My wife’s mother is 89 and is in precarious health. She has a brother and sister, but they live thousands of miles away. The burdens of care for her mother—physical, emotional and financial—fall overwhelmingly on her. Her siblings encourage her, but there is little practically they can do.
I try to help her as much as I can, but I have to deal with my 88-year-old mother and her problems and ailments.  And of course, we deal all the time with our children (twenty-somethings) and their lives and challenges.

What do you suggest to make things easier for my wife.

SS

I suggest you consult with a professional who could make you aware of the various options and resources available.

Dear Mr. Steiner:
I replied to you predicament last week in haste; perhaps I could elaborate briefly. I can see that both you and your wife are stretched pretty much to the limit; have you thought about getting outside help in the form of a home healh aide who could assist with many of the daily tasks that currently fall on both your and your wife’s shoulders? They can help either parent with dressing, toileting, showering, light housekeeping, shopping, visits to the doctor, and meal preparation. Aides brought into the home can either be retained privately, if finances are not a major issue, or you could try to apply for Medicaid if your elders qualify; additionally, have you and your wife discussed assisted living as possible option? These are some of the key elements in developing a safe plan of care for your parents. If you feel that you are unable to arrange for these services on your own, or if you feel that you need to address additional issues, than I suggest that your next step is to consult with a professional who is well versed in the issues of aging and can help you access these, and many more services. Good Luck!

Dear Steve and wife,

The care of a mother in precarious health can indeed be overwhelming. Instead of spending precious energy on the fact that it all falls on her shoulders and that her siblings don’t/can’t help (although financially I don’t see why they can’t contribute), it’s easier on the nerves just to say, “OK, I’m an only child; I have to do this on my own.” Too much frustration and wasted energy goes on the unfairness of the situation.  It is good that she has you, burdened as you are with your own mother’s tzorris, at least to be sympathetic and an anchor when things get tough.

Being a good Jewish mother, she probably doesn’t want to trouble your twenty-something-aged children, but actually they probably would be happy to do some of the visiting, taking to the doctor, or just sitting with granny sometimes.  Even if it’s not permanent help, the special relationship between grandparents and grandchildren is a beautiful and positive aspect of growing older, and can be of mutual benefit which you should explore.

To them and to you I say that sometimes when you remember that this situation will not continue forever, that if she’s in precarious health, the likelihood is that you’ll not have the need, (should we say the privilege) of caring for your parent for all that long, might make it easier to cope when things get difficult.

And of course you should get all the professional and caretaking help you can get, so as not to lose your cool and share the caregiving with people specially trained in this field, even if it costs money (hopefully your mother-in-law has the means to help here--or the siblings.)

It’s not for nothing that our Sages say that caring for parents is the most difficult of mitzvot, but it should also be among the most satisfying to know that you’re somehow repaying them for all their love and devotion when you were growing up.

Leah Abramowitz