This Avimelech is the one in Shoftim. (There are also several Shoftims in Tanach. I refer to the book of Judges, not to the parsha by that name.) The Avimelech in question was a judge of Israel, a son of the great leader Gideon, who usurped the position by killing all his brothers lest they challenge him for the job. In Judges chapter 9, during a military siege, a woman dropped a millstone on Avimelech’s head, mortally wounding him. Avimelech was so egotistical that he asked his armor bearer to kill him so that history would not record that he was killed by a woman. Of course, not only does Tanach record that a woman killed him, it also tells us how worried he was about his ego, even in death. Suffice it to say, an over-inflated sense of one’s own importance seriously skews one’s sense of priorities.

How much better life would have been for the above-named individuals if they hadn’t been so full of themselves! Haman’s downfall started long before he assumed that Ahaseurus wanted to honor him; this was a man who was willing to commit genocide because one guy didn’t bow down to him. If he had been able to keep that impulse in check, he probably could have enjoyed a much longer career that might not have ended at the end of a rope. If Balaam hadn’t been swayed by high-ranking dignitaries and riches that he thought befitting his station, he would have stayed home, not to be humbled by a talking donkey and later killed. And if Avshalom had gotten a haircut, he wouldn’t have gotten stuck in a tree. (Get the full story in The Nach Yomi Companion at OU Torah.) If only these gentlemen had learned to silence their egos!

Ego is destructive. This is why I was impressed when I read about West CoastNCSY’s new campaign, #silenceyourego. According to their web site, found at http://silenceyourego.tumblr.com, this is a photo project whose goal is “to get people thinking about humility.” To that end, they ask people for their own personal reasons why they might want to be more humble. Participants print out a sign saying “I silence my ego to __________,” they fill in the blank, and then they upload a picture with their sign to Instagram.

The results are enlightening. While a project of West Coast NCSY, this initiative is not limited in terms of geography or demographics. People of all races and faiths

nationwide are resolving to silence their egos for such reasons as:

• to make others happy;
• to be a better friend;
• to take advice;
• to find peace;
• to admit when I’m wrong;
• to be a better Jew;
• to see from other perspectives;

among many other compelling arguments.

Kudos to West Coast NCSY Regional Director Solly Hess and Director of Innovation Rabbi Adam Simon for this inventive approach to an age-old problem. Raising awareness is the first step to a solution. And while we can never hope to eradicate ego on a universal scale, learning to conquer it in ourselves can make us happier, healthier, and generally more pleasant to be around. At the very least, we’re less likely to find ourselves stuck in a tree or at the business end of a millstone.

Rabbi Jack Abramowitz is Torah Content Editor at the Orthodox Union. He is the author of five books, including The Tzniyus Book. His latest work, The Taryag Companion, is available from OU Press as well as on Amazon.

Please note: Eileen Goltz is a freelance kosher food writer. The Orthodox Union makes no endorsements or representations regarding kashrut certification of various products/vendors referred to in her articles, blog or web site.

When it comes to cleaning out my pantry for Pesach, one of the first items on my trash list are those almost-empty boxes of cereal. You know the ones I’m talking about, those that are hiding behind the other stuff I don’t need, pushed to the WAY back with only a cup or two of flakes or Os–not enough to make a bowlful but just enough to make me hesitate to throw them out, because well, you just don’t throw out perfectly good cereal. I mean, there could be a zombie apocalypse and we’d be barricaded in the house with, G-d forbid, no cereal, and then where would we be?

So, even at this one time of year when there is pretty much a get-out-of-jail-free card for discarding any and all bits and bites of leftovers, I still have that moment of hesitation.

I defiantly throw caution and common sense to the wind and decide that one last-ditch recipe is all need to make the leftovers disappear.

HONEY AND NUT SALAD (dairy or pareve, depending on the cereal)

3 cups romaine lettuce, torn into pieces

2 cups fresh baby spinach

2 diced red delicious apples

1/3 cup dried cranberries or cherries

1/2 cup chopped pecans

1/2 cup diced celery

5 or 6 green onions, sliced

3/4 to 1 cup any honey-sweetened cereal (e.g. Honeycomb or Honey Nut Cheerios)

Vinaigrette

2 tablespoon rice wine vinegar or balsamic vinegar

6 tablespoons olive oil

1 tablespoon honey or sugar

Salt and pepper to taste

In a serving bowl, combine the vinegar, oil, sugar, salt and pepper. Whisk to combine and set aside.

In a salad bowl combine the lettuce, onions, apples, cranberries, pecans, and celery. Toss to combine.

Sprinkle the cereal on top and drizzle the dressing over the top. Toss to combine and serve.

My files, source unknown.

MEATLOAF PLUS (meat)

2 lb lean ground beef

2/3 to 1 cup Bran cereal

1 chopped onion

1/4 cup chopped green pepper

1 1/2 teaspoon salt

1 cup barbeque sauce, divided (or more on top if you like)

2 teaspoons minced garlic

1 egg

Preheat oven to 350. In a bowl combine the ground beef, bran cereal, onion, green pepper, salt, 1/4 cup barbeque sauce, garlic, and egg. Mix to combine.

Transfer to two loaf pans. Bake at 350 for 30 minutes. Top with 1/2 cup barbeque sauce. Bake 30 to 45 minutes more or until done. (You may need to drain.) Serves 8.

SESAME CORN FLAKE CHICKEN (meat)

1 cup bread crumbs (panko or toasted regular bread crumbs)

1 to 1 1/2 cup cornflakes, lightly crushed

3 tablespoons teaspoons sesame seeds

2 teaspoons chili powder

3 eggs

2 pound skinless, boneless chicken cut into strips

7 to 8 cups torn romaine lettuce (or mix whatever kind of greens you like)

Extra sesame seeds

Dressing

1 tablespoon chopped parsley

2 teaspoons chopped fresh oregano or 1 teaspoon dried

2 tablespoon chopped fresh tarragon or 1 teaspoon dried

2 tablespoons white wine or rice wine vinegar

1/3 cup olive oil

1 tablespoon honey

Salt and freshly ground black pepper

Preheat the oven to 400. Grease a cookie sheet with sides.

In a bowl combine the bread crumbs, cornflakes, sesame seeds, and chili powder and mix to combine. Place the eggs in a large bowl and whisk to combine. Dip the chicken strips into the beaten egg, and then roll them in the bread crumb/cornflake mixture, making sure both sides are coated. Place the chicken on the prepared cookie sheet and continue until all the chicken is coated.

Bake 10 minutes, flip the pieces and continue cooking for an additional 7 to 10 minutes until they are cooked throughout, but not overdone.

While the chicken is cooking combine the parsley, oregano, tarragon, vinegar, oil, and honey in a bowl or jar with a tight fitting lid. Whisk or shake to combine. Season with salt and pepper.

You can place the lettuce in a salad bowl or divide it between 8 plates and top with warm cooked chicken. Drizzle the dressing and sesame seeds over the top and serve. Serves 8.

Submitted by Aaron Martoni of San Francisco, CA; modified from epicuran.com.

APPLE TART (dairy or pareve)

3/4 cup butter or margarine

2 cups flour

1/2 cup sugar, divided

1 egg, lightly beaten

3 tablespoons cold water

6 baking apples, peeled and chopped

1 1/2 cups granola cereal (with raisins is just fine too)

1 cup slivered almonds

1 cup powdered sugar

2 tablespoons lemon juice

Preheat the oven to 350. In bowl of a food processor combine the butter or margarine, flour and 1/4 cup of the sugar. Process until the mixture resembles coarse crumbs. Add the egg and water and pulse just until combined and the mixture forms dough.

Press the dough onto the bottom and sides of an ungreased 9X13 baking pan. Bake 15 minutes then remove from the oven.

While the crust is baking, combine the granola, almonds, cinnamon and sugar in a bowl. Place the apples on the crust then sprinkle the granola mixture over the top. Bake for 50 minutes or until the top is golden and bubbly.

Spoon the chopped apples over the crust and then sprinkle the granola mixture over the apples. Press it down slightly. Bake 45 to 50 minutes. Then cool for at least 30 minutes before drizzling on the glaze.

In a bowl combine the powdered sugar and lemon juice and mix until smooth. Drizzle over the top of the tart and serve warm or cold. Serves 10 to 12.

Modified from about.com.

Does your Seder look like what the rabbis really had in mind? Probably not. A bold suggestion for your Seder this year.

Stay connected to the largest kosher food certification agency for newly-certified kosher products, kosher alerts and special deals. Like OU Kosher on Facebook and follow OU Kosher on Twitter.

Eileen Goltz is a freelance kosher food writer. She graduated from Indiana University and the Cordon Bleu Cooking School in Paris. She lectures on various food-related topics across the U.S. and Canada and writes weekly columns for the Chicago Jewish News, kosher.com and OU Life. She is the author of the Perfectly Pareve Cookbook (Feldheim) and is a contributing writer for several publications. You can visit Eileen’s blog by clicking Cuisine by Eileen.

Pesach is right around the corner. This is the time that we became the Jewish nation. We left Egypt, and we merited seeing great miracles: the Splitting of the Sea, the Manna, and receiving the Torah.

But it didn’t seem to stick. The Jewish people, who clearly saw G-d’s hand, could not shed their slave mentality and they sinned over and over again. They needed to wander for 40 years in the desert and the next generation would conquer the Land of Israel. They needed to learn how to be free men and so that they would  have the wherewithal, the confidence, and the ability to do what they needed to do.

Sometimes I think of children and how they also need the time to develop into free and independent people. It takes time to build a mentsch, a person of integrity. We can become so focused on getting our kids to stop their bad behavior, the tantrums, the shirking of chores, the fighting with friends or siblings.

Instead, we need to look at these times as opportunities to shape our kids behavior. It takes a lot of these learning opportunities to shape our kids into the kind of people we would like them to be. Hopefully, it will only take our kids 18 years instead of the 40.

This is a more longterm approach to parenting which will hopefully help us keep calm when our kids exhibit all types of negative behaviors. We can then give them time to learn how to manage the negative feelings that overwhelmed them (the tantrums), how to be responsible for their time and their jobs (shirking of chores) and how to navigate familial and social relationships (fighting with siblings and friends).

How can we apply this longterm approach to parenting practically?

Tantrums:

Instead of saying: ”Will you stop it already? Why do you always have to cry about everything?!”

we can take a deep breathe and help them think of ways to manage the feelings that overwhelm them: ”You seem really upset–I know you wanted the lollipop (gameboy, new shoes, etc.) When you are calm we can talk about some better ways to deal with not getting the things that you want.”

Shirking Chores:

Instead of saying: ”You are so irresponsible. You will be punished the next time you don’t do your job!”

we want to help them think of ways that they can be responsible: ”What would be the best way for you to remember to take out the garbage?” or ”How can we set up your room so your dirty laundry goes in the hamper?”

Fighting With Siblings or Friends:

Instead of saying: “Will you stop this fighting already! You guys are impossible!”

We can help them navigate their relationships: “Getting along with others can be tricky. Is there anything we can do here so that you guys can figure out how to get along?”

Parenting our kids to be independent mentsches does not happen overnight. It took the Jewish people 40 years to become an independent, mentsch-like nation. Hopefully it wont take us that long. But let’s help our kids through their growing pains, thoughtfully and with a long term approach.

Adina Soclof, MS. CCC-SLP, works as a Parent Educator for Bellefaire Jewish Children’s Bureau facilitating How to Talk so Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids will Talk workshops as well as workshops based on Siblings Without Rivalry. Adina also runs parentingsimply.com. 

Many of us know individuals who grew up observant, but no longer keep the mitzvot (commandments). Then there are those who are otherwise observant, yet lapse in some areas, such as the laws of business ethics, Family Purity, or Shabbat. We might include ourselves in either of these categories. Whether it is ourselves, family members, or friends, these breaches in Jewish practice can leave us feeling unsettled. We wonder, after thousands of years of family observance, or a former intense personal commitment, what happened? Where has the commitment gone?

Every case is different and it is not our place to judge. At the same time, there is a key principle: If a person’s bond with Judaism is not strong enough, it will break under pressure.

Temptations have reached new heights. Forbidden behaviors which were unthinkable in the past have become accepted by society and easily accessible. To counter these threats, our level of commitment must rise as well. No family or individual is immune.

Here are six strategies to strengthen your commitment to uphold G-d’s Torah. Each one stands alone, so start with the strategy you are most drawn to and build from there. Even if your observance has already lapsed, you can still strengthen your current level of commitment.

1. Learn Torah every day. Daily, or at least weekly, study an area that interests you, preferably with a partner. Every Jew has a unique share in the Torah that resonates deeply. Part of our life’s mission is discovering and claiming that specific portion. It might be Chumash with a particular commentary, Nach, Midrash, Mishnah, Talmud, Jewish law or thought, the deeper meaning of Psalms and the prayers, Chassidut or a combination of the above (check out OU Torah for loads of resources). You will know you have found your portion in Torah when your learning becomes a highlight of your day or week.

    

2. Pray with understanding. Prayer is an essential source of spiritual vitality. But we need to understand what we are saying. Pick at least one section and say the words with understanding and feeling. In addition to formal prayer, speak to G-d during the day. Share with Him your struggles and ask for His help.
3. Choose a  rabbi. A rabbi can serve many functions. He can teach Torah, answer religious questions, give life advice, serve as a role model, comfort during times of sorrow and encourage during times of challenge.
   
   Choose a rabbi you respect and one who is accessible and understands your personal situation. He will help you fulfill the law as best you can. If you are unable to find a suitable rabbi, look for a spiritual mentor to guide you and ask them which rabbi to consult with on religious questions.

    

4. Learn the laws. When we learn what the law is, we strengthen our resolve to observe it. When we study halachah, it takes on greater significance and meaning. Find a class or book geared toward your level of observance.Do not be discouraged if your past behavior wasn’t aligned with halachah. Judaism is not all or nothing, and G-d does not expect perfection. As our Creator, He knows our struggles and weaknesses. All He asks is that we do the best we can. Whatever mitzvah you are able to do, do. Whatever prohibition you are able to avoid, avoid.
   No matter how far you have fallen, through repentance, you can pick yourself up and start fresh; that is the power of Teshuva.

    

5. Stay away from temptation. When we are vigilant and stay away from temptation, we are usually able to refrain from sin. Determine the areas where you tend to stumble, and ask yourself what safeguard you can put in place to keep you away from temptation.  Our environment plays a key role in either weakening or strengthening our commitment to Judaism. Make sure to surround yourself with positive influences and good role models. A great way of doing this is to go to a weekly or daily shiur (lecture), where you spend time with people who share your values.

    

6. Make observance non-negotiable. Western society puts the individual on a pedestal and encourages us to do what feels good. With this paradigm, everything becomes negotiable. In Judaism, we realize the foolishness and destructiveness of living life based on passing whims. Instead, we put the Torah on a pedestal and unconditionally follow G-d’s guidelines.
   We need to make a conscious decision: Our commitment to avoid what our Creator has prohibited is non-negotiable; we are willing to do whatever is necessary to uphold His Torah and refuse to violate the law even at great personal sacrifice, when warranted. We can make our commitment to G-d so strong that it is as if we are physically incapable of violating His commandments.If a voice in your head urges you to sin, automatically respond, “That’s not an option. I refuse to violate G-d’s laws.” Then, think about something else.
   If your resolve to follow halacha has weakened, pick an area of observance to make non-negotiable – and refuse to cross that redline. 

In addition to strengthening your own commitment to Judaism, reach out to those whose commitment has faltered or who were never committed to begin with. Accept them as they are, without being judgmental; if you were in their situation you might act the same way or worse. Take an interest in them, hear out their issues, and, if appropriate, recommend inspirational lectures, articles and books. Suggest rabbis and spiritual mentors they can talk to. Offer to learn with them, and/or invite them for a Shabbat meal. Bottom line: Show you care. Let them know that we, the Jewish people, are immeasurably richer because they are a part of us.
 
We all need G-d’s help in our lives. If we want G-d to show us He cares about us – His children – we need to show Him we also care about His children; that we will not stand idly by as some of them fall through the cracks. Each one is too precious to ignore.

The Sages teach that a mitzvah done with difficulty is many times more beloved by G-d than one done with ease. The challenges of today test us in ways our people have never been tested before. By doing our best to overcome these new difficulties, we refine and elevate ourselves to new heights. With each mitzvah we do, and with each sin we avoid, we lift up ourselves and the entire Jewish nation, bringing us closer to G-d.

This article is a modified version of the original.
Check out Yaakov’s new, free e-book, Living with God: How to Have a Fulfilling Life.

Take a trip back to your Jewish past–and encounter the present. Experience Germany Close Up – American Jews Meet Modern Germany. See the country responsible for mass genocide and how far they’ve come in an effort to deal with those memories. Runs May 27/28 – June 6, 2013.  Register today. 

Yaakov Weiland has an MSW from Fordham School of Social Service and lives in New York City. He has been published in The Jewish Press, Arutz-7and Aish.com. To read his other articles, please visit yaakovweiland.blogspot.com.”

As Passover nears, OU Kosher presents the ten most common questions asked to-date on the OU Kosher Hotline by consumers in preparation for the holiday. NOTE: These statements are valid for Passover 2013 only. The OU Kosher hotline (212-613-8241) will be open for extended hours pre-Passover—from 10:00 a.m-12 noon on Sunday, March 24 and from 10:00 a.m-1:00p.m on Monday, March 25 (Passover begins that evening). ——————————————————————————–

1. Q: Does water require special certification for Passover?
   A: All unflavored bottled water, seltzer and sparkling water is kosher for Passover, even without any kosher supervision.
2. Q: Can I drink Coke on Passover?
   A: Coca-Cola will again be available with an OU-P for Passover in regular and diet flavors. Aside from the New York metropolitan area, Coke will be available in Boston, Baltimore, Washington, Miami, Atlanta, Houston, Philadelphia, and Los Angeles. This year, in New York, Coca-Cola items will be made with an OU-P in 2-liter bottles. All these items, of course, require the P symbol. Most of the bottling plants servicing these markets will designate the Passover Coke items with a distinctive yellow cap in addition to the P symbol on the cap or shoulder of the bottle.
3. Q: Can I use my facial cosmetics on Passover?
   A: All facial cosmetics are acceptable for use except for lipsticks. This is a dispute among the rabbis, and we encourage you discuss the matter with your personal Orthodox rabbi.
4. Q: Does Extra Virgin Olive Oil need to be certified kosher for Passover?
   A: All OU certified extra virgin olive oils are kosher for Passover, as long as they bear the OU symbol. All other oils (including other varieties olive oil) require a reliable kosher for Passover certification to be consumed on Passover.
5. Q: Which baby formula can I use for my infant on Passover?
   A: Most infant formulas are made from soy products. Use of kitniyot does not apply to infants. However, you must take care to keep bottles, nipples and formula away from the general kitchen area. Any mixing or washing should be done elsewhere, such as in the bathroom sink. Click here for a list of acceptable formulas.
6. Q: Costco is having a sale on salmon. May I use the frozen Kirkland Salmon?
   A: Due to the frequent application of glazes to raw fish, it should be purchased only with reliable kosher certification. However, Kirkland Frozen Wild Salmon is acceptable after washing it off, while the Kirkland Atlantic (Farm Raised) Salmon is acceptable as is for Passover when it bears the OU symbol.
7. Q: Are there any coconut oils that can be used on Passover?
   A: Only the Spectrum Organic Virgin/Crude Coconut Oil is acceptable for Passover when bearing the OU symbol.
8. Q: Are any nutritional supplements or food thickeners acceptable for Passover?
   A: Despite the OU’s best efforts, OU-certified manufacturers of nutritional supplements have not agreed to special Passover productions. In an effort to help rabbis to make decisions about nutritional supplements for Passover, the OU has identified those products that are halachically acceptable for cholim (the sick). Click here for an extensive listing of nutritionals and dietary supplements.
9. Q: Are raw nuts acceptable for Passover?
   A: Raw nuts in their shell do not require Passover certification. Shelled nuts that list BHA or BHT (preservatives) in the ingredients require special Passover certification. They are sprayed on the nuts using corn derivatives (kitniyot). Please note that regarding peanuts different communities have different customs. Some hold them to be kitniyot; while others eat peanuts on Passover.
10. Q: What coffees are acceptable for Passover?
    A: All regular ground coffees are acceptable for Passover use when bearing an OU. Decaffeinated coffee: Coffee is often decaffeinated by means of ethyl acetate, which is derived from either kitniyot or chametz. Therefore, decaffeinated coffees are not acceptable for Passover unless specifically marked for Passover or found in the OU Passover Guide under the heading of products certified for year round use and Passover. Instant coffees often contain maltodextrin, which is derived from either from corn (kitniyot) or wheat (chametz). Therefore, all instant coffees require special Passover certification unless explicitly mentioned in the OU Passover Guide under the heading of products certified for year round use and Passover.

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Read more Passover FAQs here.

We want to help you prep: Kosher-for-Passover products, recipes and articles are available on the the OU Kosher Facebook and Twitter accounts.

Have your own Passover questions? Submit it them via Facebook and Twitter. Questions may also be submitted to kosherq@ou.org.

Does your Seder look like what the rabbis really had in mind? Probably not. A bold suggestion for your Seder this year.

Why is the secret of happy couples so important to religion? And what does it have to do with Pesach? Find out here.

“Self-hating Jews are the biggest challenge to the Chareidi world.” Steve Savitsky talks with Yitzhak Frankfurter, editor of Ami magazine, about Chassidic and Haredi viewpoints on challenges facing their community.

Savitsky Talks is a weekly 20 minute audio program with interviews and discussions that probe and explore contemporary Jewish life. Steve Savitsky’s unusually direct and objective approach make this program a refreshing take on the Jewish community’s often challenging role in the world.

Rabbi Steven Weil, OU Executive Vice President, speaks with documentary producer Rafael Marmor about his upcoming movie NO PLACE ON EARTH.

NO PLACE ON EARTH brings to light the untold story of 38 Ukrainian Jews who survived World War II by living in caves for eighteen months, the longest-recorded sustained underground survival. Built upon interviews with former cave inhabitants, as well as Chris Nicola, the caving enthusiast who unearthed the story, NO PLACE ON EARTH is an extraordinary testament to ingenuity, willpower and endurance against all odds.

Go to www.noplaceonearthfilm.com to learn more.

Snow on Passover? It seems unheard of in many locations, but a snowy winter combined with an early Pesach and those attending seders in all but the tropical areas of North America may be in for a holiday like a very non-Jewish Irving Berlin song.

Typically, the festival occurs in early to-mid April, sometimes  finishing in late April, but thanks to the formulation of the Jewish  calendar, this year Passover will begin March 25 – earlier than it has been for the last 30 years and earlier than it will be for the  next 30 years, if not more on both ends. (As another feature of this  year’s early calendar, Jewish families can look forward to eating their Thanksgiving turkey near the light of the Chanukah candles;  Thanksgiving is the second night of the holiday. And, of course, Rosh Hashanah begins two days after Labor Day.)

The odds of a White Passover are looking increasingly good, according to Craig Allen, chief meteorologist at WCBS 880 AM in New York.  ”Medium range (7-10 day) maps have a storm passing south of New York next Sunday, the 24th, but the next one comes right up and brings heavy rain/snow to the area Monday night into Tuesday,” he said.  ”The weather pattern is blocked in a cold pattern with no sign of it breaking down til the end of the month.”  Meaning there’s a good likelihood children will be able to hide the afikomen in a pile of snow and Elijah will be shivering his way from seder to seder.

The last time a snowstorm hit New York at Passover time was 1982. (To  be perfectly accurate, a light dusting did fall in Central Park in  1996 on one of the days of the holiday.) Twelve inches fell on April 5, 1982 and the holiday began on April 8. The snowfall was so heavy that the New York Yankees postponed their home opener and the burning of thechametz took place nearly knee-deep in the snow.

Jeff Feinberg, a member of the Orthodox Union’s accounting department, recalls walking to shul bundled up in his winter coat and snow boots.

“I couldn’t tell if it was Passover or Chanukah,” he said.

Avery Maron doesn’t remember the snowfall, but his parents certainly do. On April 6, 1982 his mother experienced labor pains and drove to the hospital from her home in Woodmere, Long Island. She gave birth that night and Avery spent his first seder with his mother snowed in at the hospital.

In northern climes, of course, snow on Passover is far more common than in relatively moderate New York.  In 2011, according to children’s author Debra Darvick, a late snowfall hit Michigan. Writing on her blog at the time, she described it as the eleventh plague. “I pondered the plague of snow God might have sent had Pharaoh ruled Minnesota instead.”

Rabbi Daniel Friedman of the Beth Israel OU member synagogue in Edmonton, Canada said that snow is a regular feature of the holiday.

“There’s always still snow on the ground,” he wrote via email. The chill doesn’t dampen the festivities. The shul hosts a sederfor 120 people and NCSY, the OU youth program, does the bedikat chametz (ritual search for leavened bread) followed by a pizza party in another location. The local water park has special men and women’s hours during the intermediate days of the festival – needless to say, the park is indoors.

Rabbi Baruch Taub, rabbi emeritus of the Beth Avraham Yoseph of Toronto Congregation in Thornhill, Canada, said that he recalled snowstorms heavy enough to create ideal winter sporting conditions. “I looked out my window and my neighbor was skiing to shul!” he said.

Of all the rabbis we spoke to for this article, we thought we’d leave Rabbi Chaim Goldberger of the Kenesseth Israel Congregation of Minneapolis with the last word. He offered the most interesting interpretation of the effects of the weather on his congregation’s Passover experience.

Like many climes, Minnesota has four seasons, he wrote, “We just give them different names: Almost Winter, Winter, Still Winter and Construction.”

Passover tends to fall during ‘Still Winter’ each year,” he explained. “But the nice thing about ‘Still Winter’ is how it, at times, allows warmer weather to pass through the cracks. We have often been fortunate to have those nice weather days, when a sunny day just happens to coincide with a temperature thaw, pop out on the first days of Passover – asHashem’s way of reminding us that He takes the name Chag HaAviv (Festival of Springtime)seriously. Almost invariably that will yield to a snowfall on the Last Days.”

However, he added, “It’s okay. We caught God’s ‘wink,’ and we know it will only be a little bit longer until ‘Construction.’”

Why is the secret of happy couples so important to religion? And what does it have to do with Pesach? Find out here.

Michael Orbach is a writer living in New York. He is the assistant editor for NCSY’s Ignite magazine. 

Download the Audio

At age twenty-two, Yosef Mendelevich participated in an attempt to hijack a plane to the West an act designed to raise awareness about the desperate plight of Soviet Jews. He was arrested before the plane ever left the ground and served twelve years in the Soviet gulag. His is the story of one man’s resistance against tyranny and his daily struggle to retain his Jewishness and his humanity in a system built to extinguish both.

Rabbi Mendelevich’s book, Unbroken Spirit: A Heroic Story Of Faith, Courage and Survival, can be purchased on amazon.com.

If you’re reading this column, chances are you have some interest in health, wellbeing and wellness in general.  You might even be an avid reader of articles and books written about weight loss, fitness, nutrition and healthy living. 

But when it comes down to it, we have trouble getting ourselves out of contemplation-mode and into taking specific action.

With Pesach upon us, the natural tendency is to tell ourselves that we will turn things around as soon as Pesach is over.  But even if you take on one or two small changes now, it will pay off immediately, and you will feel empowered to take on more afterwards. 

Let’s take a look at these small changes that will make a very big difference in your life. You don’t have to take them on all at once, but it’s best to have a plan that works towards eventually adopting them all.

1. Get more sleep.  It might surprise you that this is my top choice, but without the proper amount of sleep, most everything else won’t be able to happen like it should.  Today, more and more people are working jobs that require second and third shifts; they are working out of their time zone.  Many are communicating electronically with relative and friends till the wee hours. Worries and daily problems keep us from sleeping enough hours or from sleeping soundly. Lack of sleep will disrupt your metabolism and cause you to secrete more of the hormone cortisol.  This increases your appetite and causes you to crave fatty foods, prolongs reaction time and slows cognitive function.  It also may make you irritable and decrease motivation. That’s why getting more sleep is number one.
2. Be active. Before we get to formal exercise, there is so much you can do to enhance your basic levels of fitness and health within the routine of your average day.  Just a few changes in activity can also help you lose up to 11-13 pounds a year.  Park the car a few blocks away from your destination.  Get off the bus or train a stop or two early.  Use stairs instead of elevators. Try to walk instead of driving wherever possible. A recent study in Japan showed a marked decrease in blood pressures of those who walked back and forth to work (as little as 10 minutes each way) as opposed to those who drove.  It will help you control weight, improve your mood and contributes to your cardio-respiratory health.
3. Eat small meals more often.  By scheduling 3 meals with 2 or 3 snacks and keeping your portions under control, you are less likely to overeat.  Just as important, this will regulate the way insulin is released in your body and keep you from becoming a type-2 diabetic.  And every time you eat, your metabolism elevates. Good deal, right?
4. Drink water.  Water is one of the six classes of nutrients that we must ingest on a daily basis.  Sixty to 70 percent of our body is composed of water.  Without it, chemical reactions that occur all the time in the body cannot take place.  And as we cannot conserve or store water in our body, drinking regularly is essential. Yet, most of us are probably only getting about a third of the valuable hydration benefits we need. Plus, just like with eating regularly, it keeps your metabolism on the high side.
5. Exercise!  Lack of cardio-respiratory fitness (your ability to walk fast, climb the hills and get up those stairs) is the leading risk factor of all-cause mortality.  So make sure to do aerobic exercise regularly and include muscle building as well.  It is essential for day-to-day functioning such as holding your children and picking up your own suitcase without asking for help.  Try to schedule 35 minutes of walking 5 days a week and 2 days a week of muscle building exercise.  You don’t have to go to the gym everyday for an hour-long heavy work out to benefit.  See a trainer to help you get a good routine started.
6. Limit processed foods and junk.  If it is processed (most of what you buy ready-to-eat off the supermarket shelves), try to stay away.  In 2010, a Harvard study showed a pronounced difference in eating unprocessed versus processed meats. Eating processed meats such as deli was associated with a 42% higher risk of heart disease and a 19% higher risk of type 2 diabetes.  Most of those pop-in-the-toaster items are also highly processed, full of fat and devoid of nutritional value—no matter what the front of the package says.  Eating whole foods gives you your daily nutrition and fills you up to keep you from being hungry. Keep your sugar and salt to minimal amounts, and bear in mind that pretty much all processed foods are very high in sodium. Sugar includes the white processed stuff, corn syrup, high fructose corn syrup, dextrose and glucose. Stay away from artificial sweeteners too.  Soy sauce, canned items, pickled items, table salt and most snack food should be very limited. 
7. Reduce and manage your stress.  It is difficult for me to convey just how damaging stress is to your health.  Chronic stressors are thought to be the real villains associated with many health and disease problems.  Chronic anxiety and depression, an overabundance of life changing-events, and a repressed feeling of loss, bereavement, emotional distress, and hostility have been linked to increased risk of heart disease, cancer, infection, suppressed immunity, asthma attacks, back pain, chronic fatigue, gastrointestinal disease, headaches, and insomnia.  A well-rounded exercise program, cognitive-behavioral therapy and some good problem-solving techniques can go a long way in solving stress issues.
8. Stop eating by 8:00-8:30 in the evening.  When you eat earlier, you use the calories through daily activity, but when you eat close to bedtime, you go to sleep with a lot of unused calories.  You will also sleep better when you eat earlier.  In a study with two control groups, one group ate their daily allotted calories in the early afternoon and the other in the evening.  Group one lost weight and group two gained weight even though they ate identical calories each day. So, set yourself a curfew.

There you have it: eight lifestyle changes to improve your health and wellbeing.  Pick one now to get started and try to add another every week or two.  Today is a perfect day to start enhancing your quality of life.

There are few things more challenging and uncomfortable than sitting at the bedside of a dying person and attempting to offer some sense of comfort and calm. What do you say to someone who is about to leave this world? How do you reassure him about where he is going or try to convince her that everything is going to be alright? What do you respond when they say, “I am scared and frightened,” or, “I am not ready for this”?

We are very fortunate that Jewish tradition provides a script and a structure to help us guide someone as he is about to embark on this extraordinary journey. In the last few weeks alone, I have found myself at three bedsides reciting viduy, the deathbed confession, with individuals who, soon after, left this world. In some cases, the terminally ill patient was not conscious or awake and I simply read it on his behalf. In other circumstances, the viduy was read at the end of a heartfelt, meaningful, and powerful conversation.

Viduy provides the opportunity to get our spiritual affairs in order. I have never sat at a bedside and heard anyone regret not working longer hours or give her family instructions about physical or material endeavors. However, almost every bedside I have sat beside did include a conversation about the topic of regrets and how to make sure we don’t have any when it is time to say goodbye.

The text of viduy deals with our relationship with the Almighty and expresses our sincere apology and regret if or when we have failed Him in our lives. Viduy lets us pass from this world to the next feeling whole in our relationship with our Creator.

But just as important is the unscripted part of viduy in which we reach out to anyone with whom we may have a rift and seek reconciliation and healing. Viduy provides an opportunity to both ask for forgiveness, as well as grant it, so that we can conitnue on our journey without being weighed down by spiritual baggage.

As I reflected on the bedside viduy experiences I have had of late, I can’t help but think of my own mortality and the importance of not having regrets. Hearing about “what could have been” or “what didn’t have to be” is a stark reminder that we need not wait until our deathbed to get our affairs in order. There is no better time to heal, reconcile, and repair damaged relationships than the present.

Consider the following contrasting stories from this week. One headline I read says, Decades-Old Family Rift Ends with a Phone Call–American Relatives No Longer Know Why a Prewar Dispute Divided Siblings Across Continents and Decades. It is incredible to think that generations in a family didn’t speak to each other, and nobody can even remember why. If the subject of the dispute wasn’t even worth remembering, was it really worth dividing a family for generations?

In contrast, you have likely heard the tragic story of a young Chassidic couple, Nachman and Raizy Glauber, who were killed in a hit-and-run accident on Sunday in New York. Raizy was six months pregnant with their first son, who died Monday, a day after he was delivered.

Later this week, a letter emerged that Nachman had written to his parents on his wedding day to express his gratitude for all that they had done to bring him to that day. Here is the letter translated from Yiddish:

To my dear parents:

In these imminent joyous and highly spiritual moments of my life, when I’m heading to my chupa [marriage] to begin my own family, I feel a sting in my heart that I’m already leaving your warm home.

I feel an obligation to thank you for everything you did for me since I was a small child. You did not spare time, energy and money, whether it was when I needed a private tutor to learn or an eye doctor or general encouragement. Also, later on, you helped me to succeed in my Torah studies, you sent me to yeshiva to learn your values, religious and worldly, until I reached to this current lucky moment.

Even though I’m leaving your home (actually I’m not leaving, I’m bringing in an additional family member) I want to tell you that all the education and values you taught me I’ll – with G-d’s help — take along with me in my new home, and continue to plant the same education in my home and kids that G-d will grant me.

But since kids do not grasp what parents are, and how much they do for them, and only when he matures and – with G-d’s help — have their own kids, they could realize it. And unfortunately I may have caused you a lot of pain; I am asking you to please forgive me.

I’m asking you, I’m dependent on your prayers, pray for me and my bride, and I will pray for you.

I pray to G-d that Daddy and Mommy should see lots of pride and delight from me and my special bride, until the final redemption of the Messiah.

From your son who admires and thanks you and will always love you.

Nachman.

One family inherited a decades-old fight while another was reminded of a precious letter filled with love, communicated during the prime of their son’s life, simply because he wanted them to know how he felt.

Let’s not wait until it is too late. You don’t need to be saying viduy on your deathbed to repair relationships, communicate with those you love, or get your spiritual affairs in order. Take a lesson from Nachman Glauber and do it today.

Don’t wait until it’s too late to make your medical wishes known. The Orthodox Union, through agreement with the New York Legal Assistance Group (NYLAG), has arranged for you to register your Halachic Healthcare Proxy/“Living Will” directive FREE of charge with the U.S. Living Will Registry©.

My daughter’s name is Tova. She is named after my maternal Grandmother. She recently asked me, “If a person who doesn’t know Hebrew asks me my name, should I just say that my name is “Good?” I laughed at the time, but I also thought for a minute. It does sound a little strange that I named my child, literally, “Good.”

The more I thought about it, the more it made sense that Tova is a common Jewish name. (I also wasn’t going to change her name, so it sort of had to.) There are so many references in Judaism of the concept of goodness and recognizing good. At the beginning of time, G-d looks at His world each day and proclaims it good. Jocheved gives birth to Moses, and, “She saw that he was good” (Exodus 2:2). And in Grace After Meals, we use the word “good” many times.

Our Rabbis have always reinforced this concept that G-d is good, His ways are good, and His creations are good. It seems that we are supposed to constantly remind ourselves of this as a basic principle of Judaism.

So can we apply this concept of looking for the good when we parent? We often have a tendency to focus on our children’s negative behavior. We remember very clearly the times that they whine, leave their homework undone, and act poorly towards their siblings.

What if we could turn their behavior around by giving it a positive spin? What if we, in our kid’s worst moments, remind ourselves of our kids’ past “good” behavior and let them know that we believe in their instrinsic “goodness.”

So let’s say they are whining because they are tired–we want to remind them of the time that they were tired, but they were able to keep it together:

“I know you are tired and you are using your whiny voice. Remember the time that you were up late and you were still able to use your regular voice? Can you do that now? We just have a few more minutes before we get to the checkout counter and then we are going to go home.”

When they do not do their homework, we can remind them of the time that they did do their homework:

“Homework seems to be challenging for you right now. Remember when you were having a rough time with that math problem, but you persevered and figured it out? I have faith that you can do that again.”

When sibling rivalry rears its ugly head, you can show them that what they did in the end is what counts:

“I saw you raise your hand to smack him. I told you to stop and you did. You put your hand down. You remembered not to hit.”

Can this really work? I think so. The times that I have been able to do this, I have been very pleased with the results. I know that I have been able to turn potentially ugly and harmful interactions into some really positive relationship-building moments.

The Jewish way of “looking for the good” has the potential to be a life-changer when we parent.  And I have a constant reminder of this Jewish concept: I just have to call my daughter, “Hey, Tova….”

Adina Soclof, MS. CCC-SLP, works as a Parent Educator for Bellefaire Jewish Children’s Bureau facilitating How to Talk so Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids will Talk workshops as well as workshops based on Siblings Without Rivalry. Adina also runs parentingsimply.com. 

Pesach. It is amazing how one small word can evoke such anxiety.  How sad that such a beautiful Yom Tov (holiday), representing our freedom from physical and spiritual bondage, can leave so many people feeling so stressed out.

There is a lot to do to prepare for Pesach, and without dishing out tips on effective organization (you can ask my wife about that), I would like to explore the issue of anxiety and the devastating effect it has on relationships.

Your Brain on Stress

A very helpful model for understanding the effects of stress is that of the triune brain. This model, developed by Dr Paul MacLean, divides the brain into three components:  the brain stem, or the “reptilian brain”; the the limbic system, or “the mammalian brain”; and the neocortex, or the “the human brain.” In other words, there are certain parts of the brain that are responsible for different faculties.

The brain stem is the source of physical action regulating our various vital functions, while the limbic system is responsible for our emotions.  These aspects of the brain function almost automatically.

Triune Brain Photo Credit: American Combat

The neocortex, on the other hand, is the cognitive part of our brain. When you are relaxed and your brain is fully integrated, your cognitive brain will be able to influence the responses of your emotions and your knee-jerk reactions. However, when you are experiencing stress, you will get stuck in your automatic responses. Your brain reads these stressors as if you are under attack and it protects by slipping into the flight-fight response.

Can you think of a time when you were under stress? How effective were you? Were you able to make decisions and think logically or did you respond out of sheer desperation? Unfortunately, most of us spend a large percentage of our life stuck in the more primitive part of our brains.

Anxiety has become the silent killer in our society and our relationships. Besides our own personal stressors, we are constantly bombarded with negativity and fear in the news. While we live in scary times, technology has compounded the matter by flooding us with up-to-the-minute reports of every worldwide calamity.  It is crucial to find sanity amidst all of that we are confronting.

Ideally, the home should serve as a safe refuge from the stresses of life, yet we see that it is often the opposite.

In order to reverse the tide of the storm, it is necessary to work on curbing our own anxiety. When we are anxious, we become easily triggered by our spouse.  We enter fight-or-flight mode, often hurting our spouse and escalating conflict. This provokes a counter response and the power struggle ensues. If we were only able to get ourselves to a place of calm, we could easily work through almost any issue.

Along with the chometz (leavened products), here are a few ways you can remove anxiety this Passover.

Clarify Your Expectations

The root cause of much of pre-Pesach anxiety is our expectations. Let’s take for example, b’dikas chometz (the search for chometz). Your rabbi taught in shul (synagogue) the halacha (law) that it should begin at nightfall. You come home from shul and your house is nowhere close to ready. Your kids are running around. No one is helping you. Three hours later, you finally begin the search.

And how about the seder (the ceremonial Pesach meal)? You are supposed to come home from shul and make kiddush (ceremony of blessing over wine) right away. And of course, the table is supposed  to be set. You come home from shul and your wife has passed out on the couch from exahuastion. The table cloth is on, but that’s about it. The kids are tired and kvetching and, at this rate, it will be a good few hours until you reach the Mah Nishtana.

Don’t worry, your house is not the only one.

While we expect things to run smoothly, the most reasonable expectation is to expect the unexpected. Otherwise, you will surely be disappointed, anxious, and maybe even angry.

To drive this message home, I was once speaking to a Chassidic Rebbe about the stresses of Erev Pesach (the day before Passover) and he told me that he accepts upon himself every year not to get angry from the time of b’dikas chometz until after the seder.  If this Rebbe considers the real possibility that he’ll become angry, it behooves us to expect the same.

Although you can work on having no expectations, you will surely have some strong preferences of how you want things to go. So while your expectations may seem obvious to your spouse, it is always best to articulate them beforehand.  If it is important to you to begin the seder in a timely manner, share that with your spouse in advance and discuss ways that you can make it happen. Unspoken wishes will leave you upset when they are unfulfilled and leave your spouse confused as to the cause of your discontent.

Perhaps your in-laws are coming for yom tov. This can add stress on top of stress. Talk about a strategy with your spouse so you’re on the same page prior to their visit–that way you can present a united front, instead of erupting into conflict right in front of them.  The clearer you are with each other, the less room for head-butting.

Have compassion for your spouse

If you notice yourself feeling frustrated, do your best to have compassion for your spouse. If your spouse is cranky, tired, or unhelpful, try to picture his or her story. Perhaps he has been working late hours so he can take off for yom tov and hasn’t had much time to pitch in. Maybe she has been up all night cooking and cleaning. No, she didn’t yet set the table, but she has been preparing non-stop for Pesach the last three weeks, besides taking care of the kids, going to work, and getting dinner on the table. Keep those visuals in the forefront of your mind so you can be more understanding when your spouse is not living up to your expectations.

Accept the Ratzon Hashem, G-d’s Will

When I was a bochur (single young man) in Eretz Yisroel, I spent Pesach by a Chassidic Rebbe. His wife had a baby two days before yom tov.  Although his Rebbetzin had cooked in advance, he was still left practically alone with a house full of kids, the oldest barely bas mitzvah (12 years old), and a few guests. In addition to his regular involvement as a father, the Rebbe had to take on all the responsibility of his wife, including the technical details such as plating and serving the meal.

While this may have not been his ideal seder night, the Rebbe taught me a valuable lesson: The most important question that a Jew must ask himself is, “What does Hashem want from me now, at this moment?”  We have to be able to switch gears and take action when things don’t go our way. Instead of getting wrapped up in our own story of how things should be, we must be proactive and deal with the way things are. This is the only way we can achieve true piece of mind, for life will often throw us curveballs. Yes, you may have your expectations, but can you live with it and make Hashem’s will yours.

Be B’simcha (Joyous)

When we accept G-d’s will over ours, every moment is a cause for joy as we are doing exactly what we need to be doing at that time. Putting an extra effort to have a positive attitude can defuse the anxiety that builds up around Pesach.

Keeping a positive attitude is also an invaluable lesson for your children. How many kids grow up dreading yom tov because all they saw in their house was anxiety, complaining, and fighting?

The central theme of the seder night is perpetuating the story of yetizias mitzrayim (the exodus from Egypt) by telling it to our children.  We want that experience to be as positive and memorable as possible, not laced with strife.

As we approach Pesach and busy ourselves with searching  and destroying our chometz, let us work on purging the anxiety that so often enslaves us and our relationships.

Why clean your home for Pesach? Just buy a new one! Come by the OU Jewish Community Home & Job Relocation Fair on Sunday, April 21, 2013 in New York, NY. Learn about 41 new communities where you can pursue your dream of a professionally enriching, religiously and personally rewarding life with affordable homes in a friendly, supportive neighborhood. Register today!

Rabbi Shlomo Slatkin is a licensed counselor and Certified IMAGO Relationship Therapist. He is an author  and international lecturer on relationships. Get a free download of The Five Step Action Plan to Saving
Your Marriage , or visit www.theRelationshipRabbi.com to learn more.

Fayga Marks talks to Steve Savitsky about her time in the IDF as a chareidi woman and the opposition she faced down to get there.

“I don’t care if it’s inappropriate. This is my dream.”

Read more about Fayga Marks’ journey at Jewish Action.

Savitsky Talks is a weekly 20 minute audio program with interviews and discussions that probe and explore contemporary Jewish life. Steve Savitsky’s unusually direct and objective approach make this program a refreshing take on the Jewish community’s often challenging role in the world.

This article originally appeared on jewinthecity.com.

Dear Jew in the City,

Here’s a question that no one seems to be willing to answer…how can one EXIT the Jewish community and why doesn’t the religion allow for it?! I was born to a reformed family who couldn’t tell you anything about “what it means to be….” I have never felt a connection to it (and yes, I’ve tried) and any association with it has always made me feel more an outcast in society. What bothers me the most is that the religious dogma associated with it polutes society with the notion that you are “born” into it. Nothing could be less true, in my opinion, or more offensive. It’s a religion … not a race! And it is only the religious aspect of it that proclaims it’s a race. Forcing someone that the religion believes was born into become a Jew is tantamount to forcing the title on them … and no better than the proselytizing that other religions do! Unless the religion wants to deteriorate from the inside-out, it needs to formulate an exit clause. I find myself having to force separation from the stigma by saying some not-so-pleasant things about the religion. I cannot respect it or it’s people until it respects me and my position. I AM NOT A JEW!

RSM

Dear RSM,

Thanks for your question. I am willing to answer it, even though I am sad that you need to ask it. I once joked that being a Jew is like being in the “Hotel California” – “you can checkout any time you like, but you can never leave!” But seriously – there were Jews throughout history who wanted out, so they left, they assimilated, they intermarried, but you know what – the non-Jews STILL considered them Jews. Remember how Jewishness was tracked in Hitler’s time? They went back at least two generations. Anti-Semitism has NEVER made sense – it’s just a reality that the Torah says will exist while we’re in exile. So even if we Jews could let you off the hook, the Anti-Semites of the world wouldn’t.

Why can’t you stop being Jewish? Well – let me ask you a different question. Let’s say that you and I were brother and sister, but you wanted out of our family. You could change your name, change your nationality, get plastic surgery, deny that we’re related, but at the end of the day, we share the same parents and therefore we ARE family, no matter what you do. And the same goes for being a Jew. You can believe what you want, call yourself what you want, but you are a descendent of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob on your mother’s side, and therefore you are part of our family. We share a common history and a common destiny. We are spiritually bound to one another. Judaism IS more than just a religion, because other religions are usually just about belief and practice, whereas Jewishness does not go away  due to lack of belief or practice. At the same time, we allow for converts to be “adopted” into our family if they show that they are committed to our people and our way of life because if someone goes to such lengths to become a Jew, it’s because we believe that they are spiritually bound to our nation as well.

I’m sorry that our family has failed you, that you’ve never felt a connection to Judaism. Back in my pre-religious days, my only connection was cultural. It was still a positive one, but not particularly deep. I commend you for trying to make a connection, despite the fact that your parents didn’t raise you with one. But I wonder if you ever explored Orthodox Judaism. Have you ever spent a Shabbos with people who truly embody the essence of Shabbos and hachnasis orchim (hospitality)? Have you ever attended a Torah class given by a world class teacher? The kind that fills you with inspiration and leaves you awestruck?

If you haven’t, I would love to help you experience these things – not in an effort to convince you of how great being Jewish is, but rather to expose you to the best we have to offer. Perhaps such experiences will change your feelings, perhaps they won’t. But at least you’ll know what inspires those of us who do feel good about being Jewish. I know you believe that Judaism’s religious dogma “pollutes society,” but Judaism’s dogma brought concepts to the world like “love your neighbor as yourself,” “love your wife as much as yourself and honor her more,” and “don’t stand idly by the blood of your neighbor.”

Look, RSM, you can call yourself whatever you like. You can refer to yourself as a gentile. Who can stop you? You’re a free agent, living in a free country. All I will tell you is that for all the anti-Semites throughout the centuries who made being a Jew punishable by death and all the Jews – your ancestors and mine -who were willing to give up everything to hold on to their Jewishness. For those people who were willing to risk it all, I just hope that before you close the door forever, you know exactly what it is you’re leaving.

All the best,

Allison (aka Jew in the City)

Chaim is 46 years old and goes to see his doctor for his yearly physical examination.  After checking him thoroughly and doing standard blood work, he finds that Chaim has blood pressure of 144/92 and his cholesterol, particularly his LDL (the bad stuff), is borderline high.  The physician prescribes drugs to lower his blood pressure and begins 10mg of a statin drug to control his cholesterol levels, thus dealing with two risk factors for heart disease and stroke through drug intervention.  But this is far from the full picture.  

We have all heard about the risk factors for heart disease and coronary artery disease.  There are about 20 altogether. Every hour of every day, we are all aging; we can’t turn back the chronological clock or change our family history. And if we were born with a low birth weight, there isn’t much we can do about that either.

But we can do something about most risk factors, and not necessarily with drug intervention. A smoker can stop smoking. A compulsive eater can regain control of his food patterns.

Yet there are many misconceptions when it comes to risk factors, and often, those things that really matter the most are not necessarily diagnosed through a blood test. Consequently, the underlying issue is that we have don’t always have accurate information as to what those risk factors actually are.

Dr. Michael Mogodam of the George Washington University School of Medicine and Associate Professor of Medicine at Georgetown University Medical School has studied the effects of the different risk factors extensively.  Let’s look at his top four risk factors.

#1: The first and foremost risk factor is diabetes.  Twenty-two million Americans have diabetes and another 20 million have insulin resistance and pre-diabetes.  Aside from the many other complications of diabetes, we know that 80% of diabetics will eventually die of cardiovascular complications.  Yet, this is a risk factor that can be prevented, dealt with, and even reversed.  By eating properly (you should see a registered dietician and learn what constitutes proper eating for a diabetic), eating small amounts more often and beginning a formal and balanced exercise program, you can, in the majority of cases, control your diabetes.  You may need medication as well until you can gain control.  Staying generally active in addition to your planned exercise is also important.

#2: Being obese – particularly abdominal obesity.  The Body Mass Index (BMI) is the most widely used gauge for measuring obesity.  A reading of 30 or above would indicate obesity.  Because the BMI has some inaccuracies built into it, a better way to determine your risk is to measure your waist-to-hip ratio as abdominal obesity is more of a risk factor than overall weight.

Take your waist circumference and divide it by your hip circumference.  Look for a reading less than 0.9 for men and 0.75 for ladies.  Higher readings indicate heart risk.

Tangible steps you can take to reverse this situation: 5 serving of vegetables, 3 servings of fruit per day and exercising 30 minutes per day are a great way to get started. Cut your overall calories but don’t eliminate entire food groups.  Include monounsaturated fats in your diet such as nuts and olive oil.  Proceed slowly and methodically with your weight loss, as rapid weight loss will almost always result in a rapid return of the weight.

#3: A sedentary lifestyle.  Our lives are different today than they were 40 and 50 years ago.  The workplace is now a sedentary setting in which most of us sit by a computer all day, after using cars or public transportation to get there (and everywhere), and riding the elevators to deliver us straight to our destination.

According to the Center for Disease Control and Prevention, sedentary lifestyle accounts for more than 250,000 deaths annually – more that the total deaths from colon, breast, and prostate cancers combined.

One 8-year study of 3,120 healthy women showed that being physically fit had an age-adjusted 900% advantage in the death rate from cardiovascular disease than sedentary women.  The nurses’ study showed that those who engaged in moderate exercise had a 54% lower combined risk of heart attack and stroke.

No one has to be sedentary.  Start with some simple walking and build up from there.

#4: Diet.  Food need not be the enemy.  And we don’t have to entirely eliminate foods we like.  However, we know that including an abundance of fruits and vegetables and using whole grains will help keep all the western diseases away and will add years to your life.

Typical western diets have too many trans fats and saturated fats, lack vitamin D, don’t include enough sources of Omega-3 and have inadequate fiber and healthy fats.

Keeping the daily caloric intake to the amounts we need for maintaining a normal and healthy weight is also essential.

So there you have the first four risk factors.*  Remember Chaim and his high cholesterol and high blood pressure?  Those are in the top 20, but not the top four.  Physicians are great at prescribing medication for these conditions, but are they prescribing active living and exercise, normal, healthy eating and even stress management?

Most likely, if you get serious and do the work to mitigate risk factors one through four, you will end up solving most of the other ones, too.

* If you would like to learn more about these risk factors, email me at alan@loseit.co.il and I will gladly send you the complete list. 

Last year, a week or so before Passover, my wife received a greeting card from a friend of hers. It was a touching gesture, I thought, a statement of solidarity from one friend to another at that frantic, frenetic, hectic, stress-filled time of year. The card her friend sent? The front page began: “If they can send a man to the moon…” The inside concluded… “Why can’t they send them all there?” That tipped me off that something might be wrong here.

The process of preparing for Pesach is an arduous one. Chametz is unlike most other forbidden foods in that it is usually permitted and even essential in a Jewish home and a kosher kitchen. Most forbidden foods are always forbidden, and, as a result, are never found in a Jewish home. It takes no special effort to guard a Jewish home from those kinds of forbidden substances. Not so with chametz, which—in its more familiar forms of challah, pizza, noodles, cakes, Cheerios and a million other food products—is a staple of our diets and the foundation of our kitchens. Thus, the process of “turning the kitchen over” and ridding the entire house of any traces of the chametz that during the whole rest of the year has insinuated itself deeply into our homes and lives, is a laborious one. Add young children into the formula and you have a formidable, daunting challenge.

Preparing for Pesach is a big job, and—let’s be honest—most of that big job falls on the woman of the house. As much as we might like to consider ourselves fair-minded and/or considerate and/or modern and/or halachically conscientious (choose the description you like best or that offends you least), the preparations don’t seem to be divided evenly or proportionately (when one factors in other responsibilities including outside work, child rearing, etc.).

What follows are some thoughts regarding sensitivity and transcending one’s lethargy and capacity for excuse making, especially appropriate for this season. You probably already know them all. That’s OK—it’s a good time for review. All advanced skills are simply mastery of the basics. Here are the basics. Master them.

For Women: 

• Clarify the Halachic Obligation

First, do what you have to do, but maybe not more. The Talmudic Sages sometimes refrained from legislating an enactment if they felt that it was a “chumra [stringency] which most of the community could not endure”; on a variation of this theme, Rav Scheinberg, zt”l, identified practices regarding cleaning on Pesach that he termed “kulas [leniencies] that most of the community cannot withstand”—that is, the halachah is often much more lenient than popular common practice is. Ask your posek [halachic decisor]—find out what the halachah and your communal custom require that you do … and do that, but not more than that.

People—from the noblest of intentions—prepare according to requirements that go above and beyond what the halachah would require. If there were no counterbalancing considerations, there would be nothing to say. But the exhaustion that culminates in an inability to stay awake at the Seder is a considerable consideration, and many prominent halachic authorities (including the great 19th century Torah scholar Rav Naftali Tzvi Yehudah Berlin, “the Netziv”) caution women against working so hard that they cannot fully participate in the Seder experience.

• Delegate
Enlist the help you need. Some women embrace martyrdom during this period and end up nursing hurt feelings and resentments rather than expressing a very reasonable request for help.

For Men:

Abe goes to see his boss and says, “We’re doing some heavy house cleaning at home tomorrow for Pesach and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff.”

“We’re short-handed, Abe,” the boss replies. “I just can’t give you the day off.”

“Thanks, boss.” says Abe. “I knew I could count on you!”

• Do your part

Do more of the work; pull your weight. There is a Talmudic principle that might apply here: “One fulfills a greater level of mitzvah accomplishment when one participates in the mechanics of performing the mitzvah rather than authorizing an agent to do it on his behalf.” The sense of accomplishment in having a chametz-free home… you have to earn that; it doesn’t come for free. Do your proportionate share of the work, after you allow for factors of work, learning, etc.

We all have obligations outside the house, agreed, and they take up a significant percentage of our time. But the overriding consideration of the season is the preparation for Pesach, and you have a stake in that, as well. As with all things, a conversation with your posek (halachic authority) will give valuable guidance in how you should allocate your time.

You have a stake in your wife’s ability to be present and awake at the Seder. That principle espoused by the Netziv mentioned earlier is your concern, too.

Your recognition of what your wife is doing—as evidenced by your active involvement and cooperation—can spare your wife a lot of emotional hurt and feelings of resentment, and preempt shalom bayit issues that sometimes linger in the home long after the holiday is over.

A group of halachically meticulous students came to Rav Yisrael Salanter and asked him what halachic stringencies they should observe in the preparation of the matzah for the upcoming holiday. Rav Yisrael gave them one: “Don’t yell at the widows preparing the matzah.”

Matzah-baking was low-paying seasonal work, and it tended to attract elderly widows trying to supplement their meager incomes. The process of matzah-baking is very stressful—the clock is ticking and every second counts—and tempers can flare and patience can run thin. It wasn’t uncommon for people to lose their cool as they urged on the women baking. Matzah made in that way lacks a dimension of kedusha (holiness), Rav Yisrael taught them. That lesson is relevant to us, as well. If we were to ask Rav Yisrael what stringencies to observe in our Pesach preparations today, he would tell us, “Do your part, and help your wives.”

• Express gratitude

In addition to your own active involvement in the many preparatory processes, express your gratitude to your wife, fully and meaningfully, in both words and actions. Simply saying “Feige, thank you!” out loud, once, does not discharge the obligation of gratitude for countless hours of backbreaking work. Your wife just spent the better part of the last month getting ready; she deserves something more—her dignity and your decency demand it.

The halacha requires that a man buy his wife a gift before yom tov—this is true before every chag, of course, but perhaps the gift that precedes Pesach should be more elaborate. And so should the expression of gratitude that accompanies it. The card that comes with the gift is probably more important than the gift. Articulate—clearly and fully—as many aspects of your wife’s extraordinary efforts on behalf of her family as you can recognize, and thank her—sincerely, wholeheartedly—for each and every one. Celebrate her halachic integrity and devotion to her family. Do that more than once.

For Children:

• Ditto and ditto

Children, too, have an obligation to participate in the preparations for Pesach and expressions of gratitude. The yeshivas give time off weeks in advance —ostensibly so the kids can help—and indeed, they should. If everyone pulls their weight and acknowledges the herculean efforts of the selfless heroines making it all happen, we make for happier holidays and happier families. It’s the smart thing to do, and it’s the right thing to do… unless we want to consider an apocalyptic future in which the Jewish women commission NASA to begin construction of huge space arks capable of transporting all the Jewish men to the moon.

Reprinted From the OU Guide to Passover 2013/5773.

Ask your most pressing questions about preparing for the holiday and observing its eight days properly. Send in your questions today for the OU’s Pre-Passover Webcast. Tune in on March 12th for the answers. 

Rabbi Cary Friedman is Associate Editor of OU Press | Jewish Educational Publications. He is the author of five books, including “Marital Intimacy,” Compass Books, 2005.

This originally appeared on jewishmom.com.

Sometimes I think I had 12 kids just for the shock value that fact elicits when dropped into casual conversations. At other times, I find myself resentful at being defined by something that is, after all, just a matter of biology: “You know, Varda—that woman with the 12 kids? Yeah. Her.”

It can be kind of nice, at times. Women tend to look at me in amazement and ask me my secrets, as if I were Mother Theresa. The contrarian who resides within wants to respond that fertility is no guarantee of a parenting job well done. That said, I think I have learned a lot about parenting a tribe and I’d like to share some of my favorite tips with you, the reader.

The Epstein family at the wedding of the author’s son last month.

1) Encourage friendships between your children. Sibling rivalry notwithstanding, it is definitely possible for siblings to be friends and this is so important: with a sibling as a friend, one will always have a support system.

My children tend to pair off with the sibling closest in age. These are the children who share their earliest childhood memories of going to the park with mom, or hearing a bedtime story and getting tucked in at one and the same time. Reinforce these bonds by spending time with them as pairs of children. Play games for three, take a nature walk, or make an impromptu picnic in a favorite spot.

2) Give each child his or her due. Children don’t want to be one of many, even if the concept gets them every bit as much attention as it gets their mom. I like the idea of taking just one child out to dinner, once a month, with both parents. It doesn’t have to be a fancy expensive restaurant. The main thing is giving that child your undivided attention. Let your child shine for the evening and revel in her uniqueness.

Also, children want their baby memories. They want to know the special silly names you called them. They want to know their first words. It’s your responsibility to be the archivist and family historian, in order to preserve the egos of your individual children. No excuses.

3) Offer teens an easy way to speak their minds. There is a temptation to organize everything when one has a large family. So I might, for example, note that one of my teens has an issue and want to get right down to the bottom of that problem. As if it’s an item on a to-do list that I can take care of so I can move on to the next thing.

Tackling the issue with your full focus, however, is the surest way to drive a wedge between parent and teen. Better to keep things light and casual. This will make it easier for your teen to open up and talk about what’s bothering him.

Avoiding eye contact, oddly enough, is my favorite tactic here. Instead of asking questions outright while looking my teen in the eye, I may talk to a teen while I’m doing the dishes, my back turned to him. It frees a child to talk about stuff when he doesn’t feel as though he’s under the glare of a giant spotlight.

4) Involve them in good deeds. Think about your child’s special abilities and how these might be put to good use within the community. One of my friends has a child with a rare genetic disorder who needs a great deal of attention. I thought about which of my many children might be able to volunteer to spend time with this child to give the mother a break. I talked to one son and he agreed to give it a try. This turned out to be a long-term project that both benefited my friend and taught my child a great deal about chessed: deeds of loving kindness.

Not every child is suited to work with the disabled, of course. You may need to give it some thought to find the right deed to suit your child. At any rate, I also find it very important to do good deeds within view of my children to serve as an example. You don’t have to point out to your child that you’re doing a mitzvah. It’s enough they see you in action, whether it’s watering a neighbor’s plants while she’s on vacation, calling Kars4Kids car donation charity to donate your car to aid at-risk children, or driving an elderly neighbor to a doctor’s office.

5) Don’t compare. Dear reader, I beg you, don’t compare yourself to other moms such as me on your worst parenting days. Be gentle and remember that we all have off days. Also, consider this: my children didn’t come as a package deal. I got used to them one at a time. Just. Like. You.

Varda Epstein is a mother of 12 children, a blogger, and communications writer at kars4kids.org.

Passover presents pretty significant challenges for people with nut and egg allergies: Almond-flavored egg white macaroons; egg-laden matzoh balls; hazelnut-filled chocolates; and walnut-laced charoses. It seems like nuts and eggs are in every Passover product and recipe. It’s enough to drive a person with allergies or with kids who have allergies, well, nuts. It can leave you feeling overwhelmed and empty-handed, wondering, Is there anything I can make??

The answer is, of course, yes. Here are a number of tips and recipes to calm your nerves and guide you (almost) effortlessly through the Pesach-cooking process.

1) Relax. Though dealing with allergies can feel especially daunting at this time of year—as if there’s nothing else to stress about—we’re never given more than we can handle. So take a deep breath and say, “I can do this.”

I’m not just spouting platitudes; I speak from experience. Mothering multiples with food allergies (including nuts and eggs) has certainly been challenging, but it has also been inspiring. Rising to the challenge is empowering. Keep your eyes and mind on that light of the end of the tunnel: making a beautiful and safe chag (holiday) for yourself and your family.

2) Get creative. My approach to cooking with food allergies is two-fold: 1) What do I need to stay away from? and 2) What can I substitute for it? If I can’t find a reasonable substitute, I make another recipe that doesn’t call for the allergenic ingredient at all. You can make an eggless potato kugel or you can serve mashed potatoes with sautéed onions and mushrooms. Not every side dish must include eggs (surprise!).

3) Plan ahead. Plan your Pesach from the first Seder (the ceremonial Passover dinner) night to the last day. Keep your kitchen stocked with acceptable foods and freeze the more complicated dishes in advance. Have nut-free charoses (sweet, dark-colored, paste eaten at the Seder) available for the Sedarim, skip the hard-boiled eggs, and go over the menu carefully for sources of nuts and eggs (such as sides and desserts). Instead of a decadent egg- and nut-based cake, serve sorbet and fresh seasonal fruit: Your guests will be delighted to have a sweet, light finish to a heavy meal.

4) Stock up. While Passover is extra challenging with nut and egg allergies, it’s actually a reprieve for people with wheat, soy, and corn allergies. Those who need to avoid these ingredients have a tough time during the year because they are often disguised in many foods as fillers and syrups. Soda typically has corn syrup, but not the Kosher for Passover version. Margarine typically has corn and soy, but not on Passover. Stock up on the corn syrup- free ketchup and gluten- free blintzes while you can!

5) Finally, cook. All my recipes are free of: wheat, dairy, eggs, nuts, fish, corn and soy.  They’re simple and flavorful and made with readily available ingredients. The directions are easy to follow so you can get out of the kitchen and enjoy the holiday. The idea is to make things simpler, right?

May you be liberated from Pre-Passover Allergy Anxiety Syndrome: Let’s experience A Taste of Freedom this Pesach.

Nut-Free Charoses

6 medium apples (peeled, cored, and sliced)

1t cinnamon

1t sweet red wine

optional: ¼  cup dates (pitted, checked, and chopped)

Puree all ingredients in a food processor. Consistency should be a coarse puree.

Notes:

If making a traditional walnut version as well, be careful to label the 2 types clearly and to place them in different colored containers to avoid confusion.

Quick and easy kid’s version: applesauce, grape juice, and cinnamon.

Sweet Potato With Pineapple

5 sweet potatoes (peeled)

1 can crushed pineapple

3T brown sugar

touch of cinnamon

Place sweet potatoes in a large pot of water and bring to a boil. Cook for about 45 minutes until potatoes are soft. Drain. Mash Potatoes. Add pineapple and brown sugar.

Place in a baking dish, sprinkle with cinnamon and bake uncovered for 20 minutes at 350.

Lace Cookies

¾ cup sugar

1 ½ cups potato starch

½ cup ground, unsweetened coconut

⅓ stick margarine

2 t of lemon juice (or vanilla extract)

2 T water

Preheat oven to 375. Cream margarine and sugar with beater. Add remaining ingredients and combine until smooth.

Drop small balls of mixture onto a cookie sheet (lightly sprayed with baking spray). Cookies will spread, leave room between them. Bake at 375 for 10 minutes. Use the edge of a spatula to separate cookies if they spread into each other. Gently reshape the cookies if necessary while still warm.

Let cookies cool and harden before transferring to an airtight container.

Tamar Warga, MS-CCC, SLP is a licensed and certified Speech Language Pathologist and a certifiably crazy mother of 10 (4 with food allergies). She is also the author of A Taste of Sweetness for Rosh Hashana Food Allergy E-Cookbook and A Taste of Freedom Passover Food Allergy Cookbook. Tamar blogs at Kosherfoodallergies.blogspot.com, ”where kosher Jews get allergy news.”

Steve Savitsky interviews Pessie (Sherry) Horowitz about how she pursued the atypical path of poetry.

Savitsky Talks is a weekly 20 minute audio program with interviews and discussions that probe and explore contemporary Jewish life. Steve Savitsky’s unusually direct and objective approach make this program a refreshing take on the Jewish community’s often challenging role in the world.

Steve Savitsky talks with Peter Abelow, a tour-guide in Israel (among many other things), about family trip ideas in Israel.

Savitsky Talks is a weekly 20 minute audio program with interviews and discussions that probe and explore contemporary Jewish life. Steve Savitsky’s unusually direct and objective approach make this program a refreshing take on the Jewish community’s often challenging role in the world.

Steve Savitsky interviews Rabbi Nachum Rabinowitz, Rabbinic Coordinator at the Orthodox Union, discussing what gebrochtz–broken-down matzah, which is used an ingredient in products further–is all about.

Speaking of gebrochtz, read Hold the Knaidlach at Jewish Action.

Savitsky Talks is a weekly 20 minute audio program with interviews and discussions that probe and explore contemporary Jewish life. Steve Savitsky’s unusually direct and objective approach make this program a refreshing take on the Jewish community’s often challenging role in the world.

Like many people who have gone through a traumatic health scare, cancer survivors face a paradox.

On one hand, they live with a daily fear that cancer will return or that their futures are now uncertain. On the other hand, many find that cancer has made them appreciate life in both its grand concept and everyday normality all the more.

Many survivors express their gratitude for “the little things.” One survivor told me, “I never thought about the feel of wet hair on my neck following a shower.  However, while undergoing treatments it was one of the feelings I missed most.  Now that I have completed treatment and my hair has grown back, I try and pay attention to that feeling every time I take a shower.”

I was fascinated by the word “try,” because it highlighted the reality that even for those who have faced death, appreciating the here and now can be a challenge. We all say that we’re going to savor every second, but remembering the minutes is difficult. Many survivors can attest to the fact that immediately following their return to everyday life, they could honestly tell you that they appreciated the everyday more.  However, most often report that it is a feeling that unfortunately begins to dissipate with time.

I spoke with a parent of a survivor who related that while with each year the very intense memories begin to fade, sadly the lessons learned fade as well.  How can we hold on to that feeling? How can each of us bring the feeling of appreciating the here and now, living in the moment, into our daily lives?

We live life in the present.   But so often, the present is overshadowed with our worrying about the future and ruminating over the past.  How often do we dream about our next vacation, only to find that we spend the days away from work worrying about what we will find when we return?  Do we ever take the time to stop and really live in the moment?

Psychologists at Harvard University set out to prove that living in the moment contributes greatly to one’s level of happiness.  They discovered that 50 percent of people don’t live in the moment, and that people spend nearly half their time (46.7%) thinking about something other than what they are actually doing, and that this distraction can actually make us less happy. How often when we commute to work we realize that we are at our exit or train stop, but we don’t really remember the ones we’ve passed?

Psychologist Matthew A. Killingsworth, lead author of the Harvard study wrote:

Human beings have this unique ability to focus on other things that aren’t happening right now.  That allows them to reflect on the past and learn from it; it allows them to anticipate and plan for the future; and it allows them to imagine things that might never occur. At the same time, it seems that human beings often use this ability in ways that are not productive and furthermore can be destructive to our happiness.

In other words, focus on what you’re doing now and you may find your life more satisfying.

While there is clear benefit to living in the moment, how do we do start, and how to do we sustain it?

Living in the moment, also called mindfulness, is a state of active, open, intentional attention on the present.  Being in the moment can allow us to appreciate the everyday, it can allow us to appreciate the small things, without focusing solely on the mistakes of the past, or the unknown of the future.  I would like to propose six steps to help each of us live more in the moment.

1. Be aware of the world around you.  Look around.  Try and find something beautiful around you.  Noticing small things can make even an ordinary routine day a little more beautiful and brighter.  Be thankful for these little things.
2. Focus on what you are doing.  Pay attention to your all your senses: attend to what you hear, see, smell.  Slow down. Savor the feeling. It may make change how you approach even the mundane chores, from giving the kids a bath to walking home after exiting the train.
3. Smile.  There is scientific evidence that the expressions you make with your face can actually influence how you feel.  Smile when you talk and others around you will feel happier too.
4. Commit random, spontaneous acts of kindness.  Better the world around you.  Look around and find ways throughout the day to do something good for others.  Donate a dollar in the grocery store. Pick up a piece of litter from the ground. Pay someone a compliment.  It’s all about being aware of what’s around you, and responding to your environment.  These small acts can have a great impact, but unless you are truly living in the present, you won’t even notice the opportunities that are always out there.
5. Minimize activities that dull your awareness of the moment.  Pay attention to what you are doing that generally allows your mind to wander.  Are you watching television? Surfing the Internet?  Daydreaming and getting lost in a good book isn’t bad, but it’s not living in the moment. Be active, do something that keeps you in the present, not something that allows you to be passive. Zone in, not out.
6. Be thankful for what is.  We all wish certain parts of our lives were different, but rather than focus on what we don’t have, focus on what we do have.  There is a great quote, “What if you woke up today with only the things you thanked G-d for yesterday?”  Think about all the things you have in your life you can be thankful for.  This will bring you back to the present, rather than thinking of what could have been or what you hope will be.

Created by survivors for survivors, R-Mission is the first program designed to meet the needs of Jewish young adults and adults who have completed treatment for cancer and their families. Through activities and an online community, R-Mission endeavors to help survivors adjust to post-treatment life and explore the totality of their experience within the context of their Jewish identity. For more information or to participate, visit www.r-mission.org.

Cheryl Greenberger, Ph.D., is the  Director of Clinical & Family Services for Chai Lifeline, the international children’s health support network, and Director of R-Mission, a new Chai Lifeline program for cancer survivors and their families.

Bullying is the abuse that happens to our children. We need to exhibit the same intolerance that we do for physical abuse. Parents and educators must take an active role in educating and disciplining in a way that makes this damaging behavior taboo.

Watch the To This Day video to get a glimpse into the pain and lasting effects of bullying. Watch To This Day to be motivated to make a change. 

Note: While we don’t endorse pork chops, we do endorse the very important message in this video. 

Shane Koyczan is an award-winning Canadian Poet, Author and Performer.

Isn’t it a wonderful custom that we have?  We take a small shot of whisky, say “l’chaim!” and swig it down.  According to Rabbi Shraga Simmons of Aish HaTorah, the custom of saying “l’chaim” when drinking wine is first mentioned in “Machzor Vitri” 80, s.v. “Shnayim.”

At one time, they used to give wine to the condemned so that their execution would be less painful for them – (source: “Midrash Tanchuma” Parshat Pekudei 2).  Jews started to say “l’chaim” (which means “to life”) before drinking wine to distinguish from this and to emphasize that drinking wine should be for life – (source: “Kol Boh” 25 s.v “U’B'Seudat”) and not for death.  There is an ongoing discussion about the harm versus the health benefits of drinking alcohol.  Let’s try to sort it out.

Alcohol, or ethyl alcohol (ethanol), refers to the intoxicating ingredient found in wine, beer and hard liquor.  Alcohol arises naturally from carbohydrates when certain micro-organisms metabolize them in the absence of oxygen, called fermentation.  Beer, wine and other liquor contain different amounts of alcohol.  The amount of alcohol in distilled liquor is known as “proof.”  Proof refers to the amount of alcohol in the liquor; for example, 100 proof liquor contains 50% alcohol, 40 proof liquor contains 20% alcohol, and so on.  Traditional wine has approximately 8-14% alcohol, while regular beer has 4-6% alcohol.

Recent studies show that moderate use of alcohol may have a beneficial effect on the coronary system.  In general, for healthy people, one drink per day for women and no more than two drinks per day for men would be considered the maximum amount of alcohol consumption to be considered moderate use.  (By healthy people, we are referring to non-pregnant women, individuals not addicted to alcohol, and people without pre-existing medical conditions, among others).  However, the amount of alcohol that a person can drink safely is highly individual, depending on genetics, age, sex, weight and family history,

According to the Mayo Clinic, moderate alcohol consumption may provide some health benefits. It may:

• Reduce your risk of developing heart disease
• Reduce your risk of dying of a heart attack
• Possibly reduce your risk of strokes, particularly ischemic strokes
• Lower your risk of gallstones
• Possibly reduce your risk of diabetes

Even so, say the people at Mayo, the evidence about the possible health benefits of alcohol isn’t certain, and alcohol may not benefit everyone who drinks. Moderate alcohol use may be of most benefit only if you’re an older adult or if you have existing risk factors for heart disease, such as high cholesterol. If you’re a middle-aged or younger adult, some evidence shows that even moderate alcohol use may cause more harm than good. In fact, if you’re a woman and drink alcohol, talk to your doctor about taking supplemental folate to help reduce the risk of breast cancer associated with alcohol use. You can take other steps to benefit your cardiovascular health besides drinking — eating a healthy diet and exercising, for example.

The 2010 Dietary Guidelines for Americans recommend that if you choose to drink alcohol, you should do so only in moderation — up to one drink a day for women or two drinks a day for men.

Examples of one drink include:

• Beer: 12 fluid ounces (355 milliliters)
• Wine: 5 fluid ounces (148 milliliters)
• Distilled spirits (80 proof): 1.5 fluid ounces (44 milliliters)

Here are other situations in which the risks of alcohol use may outweigh possible health benefits:

• You’re pregnant or trying to become pregnant
• You take medications that can interact with alcohol
• You’ve had a previous hemorrhagic stroke
• You’ve been diagnosed with alcoholism or alcohol abuse
• You have liver or pancreatic disease
• You have heart failure or you’ve been told you have a weak heart or dilated cardiomyopathy
• You’re planning to drive a vehicle or operate machinery

We have to be very careful about our drinking.  This is something that when goes beyond the limits can end tragically.  There is always the danger of G-d forbid an accident, but just as dangerous is the possibility of alcohol addiction which can lead to cirrhoses of the liver and cancer.  Ultimately, the person would need a liver transplant to survive.  The complications also include:

• Ascites (fluid buildup in the abdomen)
• Variceal hemorrhage (bleeding in the upper stomach and esophagus from ruptured blood vessels)
• Spontaneous bacterial peritonitis is a form of peritonitis (inflammation of the membrane that lines the abdomen), which is associated with ascites. Other bacterial infections are also a common complication of cirrhosis.
• Hepatic encephalopathy (damage to the brain). Impaired brain function occurs when the liver cannot detoxify harmful substances, and can lead to coma.

Having a l’chaim is wonderful.  I highly recommend it and it can even be a heart-healthy thing to do.  But anything beyond the moderate levels we have enumerated are not good.

Lamb Shashlik

Ingredients:

• 1 lb. lamb trimmed of all fat, and cut into
  2-inch cubes (leg or shoulder of lamb)
• ½ cup lemon juice
• ¼ cup garlic, chopped
• ½ cup olive oil
• 1 tsp. black pepper
• 1 tsp. salt
• 1 tbsp. rosemary
• 2 medium onions, cut into eighths
• 2 large peppers (of assorted colors),
  cut into 1-inch chunks

Directions:

1. In a bowl, combine lamb, lemon juice, garlic, olive oil, pepper, salt, and rosemary.
2. Marinate for at least 2-3 hours prior to cooking.
3. Place marinated beef on skewers (about 6 cubes per skewer).
4. Be sure to apply a light coat of oil on the skewer prior to threading the meat.
5. Place onion and pepper on separate skewers, alternating type of vegetable.
6. Cook lamb shashlik skewers on grill or under broiler for 10-12 minutes, or until desired doneness. Turn to ensure even cooking.
7. Grill vegetable skewers for last 5 minutes of grilling. Turn. The vegetables should be crisp, yet tender. Be careful not to overcook.

Note: The meat and veggies are cooked on different skewers because the meat will take longer to grill.

Blueberry Crumble

Ingredients:

Blueberry Filling:

• 4 cups fresh blueberries
• ¼ cup white sugar
  (do not add sugar if blueberries
  are naturally very sweet)
• juice of 1 lemon

Crust and Crumb Topping:

• ¾ cup white sugar
• ¼ cup brown sugar
• 1 tsp. baking powder
• 2 cups ground almonds
• 2 cups matzo cake meal
• ¼ tsp. salt
• zest of 1 lemon
• ¼ cup (½ stick) unsalted butter or
  margarine, cold and cut into cubes
• 1 egg
• ¼ cup toasted slivered almonds

Directions:

1. Preheat oven to 375° and grease a 9×13-inch baking pan.
2. In a mixing bowl combine the blueberry filling ingredients. Stir until mixed well and set aside.
3. In a separate bowl, mix together the white sugar, brown sugar, baking powder, ground almonds, cake meal, salt, and lemon zest until well combined. Add the butter and egg, and use a pastry cutter to blend the ingredients until well combined and you still have pea-sized chunks of butter. Mix in the slivered almonds.
4. Place half of the crust mixture into the baking dish and press it firmly into the bottom. Spoon the blueberry mixture into crust, being careful not to add too much of the liquid.
5. Crumble the rest of the crust mixture over the blueberries so that it is evenly distributed. Bake for 50 minutes until the crumb topping is golden brown.
6. Let cool for at least an hour before cutting. Cut into 24 squares. This dish is best served just slightly above room temperature, but any leftovers can be stored in the refrigerator.

Salt & Pepper Kugel

Ingredients:

• 3 cups spaghetti squash, shredded
• 3 large eggs
• 1 tsp. salt
• 1 tsp. pepper
• 2 tsp. sugar
• ¼ cup matzo meal
• ¼ cup canola oil

Directions:

1. Preheat oven to 350°.
2. Mix all ingredients except for the oil.
3. Pour oil into a 9×12-inch pan, and place in preheated oven for 5 minutes.
4. Pour squash mixture into hot oil.
5. Bake for 45 minutes.
6. Remove kugel from oven and pour off excess oil.
7. If the kugel is still too watery, bake out some of the moisture before serving.

Poached Peach & Chicken Salad

Ingredients:

• ¾ cup balsamic vinegar
• 2 sprigs fresh thyme
• Kosher salt & ground black pepper
• 2 peaches
  (12 oz. total), halved & pitted
• 4½ tsp. olive oil
• 4 cups baby greens

Chicken:

• 1 lb. chicken breasts
• 1 tsp. salt
• 1½ tsp. paprika
• 1⁄8 tsp. garlic powder
• 1⁄8 tsp. onion powder
• 2 tbsp. honey
• 2 tbsp. olive oil
• 2 tsp. cumin
• 2 tsp. rosemary
• salt & pepper

Directions:

1. Prepare a medium gas or charcoal grill fire. (Note: If you don’t have a grill, you can cook the chicken in a sauté pan in its marinade.)
2. Combine vinegar and thyme in a 2-quart saucepan. Bring to a boil over medium heat.
3. Reduce the heat to a simmer and cook until the mixture is thick, syrupy, and reduced to ¼ cup, about 6-9 minutes.
4. Cook peaches in the syrup for 2 minutes until soft. Remove from the heat, discard the thyme sprigs, and season with a pinch of salt and a few grinds of black pepper.
5. Season chicken and grill or sauté in a pan until cooked.
6. In a medium bowl, toss the baby greens with the remaining 2½ tsp. oil and season to taste with salt and pepper. Arrange on a platter.
7. Top with the chicken and peaches. Drizzle with about 2 tbsp. of the reduced balsamic, adding more to taste. Season to taste with salt, pepper, and remaining juice from chicken and peaches.

Tip: Substitute chicken with 1/4 cup feta cheese for a dairy meal.

Cabbage Soup with Matzoh Meatballs

Ingredients:

• 1 large onion, diced
• 4 garlic cloves, chopped
• 5 tbsp. canola oil
• 1 tbsp. sugar
• 4 tomatoes, diced
• 1 large green cabbage, chopped
• 8 cups chicken stock
• 1 tbsp. honey
• 2 cups tomato sauce

Matzo Meatballs:

• ½ cup matzo meal
• ½ lb. ground beef
• 3 eggs
• salt and pepper
• 1 tbsp. oregano
• 1 tsp. cumin

Directions:

1. Sauté onion and garlic in canola oil until brown.
2. Add sugar and caramelize.
3. Add remaining ingredients and bring to a boil.
4. Let boil for 30 minutes and then simmer.
5. While the soup is boiling, mix all ingredients for the matzo meatballs.
6. Form into balls, then add the matzo meatballs to the boiling soup. Cook for 20 minutes.

Try the Award-Winning The No-Potato Passover this year: Leave behind plain potatoes and opt for healthy, delicious and creative food. Find easy-to-make recipes, vibrant travel photography from across the world, original options to create fantastic dishes for Passover and all year-long, and low-carb and gluten-free recipes.

No pasta or rice, no bulgur, couscous or kasha, no beans or legumes—no problem! Check out Jewish Action for Perfect Passover Side Dishes.

Everything you need or want to know about Passover is HERE: Check out OU Kosher’s Passover site for product searches, answers to your FAQs, videos, articles, and more. Also available for free download are the Passover Guide and the Kosher App. 

Aviva Kanoff is a personal chef, painter, photographer and mixed media artist. She is a graduate of the French Culinary Institute and has a degree in studio art from Hunter College in NY. 

Steve Savitsky interviews the IPA‘s Nathan Diament about the effort to get FEMA funding for synagogues that sustained damage in Sandy.

Support the OU/IPA’s efforts to secure FEMA aid, obtain government support for Jewish education, protect the religious freedom of our shuls, ensure the security and welfare of Israel and more. Help our causes today. 

Savitsky Talks is a weekly 20 minute audio program with interviews and discussions that probe and explore contemporary Jewish life. Steve Savitsky’s unusually direct and objective approach make this program a refreshing take on the Jewish community’s often challenging role in the world.

Rachel’s matchmaker had given her the green light.  Jacob was going to contact her that night (he was finally available!) and they would arrange a date.  As Rachel awaited his call, she thought about what he would look like and wondered where they would go.

Her phone buzzed with an incoming text, interrupting her reverie.  To her shock, it was Jacob, texting to schedule their date.  “What chutzpah (nerve),” she thought (and later told her friends).  “He doesn’t even have the courtesy to call and talk to me.”

If you ask someone who was in the dating scene only ten years ago what role texting and emailing played in his or her relationship, my guess is that he or she would say it was a moot point.  No one I knew had texting on their phones (was it even around?), and while its absence may seem inconvenient now, it certainly made dating etiquette less complicated.

The world is a different place today and texting and emailing play far larger roles in our relationships. The benefits are obvious; the difficulties less blatant, more complex.  Navigating the intricacies of chatting, texting, and emailing within the already-complicated world of dating can sometimes require Herculean efforts. When to chat?  When to call? Is it rude to chat to confirm a pickup time?  Will he think I’m too forward if I text him?  The questions go on and on.

With so many uncertainties surrounding texting and emailing, why do singles rely on them so heavily?  Wouldn’t it simply be easier to rule them out of the dating process?

Not always. Singles often use texting and emailing to progress a relationship.  Sandy Weiner, Dating Coach and owner of Last First Date, explains that “you can stay in touch and let someone know you’re thinking of them by texting throughout the day without being intrusive.”

Michael Feldstein, a member of the Advisory Committee for YU Connects, agrees that these modes of communication at times do make things easier for singles—but not always better.  “I think many singles are using email and texting as a way to protect themselves from getting too close in a relationship or dealing with issues that they prefer to avoid in a face-to-face environment.”

Case in point? Break ups.

“I’ve heard stories about guys who have broken up with girls after being in a relationship through a text or an email – there is no excuse for doing something like that,” says Feldstein.
As much as a text can help someone express a hard-to-say compliment, its potential to do significant damage to a relationship or allow for such rude behavior makes it a double-edged sword.

Moreover, there have been plenty of cases of mistaken identity associated with texting.  “People sometimes text the wrong person, which can lead to pushing away a potential match,” relates Weiner. “For example, you’re set up with two women, and you’re going on first dates with both of them. You’re in communication with both, and by mistake, you text Susan and call her Karen. Not a good move!”

At the root of many of these tech-related issues is a lack of protocol informing proper behavior. Many men and women in relationships are flat-out confused by the lack of protocol with texting and the like in dating.  There are no set rules and what’s deemed appropriate by one person may be viewed as inappropriate by another.  “Women don’t know if it’s too forward to initiate texting a man,” says Weiner.  “And men don’t know if they’re texting too much and possibly pushing a woman away.”

Facebook can also be detrimental to relationships.  If people in a relationship post pictures of themselves with members of the opposite sex (who are not their significant others) it can cause jealousy or confusion. Some people go so far as to change their relationship status from “in a relationship” to “single” without informing the person they had been dating.

But more than simply making a dating faux pas, texting, emailing and Facebook use can hinder relationships.  Gestures, body language, tone of voice, or facial expressions that convey emotions and attitude can never be translated into typed words.  As a dating coach, Weiner understands just how vital that face-to-face communication is.

“Texting is a poor substitute for true connection,” she says.  “Lots of relationships never take off in a truly connected heart-to-heart manner without the in-person contact and connection.  It’s fine for short informational communication, not so for emotional connection.  My rule: Do text facts and directions.  Don’t text your emotions.”

Feldstein agrees.  “You can be the most tech savvy person in the world, but ultimately a relationship is built on spending quality time together in person. An honest and sincere relationship should be more than just words exchanged on a screen between two individuals.”

Despite her reservations, Rachel went out with Jacob.  He was courteous and polite, and they bonded in a meaningful way over sushi.  She had a great time and realized that her dramatic reaction was excessive and that Jacob’s initial text did not accurately reflect the kind of person he was.

There are so many ifs when dating and technology intersect.  Perhaps the best thing to keep in mind is to always treat others with the respect and courtesy we would hope to be treated with ourselves. As new tech gadgets evolve and old ones slowly fade away (remember rotary phones?), remember this: good manners never go out of style.   

Chana Mayefsky is a freelance writer and editor and a regular contributor to the Orthodox Union and Publishers Weekly. She lives in Hillside, NJ with her husband and two daughters.

When kids complain, parents often don’t know what to do. They may try to convince their children that there is nothing to complain about or they will try to fix the situation to make their child happy.

Either way, kids will still whine and grumble.

The best way to handle your child’s gripe is to deliver empathy. This makes children feel heard and also teaches them to take responsibility for their own negative feelings–and to change them. Empathy helps children understand that they are not prisoners to their tough emotions.

Kids do not like to feel annoyed and irritated–who does?–but they may get bogged down by it. Empathy helps pull them out of their bad mood by giving them the space to have such emotions, and then providing a neutral ground where they can asses “next steps.” Instead of a struggle about whether it’s a big deal that your child doesn’t like what’s being served for dinner, or creating a quick fix via mom whipping up a new meal, empathy acknowledges the issue and, as such, puts a cap on the complaining without making your kids intolerable of uncomfortable situations.

Here are some examples of how this works, where instead of making your child happy or denying their feelings, you can try delivering empathy:

Your child complains that his shoes are too tight right when it is time to leave.

a. Your shoes are really uncomfortable.

b. You wish we didn’t have to leave right now so you had time to change your shoes.

c. While we are in the car, let’s think of a time that we can go to the shoe store and get new shoes.

d. I bet you wish we could go to the shoe store right now.

e. I am so sorry about your shoes; what are you going to do?

Your child complains about her schoolwork.

a. You seem concerned about your schoolwork. You sound a little overwhelmed.

b. You wish you didn’t have to do this report. You wish homework assignments weren’t so time-consuming.

c. Sounds rough. Did you have some thoughts on how you are going to get organized?

3. Your child does not want to go to bed.

a. You seem upset about your bedtime. You really don’t feel like getting into bed.

b. You wish that you could go to sleep later. You wish you didn’t have to go to sleep so early!

c. You are having a hard time with this. It is bedtime. How are you going to get into bed and get yourself to sleep?

It is normal for children to complain and whine. Even adults do it sometimes. Kids need to be taught that it is okay, but there are limits. They need to pull themselves together take responsibility for their feelings and handle their everyday problems. Empathy helps them do just that. 

Adina Soclof, MS. CCC-SLP, works as a Parent Educator for Bellefaire Jewish Children’s Bureau facilitating How to Talk so Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids will Talk workshops as well as workshops based on Siblings Without Rivalry. Adina also runs parentingsimply.com. 

The holiday of Purim is fast approaching–quite early this year–and lucky for me, because Purim is one of my favorite Jewish holidays.  My children are counting the days, because they know that on Purim I look the other way as bags and boxes of sweets and treats pile up outside our door.  I make the conscious choice to be a practical mom, rather than a determined dietitian, but I do try to include some healthy choices in the gifts I give to others.

If your mishloach manot (gifts of food) basket looks like it was sponsored by Hershey’s, perhaps you may want to try something different this year.   We take time contemplating our costumes, so why not our gift baskets?

We are obligated to give at least two foods to at least one person.  While time and budget often dictate our choices, and there never seems to  be enough of either, here are a few healthy and kosher substitutions that the kids may even thank you for:

• Use whole wheat flour, instead of white flour (white whole wheat flour is less noticeable).
• Substitute standard chocolate with a high-cacao dark chocolate.
• Replace some junk food with some toys, sports cards, or comic books.

I love the idea of building mishloach manot baskets around a theme.  It gives me some focus and can get really fun.  I am no Martha Stewart, so my friends know better than to expect award-winning craftsmanship, but I try to get points for creativity!  Below you can find some of my favorite themes (starred items have recipes included below):

Taste of Israel – Olives, Hummus, Whole Wheat Pita Chips, Zaatar

Spa Surprise – Herbal Tea, Chobani Greek Yogurt, Apple Chips* and Granola*

Coffee Lovers – Fresh Ground Coffee, Flavored Creamers, Dark Chocolate Covered Espresso Beans

Roman Holiday – Whole Wheat Pasta, Sauce, Biscotti

Movie Night Light – Air Popped Seasoned Popcorn, Terra Chips, Dried Fruit

PB&J – Natural Peanut Butter, All-Fruit Preserves, Whole Grain Bread

Very Veggie – Vegetable Snack Chips, Low-Calorie Dip, Edamame

Lower East Side – Whole Wheat Bagels with Low Fat Cream Cheese and Packaged Lox

Here are a few recipes to help you create your healthy mishloach manot:

Whole Wheat Pumpkin Hamantashen

These come out amazing with White Whole Wheat flour; if you use regular whole wheat they will be a little darker.

Times

Prep Time : 40 min
Cook Time : 10 min
Ready Time : 50 min

Servings

36

Ingredients

Pumpkin Filling:
1 15 oz. can pumpkin puree
2 Tablespoons maple syrup
3 Tablespoons light brown sugar
1 teaspoon pumpkin pie spice

Dough:
2 Eggs
2/3 cup vegetable oil
1 tablespoon Vanilla
3/4 cup Sugar
2 1/2 cups white whole wheat flour, plus more for rolling
2 teaspoons Baking powder
1/2 teaspoon salt

Directions

Preheat oven to 350. For filling, mix pumpkin with the rest of the filling ingredients, set aside.
For dough, beat eggs, oil, vanilla and sugar together in a mixer or by hand. Add flour, baking powder and salt and mix until well combined.
Place dough on a floured surface and roll out to 1/8 inch thick, cut out rounds with a cup or biscuit cutter.
Drop a teaspoon of filling in the middle of the circles, pinch three corners together forming a triangle. Place on parchment lined cookie sheet. Bake for 10 minutes at 350. Egg wash if desired to make them shiny.

Nutrition Information for 1 cookie: 94 calories, 4.5 grams of fat, 13 g of carboyhdrate, 1.2 g fiber, 2 g of protein

Healthy Homemade Granola

I love homemade granola. You can change the flavor to your liking and it is a great snack on its own or with a yogurt.

Times

Prep Time : 10 min
Cook Time : 20 min
Ready Time : 30 min

Servings

16

Ingredients

3 cups rolled oats
1 cup nuts of choice (slivered almonds, chopped walnuts)
1/4 cup wheat germ
1/4 cup shelled hemp seed (or flaxseed)
1/4 cup dark brown sugar
1/4 cup Maple Syrup
1/4 cup vegetable oil
3/4 teaspoon salt
1 tablespoon cinnamon
1 tablespoon vanilla extract
1 cup dried fruit (raisins, craisins, cherries, apricots)

Directions

Preheat oven to 375 F. In a large bowl, combine oats, nuts, wheat germ and hemp seeds.
In a small pot slowly heat brown sugar, maple syrup, oil, salt, cinnamon and vanilla together. Heat until sugar is dissolved.
Pour over oat mixture and mix well. Lay granola on a large sheet pan. Sprinkle with a little water and smush handfuls with your hands.
Cook for 20 minutes, stirring halfway through. Remove from oven and transfer to a bowl, add dried fruit and store in an airtight container.

Nutrition Information per 1/2 cup: 200 calories, 10 g fat, 26 g carbohydrate, 4.8 g protein

Cinnamon Apple Chips

These are addictive so make a lot.

Times

Prep Time : 10 min
Cook Time : 2 hour
Ready Time : 130 min

Servings

4

Ingredients

2 Granny smith apples
1 tablespoon sugar
1 teaspoon cinnamon
1 tablespoon Lemon juice
cold water

Directions

Turn oven to lowest setting.
Fill a bowl with cold water and sprinkle over the lemon juice. Using a mandoline or very sharp knife, slice apples directly into the bowl of water.
Line a baking sheet with parchment paper and place the apple slices on the sheet after shaking off the excess liquid off it.
Sprinkle with cinnamon and sugar. Put into the oven for at least 2 hours, until the apple slices are crisp.

Nutrition Information: 74 calories, 20 g carbohydrate

Tamar Genger MA, RD is the Executive Editor of JoyofKosher.com with Jamie Geller, the number one food and recipe site for the kosher foodie with over 5,000 recipes and a growing community.  Tamar is also a dietitian and mother of three amazing children. She works to balance her passion for healthy cooking with her insatiable desire for chocolate!

There are a lot of misconceptions that people have about Judaism. Even observant Jews fall for the myths sometimes.

MYTH: One is supposed to throw bread when reciting the Tashlich prayer on Rosh Hashana.

REALITY: Tashlich is supposed to be said at a body of water that has fish in it. One may not feed wild animals – including fish – on yom tov (festivals). Therefore, if Tashlich is recited on Rosh Hashana, bread specifically should not be thrown.

MYTH: A person with a tattoo cannot be buried in a Jewish cemetery.

REALITY: While tattooing is clearly prohibited by the Torah, the idea that a tattooed Jew cannot be interred with his coreligionists appears to be a scare tactic used by previous generations so much that it has become culturally ingrained.

MYTH: Jews are not allowed to donate organs.

REALITY: Ay, there’s the rub.

Judaism has the utmost respect for the deceased. We don’t leave a person’s remains unattended. We try to bury as quickly as possible. We certainly don’t mutilate a person’s body after his or her death. For this reason, autopsies are generally not performed. People mistakenly assume that this also applies to organ donation. It doesn’t.

You have probably learned that one can violate all but three “cardinal” sins to save a life. These three sins are murder, adultery and idolatry. But saving a life overrides all other prohibitions (except in a time of forced assimilation). If someone needs a hospital on Shabbos, for example, we may drive him there in order to save his life. If one needs to eat non-kosher food for compelling medical needs, he may do so. And, if an organ from a deceased individual can save another person’s life, that supersedes other interests including a speedy burial and not tampering with the remains. It is therefore wholly permissible to donate life-saving organs, assuming that the donor is actually already deceased.

Remember, however, that murder is one of the three sins that one may not commit in order to save a life. The Talmud (Shabbos 151b) tells us that one who closes the eyes of a dying person, hastening his death by mere moments, is a full-fledged murderer. Taking an organ from a dying person, thereby hastening his death, would be absolutely prohibited. The relevant question, therefore, is, “What constitutes death in Jewish law?”

This is actually the topic of a longstanding debate. The Talmud in Yoma (85a) discusses the case of a person trapped under a pile of rubble on Shabbos. If he’s still alive, we must dig him out but if he is already dead, we must wait until after Shabbos. (We may violate the laws of Shabbos to save a life but not to preserve the dignity of a corpse.) There are two opinions in the Talmud there as to how to determine whether or not a person is still alive. One says to check and see if the victim is still breathing; the other says to check his pulse. These two opinions have ramifications today, in the form of brain-stem death (reflecting the cessation of autonomous breathing) vs. cardiac death.

Brain-stem death is not a coma. A person whose brain stem is dead is not going to wake up. Brain-stem death counts as the moment of death under civil law in the US and elsewhere. The question is whether such a person is still considered alive under Jewish law. If they are, stopping the heart and taking the organs is murder and not permitted even to save another’s life. This is obviously a very serious matter but since many life-saving organs are only viable at this stage, it’s important for a person to evaluate the matter in consultation with a rabbi well-versed in the subject.

There are other relevant questions when it comes to organ donation. For example, we may only use the donor’s remains because doing so can help to save a life. But what about corneas? The Talmud in Nedarim (64b) compares blindness to death, based on Eicha 3:6, “He caused me to dwell in darkness, like those long dead.” Based on this and other considerations, there are authorities who permit even cornea donation.

It’s clear that organ donation is permitted under halacha to one degree or another. The devil, as the saying goes, is in the details. I encourage everyone reading this to check out the Halachic Organ Donor Society (www.hods.org – I’m a member!). A person can have his or her organs used only for life-saving transplants, in consultation with their rabbi and with maximum care given to their mortal remains. One can choose between waiting to have organs removed after the irreversible cessation of autonomous breathing, confirmed by brain-stem death, or only after the irreversible cessation of heartbeat. (Full disclosure: my card opts for irreversible cessation of heartbeat. This limits the number of organs that might be used but it was the opinion of the rav I consulted. Many authorities – I daresay most – agree that the irreversible cessation of autonomous breathing constitutes the moment of death. I encourage everyone to investigate the matter with their own rabbi and not simply do what I did.)

I cannot stress strongly enough that I am not poskining – that is, I am not ruling in matters of Jewish law; issues such as this are way beyond my pay grade. When I state that things are permitted or prohibited, I am walking in a path that has been well-trod by others. But this is such an important matter, I truly believe that it behooves everyone to look into halachic organ donation and to contribute to the fullest extent that one’s conscience permits.

“It seems clear that kidney donation is permitted, though not obligatory. Is there anything else to discuss?” Find out at Jewish Action in Kidney Donation in Jewish Law:  A Testimony to the Progress of Science and Medical Halachah.

Rabbi Jack Abramowitz is Torah Content Editor at the Orthodox Union. He is the author of five books, including The Tzniyus Book. His latest work, The Taryag Companion, is available from OU Press as well as on Amazon.

There are two types of congregants: those who talk and those who shush. I’m a shusher. More specifically, I’m a recovering shusher. I’m trying to suppress the urge to shush because, honestly, it can do as much harm as good.

For some reason, talking in shul is a real hot-button issue. A number of years ago, a pamphlet was distributed to shuls that described in some vivid details the fires of Hell that await those who talk in shul. (I’m barely exaggerating when I say that!) Unsurprisingly, shushers loved this piece and talkers despised it with a passion.

Having written a large number of educational pamphlets over the years, and not exactly being the fire-and-brimstone type, I decided to write a pamphlet on this topic in my own style. When I showed it to colleagues for feedback, I received the following responses:

RABBI A: It’s too strong.

RABBI B: It’s not strong enough.

RABBI C: I defer to Rabbi D.

RABBI D: I don’t believe in pamphlets.

And so, this particular piece sits on my computer desktop for five years.

The problem with talker education is that the talkers know talking in shul is wrong; they just don’t care. Sometimes you get lucky and you shush someone who really does care and just slipped. For the most part, however, when you shush a talker, all you accomplish is creating a confrontation. This also leads to what I call “The Cycle of Shush.”

What’s The Cycle of Shush? You see, most people are human. As such, they tend to slip up from time to time. Even those who are generally careful not to talk in shul may make an occasional mistake. Talkers take great pleasure in shushing a shusher. What ends up happening is the shusher shushes the talker, the talker shushes the shusher, and you end up with an endless shush cycle of shushers shushing talkers shushing shushers. (While all this is going on, others are probably still talking.) Not only can shushing be as disturbing as talking, it becomes a game of one-upmanship. The shushers want to “win” so much that they’ve forgotten their original goal: to create an environment conducive to harmonious communal prayer. A shush-war can be many things, but harmonious it ain’t.

There are many reasons not to talk in shul. It’s disrespectful to G-d. It’s discourteous to others. It’s bad education for children. It defeats the purpose of going to shul in the first place. Shushers generally feel that they are standing up for the sanctity of the synagogue but if they know in advance that their actions are going to exacerbate the situation, a new course of action may be called for.

As a recovering shusher, I have modified my modus operandi. I no longer shush at the first sign of talking; I wait until it actually becomes a distraction to others. I try not to shush individuals, preferring instead to issue a quiet, general “shhhhh….” While talking is not permitted at any time during the service, I have learned to be more patient during, say, the “Keil Maleh” prayers on Shabbos afternoons than during Torah reading or the repetition of Shemoneh Esrei (which is the central prayer of the daily services). I don’t think that my more laid-back approach to shushing implies a tacit approval of some forms of talking, I think it’s merely a more realistic approach. If one chooses his battles, he may be taken more seriously than if he knee-jerk shushes at every syllable uttered by another.

I’m not saying that my personal approach is for everyone. Hopefully, shul rabbis and gabbaim will set appropriate tones for their congregations. (As an aside, too much down time in shul leads to talking. If the davening keeps moving, there will be less talking.) What I’m suggesting is that those who shush do so with common sense. “Shushing with seichel,” as it were. You can’t control everyone’s actions, but you can control your own. And, in a reversal of Hillel’s famous dictum, treat yourself as you would others. If you do slip up and talk, causing yourself to get shushed, accept it gracefully. Don’t enter into a Cycle of Shush.

If we’re aware of our own actions, we can break the Cycle of Shush, which can be as bad as the talking that inspired it. In this way, perhaps, we can help to improve the decorum of our synagogues and not inadvertently become a part of the problem we originally sought to resolve.

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Following are some excerpts from Rabbi Jack’s unpublished pamphlet, “Shhhhhh…”

Talking in shul is not a new problem. Rabbi Yom Tov Lipman Heller, author of the commentary on the Mishna called Tosafos Yom Tov, dealt with this situation in the 17th century. He attributed pogroms and other catastrophes of 1648 and 1649 to misconduct in the synagogue. In response, he encouraged people to be much more careful in this area and he composed a prayer for those who sincerely tried to be diligent.

Rabbi Yisroel Meir Kagan, the Chofetz Chaim, asked why Rabbi Heller attributed these tragedies to talking in shul, out of all possible sins. In response, he cited the Mishna in Pirkei Avos (“Ethics of the Fathers”) that every mitzvah creates a “defense angel” and every sin creates a “prosecuting angel.” Other, seemingly “larger” sins are quiet, therefore their associated “prosecutors” are silent. Talking in shul is loud, so it creates a noisy prosecutor against us!

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The Talmud cites the opinion of Rabbi Yishmael ben Elazar that one of the sins for which people die is treating the synagogue lightly. For example, they call it a “beis am” (a community center) and treat it like a place to gather socially, rather than for prayer and other holy purposes. (Brachos 32a)

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A person is not permitted to carry on a general conversation (as opposed to words of Torah) in a synagogue even when it’s not time for prayer! The Mishnah Brurah says even conversation that is permitted elsewhere – such as business discussions – are not allowed in shul. Certainly forbidden speech, such as lashon hara (gossip) must be avoided at all times, especially in shul!

The Mishnah Brurah continues to tell us that gossip, slander and controversy – all bad enough on their own – are magnified in a holy place, such as a shul or a study hall. This is because it’s an affront to G-d’s honor. It’s one thing to have a fight with a friend – that’s bad enough. It’s worse to have a screaming match in the palace, in front of the King. (See Orach Chaim 151:1 and Mishnah Brurah there.)
The Mishnah Brurah further cautions us that we may not say Tehillim or even learn Torah during the repetition of the Amidah, even if we still say Amen at the end of the blessings. If we can’t learn Torah, which is a tremendous mitzvah, we certainly must be careful not to engage in idle chatter at this time! (Mishnah Brurah’s on Orach Chaim 124:4.)

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When you’re at a different part of davening than the rest of the minyan, you can answer some responses, but not others. For example, we don’t answer “Baruch Hu u’baruch shmo” during Pesukei d’Zimra. We don’t answer “Amen” in the middle of the paragraphs from Barchu through the Amidah – and we don’t join in saying Shema even between those paragraphs! Even Kedusha isn’t answered between the bracha of go’al Yisroel and the Amidah!

If there are such limitations on when we can answer Kaddish, Barchu, Modim and other important tefillos, doesn’t it follow that there are even greater restrictions on saying things that are not part of the prayer service?

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“A person may not engage in conversation during the repetition of the Amidah. If one speaks at this time, he sins, his sin is too great to bear, and he must be reprimanded.” (Orach Chaim 124:7)

“Woe to people who carry on conversations during prayer, for we have seen many synagogues destroyed because of this sin…” (Mishnah Brurah’s commentary on the above.)

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Once the Torah reading has begun, a person may not speak – not even words of Torah, not even between the aliyos, not even if he already heard the Torah read… (Orach Chaim 146:2)

Even your shul can put a stop to the talking. Read about The Silent Revolution: How One Shul Put an End to Talking During Davening in Jewish Action, where a strong initiative created a dramatic shift in one of the largest Orthodox shuls in the tri-state area.   

Rabbi Jack Abramowitz is Torah Content Editor at the Orthodox Union. He is the author of five books, including The Tzniyus Book. His latest work, The Taryag Companion, is available from OU Press as well as on Amazon.

Last week, we discussed the brain’s role in food addiction. As noted, there is a category of food that seems to be more addictive than others called hyperpalatables.  Is sugar as addictive as heroin or cocaine?  Animal studies say yes.  So how do we withdraw from these foods?  The key is something called EPIGENETICS.  

Researchers at the Washington University School of Medicine in St. Louis first performed a study on almost 40,000 people in the early 1990s.  They found that addictive genes had NO impact on body weight.  People were just as likely to be obese whether they came from a family with addiction or not.  But when a follow-up study of 40,000 other subjects 10 years later was done, the picture was very different.  Subjects were 30%-40% more likely to be obese if they had addiction in the family. And for women, the chance was 50% greater.  So, what changed?

Our genes didn’t change in 10 years.  But there were changes in our environment that switched on individual genes.  This is known as epigenetics.

The basis of epigenetics is environmental cues.  For instance, if you live in a community where there is opportunity for consumption of fresh foods and people exercise, the genes that control your weight operate as they should, and you can enjoy a fit and healthy body.

But let’s look at the opposite example: You start your day with a disagreement with someone, and then you run out the door without breakfast, drive to your destination, arriving hungry.  You sit down at your desk.  At this point, levels of acetylcholine and cortisol, both stress hormones that trigger hunger, reach very high levels.  To undo the “pain” of your disagreement and now, pressing hunger, you go for a quick fix of some food that is generally fatty, sugary or salty. The more this cycle repeats itself, the more it reinforces itself.

You can’t change the genes you are born with, but you can change the genetic expression. According to Dr. Pamela Peeke, M.D., lifestyle choices powerfully influence genetic expression – and most important, they are passed on to children.  We can use these principles to recover from food addiction by using an integrative mind-body approach.  Dr. Peeke recommends the “3 Ms”: Mind, Mouth, and Muscle.

MIND. Stress can have a significant impact on the prefrontal cortex (PFC) of your brain. Reducing stress returns the PFC to normal function.  Reducing radical stress is a key element in this process, and is a top priority.  This will regulate the amount of dopamine released in your brain.

By using mindfulness-based stress reduction techniques, we increase the size of the regions of the brain that help us learn, remember, stay calm and understand other people’s perspectives.  By engaging in these techiques, we can reclaim a hijacked reward system and sustain our recovery from food addiction.

A strong and well-trained PFC has a better chance of helping us make the right choices, steer clear of hyperpalatables and select fresh, whole, life-promoting foods.

MOUTH. Choose the right foods.  In order to do that, our brain needs an abundance of omega-3s.  These fatty acids ensure that cell membranes will be flexible enough to let in other nutrients.

An animal study in 2010 by Davis (et al) found that rats fed a diet low in omega-3s had reduced density of the dopamine receptors in the ventral striatal section of the brain, an area closely associated with impulsivity.  Consuming more omega-3s will give you a stronger PFC.  We recommend getting them from whole foods as much as possible, such as salmon, tuna, walnuts and flax seed.

MUSCLE.  Regular physical activity increases the body’s production of BDNF, and this brings a higher functioning PFC.  For someone trying to withdraw from food addiction, or any other addiction, this is the most important component.  Even 5-minute walks or 30 jumping jacks reduce the intensity of withdrawal symptoms.

Researchers now believe that exercise alters the reward circuits in the brain to the point that treadmill walking has been able to substitute for certain drugs.  It also decreases cravings, compulsiveness and emotional ups and downs.

One study showed that after a year of taking 40-minute walks times times a week, the hippocampus–the part of the brain that converts short-term memory into long-term memory and controls spatial navigation in the brains of older adults–grew by 2%, reversing their brains’ aging process by almost 2 years. Those who were sedentary experienced brain shrinkage by approximately the same percentage.

As Yale University professor Dr. Kelly Brownell states: “Food can act on the brain as an addictive substance. Certain constituents of food, sugar in particular, may hijack the brain and override will, judgment and personal responsibility.”

Food addiction is real, but it’s not an excuse. We cannot blame poor habits on addiction. We need to take responsibility for our health at any cost.  The basic weight loss formula of fewer calories consumed and more calories expended still applies.  The need for exercise goes beyond conquering food addiction–it’s needed for our health in generale. And our exercise needs to be both aerobic and muscle-building.  Reducing and managing stress is vital to all aspects of our health and weight loss.

Overcoming food addictions is hard work.  It will probably require help from the proper professionals.  By eradicating and withdrawing from food addictions, you will dramatically change your life for the better.

Alan Freishtat is an A.C.E. certified personal trainer and a lifestyle fitness coach with over 17 years of professional experience. He is the co-director of the Jerusalem-based weight loss and stress reduction center Lose It!, now offering free testing for FOOD ADDICTIONS. Visit Lose It!‘s website at www.loseit.co.il or contact Alan at alan@loseit.co.il.

Do you find yourself eating when you’re not hungry?  Do you sometimes feel sluggish or fatigued after overeating?  Does giving in to cravings and eating your favorite foods help you reduce negative emotions and increase pleasurable thoughts?  As time goes on, does this not work as well as it used to?

If you answered yes to these questions, you might be food-addicted.

Recent studies and research have shown that different people have addictions to different foods.  The biggest culprits are found in a category of food called hyperpalatables: foods that are sugary, starchy, fatty and salty.  A growing group of scientists now thinks that there is a relationship between food and addiction, that foods can hijack your reward system much like drugs, alcohol, and the Internet.

The difficulty is that in all other addictions, a person can do without the addictive item. But food we can’t live without. It forces us to approach food in a totally different way.

Let’s first take a look at the principles of addiction and then we can come back to how to deal with food specifically.

We become addicted to a substance or activity for the same reason that we initially try it: because we like the way it makes us feel. And although some people may try a drug, take a drink or eat a donut and never become hooked, almost all of us have the capability to become addicted. Users cross a threshold and undergo a transition from enjoyment to addiction.

Research has shined a light on the changes that take place in the brain after this transition, developing the ”brain disease” model of addiction. It’s currently the most widely held view of addiction among the scientific community.

The way we learn to survive is based on a reward system. When we do something that aids in our survival, like eating or exercising, our brain’s limbic system rewards us for this behavior by releasing dopamine, a chemical that makes us feel good. Since we like the way we feel, we learn to repeat the behavior.

Different substances approach the limbic system – the reward center – in our brains in different ways, but all substances of abuse cause the brain to release high levels of dopamine. This release can be two to 10 times the amount our brain releases normally, giving the user a sense of a “rush” or “high.”

Because of this release and its impact on the brain’s reward center, people learn very quickly to use a substance or engage in an activity. They learn this in the same way they learn to eat or exercise, but even faster and with more intensity, since the release of dopamine is so much larger. And since the amount of dopamine released is abnormal, the brain struggles to regain its normal chemical balance after a substance wears off. This produces a hangover, or withdrawal, from a substance, which can manifest in physical pain, depression and even dangerous behavior.

Over time, prolonged use of a substance can lead the brain to stop producing as much dopamine as it naturally does. This creates further withdrawal, leading to a physical dependency - the addict needs to use more of the substance just to feel normal, creating a vicious cycle that can be difficult to break.

Dopamine is actually dispersed throughout the brain.  Ninety-percent of the dopamine neurons in an area of your brain called the VTA become stimulated right when you are about to eat.  The VTA reaches out to the rest of the brain to stimulate dopamine secretion in several regions of the brain.  In an effort to understand whether certain foods exert the same kind of addictive effect on the reward system as drugs, scientists have turned their attention to the reward centers in both normal and obese people.

Dr. Nora Volkow, M.D. and her team use PET scans and radioactive chemicals that bind dopamine receptors.  Their research showed that obese people had far fewer dopamine receptors in their reward center, and therefore had to eat more to experience the same reward, or “high,” as average-weighted individuals.

Dr. Volkow also delved into the craving or wanting question.  When people were exposed to their favorite foods but not allowed to eat them, an abundance of dopamine surged through the striatum section of the brain.  They said they “hungered” for their food fixes, yet they weren’t hungry at all.  This is frighteningly similar to what occurs in the brain of drug abusers after they watch a video of people using cocaine, or, for that matter, receiving any cue that reminds them of a previous addictive pleasure.

As we mentioned at the beginning of this article, there is a category of food which seems to be more addictive than others called hyperpalatables.  Is sugar as addictive as heroin or cocaine?  Animal studies say yes.  And how do we withdraw from these foods?  The key is something called Epigenetics.

Stay tuned for next week’s article to learn about epigenetics and its role in helping us break our food addictions.

Alan Freishtat is an A.C.E. certified personal trainer and a lifestyle fitness coach with over 17 years of professional experience. He is the co-director of the Jerusalem-based weight loss and stress reduction center Lose It!, now offering free testing for FOOD ADDICTIONS. Visit Lose It!‘s website at www.loseit.co.il or contact Alan at alan@loseit.co.il.

“Derech Eretz Kadma L’Torah.”

We often hear parents lamenting that “kids are so disrespectful these days!” It might be true, but it doesn’t help to complain. And telling the kids that they are disrespectful actually reinforces the negative behavior.

We just read the Aseret Hadibros, the 10 commandments, and we see that Kibud Av Ve’em (honoring one’s father and mother) is one of the most important mitzvot (commandments). Children need to show respect for their parents–not for the parents’ honor, but because it helps kids feel secure and creates a sense of stability for them. They need us to be larger than life for their own emotional health.

We live in a time where we do not see so much respectful behavior around us. So our jobs as parents, our responsibility to teach kids to be respectful to us is that much harder. It’s not only about the challenge of getting them to comply; it’s also living in a culture that makes us reluctant to seek that respect. But we need to persevere, remembering that we’re doing it for our children’s benefit. We need to spend time teaching our kids respect. We need to teach them to show us derech eretz and Kibud Av Ve’em.

How can we do that? One simple way is to use the phrases, Kibud Av Ve’em, derech eretz and just the word “respect” liberally and often. And the best time to use these words is when are children are actually exhibiting that behavior.

That is, instead of focusing on the times our children are disrespectful, we need to be on the lookout for any little act of respect on their part. Then we can point it out to them and praise them. When we only focus on their positive behavior we reinforce it. Unfortunately, the opposite is also true.

Here are some examples of positive reinforcement:

“You got into bed right when I told you to; that showed derech eretz” (even if she was exhausted!).

“I asked you to move to the chair so that I could sit on the couch and you did. That was Kibud Av Ve’em.“

“You didn’t complain when I asked you to get off the computer–that was respectful behavior” (even if he got up slowly and is visibly annoyed).

Focusing on and emphasizing our children’s positive and respectful behavior changes our perspective and generates a tremendous feeling of peace in our home. It truly teaches kids what respect is all about. Aside from the over message, it sends a strong silent message: You are really modeling to your children (without lecturing) how to focus on people’s positive behavior, which is respect and derech eretz at its best. This is a powerful skill, one that they can use successfully in all of life’s situations.

Adina Soclof, MS. CCC-SLP, works as a Parent Educator for Bellefaire Jewish Children’s Bureau facilitating How to Talk so Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids will Talk workshops as well as workshops based on Siblings Without Rivalry. Adina also runs parentingsimply.com. 

Please note: Eileen Goltz is a freelance kosher food writer. The Orthodox Union makes no endorsements or representations regarding kashrut certification of various products/vendors referred to in her articles, blog or web site.

I’m all for tradition, but when it comes to the sedarim (ceremonial dinner the first two Pesach nights), sometimes I just gotta tweak the meal. Year after year after year after year it’s the same “must serve it or the peasants will revolt” Pesach menu: Turkey one night, rib roast the next and all the same side dishes and desserts that will be there until Moshiach comes. So every once in awhile I try to slip in a new dish to put that extra pinch of spice into the meal.

This year I decided to go citrusy and the coin toss went to the lime. Limes are available year around and are typically used as an accent flavor. Most of the time we’re going to get the Persian lime (looks like a lemon, only green and smaller). Their acid content is higher than a lemon so their taste is more citrusy and intense. Tahitian limes and Key limes are smaller, more acidic, more expensive and less readily available. So if you find them and you want to use them, know you’re going to have to pay lots more. With what you’ve probably already laid out for the rest of your meals, well, you do the math.

When buying your limes, pick ones with smooth skins. Avoid ones with brown spots or that looked dried out. A lime should be heavy for its size and give slightly when pressed. Whole fresh limes will last about 10 days when refrigerated and about five days when cut. You will need more than you think as they don’t have much juice in them and getting the zest off is an exercise in frustration. Keep trying though–the bottled stuff just doesn’t do any recipe justice.

The recipes below are super simple, can be made ahead of time and can be served anytime of the year.

LIME & HONEY CHIPOLTE GLAZED SWEET POTATOES (pareve)

5 pounds sweet potatoes, peeled, cut in half crosswise, then cut into 1/2-inch wedges

1 tablespoon plus 1/2 cup (1 stick) unsalted margarine

1 teaspoon chipotle powder

1/2 cup honey

1/3 cup fresh lime juice

1 teaspoon kosher or sea salt

Preheat the oven to 400. Place the sweet potato wedges in a large bowl. Grease a rimmed baking sheet with the 1 tablespoon margarine and set aside.

In a small saucepan over medium heat, melt the 1/2 cup margarine. Whisk in the chipotle powder and then add the honey, lime juice, and salt. Bring the mixture to a simmer, stirring constantly. Continue simmering for 3 minutes. Pour the sauce over the sweet potatoes and toss until coated.

Place the potato slices in a single layer on the prepared baking sheet. Drizzling any remaining glaze over the potatoes. Cover tightly with aluminum foil.

Roast, covered, for 40 minutes. Remove the foil and baste the potatoes. Continue to bake, basting every 10 minutes, for about 20 minutes longer until tender, golden brown. Serve immediately, or keep warm in a low oven for up to 30 minutes. Baste just before serving.

Serves 8 to 10.

Do ahead: The sweet potatoes can be roasted up to 1 day in advance. Refrigerate, cover, and bring to room temperature 2 hours before reheating. Alternatively, they can be roasted up to 4 hours in advance and set aside at room temperature. Reheat before serving, basting with the glaze.

Modified from The New Thanksgiving Table by Diane Morgan.

SPINACH AND LIME SALAD (pareve or dairy)

5 ounces baby spinach leaves (about 5 cups)

1 can artichoke hearts, sliced and drained

1/2 cup dried cranberries or fresh pomegranate seeds

1/4 cup roasted pine nuts or walnuts

1 avocado, diced

1/3 cup crumbled feta cheese (optional)

4 tablespoons olive oil

2 tablespoons balsamic vinegar

1 tablespoon fresh lime juice

1/2 teaspoon kosher salt

ground pepper, to taste

Toss spinach with artichoke, cranberries, pine nuts, avocado and feta cheese in a large salad bowl.

In a separate small bowl, whisk together olive oil, balsamic vinegar, lime juice, salt and pepper. Toss spinach salad with dressing and serve.

ZESTY LIME MANGO AND PAPAYA SALAD (pareve)

3 limes, zested and juiced (keep the zest and juice separate)

1/3 cup sugar

1/4 teaspoon salt

1/2 to 3/4 cup pecan pieces

2 Granny Smith apples, cored and sliced

2 to 3 mangos, peeled and sliced

2 to 3 papayas, peeled and sliced

4 kiwi, peeled and sliced

Place the apple slices in the lime juice.

In the bowl of a food processor, combine the lime zest, sugar and salt. Process until combined.

Remove the sugar mixture to a bowl and add the pecan pieces. Toss to coat.

Arrange apple, kiwi, mango, and papaya slices on a serving platter or plates. Sprinkle with some of the sugared lime pecan mixture and serve.

Serves 6 to 8.

RASPBERRY LIME PARFAIT (pareve)

1 cup sugar

1 cup pareve whipping cream

5 large eggs

2/3 cup fresh lime juice

1 1/2 tablespoons grated fresh lime zest

2 cups cookie crumbs (any vanilla Passover cookie will do)

3 cups raspberries

1/4 cup sugar

In a saucepan, whisk together the sugar, pareve whipping cream, eggs, lime juice and zest. Cook over a medium heat, whisking frequently to prevent sticking for about 20 minutes. It should thicken slightly (It will set up more as it cools). Remove it from the heat and let cool for about 10 minutes.

In a small saucepan, over a low heat, cook 1 cup raspberries and sugar, mashing with a fork and stirring occasionally for 4 to 5 minutes or until the sugar dissolves.

Set out 8 parfait glasses. Spoon 2 tablespoons of the cookie crumbs into the bottom of each parfait glass. Spoon several tablespoons of the lime custard into each of the glasses. Spoon a teaspoon or so of the raspberry sauce on top and then repeat the process. Top with the remaining raspberries.

My files, source unknown.

MELONS WITH ORANGE LIME DRESSING (pareve)

2 limes, juice and rind

1/4 cup frozen orange juice concentrate, thawed

1/2 teaspoon vanilla

1 cantaloupe, sliced into wedges

1 honeydew melon, sliced into wedges

2 to 3 cans mandarin orange slices, drained

In a bowl, combine lime zest, juice, orange juice concentrate, and vanilla and whisk to combine. Set it aside. Place the melon slices on a platter and sprinkle the mandarin orange slices over the top. Drizzle the sauce over the melon slices and serve.

Stay connected to the largest kosher food certification agency for newly-certified kosher products, kosher alerts and special deals. Like OU Kosher on Facebook and follow OU Kosher on Twitter.

Eileen Goltz is a freelance kosher food writer. She graduated from Indiana University and the Cordon Bleu Cooking School in Paris. She lectures on various food-related topics across the U.S. and Canada and writes weekly columns for the Chicago Jewish News, kosher.com and OU Life. She is the author of the Perfectly Pareve Cookbook (Feldheim) and is a contributing writer for several publications. You can visit Eileen’s blog by clicking Cuisine by Eileen.

And in our world, everyone belongs.

Showcase your company at our Job Fair for Individual’s With Special Needs, March 7th in NYC. Free admission gets you: PR for your business, pre-screening resumes before event, and interaction with some of the New York Metro’s most qualified individuals with Special Needs. Register your company today.

A while back, the OU’s daily Taryag email featured mitzvah (commandment) #431, the obligation to love converts. As I mention in that article, an obligation exists to love converts above and beyond the obligation to love every Jew, which is stated in Leviticus 19:18. Our additional obligations vis-à-vis converts can be seen elsewhere in the Torah, as well. For example, mitzvos #63 and #64 specifically prohibit us from verbally abusing or financially cheating a convert, over and above the fact that we may not abuse or cheat anyone. The Talmud in Baba Metzia 59b says that all told there are 36 – or, according to another opinion, 46 – discrete mitzvos obligating us in our best behavior towards converts.

There’s a reason that G-d takes extra steps to protect converts. It’s similar to the reason that there are special mitzvos warning us not to abuse, oppress or otherwise aggrieve widows and orphans. Just like the widow has no husband and the orphan has no father, the convert lacks the support system of a Jewish family that those born Jewish typically take for granted. So, just as G-d acts in loco parentis for an orphan and in loco maritus for a widow, He acts in loco familia for a convert. In other words, G-d personally takes up the battle of a widow, orphan or convert; this is something we should take pretty seriously but, sadly, many converts aren’t feeling the love.

One woman wrote in response to that daily mitzvah email expressing a certain exasperation including, among other things, feeling marginalized. She wrote:

You write nicely, but what are you doing to give converts tangible help? As a convert, I feel barely welcome or a part of the Jewish people. I urgently need help to live as a Jew, but most people couldn’t care less. Converts have no lobby, money or influence. Baruch Hashem, (thank G-d), some people are kind and caring, but mostly I feel uncared for and unwelcome.

I wish I could say that her experience is unique but, unfortunately, I know, and know of, too many converts who have encountered too much stupid. A person leaves the faith in which they were raised, often creating friction with family and friends, to join the Jewish people who, honestly, are not exactly the most popular people in the world. We need all the friends we can get! So when someone takes that “whither thou goest” step, don’t they deserve to be welcomed with open arms?

The Talmud in Yevamos (43b) and elsewhere makes a startling statement. There, it says that converts are as harmful to the Jewish people as a leprous blemish. (The reason for the analogy to leprosy is based on Talmudic wordplay and is beyond our scope. Let’s just address the sentiment.) The commentators are full of explanations for this statement. The Baalei Tosfos refer us to the many mitzvos requiring that we take our behavior above and beyond for the sake of a convert. It’s simply impossible, they tell us, that we’re never going to upset a convert. Inevitably, we’re going to let our guard down and lose our temper or say something stupid. Still, shouldn’t that be the exception rather the rule that it seems to have become in many places?

The Torah has nothing but the highest esteem for converts. Yisro, father-in-law of Moshe, was a convert. (By extension, so was Moshe’s wife, Tzipporah.) Rahab, who helped save the Jews in the time of Joshua, was a convert; she became the ancestor of eight prophets, including Jeremiah. The prophet Obadiah was a convert and he has his own book in Tanach. Ruth, perhaps the most famous convert of all, became the ancestor of King David. You want to look down on a convert or the children of converts? Without Ruth – a convert – Moshiach can’t even exist! (Who’s going to turn down that match? “Sorry, Ben David, but I see you’re descended from converts. Not in my family!”)

The Torah gives us a reason why we should love converts: it’s because we ourselves were strangers in Egypt. The connection is easy to see. We’ve been the outsider. We’ve been oppressed. Does anybody know better than the Jews what it means to be a stranger in a strange land, without a support system? Having been there ourselves, we’re the first who should have empathy. It should be an automatic reflex that we spring into action in order to keep others from feeling that sting.

If we allow ourselves to become part of the problem rather than part of the solution, then we fail. We fail not only the convert, we fail ourselves. (We just violated 36 or 46 Biblical injunctions, remember?) We fail the entire Jewish people by disenfranchising those we should be embracing. We fail G-d Himself, Who then takes matters into His own hands. That’s a lot of responsibility. Ultimately, working a little harder to be inclusive and to treat others the way we would want to be treated is an investment we should be all too eager to make.

Rabbi Jack Abramowitz is Torah Content Editor at the Orthodox Union. He is the author of five books, including The Tzniyus Book. His latest work, The Taryag Companion, is available from OU Press as well as on Amazon.

Steve interviews Helen Nash about her healthy kosher cuisine that makes no compromise on taste.

Read a review of Helen Nash’s New Kosher Cuisine: Healthy, Simple & Stylish at Jewish Action.

Savitsky Talks is a weekly 20 minute audio program with interviews and discussions that probe and explore contemporary Jewish life. Steve Savitsky’s unusually direct and objective approach make this program a refreshing take on the Jewish community’s often challenging role in the world.

Strong-willed kids are the type of kids who balk when they are told, “Get dressed!” These kids also cannot take “no” for an answer, and when their demands to go to the park or watch a video are not met, they can tantrum for a good long while. They also talk back and can get quite angry. Parents who have strong-willed children are often at a loss of what to do.

Here are some fundamental changes in your approach that can make a big difference:

1) Balance your authority with their independence:

Our goal as parents is to teach our children enough life skills so that they can manage one day on their own and be productive members of society. Strong-willed children already have a large dose of that independence, and it should be recognized as a strength.  Remember that many of our Gedolim (revered rabbis) were strong-willed and, in a sense, mischievous. It is a sign of good character, creativity and persistence.

Many times parents think that we need to subdue our children and always make them listen to what we say. This is not the case. We should cultivate a child’s independence within reasonable limits. It does not necessarily have to be at the expense of maintaining our authority as parents in our homes. But sometimes it does mean loosening up a bit.

2) Let them make decisions:

Strong-willed children like to be in charge and want a say in how they run their day. Helping kids to problem-solve and schedule their day will give them a feeling of freedom, something they desperately crave.

It is helpful to say, “Dinner is at 6 p.m. What do you think would be a good schedule for you before then? What will work for  you if want to play outside, watch a video and also play with your legos?”

This also slowly teaches them how to take charge of their time and responsibilities.

3) Be positive:

Try to view all of their behavior in a positive light. It is easy to see the bad. To really be effective with a tough kid you need to always look for the good in every interaction.

For example, if he has given you a difficult time getting into the car to go to school, but he did get into the car, you want to focus on what he did in the end.

Instead of: 
“You gave me such a hard time getting into the car this morning, it took you forever and you kept on crying and misbehaving,”

say: 
“You got into the car, you did not want to go to school, you were so sad and upset about going to school, but you did it anyway. That is called being flexible and following through.”

4) Teach them to speak respectfully to you:

You do want to spend some time teaching your child to speak your respectfully to you. So when you are both calm, you can discuss the hurtful things he says:
 “When you’re mad, can you tell me ‘I am mad,’ instead of, ‘I don’t like you’?
”

“When you are mad, is there something you can do instead of saying you are going to break your toy or throw it? That is not safe. I would love to hear your ideas.”

Managing strong-willed children can be challenging, but it can be done. Hopefully you will be able to reap the rewards when they are truly on their own.

Adina Soclof, MS. CCC-SLP, works as a Parent Educator for Bellefaire Jewish Children’s Bureau facilitating How to Talk so Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids will Talk workshops as well as workshops based on Siblings Without Rivalry. Adina also runs parentingsimply.com. 

Last week’s column focused on the benefits of exercise vis-à-vis high blood pressure, high cholesterol and cancer. This third and final segment of Doctors Ditching Drugs will discuss Metabolic Syndrome, lower back pain and osteoporosis.

Metabolic Syndrome

Exercising is very helpful in weight reduction and in preventing weight gain. It is also beneficial in maintaining a healthy weight after a successful weight loss program.  Therefore, the strongest predictor of successful, permanent weight loss is a well-rounded exercise program.

Being overweight is known to bring on many health-related complications including Metabolic Syndrome, otherwise know and Syndrome X.  Syndrome X has been called the deadly quartet as well as insulin resistance syndrome and is responsible for both diabetes and cardiovascular disease.

Metabolic Syndrome is comprised of a perilous collection of risk factors, or cluster of metabolic disorders which, individually or as a group, promote the development of diabetes and atherosclerosis.  The root causes of this syndrome are overweight/obesity, physical inactivity and genetic factors.

Lower Back Pain

Lower back pain (LBP) levies a heavy toll upon men and women alike. Roughly 70% of all people will experience one bout of lower back pain in their lifetime, with many experiencing repeated bouts or even chronic back pain. Although we are all tempted to take anti-inflammatory or muscle relaxants, exercise can both prevent, help or completely cure LBP.

LBP typically is located in the lumbar region of the spine, with L4 and L5 being the most commonplace.  Undoubtedly, you have probably heard of slipped, herniated, shattered, protruding and crushed disks – all of which are manifestations of LBP. What brings on these conditions, and how can they be corrected, and possibly even prevented, in the first place?

The main causes of LBP are weak abdominal muscles, tight hamstring muscles, poor posture and stress.  Many times, LBP is the result of a biomechanical dysfunction resulting from flat feet, and often can be corrected with a pair of good, functional orthotics.

Also, a simple thing like a worn-out pair of shoes can bring on back discomfort.  Prevention of LBP includes a well-balanced exercise program which encompasses flexibility training (stretching) and abdominal strengthening.  And aerobic exercise is known, amongst its many benefits, to be a great stress-reducer. Being overweight is also a risk factor, as is smoking.

Many years ago, the common approach to treating LBP was to prescribe bedrest.  Strong evidence now indicates that this treatment is ineffective.  Studies have shown that bedrest of more than 2-4 days can cause muscles to begin to weaken, and can actually delay recovery.  The current thinking is that a person with LBP should be physically active.  Walking, even if it is somewhat painful, is considered essential.

Osteoporosis

It’s silent, it’s progressive and it can disable.  Two-hundred million people worldwide have it.  Women develop it four times as often as men do.  And the older you are, the greater the risk of developing it.  We’re talking about osteoporosis.

Bone is a complex living tissue.  It provides structural support for muscles, protects vital organs and stores calcium, which is essential for bone density and strength.  Bone is constantly “remodeling,“ meaning that old bone is broken down and new bone is deposited.

At about age 45-50, more old bone is broken down than is replaced.  This process is accelerated in menopausal women as they lose the protection that estrogen had given them previously. The earlier a woman experiences menopause, the greater the risk of osteoporosis. The best strategy for preventing osteoporosis is to build strong bones, especially before the age of 35. This will reduce bone loss later in life.

Both strength training (weights) and weight-bearing aerobic exercise (brisk walking, jogging, skipping rope or running) are essential to prevent osteoporosis and help reduce further bone loss in those who already have the disease.  The strength training is essential for the bones in the upper body while the weight-bearing exercises are necessary for the bones in the lower extremities.

In Conclusion

We haven’t yet found the magic pill cure-all.  But the closest thing we have to it is a good, well-rounded exercise program.  Whether it is to prevent, cure or improve any of the many diseases and illnesses to which we are all potentially subject, or to reduce our stress and feel better about life, exercise is a MUST for everyone, no matter your age, gender or weight.  Have your doctor include exercise in his/her prescription for almost anything that may bother you.  Take the important mitzvah (commandment) of “v’nishmartem me’od l’nafshoseichem (you shall surely guard your soul)” seriously by exercising regularly.

Alan Freishtat is an A.C.E. certified personal trainer and a lifestyle fitness coach with over 17 years of professional experience. He is the co-director of the Jerusalem-based weight loss and stress reduction center Lose It!  He can be reached at (U.S. Line) 516-568-5027, 02-651-8502 or by email at alan@loseit.co.il.

Please note: Eileen Goltz is a freelance kosher food writer. The Orthodox Union makes no endorsements or representations regarding kashrut certification of various products/vendors referred to in her articles, blog or web site.

I had the sad experience of having to make a shiva call (a visit to someone who has recently lost a close relative in the week following their passing) to a close friend whose father had just passed away. I wanted to bring something to the home as a way of helping feed the out-of-town family and guests.

While putting together a fruit tray and a cheese platter, I had a flashback to a time when this friend’s family and mine were together celebrating a bar mitzvah. His father was snarfing down the cookies I’d made. I remember him saying that in his opinion, they were better than a store bought ones–because they were made with that extra ingredient, love.

I knew that when I brought the cookies and relayed the story to my friend, I’d give a gift that would be much more than a way to say: I’m so sorry for your loss. I’d be giving my friend a memory of a time when dad was hale and hearty and full of love for his family.

In my opinion, while bringing food is an important way of showing you care, I’ve also found that when you don’t know what to say, just sharing your favorite memory of their loved ones is the kind of gesture that means the most.

When I’m making a sweet tray to take to a shiva call I try to have three or four different types of cookies and a cake so that there will hopefully be something to tempt those whose appetites are understandably, nonexistent.

I prefer to make the cookies and cake myself, but if timing is an issue there is absolutely nothing wrong with picking up a cake or cookies from a bakery. It’s fundamentally the desire to be there to support your friends and family that counts.

Things can be confusing after returning from a funeral and sometimes no one specific is in charge of running the kitchen. You don’t have to hand the tray to the bereaved; they have enough to deal with. Just make sure it makes it to the kitchen or dining room. I suggest using a disposable tray so that the family doesn’t have to worry about washing or returning anything and attaching a card to the tray as a way of letting them know who gave the tray.

The following recipes are all appropriate to take to a shiva call and can be placed on a platter or left in a disposal pan (and frozen) until needed. The common ingredient is lemon. It’s a soothing flavor and one that most people don’t have an allergy to. You can always make the cookies with margarine to keep them pareve so that there won’t be any problem serving them with any meal. Just make sure you make a note of that on the card you attach to the tray.

CLASSIC LEMON BARS (dairy or pareve)

For the crust:

1/2 pound unsalted butter or margarine, at room temperature

1/2 cup granulated sugar

2 cups flour

1/8 teaspoon kosher salt

6 extra-large eggs at room temperature

2 1/2 cups sugar

2 tablespoons grated lemon zest (4 to 6 lemons)

1 cup freshly squeezed lemon juice (only use fresh)

1 cup flour

Confectioners’ sugar, for dusting

Preheat the oven to 350 and grease a 9X13 pan. In the bowl of an electric mixer, cream together the butter and sugar. Add the flour and salt to the butter and mix until just mixed (do not over mix).

Place the dough onto a floured board and gather the dough into a ball.  With floured hands break the dough into 4 pieces and then press it into the greased baking pan, making sure to have a 1/2-inch edge on each side. Bake for 15 to 20 minutes, until very lightly browned. Remove and cool on a rack.

While the crust is baking, in a large bowl whisk together the eggs, sugar, lemon zest, lemon juice, and flour. Pour the mixture over the crust and bake for 30 to 35 minutes, until the filling is set.

Remove and cool to room temperature. Cut into rectangles and dust with confectioners’ sugar. Serves 10 to 12.

Modified from an Ina Garten recipe.

SOUR CREAM LEMON CAKE (dairy)

2 cups flour, sifted

2 teaspoons baking powder

1 teaspoon salt

1 cup butter, room temperature

2 cups granulated sugar

3 eggs

grated zest of 1 large lemon

1 cup sour cream

.

Lemon Glaze:

1/4 cup melted butter

2 tablespoons fresh lemon juice

2 cups powdered sugar

Preheat oven to 325. Grease and flour a 10-inch bundt pan.

In a bowl combine the flour, baking powder and salt and set it aside.

In the bowl of an electric mixer combine the butter, lemon zest and sugar; beat mixture for 5 minutes until it’s light and creamy.

Add the eggs, one at a time, beating well after each addition and scraping down side of bowl frequently. Add the flour mixture to the butter mixture, alternating it with the sour cream (flour, sour cream, flour, sour cream). Make sure to scrape the sides of bowl to combine all the butter mixture.

Pour batter into the greased pan. Bake for 55 to 65 minutes, or until a tooth pick inserted near the center of cake comes out clean. Cool in pan 15 minutes before trying to remove the cake from the pan.

While the cake is cooling, in a bowl combine the melted butter, lemon juice and  powdered sugar. Whisk until smooth. Turn cake out onto a serving platter then poke the cake with a tooth pick all over. Drizzle the glaze evenly over the top of the cake.

Submitted by Angie Baronta of Indianapolis, IN.

PECAN LEMON COOKIES (pareve)

2 cups ground pecans

2 eggs, beaten

1 teaspoon lemon extract

2 cups sugar

2 cups sifted flour

1/4 teaspoon salt

Lemon Icing:

2 cups powdered sugar

1 teaspoon grated lemon rind

1/4 cup lemon juice

In a bowl combine the ground pecans, eggs, lemon extract, sugar, flour, and salt. Shape the dough into 2 rolls, about 1 1/2 inches in diameter. Wrap rolls in waxed paper and chill for several hours.

Preheat oven to 325. Cut the rolls into slices about 1/8-inch thick and place them on greased cookie sheets.  Bake for about 8 minutes.

For the icing, place the powdered sugar in a bowl. Add the grated lemon rind and lemon juice and mix to combine.

Brush lemon cookies with lemon icing while still hot. Makes about 4 to 5 dozen lemon cookies.

My files, source unknown.

SNOW-CAPPED LEMON COOKIES (dairy)

1 cup flour

1 1/2 teaspoons baking powder

1/2 cup butter

1 (3 oz.) pkg. cream cheese

1/2 cup sugar

1 teaspoon lemon juice

1 teaspoon lemon zest

1 cup powdered sugar

In a bowl of an electric mixer combine the butter and cream cheese together until light; add sugar, lemon juice and zest, and beat until combined. Add flour and baking powder and until mixed. Chill the dough for 4 hours or overnight.

Preheat oven to 350.

Shape the dough into 1-inch balls and then place them on an ungreased cookie sheet. Bake for 13 to 15 minutes just until lightly golden. Remove immediately and cool slightly.

Place the powdered sugar in a paper lunch bag. Place the still-warm cookies, a few at a time, into the bag and shake gently to coat them with the powdered sugar. Place them on a cooling rack until room temperature. You may need to shake a little more powdered sugar over them to coat.

Makes 32 to 36 cookies, depending on the size of the cookies. This recipe can be doubled or tripled.

My files, source unknown.

LEMON PISTACHIO SHORTBREAD COOKIES (dairy or pareve)

1 1/2 cups flour

1/2 cup cornstarch

1/4 teaspoon kosher salt

14 tablespoons (1 3/4 sticks) unsalted butter or  margarine, at room temperature

2 1/2 cups powdered sugar

1/4 cup shelled pistachios, finely chopped

1 teaspoon grated lemon zest (from 1 lemon)

3 tablespoons freshly squeezed lemon juice (from 1 lemon)

Line 2 baking sheets with parchment paper. In a medium bowl, whisk together the flour, cornstarch, and salt.

In the bowl of an electric mixer (with the paddle attachment) combine the butter and 1 cup of the powdered sugar and beat until smooth. With the mixer on low gradually mix in the flour mixture until just combined and it holds together when squeezed (it will be slightly crumbly). Stir in the pistachios by hand.

Gather the dough into a ball. On a lightly floured surface, roll the dough out until it’s about 1/4 inch thick. Cut into rounds or whatever shapes you prefer with a cookie cutter and place the cookies 2 inches apart onto the prepared baking sheets. Combine the scraps, reroll and cut until all the dough is used.

Preheat the oven to 350. Refrigerate the cut cookies for about 30 minutes.

Bake 12 to 15 minutes or until the edges are light golden brown. Cool on a wire rack for about 15 minutes.

In a bowl combine the remaining 1 1/2 cups confectioners’ sugar, lemon zest, and lemon juice and whisk until smooth. Place the cookies on the cooling rack over wax paper and then drizzle the icing over the top (you can also dip the top of the cookies into the glaze if you prefer that way of frosting the cookie). Let the frosting set for 15 to 20 minutes.

Makes 1 1/2 to 2 dozen depending on the size of the cookie.

One of my favorite easy-to-make recipes, modified from The Good Neighbor Cookbook  by Sara Quessenberry/Suzanne Schlosberg.

Stay connected to the largest kosher food certification agency for newly-certified kosher products, kosher alerts and special deals. Like OU Kosher on Facebook and follow OU Kosher on Twitter.

Eileen Goltz is a freelance kosher food writer. She graduated from Indiana University and the Cordon Bleu Cooking School in Paris. She lectures on various food-related topics across the U.S. and Canada and writes weekly columns for the Chicago Jewish News, kosher.com and OU Life. She is the author of the Perfectly Pareve Cookbook (Feldheim) and is a contributing writer for several publications. You can visit Eileen’s blog by clicking Cuisine by Eileen.

Disney World’s slogan is “The Happiest Place on Earth,” and these past few weeks, many families enjoying their Yeshiva week vacation in one of Disney’s many parks or programs would likely agree.

Perhaps the greatest part about the Magic of Disney is not the souvenirs, the rides, the characters or even the memories. It’s simply how nice everyone is to one another and how happy everyone seems. It is hard to think of another place where such a large quantity of people all seem so courteous, kind, pleasant, and polite. Generally speaking, you don’t find pushing or shoving, short tempers, a culture of criticism, or impolite and impatient people at Disney, despite having to wait on lines, pay large fees, endure the hot sun, and spend hours on your feet.

Wouldn’t it be amazing if our shuls (synagogues) and Jewish communities could be more like Disney? Wouldn’t it simply be incredible if Orthodox synagogues and communities were known as the happiest places on Earth, and that guests to our buildings couldn’t wait to come back and to visit as often as they could?

How does Disney do it, and what could we learn towards creating a culture of happiness?

A few years ago, I had the privilege of participating in a behind-the-scenes tour of Disney arranged by Yeshiva University. The design and layouts of the parks, the placement of vendors, and the timing of the shows are all meticulously and brilliantly strategized.

But what struck me most was the employee culture and how the attitude of the Disney’s tens of thousands of workers impacts each and every one of their guests. In every employee-only area, there are signs listing the Disney credo. It includes: “I project a positive image and energy. I am courteous and respectful to all guests including children. I go above and beyond.”

Disney understands a fundamental psychological principle supported by extensive research – happiness is contagious. Just as if one person yawns, others will follow suit, so too, if a person smiles, others around him will start smiling as well. A happy disposition, a positive spirit, and a pleasant countenance are simply contagious.

Whose responsibility is it to spread the smiles? Whose job is it to maintain the happiness effect? There are roughly 60,000 employees at Disney World in Orlando. All members of the staff, from custodial and maintenance, to the ride operators and people who wear the Mickey costumes, are referred to as “cast members.”

How many of the 60,000 cast members do you think are responsible for picking up the garbage? The answer is all 60,000. How many are responsible for helping someone find directions or return a lost child to their parents? 60,000. How many are required to smile and spread the happiness? That’s right, all 60,000. At Disney, the cast members know that they each have different tasks, but they are taught that they all have the same purpose: spreading happiness.

Disney has a regular contest among the employees to identify and reward “great service fanatics.” These individuals are nominated by their peers and are celebrated for going above and beyond in being kind, helpful, and spreading happiness.

In last week’s parsha (Biblical portion), it doesn’t take long for the Jewish people to climb out the other side of the miraculously split sea before they begin to complain. “What are we going to drink? What are we going to eat? Why did you take us into the desert to die?” Despite the unprecedented and unparalleled miracles they personally had experienced, the people nevertheless struggled to find happiness and began a pattern of complaining.

The Torah describes that lo yuchlu lishtos mayim mi’marah ki marim heim, they weren’t able to drink the water from marah because it was marim, it was bitter. The Kotzker Rebbe asks, What or who was bitter? We traditionally translate that the water was bitter and that is what precluded the people from drinking it. However, the Kotzker says no – marim heim is describing the people. They were bitter, disgruntled, critical, judgmental, dismissive, and dissatisfied. The problem wasn’t in the water; it was in the people who were predisposed to seeing the bitterness instead of looking for the sweetness.

How do we go from a culture of complaining to creating the happiest place on Earth? The answer, I humbly submit, is to tap into Disney’s magic and to promote a mandate in which every single Jew is a member of “the cast.” If we want to be a place that attracts and inspires non-observant and disaffected Jews, we ALL need to be leaders in making happiness contagious in our environs.

In our shul and community, like in every other one, we all have different tasks. Some are Jewish communal professionals; others are lay leaders. Some are working and some are retired. Some are professionals, while others own businesses, and others are stay at home moms and dads. But, while we all have different tasks, we need to see ourselves as sharing the same purpose if we are going to change a culture.

Like Disney, we must reward and celebrate those that provide service with a smile and go above and beyond. It isn’t enough to highlight and commend those that excel in learning or in piety. We must reward the “great service fanatics” among our adults and children who excel at being nice, kind, and thoughtful, and who smile contagiously.

Let’s taste the sweetness of life, make an effort to always have a smile, and be active members of the Jewish people’s cast, thereby converting our shuls and communities to the happiest places on Earth.

Rabbi Efrem Goldberg is the Senior Rabbi of the Boca Raton Synagogue (BRS) in Boca Raton, Florida. He serves as Co-Chair of the Orthodox Rabbinical Board’s Va’ad Ha’Kashrus, as Director of the Rabbinical Council of America’s South Florida Regional Beis Din for Conversion, and as Posek of the Boca Raton Mikvah.

Murderous violence has been with us since the generation after Adam and Eve first trudged, ashamed and burdened, east of Eden, banished from the Garden because of their disobedience.  Through the ages, few things have defined us so much as our ability to visit horrific cruelty upon our fellows.  The ability to “mass murder” is anything but a new phenomenon.  Jews have a much too intimate knowledge of the horror and sadness that comes with the experience of the vicious slaughter of multiple numbers of innocents in a short period of time.

If technology has been consistent over the span of history, its greatest constancy has been is that it has always lurched forward in creating ever more efficient methods of killing.

Murderous evil is not new.  The recent mass murders are not wounds unique to our age.  What the base nature of man and technology has conspired to create that is new and unseen until very recently is the efficiency and effectiveness with which the latent evil of man has transformed too many vulnerable, damaged individuals into killing machines.

What is revolutionary to this moment in history is the veritable army of weak, damaged, vulnerable young people who have metamorphosed into agents of slaughter unshackled by the hand of the state.  That is, for the first time in history, mass murder is not directed by the state but by individuals who roam our streets and avenues; individuals not gathering beneath the banner of fascism or communism to serve as drones in the armies of a satanic leader but rather by the release of some restraint that exists within themselves.

We see the evidence of the horror on our television sets.  It screams to us from the front pages of our newspapers.  It is a cancer, a sickness that needs to be healed.  But as we know only too well, addressing the problem of mass murder in our society is a complex issue and process.  Too often, in this complexity, viable and appropriate avenues of healing are ignored or discredited, almost always in the service of profit or power.

There is much we do not know about the eruption of mass murders in our society, but there are some things we do know, which we must examine closely if we are to be successful at all in keeping our children safe and stemming the tide of violence.

Among the things we do know is that the slaughter of innocents, as we witnessed in Newtown, Connecticut, demands a specific mechanism of slaughter, a firearm that allows for many people to be killed and maimed in a very short period of time, and that it also demands a catalyst, something that transforms a damaged and vulnerable individual into a killing machine.

As for the “mechanism of slaughter,” apologists and lobbyists for guns and those who vociferously defend gun “rights” will reflexively refer to the Second Amendment or some trivial sentiment (“Guns don’t kill people; people kill people”) to defer critique.  They will dismiss the “same old liberal complaints.”  They will also correctly point out that the vast, vast majority of gun owners do not commit horrific crimes or, indeed, any crime at all.

What these apologists miss is the simple truth that no other civilized country in the world has so many guns, or so much freedom for its citizenry to own and use guns without a direct association to a formal, military involvement.  So too, no other civilized country in the world experiences such horrific gun violence.

That said, while we feel strongly that the proliferation of guns, and guns of remarkable lethal power, needs to be stemmed, we also acknowledge that ultimately guns are just the tool for accomplishing these evil and horrible acts.  And while it is manifestly true that denying access to the “tool” would forego the slaughter, the greater and more pernicious ill at work is a culture that glorifies murder and violence, a culture that finds its most damaging expression in violent video games.

On that count, we will hear too from the producers and apologists of video games that millions upon millions of players of violent video games do not engage in acts of violence.  We will hear from defenders of the First Amendment that denying producers of violent video games the right to produce their hateful product will compromise our essential freedoms.

Both reasonable and important arguments.

And while they are being made, children continue to be slaughtered.

Ultimately, both claims by the video game producers hinge on the claim that there is no causal relationship between violent video games and actual violence.   For if there is such causation, the other arguments become moot.  The First Amendment cannot be claimed as protection if the activity leads to murder.

In engaging in the question of the causality and influence of violent video games on acts of violence, and addressing the protests of the video game industry, it would serve us well to recall the many years that the tobacco industry protested against the effect of their product on health, arguing that there was no “causal” relationship between smoking and lung cancer, or heart disease or any number of other health issues.  Deflection, defense and the anecdotal evidence of a handful of individuals who smoked three packs a day and lived healthy lives well into their nineties should not have been allowed to pass for a sound argument.  In the face of overwhelming circumstantial evidence, the tobacco industry resisted, insisting on – how ironic in the context of our current discussion – a “smoking gun.”

But might there not be such a smoking gun?

There is ample anecdotal evidence to suggest a direct connection.  Consider Mrs. Sherratt, an elementary school teacher in England, who notes that she has witnessed her class of four- and five-year-olds in the playground, “throwing themselves out of the window of the play car in slow motion and acting out blood spurting from their bodies” to mimic scenes from violent games.

As a professional working with young children, she is well aware that children are often very physical in their play.  “We all expect to see rough and tumble but I have seen little ones acting out quite graphic scenes in the playground and there is a lot more hitting, hurting, thumping in the classroom for no particular reason.”

While apologists will dismiss her observations, they have yet to counter the thoughtful argument presented by my son Nathan Safran.  Rather than address the issue “head on,” my son suggests a compelling example of how video games directly impact attitudes and behavior.  He notes that the length and breadth of American military involvement in Iraq and Afghanistan has unwittingly provided clear evidence of the power of video games to affect players.

This extended military mission has resulted in an overwhelming incidence of Post-Traumatic Stress Syndrome (PTSD) in the military, forcing a new urgency on military psychologists seeking to find a way to address this debilitating condition.

One of the most promising treatments the military is working with is virtual reality treatments: a combination of video and audio programs that are designed to be immersive and so most effectively counteract the violent experiences the soldiers experienced.   This treatment seems to be very successful because it seems to rewire the brain.

In other words, when used as a treatment program for PTSD, the very same immersive experience that gamers enjoy is effective because it alters emotions and behaviors by rewiring the brain.  We applaud the creativity and determination of the military psychologists.  We also wonder how this experience changes behavior when it is used to treat PTSD but has no direct impact when the question is, Does it promote violent behavior?

Video games are unique in that they are immersive.  Players “live” in them.  They do not passively observe or listen to them, like music, television or movies.   Players interact with the game.  The player decides what happens.  In video games, the player makes a conscious decision to “kill” a cop or innocent bystander on the street. The player decides to kill with his bare hands, with a baseball bat, or with a gun.  In a game like Nintendo Wii’s Manhunt 2, the player can literally simulate the movements of cutting his victims throat with a piece of glass or suffocating them with a plastic bag.

Think how that makes you feel when you are simply reading it.  Now imagine how it impacts the player himself as he experiences it.  It has to be a disturbing image, particularly for parents.

I would ask parents who do not believe that there is a link between violent video games and violent behavior and so intend to let their children continue to play to consider this: even in the absence of that “smoking gun” connection between violent video games and violent behavior, there is still the issue of “rewiring of the brain.”  Are you really comfortable with your child being affected in such a profound way by a video game manufacturer, whose fundamental motivation is to manipulate your child’s brain to want to continue playing–so the manufacturer realizes the greatest profit possible?

In other words, are you really comfortable submitting your child to what amounts to brainwashing by people to whom your child is essentially a disposable source of income?

In fairness, video game producers maintain that just because a violent person plays video games, the video games have not made the person violent.   After all, millions upon millions of people play violent video games without engaging in violence.  Right?  Perhaps.  We do know that in 1999 only 5% of students aged 12 – 18 reported being bullied in school while 32% complained of being bullied in 2007.  That these numbers correspond with a rise in video game playing cannot be discounted.

Mr. Safran suggests that the professed lack of a causal link between these video games and violent behavior has everything to do with science’s inability to document conclusively that the games have a detrimental effect on the neurology of children and not what actually happens.

To scientifically conclude that video games have a direct causal relationship to violent behavior demands that researchers “feather out” some of the variables that impact behavior, i.e., environment, upbringing, genetics, diet, education, etc.

No doubt some are more susceptible to the influence of video games than others (most likely, the same players who become most immersed in the gaming experience).  Certainly, the perpetrators of these mass murders have been individuals with significant social and psychological deficits.  However, with nearly 97% of 12-17 year olds playing video games, the number of young people drawn into these games is astronomical.

Perhaps most insidious thing about these games is something that Joshua Gardner points out in a piece for ABC News.  He quotes Laura Davies, M.D., a child and adolescent psychiatrist in San Francisco who is reluctant to support tighter controls on media of any kind.  However, she believes too many children are exposed to too much violence through video games and that there can be consequences.

“A huge part of discipline and development is understanding consequences, letting kids know that their actions have consequences,” Dr. Davies told ABCnews.com. “Video games like Grand Theft Auto turn the consequences into positives.  You kill a prostitute and get points, you’re rewarded.”

Video games are not only immersive but they upend any civilized moral system by rewarding murder and violence.

Even without the a clear, causal link between violent video games and violent behavior, there is one observation that we can make with certainty.  The proliferation of violent video games and violent media desensitizes players to real-life violence.  These games teach impressionable young people that violence is an acceptable way to solve conflicts and achieve goals.

From a Jewish perspective, the desensitizing is perhaps most fundamental (and suggests the nexus of causality).  As Rabbi Emanual Feldman writes in his article, Sandy Hook: A Jewish Antidote on Aish.com, there are no “quick fixes” to the problem of violence but Judaism offers some insight:

The Talmud (Kiddushin 30b) records an incisive tradition in which God says: “I have created the inclination to do evil, but I have also created an antidote, which is the Torah.” Thus, man is not born a warm and fuzzy creature. He is born grasping and selfish, fists tightly closed, concerned exclusively with his immediate needs. Says God in Genesis 8:21: “The inclination of man’s heart is evil from his very inception.” Left to his own devices, not taught the ways of civilized behavior, so will he remain throughout life: a rapacious, self-centered infant masquerading as an adult whose fists will not open until he departs this earth.

We are profoundly physical beings.  We are, by nature, heavily influence by the physicality of life.  Our senses inform us and influence us  directly and profoundly – which is why the immersive quality of these violent video games is so detrimental.  We experience the violence as if it were real.  We are rewarded for our violent behavior in the games.  When, in reality, because of our brute, physical nature, it is only Torah that offers the antidote to our brutishness – not a reinforcement of it!

As Rabbi Feldman goes on, the Torah’s teachings “…enable us to construct and maintain self-discipline and self-control, and ultimately to metamorphose into a mensch. For one of the underlying purposes of Torah is to tame the savage beast within us and to transform us into responsible human beings with a conscience that enables us to differentiate right from wrong.

Man is a base creature with the same drives as the common beast.  He was brought into the world with an inclination to do evil.  However, he was also brought into the world with an inclination to do good.  The goal and purpose of mitzvot (commandments) is to lift man from the pure physicality of the animal world and allow him to exist in a world of the spiritual, a world in which G-d’s goodness is evident.  We know that the performance of mitzvot uplifts.  Mitzvot elevate man to a higher level.

Just as behaviors change who we are for good, so too can they change who we are for bad.  In this way, video games, by immersing the player in the action and rewarding evil rather than good, change the player.  If the gamer does not become more violent by virtue of his experience, he becomes desensitized to the violence around him.

Either way, he falls further and further from the ideal of the Torah life and closer and closer to a world in which the wanton murder of innocents is no more than a tree falling in the forest.

Rabbi Dr. Eliyahu Safran serves as OU Kosher’s vice president of communications and marketing.

Forget the commercials–are you ready for some Torah?! Tune into the YU Torah Halftime Show.

Today, Super Bowl Sunday, February 3rd, we’re airing YU’s ”halftime” show: a series of three brief, exciting and inspiring presentations on “Torah and Sports” topics.

Dynamic speakers include: Mr. Charlie Harary, renowned speaker in the Jewish world, who shows us how some of the most important characteristics of a good quarterback can teach us all how to lead better lives. Rabbi Kenneth Brander shares how being an unafraid outsider might give us the key to succeed, and Mrs. C. B. Neugroschl discusses what makes us continually great.

The show is available for viewing on OU Life all day Super Bowl Sunday, February 3rd. Tune in for something awesome.

The recent article, How My Therapist Destroyed My Marriage–which discusses the dangers of individual therapy in the context of treating a troubled marriage–has generated a wave of passionate responses. Comments, emails and phone calls that say everything from, “This picture is dangerously one-sided,” to “This happened to me, and I see it time and again,” to, “I agree/disagree, with some caveats,” make it clear that there’s more than one angle to this story. Given that this article deals with the most constructive way to approach healing a marriage, this is an important story to tell properly.

Thus, responders have been invited to share their opinions formally to create a more balanced perspective on the issue. Points raised in the original article are clarified, debunked, confirmed, dismissed. General perspectives on marital challenges and resolutions are expressed.

After reading the various opinions and experiences presented below, you will hopefully emerge with a well-rounded concept of the risks, benefits and/or necessity of therapy when it comes to healing a marriage.

Zalman Lachman, LCSW-R

“Adults are accountable for their choices and behaviors.”

Evidence-based psychotherapies like REBT, Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy, posit that adults are responsible for regulating their internal emotional states and accountable for their choices and behaviors. As such, the title, How My Therapist Destroyed My Marriage, assumes both the irrational and the impossible. What destroys a marriage is the decision by one or both spouses that they no longer choose to work on accepting those parts of the relationship and those middos (character traits) in the other person that they dislike. The decision to declare the other person “intolerable” or “unacceptable” is what makes a relationship impossible.

My colleagues may hate this, but psychotherapists are no more or less competent and professional than your heating and cooling repairperson, or at most your family physician. They make mistakes. Clients have to be “good consumers” in the mental health field just as in every other area. They need to use common sense. If, Heaven forfend, someone is struck by a potentially fatal illness, wouldn’t they spend an awful lot of time finding the best doctor and getting second opinions? Wouldn’t they ask questions if they had concerns about the treatment being given? Why should the potential death of a marriage be any different?

Finally, it’s the times. Psychological research has shown that the more choices people think they have and the more they believe that they can change their choice if they wish, the more dissatisfied they will be with the choice they have made, and that includes life-partners. The more that divorce is “thinkable” and the more we believe we have a potentially broader choice of a next spouse, the less likely we are to be committed to a marriage.

In 13 years of providing marital therapy I have seen some couples I have worked with separate and divorce. I have yet to recommend separation or divorce to anyone. On the contrary, usually within the first two sessions it becomes completely clear how really beshert, how well-matched,they are for each other. People of a similar developmental level and complementary issues tend to marry each other. If you think he’s crazy there is no second date. If he thinks you’re weird, there’s no shidduch (match). To put it lightly: We tend to marry people who are about as crazy as we are. It is after the marriage that the work begins. My father (OBM) used to have a sign on the wall next to his desk: “Life is a grindstone. The measure of a man is whether it grinds him down or polishes him up.”

A good marriage refines the character, and that takes grinding. It is often emotionally difficult, even painful, and it is our life task and purpose: to serve Hashem through our marriages. Appreciate your troubles and take responsibility for your feelings. If you find that you can’t do that often enough, then find a therapist that can help you with your problem. Stop blaming your spouse, your children, your parents, your boss, your therapist, the world or Hashem. Blame as a human tendency is as old as Creation: “The woman You gave me caused me to sin.” Take the responsibility to grow and stretch and make your relationships work better. All they have to be is “good enough,” and yes, you can make that happen.

The other night I attended a very interesting and highly informative class given by and old friend and teacher Dr. Yocheved Debow.

Dr. Debow has tackled an essential issue in the Orthodox community: Talking To Your Child About Intimacy: Guiding Orthodox Parents.

The most cogent point of the talk was this: If we are silent and do not talk to our children about this topic, we are doing them a great disservice. In our society where children walk down the street and are bombarded by sexuality and sexual imagery, we need to be vocal about our traditional Jewish values. We need to provide them with a counter message.

But we hesitate and are uncomfortable. We are not sure how to start a conversation on this subject. We know Judaism has a lot to say on the sexuality and intimacy–we all took classes in taharat hamishpacha (family purity)–but how do we convey this information to our children and teens? Even those of us who have degrees in the health fields may still find ourselves at a loss on how we can meld our secular knowledge with our Jewish values.

Dr. Debow’s talk was frank and candid and armed me with simple and practical ways to have this tough conversation with my kids. My husband and I have had the birds and the bees conversation with each of our children but we were always uncertain as to whether we were doing it right. Now we have some excellent guidelines and suggestions, making this difficult conversation just a bit easier.

To help us parents have the talk with our kids Dr. Debow suggests the following:

1. Instead of starting from scratch, find out what your already child knows and thinks. Children usually have their own ideas about most subjects; this is no different. You can ask, “What do you know about how babies are made? Where do you think babies come from?”
2. Try to correct any misinformation that they have and give them true facts. (Babies grow inside Mommy’s body, in a place called her uterus, not her tummy.)
3. Use this time to share Jewish values with your child. (Large families can be fun and full of love. Babies are wonderful, each child is like getting a gift from Hashem.)
4. Check to make sure that you have answered their questions (“Was that helpful? Do you have any other questions?”)

Judaism has a positive view of sexuality and intimacy. It’s important for Jewish parents to impart this to our children and teens in a very real and practical way. To do that, we need to talk.

Adina Soclof, MS. CCC-SLP, works as a Parent Educator for Bellefaire Jewish Children’s Bureau facilitating How to Talk so Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids will Talk workshops as well as workshops based on Siblings Without Rivalry. Adina also runs parentingsimply.com. 

Last week’s column examined the role that exercise can play in reducing and possibly eliminating the need for statins and blood pressure medication. We also discussed the positive effects of exercise for diabetics. This week, we will discuss the benefits of exercise vis-à-vis high blood pressure, high cholesterol and cancer.

High Blood Pressure

High blood pressure, or hypertension, is known as the “silent killer” since the symptoms sometimes do not appear until it is too late.  Hypertension – a very treatable condition – is prevalent in more than 20% of the population. Another significant number of people have what is referred to as “high normal” or “borderline” blood pressure – that is, their readings fall slightly above the normal range and as such, they are now at risk for hypertension.

Exercise can prevent or cure high blood pressure. An inactive person has a 20-50% higher risk of developing high blood pressure than an active person.  This statistic is based on studies performed at both Harvard University and the Cooper Institute for Aerobics Research.  Even without weight loss, aerobic exercise can lower blood pressure by up to 10 points.  And one of the great things about exercising to reduce blood pressure is that you usually start seeing results after only a few short weeks of starting a program.  An added bonus: as exercisers also tend to lose weight and concentrate on diet, results can go far beyond the 10 points mentioned above.

High Cholesterol

Cholesterol is a waxy, fat-like substance found in all animal products.  The human body makes cholesterol in the liver and absorbs some of it through the diet.  It is essential for the body and is used to produce hormones, form bile acids for digestion of fats and build cell membranes.  However, too much cholesterol in the blood can spell trouble in the form of increased risk of coronary heart disease.

Approximately 30% of Americans have high cholesterol. In a study at Stanford University, male and female runners were found to have higher HDL levels than sedentary controls in the study.  Total cholesterol levels, LDL, and triglycerides were all found to be lower than the sedentary group.  And the greater distance and time the runners ran, the better their results.  As with blood pressure, the results of exercising usually included some weight loss as well, contributing even more to overall improvement.  In both of these cases, cholesterol, blood pressure AND the risk of cardiovascular disease were all lowered substantially with exercise.

Steps you can take which will usually lower your overall cholesterol, lower your LDL (bad cholesterol) and raise your HDL (good cholesterol) include:

- exercising
- losing weight
- eliminating smoking
- moderating alcohol consumption
- eating a healthful diet which includes fruits and vegetables

Even those with hereditary factors can see improvement by adopting the practices listed above.

Cancer

Research has shown that the lifetime risk for developing cancer is 45% in men and 39% in women.  However, according to the American Cancer Society, up to 2/3 of cancers are preventable.  There is also good news on the cancer treatment front.  In the 1930’s, fewer than one in five people were alive after five years of treatment for cancer, but today, five in 10 people getting treatment live five years or more afterwards, and these numbers are expected to continue to improve.

What exactly is cancer? All cancers can be characterized by the uncontrolled growth and spread of abnormal cells. If the spread is not controlled, it can, G-d forbid, be fatal, as vital passageways are blocked and the body’s oxygen and nutrient supplies are diverted to support the rapidly-spreading cancer.  Normally, our body cells reproduce and divide in an orderly manner.  In that way, old cells are replaced and injured cells are repaired.  However, some cells undergo abnormal changes because of oxidants, radiation, viruses, hormones, immune conditions and inherited mutations.  It is these abnormal cells that grow into masses called tumors.  These tumors can be benign or cancerous.

Interesting to note is that it took the American Heart Association a long time to identify inactivity as a risk factor for cancer. However, in 1996, the American Cancer Society added regular physical activity to their list of preventive measures.  Evidence continues to mount which strongly supports the connection between the development of cancer and inactivity.  According to Dr. I-Minn Lee of the Harvard School of Public Health, “Our findings now suggest that increased physical activity may reduce the risk of certain types of cancer, especially colon cancer.”

Although we are speaking here of prevention and not curing cancer, cancer experts do encourage moderate exercise during treatment.

Part III looks at osteoporosis, metabolic syndrome and lower pack pain.

Alan Freishtat is an A.C.E. certified personal trainer and a lifestyle fitness coach with over 17 years of professional experience. He is the co-director of the Jerusalem-based weight loss and stress reduction center Lose It!  He can be reached at (U.S. Line) 516-568-5027, 02-651-8502 or by email at alan@loseit.co.il.

Please note: Eileen Goltz is a freelance kosher food writer. The Orthodox Union makes no endorsements or representations regarding kashrut certification of various products/vendors referred to in her articles, blog or web site.

Pesach is that time of year when food prep is at the forefront of everyone’s to do list. Okay, weeks before Pesach is that time of year too. And the concerns about cholesterol follow right behind.

With the chopped liver and the mandatory brisket and roasts and chicken soup, it makes my arteries start to harden just writing about it. Sometimes you have to take a step back and say: No more meat–please pass the fish.

Gefilte fish might be your first thought but after the Seder leftovers are gone I’m going to suggest that you utilize some fresh (or frozen) filets of white fish or salmon and cook up these fast, easy and HEALTHY fish recipes that will help balance out all the heavy meat meals that make up for all the other days of yuntif (the holiday).

Of special note, NO matzos are harmed in the making of these recipes; they are completely, utterly and absolutely matzo free.

WHITE FISH WITH TOMATOES AND BLACK OLIVES (fish/pareve)

4 garlic cloves, thinly sliced

1 bunch fresh basil, sliced thin, divided into 2/3’s and 1/3

2 tablespoons olive oil

1 red pepper, chopped

1 1/2 pound fresh tomatoes, chopped (or one 14-ounce can whole tomatoes)

Salt and black pepper

1 to 2 tablespoon red wine or 1 to 2 teaspoons vinegar

4 5-ounce whitefish fillets, skin and any bones removed

3/4 cup black olives, pitted and sliced

1/2 to 1 cup toasted almonds

Heat the olive oil in a skillet. When hot, add the garlic, 2/3’s of the basil and red pepper. Cook, stirring often, until garlic is soft, not browned, about 2 minutes. Add the tomatoes and season with salt and pepper. Reduce heat and cook, uncovered, about 30 minutes, stirring occasionally. Add the red wine or vinegar, cook 2 or 3 more minutes and season with salt and pepper.

Preheat the oven to 425. Season both sides of the fish with salt and pepper. When the tomato sauce is done cooking remove it from the heat. Place the fillets on the tomato sauce. Top the two fillets with the olives and remaining 1/3 of the sliced basil leaves. Transfer skillet to the oven and cook until fish is done, 10 to 15 minutes. Serve the fillets topped with the tomato sauce and toasted almonds.

Serves 4.

My files, source unknown.

SALMON WITH LIME SAUCE (fish, dairy or pareve)

Sauce:

1 tablespoon minced garlic

1/2 cup fresh lime juice

1 1/2 teaspoon salt

1 teaspoon black pepper

3/4 to 1 cup unsalted butter or margarine, melted

Olive oil

8 (6-oz) pieces center-cut salmon fillet (about 1 inch thick) with skin

2 teaspoons to 1 tablespoon lime zest

Combine all the ingredients for the sauce in a food processor and process until smooth. Set it aside.

Heat a grill pan with a little oil. Season salmon all over with salt and pepper, then grill, flesh sides down, 4 minutes. Turn fillets over and grill until just cooked through, 4 to 6 minutes more. Place the cooked fish on a platter, sprinkle with the lime zest and top each with 1 heaping tablespoon lime sauce (you will have extra sauce).

Serves 8 to 10.

Modified from epicurious.com.

COD WITH GREEN OLIVES (fish, pareve)

1 tablespoon oil

6 cod fillets

1 onion, chopped

1 tablespoon minced garlic

4 stalks chopped celery

3 shredded carrots

2 cups seasoned tomato sauce (like a pasta sauce)

1/4 cup pimiento stuffed green olives, halved

1 tablespoon lime or lemon juice

2 tablespoons chopped fresh parsley or cilantro

Mashed potatoes (optional)

Heat oil in a large skillet over medium heat and sauté the onion and celery, stirring occasionally, 4 to 5 minutes until tender. Add the garlic and carrots and continue cooking for 1 minute. Add the tomato sauce and green olives.

Place the cod filets in the skillet (making sure they don’t touch) and then spoon the sauce over the filets. Bring the mixture to a boil. Reduce heat to a simmer, cover and cook for 12 to 15 minutes until the fish flakes with a fork. Stir in lime or lemon juice.

Arrange fish on serving platter. Stir the parsley or cilantro into sauce, then spoon the sauce over the cod. This is amazing served with mashed potatoes.

Serves 6.

Modified/submitted by Carolyn Putterman of Chicago, IL.

PARMESAN PECAN SALMON (fish, dairy)

1/4 cup mayonnaise

2 tablespoons grated Parmesan

1/8 teaspoon cayenne pepper

4 salmon fillets (1 lb.), skins removed

2 teaspoon lemon juice

1/2 cup ground pecans, or almonds if you prefer

Preheat the oven to 400. In a bowl, combine the mayonnaise, cheese and pepper until well blended.  Place the salmon in a foil-lined pan and drizzle the lemon juice over the top. Spread the mayonnaise mixture over the top then sprinkle the ground nuts on top of the mayonnaise mixture. Bake 12 to 15 minutes (depending on the thickness of the fish) until fish flakes easily with fork.

Serves 4. This recipe can be doubled or tripled.

My files, source unknown.

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Eileen Goltz is a freelance kosher food writer. She graduated from Indiana University and the Cordon Bleu Cooking School in Paris. She lectures on various food-related topics across the U.S. and Canada and writes weekly columns for the Chicago Jewish News, kosher.com and OU Life. She is the author of the Perfectly Pareve Cookbook (Feldheim) and is a contributing writer for several publications. You can visit Eileen’s blog by clicking Cuisine by Eileen.

Steve Savitsky talks with Moshe Coan about Zivug Zone, a new online dating service that “[utilizes] scientific research that supports ‘the compatibility principle,’” creating a unique matching system that only shows highly compatible profiles–saving you so much more than just time.

Savitsky Talks is a weekly 20 minute audio program with interviews and discussions that probe and explore contemporary Jewish life. Steve Savitsky’s unusually direct and objective approach make this program a refreshing take on the Jewish community’s often challenging role in the world.

Rabbi Tzvi Hersh Weinreb, PhD is the Executive Vice President, Emeritus of the Orthodox Union.

Know the Reality

People decide to come on Aliyah for a variety of reasons, including religious beliefs, familial or cultural ties, and a desire to be part of the gathering of the exiles.

Whatever their motivating factor, the number one question that people ask themselves prior to making the decision is, “Can I afford to come on Aliyah?”  Other variations of this question include, “Can I make it in Israel financially without compromising too much on my standard of living?” “We’re living in Israel but I don’t understand how Israelis make ends meet.” “How do I retire in Israel without compromising my financial stability?”  Or, “We want to make Aliyah but have absolutely no idea where to start and how it will affect our family”.

Depending on their stage in life, some people’s pre-occupation with these issues relates to their children and grandchildren.  Having raised their families in familiar surroundings, their offspring relocate to Israel, and the parents/grandparents often feel a tremendous lack of ability to guide and help in very unfamiliar situations.

I’ve been hearing these questions for years in my financial planning seminars in Israel and North America, and they were the motivation for my recently published book, A Financial Guide to Aliyah and Life in Israel.  There are many people around the world – and even in Israel – who are thinking about making Aliyah, but don’t have the tools to evaluate whether such a big move is feasible, or how to do it.  All these questions (and many more) are magnified by the lack of a comprehensive financial guide to help people through the Aliyah process – from planning, to arrival and successful integration within Israeli society.

Aliyah is a dream that must be grounded in reality.  Many Olim (people who make Aliyah) fail to plan correctly and return to their country of origin or spend years frustrated by their economic challenges in the Jewish homeland.  Financial competence is an absolute necessity – not a luxury – when making Aliyah and living in Israel.  Potential Olim should evaluate the effects that Aliyah will have – not only today – but also 20, 30 or 50 years down the road.  Today’s Jewish family needs to learn effective money-management skills  for an increasingly complex international financial world – something all the more complicated for those considering settling in a country that is fundamentally different than their home country.

While many Olim can use English in Israel to get by with the day-to-day tasks of living – especially in communities where there are large numbers of English speakers – this should not lead you to conclude that the financial system in Israel is similar to that of other Western countries.  It is not.

Forget everything you know about managing your finances in your country of origin.  Things run differently in Israel, for better or for worse.  Israel’s unique financial system has developed from its unique international standing of being surrounded by enemies and unable to build financial relationships easily with its neighbors.   By necessity, it has created its own unique standards, a convergence of Western and Middle Eastern cultures – with a moat-like independence. It’s no wonder that so many people “can’t figure out the system.”

While I’m not advocating competing with your neighbor, the “Jones” or “Cohens,” I find that because finances can be such a taboo subject, people often have no perspective as to where they are in the financial health continuum.  This lack of information blinds them from making the right decisions.  They then look back years later, wondering why nobody shared with them the keys to successful financial planning when making Aliyah.   I have found that providing this perspective can be one of the most crucial elements in successfully planning and implementing your Aliyah.

Shalom Bayit (Peace in the Home)

Whatever financial issues one is struggling with will be exacerbated after the move to Israel. Without the flood of additional challenges brought on by Aliyah, financial stress is already the number one cause of friction between spouses in Western society.  In my own experience, I have seen the terrible shalom bayit issues that arise from a lack of financial acumen and even more importantly, a lack of financial direction.  Financial stress not only breaks apart the family unit, the core fabric of society, but it causes us to avoid making decisions, or to “freeze up.”  Financial inactivity does more than just prevent us from getting ahead; it too often also causes us to fall backwards into a bigger and bigger hole, thus perpetuating a cycle of financial instability.  When people don’t know what to do, they often procrastinate, which has severe negative ramifications.  Doing nothing (or putting things on hold) might seem like the easy way out – but in the end can ruin one’s life.

Plan Ahead

Money is important, but it is only a means towards fulfilling our potential in this world. The less time that we need to devote to it, the more time we have available for family, personal growth and fulfilling our dreams and our potential.   It is therefore vital to take control of one’s finances before making Aliyah, whenever possible.  Creating a solid foundation for financial health allows you to spend the least amount of time necessary worrying about money, free to pursue life’s priorities.

Financial planning of any sort is not an exact science but rather a process of calculating odds, and there are many variables and unknowns to consider prior to Aliyah:

• Do you take a chance that you’ll find work within the first six months, or do you delay your flight until you’ve saved up more money or you’ve landed the Israeli job of your dreams?
• Do you start looking for work immediately or work on language acquisition first?
• Should you convert your savings to New Israeli Shekels (NIS) or keep them in dollars?

There is no “one answer fits all”.  It’s a process of calculating the odds (even informally) and then going forward, acting on those calculations, without being paralyzed by the lack of certainty.

Times are changing.  While Israel’s economy is among the most stable in the world, slower international growth in recent years has undoubtedly had a negative effect on Israel and its citizens and taxpayers.  Unemployment is projected to rise as exports decrease and overall economic activity slows.  When the employment market weakens, finding a job will be increasingly difficult.

So what can you do to adjust your Aliyah considerations to the changing economic times?  Keep in mind how the issues affect you personally given the changing times, and how you can adjust your plans if necessary.  Be proactive and don’t wait for someone else to fix your problems.  Waiting for macro-economic changes (that affect the economy as a whole) can help, but micro (at the household level) changes have even a greater chance of being successful.  Take things into your own hands and with G-d’s help you can make it happen. You won’t regret it!

I truly believe that living in Israel is beyond the “natural,” beyond the norm that you find in all other countries in the world.  Ask any Oleh Chadash (new) and I have no doubt that they will have an endless number of stories to share confirming this point.  Nonetheless, people need to decide how much to rely on the “above nature” (me’al hateva) type of reliance on G-d, versus a natural, normal decision-making process focused on everyday effort or hishtadlut.  You can pick and choose what decisions you need to concretize and those that you leave in flux.  But at least you’ll have the facts in front of you to make educated decisions that fit into your lifestyle and your religious beliefs.

OU Israel Center joins with Arutz Sheva to present webcast on Israel Election night–keeping English-speaking audiences informed. The webcast will appear both on www.ou.org and www.israelnationalnews.com on Tuesday, January 22.

A Financial Guide to Aliyah and Life in Israel is written for both the layperson and professional. It spans a range of financial issues, from pre-Aliyah (creating a financial plan, real estate decisions, asset management, etc.) to post-Aliyah (employment benefits, banking, living on a budget, tax planning and more).

Baruch Labinsky lectures regularly for Aliyah organizations in Israel and around the world on various financial topics. Licensed by the Israel Securities Authority as a portfolio manager, Baruch specializes in working with Olim who are successfully transitioning their finances to Israel. His book, A Financial Guide to Aliyah and Life in Israel, is available in bookstores, at Amazon and through www.labinsky.com. Contact Baruch at Baruch@labinsky.com.

The dictionary defines a prescription as “a written order, especially by a physician, for the preparation and administration of a medicine or other treatment.”

Most of us associate a prescription with a slip of paper. You take that slip of paper to your local pharmacy and receive medications from the plethora of drugs that exist today for just about anything that ails you – from the common cold to heart disease.  Drugs can eliminate a severe headache, bring relief from seasonal allergies, generally alleviate symptoms and in some instances, even cure illnesses.

However, the word prescription is not limited to drugs; it now applies to exercise as well.  Many physicians have begun to prescribe exercise routines in conjunction with or even instead of medications for their patients.

While exercise is a key ingredient in disease prevention, it has also been proven in recent years that exercise also can play a major role in the treatmentof many ailments that have previously been treated with medication alone.  How does exercise fit into both overall wellness, and curing or controlling various diseases?

Dr. Jeremiah Stamler is an epidemiologist and world-renowned expert on cardiovascular disease. He is a major proponent of using diet and exercise in place of medication.  In an interview last year with Nutrition Action Magazine, Dr. Stamler asserted that the heart disease epidemic in the United States could virtually be ended.

Dr. Stamler maintains that following the “DASH” diet (Dietary Approaches to Stop Hypertension), which includes low sodium intake in conjunction with an adequate exercise program, can significantly lower one’s blood pressure and cholesterol.  Dr. Stamler also maintains that diet, exercise and reduced smoking are enough to cut risk.  He states that statin (cholesterol- lowering) drugs and blood pressure medications will not end the epidemic for the tens of millions of people who suffer from these ailments.  These drugs are costly, have side effects and only ameliorate – not cure – the underlying problem.

Although these drugs are certainly a necessity in many cases, and their use outweighs any risk of not taking them, drugs alone are not the answer. If your doctor prescribes medication for you, follow his advice, but at the same time, ask him about establishing a comprehensive plan which includes diet and exercise.

Hashem gives us the gift of a healthy body and expects us to do our utmost to maintain our health.   The pasuk (verse) in chapter four of Parshat V’eschanan, “V’nishmartem me’od l’nafshoteichem” clearly states that a Jew is obligated to take care of his own body. The pasuk includes the word “me’od” or “very much.”  The Ohr Tzadikim, in his commentary, says that this word is included because if one doesn’t take care of himself physically and becomes ill, his “nefesh” – his soul and spirit – will become weak, thus hampering his ability to serve Hashem.

We can all increase our activity in order to be healthy both physically and spiritually. Exercise paired with good nutrition is the best way to maintain both your physical health and your spiritual well-being.

Diabetes

In recent years, the incidence of what is know as Type 2, or non-insulin-dependent diabetes mellitus (NIDDM), has been steadily increasing. Specifically, Americans have been developing diabetes at an alarming rate over the past 10 years, according to a new report by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. More than 16 million people in the United States currently have diabetes – about a third more than had the disease in 1990. Only 5 to 10% of these cases are insulin- dependent.

While increases were reported among all adults, the most dramatic increase – a 70% jump – was seen in the 30-39 age group. Among those 40- 49, the rate of diabetes increased by 40%, and it was up 31% for those 50-59.  Researches note that the increases among the younger age groups are especially troubling.

The instances of exercise acting to help or cure disease are countless.  Let’s look at Type 2 diabetes, which is frequently manifesting itself in all ages of the population and is quickly spinning out of control both in the United States and Israel.  Diabetics are at risk of developing cardiovascular disease 15 years earlier than the general population, according to a study released this past summer by the Institute of Clinical Evaluation Sciences in Toronto.  Diabetics also are at risk for kidney disease, nerve disorder and blindness, and are at a particularly high risk for limb-threatening infections.

Yet we see from a study published through Medscape in June 2006 that a diabetic who performs four moderate aerobic sessions and does 2-3 resistance training sessions per week significantly cuts his risk of cardiovascular disease.  A more intense program may reduce the need for medication or even eliminate it altogether. Exercise may actually prevent this illness from developing in the first place–active individuals have a 50% lower risk of ever developing diabetes.  If you currently have a borderline glucose reading, you can avoid drugs and possibly insulin by beginning an exercise program now.  It is important to consult with your physician prior to beginning any an exercise program.

In next week’s column, we will look at the ways in which exercise can help lower your blood pressure and cholesterol–and even help prevent against cancer.

Alan Freishtat is an A.C.E. certified personal trainer and a lifestyle fitness coach with over 17 years of professional experience. He is the co-director of the Jerusalem-based weight loss and stress reduction center Lose It!  He can be reached at (U.S. Line) 516-568-5027, 02-651-8502 or by email at alan@loseit.co.il.

Please note: Eileen Goltz is a freelance kosher food writer. The Orthodox Union makes no endorsements or representations regarding kashrut certification of various products/vendors referred to in her articles, blog or web site.

When I need comfort food I think back to my childhood, and while chicken soup played a big part in curing colds and the flu, at the age of eight arrived something else. I needed my mommy to help me get over a tough time with friends and she made…rice pudding. Since then, rice pudding has been synonymous with fixing any bad day.

It is believed that the concept of rice pudding originated in the Middle East and contained other grains, as well saffron, anise and ginger and dried fruits. The addition of cinnamon, raisin and poppy seeds to the mix is a more European and British contribution. If you hail from Latin America you’ll find the addition of coconut, coconut milk, ginger, vanilla and cloves.

The key ingredient to rice pudding is obviously rice. You can use any kind of rice but short grain rice seems to work the best. The texture of rice is determined by a mixture of amylose and amylopectin.  Long-grain rice has more amylose, which is stiff when cool. Short-grain rice has more amylopectin, which stays soft when cool.  Since rice pudding should be soft and creamy, short grain is the best.

You can make rice pudding on the cooktop or bake it; both ways produce a fabulous dessert. Just remember, with rice pudding there’s no such thing as leftovers–it’s just breakfast made early.

Note: For those with lactose intolerance or want to make a pareve pudding, use rice milk.

VERY CREAMY RICE PUDDING (dairy)

1/2 gallon milk

1 cup sugar

1 cup uncooked rice

3 eggs, beaten

1/4 cup whipping cream

1/4 teaspoon salt

1 tablespoon vanilla

Cinnamon to taste

In a large saucepan combine the 1/2 gallon milk, sugar and rice. Simmer, covered, 1 hour, stirring frequently. Remove pan from heat and let rest 10 minutes.

In a small bowl, combine eggs, whipping cream, salt and vanilla. Stir into rice mixture and return pot to low heat, stirring constantly, for 2 minutes.

Pour into a 9×13 inch dish and cover with foil. Poke a few holes in the foil to let the steam escape. Let cool for 1 hour.

Remove the foil, sprinkle cinnamon over the top and cover again with the foil. Refrigerate for at least 8 hours.

Serves 8 to 10.

My files, source unknown.

MAPLE RICE PUDDING (dairy)

1 cup and 3 tablespoons uncooked rice

2 1/3 cups and 1 tablespoon water

3 1/4 cups whole milk

1 1/2 teaspoons maple extract

1/2 cup sugar

1/4 cup maple syrup (use the real stuff)

2 tablespoons brown sugar

1/2 teaspoon nutmeg

3/4 to 1 teaspoon cinnamon

Dash of ground cloves

1 tablespoon butter or margarine (optional)

In a saucepan combine the rice and water. Bring the mixture to a boil then reduce the heat and let the mixture simmer, uncovered for 20 minutes.

Add 1 3/4 cups of the milk, sugar, maple syrup and maple extract. Bring to a boil, and let simmer over medium heat until thick and creamy, about 15 minutes.

Stir in the remaining milk, nutmeg, cinnamon, cloves and butter. Mix to combine. Cook stirring over low heat for another 5 minutes.

Pour the mixture into a casserole dish, or serving bowls, and let stand for 10 minutes before serving. This can be refrigerated and served cold.

Serves 8.

My files, source unknown.

ARROZ CON LECHE (MEXICAN RICE PUDDING) (dairy)

3 cups whole milk

1 1/4 cup water

1 cup rice, short or medium grain

2 cinnamon sticks

1/4 teaspoon salt

1 14 oz can sweetened condensed milk

1/2 cup raisins, soaked in warm water to soften

2 teaspoons vanilla

In a saucepan combine the milk and water and bring to a simmer. Stir in the rice and cinnamon and cook, uncovered, about 20 to 30 minutes. Stir occasionally.

When the rice is soft, remove cinnamon sticks and stir in condensed milk, vanilla, salt and raisins. Return to a slight simmer and cook for an additional 10 to 15 minutes or until most of the liquid is absorbed and rice has a pudding-like consistency.

Serve hot, topped with a sprinkle of cinnamon.

Serves 6

From about.com a recipe for Arroz con Leche by Chelsie Kenyon.

CHOCOLATE RICE PUDDING (dairy)

2 1/2 cups rice

1 teaspoon salt

3 3/4 cups whole milk

1 tablespoons cocoa powder

11/2 cups sugar

6 egg yolks

4 tablespoons grated semi sweet or bittersweet chocolate

Bring 2 quarts water to a boil in a large saucepan. Add the rice and salt and cover. Simmer over low heat for 10 minutes. Drain.

Pour the milk over the rice and whisk in the cocoa powder. Bring the mixture to a boil. Stir to make sure the cocoa is combined and then reduce to a simmer. Cook, uncovered, for 30 minutes, or until the rice is soft.

In a bowl combine the sugar and egg yolks. Whisk in 1/2 cup of the rice mixture to the sugar mixture then mix it into the rice in the pan. Whisk just to combine the sugar mixture to the rice. Cook, stirring constantly until the pudding is hot but not boiling.

Place the rice in a serving bowl or divide it among individual serving cups. Cover with plastic wrap and refrigerate at least 2 hours. Grate chocolate over each pudding.

Serves 8

BROWN RICE PUDDING (dairy)

1 1/4 cups water

1/2 cup uncooked brown rice

1 1/2 teaspoons grated lemon zest, divided

1/4 teaspoon salt

3 cups whole milk

3 tablespoons brown sugar

1 tablespoon vanilla extract

Sliced mango

In a large saucepan, combine the water, rice, 1 1/2 teaspoons lemon peel and salt. Bring the mixture to a boil. Reduce heat; cover and simmer for 30 to 40 minutes or until the rice is tender.

Add the milk and brown sugar and mix to combine. Cook, uncovered, for 40-50 minutes or most of the milk has been absorbed. Stir occasionally.

Add the vanilla and mix to combine.  Serve immediately or cover and refrigerate for at least 4 hours. When ready to serve top with sliced mango.

This recipe can be doubled or tripled.

Serves 4.

My files, source unknown.

Eileen Goltz is a freelance kosher food writer who was born and raised in the Chicago area. She graduated from Indiana University and the Cordon Bleu Cooking School in Paris. She lectures on various food-related topics across the U.S. and Canada and writes weekly columns for the Chicago Jewish News, kosher.com and the OU Shabbat Shalom Website. She is the author of the Perfectly Pareve Cookbook (Feldheim) and is a contributing writer for the Chicken Soup for the Soul Book Group, Chicago Sun Times, Detroit Free Press and Woman’s World Magazine. You can visit Eileen’s blog by clicking: Cuisine by Eileen.

The biggest complaint I hear from parents is along these lines:

My kids don’t listen to me!

No matter what I say to my children they don’t cooperate!

How can I get my kids to do what I tell them?

It is quite frustrating for parents (myself included) when kids do not listen. There are so many things to be done and we need our kids to cooperate. In the mornings, kids need to wake up, get dressed, brush their teeth, eat breakfast, pack up and go. In the evenings, it is dinner, homework, bath and pajama time. There are so many opportunities for them to listen, or not, and when kids don’t want to do what we tell them it can be a real challenge.

 Is there a way that we can make our kids listen?  That’s a pretty heavy request. We might want to phrase it a bit differently. We really should ask, “How can we HELP our kids listen?” And that is the essence of the problem because really, our job as a parent is to teach our kids how to listen.

We need to remember the following when helping our kids learn how to listen:

1) It is not easy to listen. It requires a lot of concentration.

2) Nobody likes to be told what to do. It can be demoralizing to listen to commands all day long.

3) Kids who have a structured environment and schedule have an easier time listening.

4) We as parents need to be realistic about what our children can and cannot do.

5) Kids who are discouraged, because they can’t meet all of our demands, will “not listen” in protest.

6) When we include our kids in the day-to-day decision-making, they will be more likely to listen.

7) We can help children feel in charge of themselves so they are more compelled to listen.

Deep down kids want our approval desperately. They do want to listen and cooperate. This is the real tough part: They just need us to be loving and patient as they learn the not-so-simple task of how to listen.

Adina Soclof, MS. CCC-SLP, works as a Parent Educator for Bellefaire Jewish Children’s Bureau facilitating How to Talk so Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids will Talk workshops as well as workshops based on Siblings Without Rivalry. Adina also runs parentingsimply.com. 

This has been reprinted from jewinthecity.com with edits.

Dear Jew in the City,

Thanks,

D.V.

Dear D.V.,

Your question is an excellent one, and I was asked a similar question by a friend who upon hearing that I wore a wig over my hair told me that it was like wearing a prosthetic nose over my nose! His question bothered me for a while. I do NOT like having philosophical quandaries floating around in my head that I don’t know how to answer, so after a bit of thought, I came up with something, and I think it applies to your question as well.

Let’s first define what Jewish modesty is about. Contrary to popular belief,  tznius (or tzniut, depending on how you pronounce it) is not about looking ugly or unattractive. It’s about keeping certain parts of oneself private and off limits for public consumption. The parts that are considered “eyr-vah” (or require covering) in Jewish law have some innate sexuality or sensuality to them.

As far as I can tell, there are three different categories of body parts in regards to sexuality: the obviously sexual kind, the obviously not sexual kind, and the ones in the middle. A nose is about as asexual as it gets. Covering up a nose with a nose seems so preposterous since there’s no modesty involved with a body part that has nothing sexual (or sensual) about it. A woman’s chest is about as sexual as it gets. Covering up a woman’s chest with a picture of a chest, as per your example, doesn’t work because we consider a woman’s chest to be a very sexual, private area.

Now we come to hair. According to Jewish law, a woman leaves her hair uncovered before she’s married, so it must not be overtly sexual, since if it was it would never be shown. Although it’s not overtly sexual, I think most people would agree that a woman’s hair does have some innate sensuality to it. The expression “letting down your hair” implies a loosening up and relaxing that occurs once a person lets her hair flow freely. “Running fingers through someone’s hair” conveys a similar sentiment about this hard-to-define sensuality of hair.

In terms of covering hair with a wig, the hair in the wig is not explicitly sexual as we already said, but at the same time it does create a barrier so that the actual, free-flowing hair of the woman is not available for public consumption. It’s somewhat similar to wearing a t-shirt with flesh covered sleeves. As long as the material is opaque, wearing such a shirt is totally fine. According to Jewish law, the upper arms must be covered, but because upper arms are not overtly sexual, covering them up with a skin-like tone does not seem shocking or inappropriate.

But what if the wig is even more attractive than the woman’s natural hair? Well, what if a skirt makes a woman’s bottom half look more attractive than her bare legs would? What if her legs are full of cellulite and varicose veins? Would it suddenly be more modest to walk around skirtless? Obviously not, because the purpose of the skirt is not to look less attractive, but rather to create a barrier between the women’s naked body and the rest of the world. So too a wig, even if it’s more attractive than the woman’s hair, creates that same barrier and keeps the private parts of the woman private.

And if you still disagree with wearing a wig over hair after all that, you can simply join the many Orthodox Jews out there (men and women alike) who are also against wigs and believe that hats and scarves are the only appropriate hair covering out there! (Though, as you can see, I am not one of them!)

Sincerely yours,

Allison

Allison Josephs is the founder and director of JewintheCity.com which breaks down stereotypes about Orthodox Jews and offers and humorous, meaningful look into Orthodox Judaism through the power of new media.

Last week we spoke about chanoch l’na’ar al pi darcho–“teach a child according to his way”–and how we can apply this to our own parenting. We parents need to find our own strengths and work with them.

It seems as if being a mother always seem to bring out our biggest insecurities. When I first became a mom I was always wondering, Am I doing it right?

Am I feeding her enough times during the day? 
Is this the way you are supposed to give a bath?

As they get older it gets even harder. Should I let him wear his favorite sweater everyday? Is it okay that he will only eat macaroni?

In the back of my mind there was always that nagging voice that said, “You are doing it all wrong!”

This is why it is so important for a parent to espouse the principles of positive psychology. The mother who understands her unique strengths will be more comfortable and confident in her parenting abilities. She will be more productive and will be able to better interact with her children and parent more effectively. She and her children will exhibit greater happiness and well-being.

Haim Ginott, an eminent psychologist in the 1960s and ’70s addressed this issue of strengths in his parenting classes. One mother was feeling badly because her child had asked her to volunteer to be the class mother and she told him no. She complained to Dr. Ginott: “What’s the matter with me? Why can’t I be like other mothers?”

Dr. Ginott responded firmly:

A question like that only confuses. It presupposes that we should feel like other people. But we don’t. We’re not other people. We’re ourselves. You are you. We come back to the same thing again. We can only feel what we feel. And we really feel differently–each one of us does–not only about being class mother, but about everything. One mother loves to bake with her children, and another can’t stand having them underfoot in the kitchen; one loves gathering the little ones around to read aloud, another shudders at the thought. We each have our strengths and our limitations.

Here are five questions we can ask ourselves that can help us find our strengths, our uniqueness and our individual style, so that we can parent happily, productively and effectively.

1. What aspect of mothering do you find energizing? What comes easily to you?

We often spend a lot of time focusing on our weaknesses. Our dress is wrong for the party, our house is not clean enough, our children aren’t polite enough and the neighbor does it all better than we ever could. We need to stop looking at what we think we are doing wrong and concentrate our efforts in searching for our areas of competence. Those are our strengths. It is the part of mothering and nurturing that comes most naturally to us. It is the stuff that makes us feel fulfilled and whole.

Think about what you love to do with your kids. Is bath time or feeding your children their favorite foods one of your preferred activities? Do you enjoy cuddling time and curling up to read a good book? Do you love to take your kids out and about town to a new exhibit at a museum or do you like making popcorn and watching old movies with everyone on the couch? Somehow we always push ourselves to do the hard stuff, things we don’t like to do. Ironically, our strengths lie in the activities that we do effortlessly.

2. When do you feel good about your parenting?

Is it the hugs and kisses from your children or teaching your children to tie their shoes and ride their bikes?  Do you enjoy when your child shares with you something new that they have learned, like the lifecycles of a butterfly or the habits of a beaver? Or do you relish hands-on activities, like arts and crafts or sewing?

Most of my clients do not tell me about their best parenting moments. They mostly share the times they messed up. In one of my classes we decided to change that. Everyone was required to tell a story of at least one time where they felt they did it all right. Parents realized, “Hey, I am not so bad after all.” Focus on the positive aspects of your parenting and you will gain an appreciation for yourself and all that you do.

3. What are your five best qualities as a person and how do you use them to enhance your relationship with your children?

Here is a short list of character traits that can help you determine those 5 qualities:

Honest, cheerful, independent, artistic, wise, athletic, spiritual, fun-loving, laid back, caring, spontaneous, thoughtful, practical, flamboyant, kind-hearted, brave, logical, calm, discreet, cooperative, brave, giving, punctual, friendly, warm, tactful, adventurous.

You want to cultivate your best qualities and find ways to connect with your children using those traits that you are most proud of.

If you are a kind-hearted, compassionate person then empathizing with your child probably comes naturally to you and you can easily find ways to relate to your child. If you are independent minded, then teaching your children the life skills to stand on their own two feet is something you will do naturally. A flamboyant and adventurous type of mom will teach her children to enjoy life and find joy in the unexpected.

4. What aspect of mothering overwhelms you?

Be honest with yourself. Some moms are more energetic than others. Be real about your capabilities and work with them. If you have a low threshold for typical mommy tasks, get help. Hire a babysitter or cleaning service. If that is not an option, have a heart-to-heart talk with your spouse, or get your mother, mother-in-law or sister to pitch in.

Touchy-feely moms might feel overextended because they do too much for their children. Talk to your more independent-minded friend to get tips on how to get your kids to help. Independent moms, on the other hand, might balk at an overly sensitive child.  Moms who are emotional can return the favor and teach those moms to better deal with the world of feelings. The adventurous mom might have a hard time with the schedule and strictures of parenting. She might want to use her imagination to do her chores in a fun original way.

Being realistic with yourself and acknowledging your weaknesses in a soft way allows you to expend your energy on finding creative and practical solutions to manage your limitations.

5. What do you do to recharge and relax?

Moms need time for themselves. It is a necessity. Mothers need to unwind and just be. The demands of family can leave you drained and cranky. Everyone has her own way of relaxing. Find your personal preference.

Do you love spinning class, curling up with a good book, a stimulating lecture or getting together with friends?

You can also think about what you loved to do as a child and haven’t done in a while. I l enjoyed ice skating as a kid. When my daughter took lessons so did I. I rediscovered a forgotten pastime. Instead of going to the gym, once a week I head to the ice rink. Take note of what relaxes you and try to fit it into your schedule as much as possible.

Notice that nowhere do I suggest asking yourself, What does your best friend do as a parent that makes you feel inadequate and why aren’t you trying to copy her? What gives you the most guilt? How did your mother parent and why haven’t you done everything you can to emulate her?

To tap into your, unique, individual personal strengths, the questions you need to ask are the ones that force you to turn inward and take a good deep look at yourself–in a positive, productive way.

Our personal strengths are the things that we are naturally good at and and vitalize us. To increase our joy, contentment and pleasure in our children and our families we need to cultivate and build our parenting strengths.

Very simply, the key to our happiness and ultimately to our children’s happiness is to find what we love about mothering and do more of it.

Adina Soclof, MS. CCC-SLP, works as a Parent Educator for Bellefaire Jewish Children’s Bureau facilitating How to Talk so Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids will Talk workshops as well as workshops based on Siblings Without Rivalry. Adina also runs parentingsimply.com. 

Have you ever wondered what prompts couples to give up on their marriage?

While there are certain events that can push a marriage over the edge (Related: Stuck in a Lousy Marriage), many couples are successfully able to weather a lousy marriage for a long time. Other than infidelity, I have observed that therapy is often the cause for one spouse to throw in the towel and give up. No, I am not referring to bad marriage therapy that often sounds like a screaming match behind closed doors, though that also does its share of damage. I am talking about the effect individual therapy can have on a marriage.

Here is one example I have heard over the years from more than one couple:

“We’ve been married 20 years and it has been pretty bad, but now I have no desire to work on the relationship and I am ready for divorce.” They went together for years of bad marriage counseling that didn’t help, yet they still stayed together. What changed now?

“A few years ago I started seeing an individual therapist…” she begins. The wife was told by her therapist that it would be better to work with her privately and “fix” her personal problems than it would be to work together on her marriage with the husband. The therapist even asked the husband what he would like his wife to work on.

This method was a disaster.

She became so attached to the therapist that had encouraged her to “work on herself” and concluded that it was her husband that was the problem. She was done with her marriage and there was no possible way I could even invite her to do couples work with her husband.

While individual therapy is helpful for individuals, it is often counterproductive for couples going through marital problems.

Here are three ways in which individual therapy may make your relationship issues worse:

1) Is your individual therapist advising you about your spouse?

I am amazed at how therapists can draw conclusions about the other spouse without ever meeting him or her. I am always shocked to hear that a therapist will support his or her client’s decision to divorce their spouse without first advising the couple to work together on resolving their conflict. I have heard about therapists who have convinced one spouse to leave the other without even meeting him/her or inviting him/her to join a therapy session!

Although therapists are supposed to be neutral and should take their ego and/or personal agendas out of the session, there are male therapists who have an axe to grind with verbally abusive women and there are female therapists who have a dislike for “controlling” men.

Even if a therapist does not have an agenda, there often seems to be a complete disregard for the big picture: that when you break up a marriage you are often breaking up a family. My heart is broken when I hear about young couples with little kids getting divorced. Such decisions have devastating effects on future generations. As I hear of families breaking apart, I am working with children of divorce who are trying to salvage their own marriages. They did not grow up witnessing a healthy relationship.   Even if they grow up and marry a supportive spouse, they still often suffer from their parents’ inability to repair their own marriage.

2) Placing doubts about your spouse:

I feel so strongly about this because I have heard many stories of relationships that could have been repaired had one spouse not been poisoned by his/her therapist about the other. We are not talking about cases of physical abuse or of potential threat to one’s life.  We are talking about “normal” things that most couples deal with such as yelling, criticizing, blaming, shaming and so on. While these may all be forms of verbal abuse, they can often be dealt with and couples’s behavior can change.

When both spouses are not present, you can end up like the husband whose individual therapist convinced him that his wife was abusive and that she had a personality disorder. Whether or not it was true, those words had a profund effect on the husband and it forever tarnished the way he viewed his wife. While before he had hope that the relationship could improve, he was now convinced she had a “disorder” and there was no point in trying anymore as she was the one with the problem, not him.

A relationship requires two people, and in order to change it the dynamic has to change. It is rarely only one person’s fault. We can trigger some ugly behavior in our spouse but that does not mean that our marriage needs to be trashed. With the right perspective, the desire, and the proper tools it is possible to save even the worst marriages.

3) Removing your relationship from the center:

The best way to fix a relationship is for both spouses to work on their marriage together. This involves more than solving issues or changing behavior. Couples repair their marriage by learning how to relate to each other in healthier ways. Once that occurs, the problems that arise can be dealt with effectively, since now they have the tools they lacked before.

In most marriages, both partners contribute to the conflict they are experiencing. By not dealing with each other directly, seeking individual help instead, couples shift the focus away from the relationship–where the focus needs to be.

Worse still, it is common for one spouse to feel that the therapist is able to provide the warm, understanding, and available presence he or she is looking for in the marriage. The goal of good couples work is that the spouse can become that presence, not the therapist.

Am I advising you do to fire your individual therapist? No, but I am advising you to be aware of the issues that may occur if you are seeing one. Even the most well-intentioned therapists can be harmful if they are advising you about your spouse when he or she isn’t there.

If you are seeing an individual therapist for your marriage, the best thing you can do is focus on your personal issues. Ask the therapist not to make any suggestions about your spouse. Unless there is physical abuse or potential threat to one’s life, it is irresponsible for a therapist to encourage divorce without hearing both sides of the story.

Even if divorce is not encouraged, it is not helpful when a therapist speaks poorly about your spouse or gives you advice.  It leads to insecurity and second-guessing. If you come home disagreeing with your spouse saying, “Well, my therapist said…” then you need to become a little more aware of the influence your individual therapy is having on your marriage.

Ultimately, you and your spouse need to discuss and decide together what is best for your relationship, as you will be the ones to live with whatever decision you make. Although your therapist may be well-meaning, a therapist is a human being and does not always have all the answers, especially if he or she has only heard half of the story. Trust in the potential that your relationship has to heal, and focus your energy on your marriage. Whatever you do, don’t let your therapist destroy your marriage!

It has come to my attention that many working women have been understandably upset by the implication in my article which was posted in the OU newsletter on January 3, 2013, that it is damaging for mothers to work in the first year of a baby’s life. It was certainly not my intention, nor my belief, that this is the case if the substitute child care is of high quality. I certainly recognize that many factors go into a mother’s need to return to work. (In fact, my own wife went back to work when my children were infants.) My intention in this article was to emphasize, through a review of psychological literature, the vital importance of quality substitute childcare in a situation where a mother does work outside the home. The second half of the original article gives some practical guidelines for how to choose that care more knowledgeably and effectively.

This article focuses on only one particular facet of parenting. There is so much more that goes into successful parenting than the number of hours a mother spends at home. Far more predictive of a child’s overall well-being and happiness are more intangible factors. We can provide our children with a pervasive sense of safety, security and peace by responding to their needs, demonstrating how much we enjoy being with them, being mindful and present when you are together, reading to them, and “stealing time” with them when we can (even in a mundane way like taking them on an outing to the grocery store). As I mentioned in the article, I can think of no priority as important as helping parents nourish their young child’s developing mind and soul by better equipping parents to manage the balance between work, parenting and marriage.

David Pelcovitz, Ph.D. holds the Gwendolyn and Joseph Straus Chair in Psychology and Jewish Education at Yeshiva University’s Azrieli Graduate School of Jewish Education.

When we talk about raising children we always consider what is says in Mishlei (Proverbs):

Chanoch l’na’ar al pi darcho. “Teach a child according to his way.”

Each child has his own strengths and personality and parents need to cultivate them. We should learn how a child works best and use that information to parent him.

But the more I teach this principle, the more I see that we can use it to refine our parenting style according to our own characteristics. The new mantra: “Parent according to our way.” We need to understand our personality, our strengths and our weaknesses and use this information to help us parent better. 

Julie Morgenstern in her book Time Management from the Inside Out¹ advises her clients to design a schedule for themselves based on their strengths. She asks readers to assess the following areas and counsels that there are no right or wrong answers.

Do you prefer:

Concentrating in short bursts or for long stretches?

Focusing on one thing at a time or multitask?


A busy, fast paced schedule or a slow, easy schedule?

Predictable plans or spontaneity?

Working under pressure or long lead times?

Making quick decisions or think things over?

Working independently or collaboratively?


Exercising alone or with others?


Shopping alone or with others?


Relaxing alone or with others?

Working with quiet or with noise?

Working with your head or working with your hands?

Morgenstern continues:

This information will help you plan a schedule that makes you happy and productive. If you thrive on a fast pace, you should try to fill your days with several activities; if you prefer a slower pace, you might limit your daily to do list to three or four items. Stop trying to fight who you are. Someone who responds well to very tight deadlines should try to schedule his or her time that way……. Paying attention to your natural rhythms and accepting them as a testament to who you are will result in a schedule that supports you instead of one that works against you.

While this is true across the board, how can we use this information to specifically help mothers of young children to plan their day?

Women who work better with their heads instead of their hands will find themselves exhausted with the physical demands of their 0-3 year olds. Being a mother of young children forces women to multitask, make quick decisions and work amidst lots of noise. Moms who work well with quiet, with long lead times, have difficulty focusing on more than one thing at a time and like to work alone are at a serious disadvantage. These women may compare themselves to other Mothers and feel that they come up short.

It is hard to “pay attention to your natural rhythms” under these circumstances. These women need to make extra efforts to take care of themselves. Hiring a babysitter, waking up early in the morning before the kids are up, using the babies’ nap time to catch up on their work are all some suggestions that can enable these moms to nurture themselves and schedule their time productively.

On the other hand, women who like to have people around them, like to shop, relax and exercise with others, need to make time for social stimulation. Moms of young children often feel isolated and lonely. Talking on the phone, making dates to walk or jog with the babies in their strollers and taking the children to the park where other moms hang out is a necessity.

Using your strengths to manage your time effectively enables you to make the most of your day. Using this information when you are parenting young children is an invaluable skill. It can ensure that mom’s needs are being met, the best way to ensure that you are parenting effectively.

Another bonus: Knowing how you work best will give you insights into how your child works best. This can truly help you in fulfilling the time-honored Jewish tradition of chanoch l’na’ar al pi darcho.

Now Read: 5 Cut-to-the-Core Questions That Will Define Your Parenting MO

¹Morgenstern, J. (2004). Time Management From The Inside Out. NY: Henry Holt and Company.

Adina Soclof, MS. CCC-SLP, works as a Parent Educator for Bellefaire Jewish Children’s Bureau facilitating How to Talk so Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids will Talk workshops as well as workshops based on Siblings Without Rivalry. Adina also runs parentingsimply.com. 

It’s not always realistic, or even best, for a mother to be at home with her child–as discussed in The Impact of Working Mothers on Child Development. Here are critical points to consider when choosing childcare, based on empirical research. 

Research on the Impact of Substitute Childcare

Longitudinal studies of the association between child academic and behavioral functioning and type and frequency of childcare when they were younger finds that both quality and quantity of childcare is associated with a child’s later behavior and achievement. For example, when the sample studied in the NICHD longitudinal study referenced earlier is evaluated a decade after leaving childcare,[1] the researchers found that childcare quality was associated with improved cognitive and behavioral functioning at age 15, with escalating positive effects at higher levels of childcare quality. Similarly, in that study, higher quality care predicted higher cognitive academic achievement (e.g. better vocabularies) at age 4½, as well as during elementary school.

At 4½ years of age, the number of hours in childcare was associated with higher levels of externalizing behaviors such as non-compliance and aggression. The more hours spent in childcare, the greater the likelihood of difficult behavior. Similarly, more hours of non-relative care in the first 4½ years of a child’s life predicted greater risk-taking and impulsivity at age 15.

In a fascinating series of studies,[2] researchers found that childcare quality is related to a child’s cortisol levels (a hormone released by the adrenal gland in response to stress). When children receive high-quality childcare, characterized by high levels of emotional support and cognitive stimulation, they are less likely to have increased cortisol levels over the course of the day. Such children showed cortisol levels that were more similar to children who spend their day in the less stressful environment of their own homes.

Guidelines for Evaluating Quality of Childcare

Given the enduring impact the quality of childcare has on child adjustment, it is important for parents to understand what researchers have determined are the core characteristics that define a high-quality program. The NICHD research team developed the following set of nine caregiver behaviors that can guide a parent who is observing caregivers on a typical day in their program[3]:

If parents are trying to assess a particular program, they should pick out a child in the program who reminds them of their own child and in half-minute intervals observe whether the caregiver:

1. responds to the child’s vocalizations;
2. reads aloud to the child;
3. asks the child a question;
4. praises or speaks affectionately to the child;
5. teaches the child;
6. directs other positive talk to the child;
7. has close physical contact with the child;
8. is occupied (as opposed to doing nothing), or
9. is occupied actively with the child as opposed to watching television.

While all nine of these behaviors were found to be associated with quality of care, the most important was the kind of verbal interaction used by the caregiver. Those who asked questions, praised, taught and, in general, created a warm, enveloping atmosphere by interacting with the child as an individual rather than only with the group and by talking to the child in positive ways contributed to the high level of quality that later predicted more positive cognitive and behavioral outcomes for these children a decade later. Other important caregiver characteristics include a disciplinary style that is characterized by offering children choices and gentle suggestions rather than harsh and punitive ultimatums.[4]

In addition to the quality of caretaker-child interactions, the characteristics of the physical space of the childcare environment has also been found to be relevant. Researchers have found that having at least twenty-five square feet per child is important. Day care settings that have less space are more likely to have children who are aggressive and less intellectually stimulated.[5] Since orderly and predictable environments are so important for children, it is not surprising that researchers have documented the importance of settings that allow children privacy and separate space for quiet and loud play.[6]

Having a wide variety of age-appropriate play materials has been found to maximize the intellectual challenges in daycare settings.[7] When materials are limited in quantity and variety, children have been found to fight more and to show less progress in language and social development.

Another important characteristic of daycare is the balance between structure and free play. Programs that provide all structure with no time for unstructured play have been found to result in defiant, stressed and unhappy children. In contrast, programs that completely lack structure result in children with lower levels of social skills. Researchers therefore conclude that the ideal is a balance between adult-initiated group work that is educational in nature and free play that is directed by the child, yet includes activities that promote exploration, thinking and social interaction.[8]

The opportunity to play with even one other child on a regular basis is associated with more gains in both social and cognitive areas. This finding argues for the benefit of giving young children the opportunity to have repeated play sessions with the same group of children. The staff-child ratio is an important component determining the optimal size of a childcare center. Research finds that in the care of infants, the staff-infant ratio should be one to one. The sensitivity of staff to the infant’s needs often deteriorates when the ratio goes to one staff member for two or more infants. Obviously, as children get older such intensive ratios are no longer essential. In one study, when the ratio for toddlers improved from 8:1 to 6:1, teachers relied less on negative discipline and became more responsive to the toddler’s needs.[9]

Here, a follow-up note from Dr. Pelcovitz, further emphasizing the vital importance of quality substitute childcare.

This has been reprinted from the Klal Perspectives Journal with edits. Klal Perspectives is an electronic journal dedicated to addressing the unique challenges facing today’s Orthodox communities. Each issue consists of a symposium in which a diverse group of rabbinic and lay leaders share their different perspectives on a given topic.

[1] Vandell, D., Belsky, J., Burchinal, M., Steinberg, L., Vandergrift, N. (2010) Do effects of early childcare extend to age 15 years? Results from the NICHD study of early childcare and youth development.Child Development, 81(3), 737-756.

[2] Tout, K, , De Haan, M., Kipp-Campbell, E. & Gunnar, M. (1998) Social behavior correlates of adrenocortical activity in daycare: Gender differences and time of day effects. Child Development: 69:1247-1262.

[3] The NICHD Early Childcare Research Network (2005) Childcare and child development: Results from the NICHD study of early childcare and youth development.; page 81, New York, NY, Guilford Press

[4] Clarke-Stewart, A. &Allhusen, V. (2005) What We Know About Childcare , Cambridge, MA, Harvard University Press,.

[5] Maxwell, L. (1996) Multiple effects of home and day care crowding.Environment and Behavior 28:494- 511

[6] Laike, T. (1997) The impact of daycare environments on children’s mood and behavior. Scandinavian Journal of Psychology 38:209-218

[7] Clarke-Stewart, A. &Allhusen, V. (2005) What We Know About Childcare p. 113-114, Cambridge, MA, Harvard University Press

[8] Stipek, D., Feiler, R. Daniels, D. & Milburn, S. (1995) Effects of differential instructional approaches on young children’s achievemen and motivation. Child Development 66L209-223

[9] Howes, C. (1996) The Florida Childcare Improvement Study< New York: Families and Work Institute

David Pelcovitz, Ph.D. holds the Gwendolyn and Joseph Straus Chair in Psychology and Jewish Education at Yeshiva University’s Azrieli Graduate School of Jewish Education.

In last week’s column, we discussed the fact that more than two-thirds of the American population is now overweight, obese or extremely obese and how, in short, being overweight or obese will take away the quality of life we should be enjoying.

It is clear that we need to make some serious lifestyle changes. So here we present a 15-point plan developed by Mathew Caddy, MS, RD, for cutting our calories though portion-size reduction.

1. Downsize.   Research proves that downsizing plates, bowls and drink glasses can play a big role in portion control. A 2012 Journal of Nutrition Education and Behavior study found that when participants were given a large-sized bowl, they served themselves 77% more pasta than when they were given a smaller bowl (Van Kleef, Shimizu & Wansink 2012). In a separate study, nutrition experts served themselves 31% more ice cream when given a 34-ounce bowl than when armed with a 17-ounce one (Wansink, van Ittersum & Painter 2006). Further, their servings increased by an additional 14.5% when they were using a larger serving spoon.
2. Size It Up.   You can’t scale back your portions until you come to grips with how much you’re really eating. Flip food packages over, read nutrition information and pay close attention to how serving sizes are defined. Case in point: A brand of granola may look rather harmless at 130 calories per serving, but upon closer inspection this is just a quarter cup, less than almost anybody would eat in one sitting.
3. Rise and Dine.   A recent University of Missouri study demonstrates that eating breakfast can help control appetite and regulate food intake throughout the day (Leidy et al. 2011). For 3 weeks, subjects either skipped breakfast or consumed a 500-calorie meal. Consuming breakfast led to increased fullness and reductions in hunger throughout the morning, an outcome that could assist with portion control later in the day.
4. Scale Back.  Most people can’t grasp what four ounces of chicken breast or one ounce of cheese looks like—yet these portions are considered appropriate for a calorie-controlled diet. “Adding a digital food scale to the kitchen can help people understand what real portion sizes look like,” notes Young. “It may come as a shock to learn that your typical steak serving is eight ounces or more, a lot more than what most people should eat.” Using measuring cups for items like cereal can also help keep portions in line with what is stated on product nutrition labels.
5. Stave Off Snack Attacks.   A recent study by scientists at Yale University showed that falling glucose levels can trigger a reward region in the brain that leads to heightened cravings for high-calorie fare such as cakes, pizza and ice cream (Page et al. 2011).  Take back control by making sure you eat something every few hours; include healthy snacks such as yogurts with fruit; hummus and raw veggies; or whole-grain crackers with one tablespoon of almond butter or Tehina.
6. Pay Attention.   Eat your meals and snacks in the kitchen or dining room, not on the couch. A review of studies published in the American Journal of Preventive Medicine found that TV viewing, with all its other problems, was strongly associated with higher consumption of calorie-dense drinks and foods and lower consumption of fruit and vegetables in both adults and children (Pearson & Biddle 2011).  In a study at the University of Bristol, England, people who ate lunch while playing a computer game felt less full by the end than those who noshed undistracted, and gamers consumed about double the number of calories 30 minutes after the meal compared with the other group (Oldham-Cooper et al. 2011). If you eat while distracted, you’ll likely remember less about the food you consumed, which can leave you feeling hungrier later on.
7. Chew on This.   Many of us wolf down our food. Well, it’s time to eat at a snail’s pace. A 2011 American Journal of Clinical Nutrition investigation discovered that subjects consumed 12% fewer calories when they chewed each bite 40 times than when they chewed just 15 times (Li et al. 2011).  Additional chewing also slows down the rate at which you take in food, which New Zealand scientists found can keep weight down (Leong et al. 2011).
8. Start Right.   The right appetizer can keep calorie intake within reason. A 2012 study by researchers at Pennsylvania State University showed that people who ate a 100-calorie salad 20 minutes before digging into a pasta meal reduced their total caloric intake for the meal by 11% (Roe, Meengs & Rolls 2012). The same laboratory found that eating a raw apple 15 minutes before a test meal cut caloric intake by 15% (Flood-Obbagy & Rolls 2009). Preceding meals with low-calorie, fiber-rich items like vegetables and fruits can boost satiety, making it less likely you’ll dole out copious amounts of spaghetti or ask for second helpings of meatloaf. But don’t expect the same benefit when you eat high-calorie foods like dips or fish.
9. Slice Away Calories.   Cutting calories could be as simple as cutting up your food. A 2011 study published in Journal of the Academy of Nutrition and Dietetics found that subjects who ate whole pieces of candy while participating in a computer task consumed about 60 more calories than those who nibbled on candies that were sliced in half (Marchiori, Waroquier & Klein 2011). Both groups consumed the same total number of candy pieces—six to seven whole candies or six to seven candy halves.
10. Sleep Tight.   Here’s another reason to get a good night’s sleep: An investigation by scientists at New York Obesity Research Center found that subjects fed themselves about 300 more calories when sleep-deprived than they did after sleeping normally (St-Onge et al. 2011). Why does lack of sleep lead to the munchies? A 2012 American Journal of Clinical Nutrition study reported that subjects who slept only 4 hours showed more brain activity in response to food stimuli than those who got 9 hours of shut-eye (St-Onge et al. 2012). So a poor night’s sleep could cause the concept of portion control to go awry.
11. Choose Unrefined, High-Fiber Foods.   Fiber-rich foods slow down digestion and minimize blood sugar fluctuations. Incorporating these foods into snacks and meals will boost satiety and tame hunger. A study in the journal Appetite found that volunteers felt fuller after consuming high-fiber bread than they did when they consumed the same number of calories from fiber-poor white bread (Keogh et al. 2011).
12. Keep Your Distance.   At your next meal, try this suggestion from Cornell University: Keep extra food away from the dining table. Cornell scientists found that when subjects kept pasta and pudding serving-dishes off the table, obliging the subjects to serve themselves from dishes on the kitchen counter or on the stove, they ate an average of 20% fewer calories (Payne et al. 2010). The study authors surmised it was a case of “out of sight, out of mind.”
13. Eat Your Calories.   It’s okay to have a glass of orange juice with breakfast or a post-workout protein shake, but it’s important that most of your daily calories come from solid food. A study conducted by scientists at the University of Kansas Medical Center found that post-meal hunger and desire to eat were greater when subjects consumed liquid calories than when they consumed the same amount of energy from solid food (Leidy et al. 2010). The investigation found that the solid meal led to a greater drop in ghrelin, the hunger-producing hormone, than the liquid meal.
14. Be the Chef.   Portions doled out at restaurants have been growing over the last several decades. When you leave the food prep to someone else, you always raise the risk of getting more calories than you bargained for. “Cooking more of your meals allows you to become better aware of appropriate portions and often leads to eating higher amounts of healthful foods,” Young says. But make sure to use measuring spoons, scales and other devices to keep sneaky excess calories out of your meals.
15. Know the Real Deal.   The low-fat version of an item like peanut butter may have calories on par with the higher-fat version, since ingredients like sugar often replace the fat to make the product taste better. “Low-fat items can trick you into thinking you’re eating less than you are.” A Journal of Marketing Research study found that people ate 28% more chocolate candies when they were portrayed as “low-fat” than when they were described as “regular” (Wansink & Chandon 2006). The researchers concluded that low-fat labels cause people to underestimate calorie consumption, increase what they think is an appropriate serving size and temper feelings of guilt after polishing off a box of reduced-fat treats. “Reduced-fat” versions of products like crackers, cookies, fruit yogurt and peanut butter need the same dietary constraint as their higher-fat counterparts.

So here you have 15 suggestions on how to eat less.  Because when we get down to it, we need to get back to basics–consuming less and moving more.  Without that equation, nothing else matters.

Alan Freishtat is an A.C.E. certified personal trainer and a lifestyle fitness coach with over 17 years of professional experience. He is the co-director of the Jerusalem-based weight loss and stress reduction center Lose It!  He can be reached at (U.S. Line) 516-568-5027, 02-651-8502 or by email at alan@loseit.co.il.