The Guys’ Side of the Story

by a Former NCSYer

To all the guys who are reading this thinking, "Why the (heck) are they telling this stuff to my girlfriend? I want to get (lucky)! If I finish high school as a virgin, I will be the biggest loser come college":

OK, now that I think I've got your attention, I'm going to tell you a little something I learned through PERSONAL experience in high school (leaving the colorful details out). I went from being completely and utterly shomer, to crossing a lot of lines and then back to shomer. Now married, there is no way I'm going to let my wife see this, so if you know who I am keep it shut. (Just kidding. She knows, but I don't need everyone else to!)

I was 16 and, being one of the oldest kids in my class, I was one of the first to reach the holy grail of a driver's license. This offered me the opportunity to do whatever I wanted. I had a cell phone, a car and a part-time job, which provided me with hundreds of dollars every month: Every night was a party. I had been talking with a few girls online from one of local schools and became pretty close to this one FINE girl. After we hung out a few times, being shomer was gone. Though this relationship only lasted a few months, I was hooked. I started making out with LOTS of girls, keeping my time between making out to a minimum. At times, I went to a local dance club, which was great because you got all the fun without the hassle. Of course, there are benefits to consistent relationships, and you know what I mean.

After a little over a year, and about 12-15 different hookups (some girlfriends of a few months, some one-night stands), I started to realize that I didn't have a life. If my relationship with my current girlfriend was going great, I was happy. If it was dragging, so was I. It got to a point during one relationship (with lots of ups and downs) that my parents actually asked me if I was on drugs! I started to realize what was going on, and therefore started seeing a shrink. Through my visits, I came to realize that the more "fun" I was having, the more baggage I was carrying. I decided it might be a good idea to become shomer again. But it doesn't end here.

Yes, it's very easy to decide to become shomer. To start out, I decided that I was no longer going to have "girlfriends." I still had friends who were girls, but since I wasn't currently dating anyone, it seemed like a good place to start. However, like starting a diet on January 1st, it doesn't last. It was just a kiss "hello." And then "goodbye." And then... Of course, after every occurrence I was a little depressed that I messed up again, but hey, (stuff) happens. This went on for about a year.

Then something happened to me that made me really think. There was a girl who I'd been friends with for two years. We never dated, but we were REALLY close friends (with NO benefits). She told me flat out that she didn't think it was a good idea to be friends with guys she's not interested in marring. This (ticked) me off royally. After all the flings in high school, here was someone I REALLY opened up to and - BAM!!! Just like that, it's gone. I was hurt.

After a few days of thinking about it I realized something: She was right.

By her dropping me, I realized that all these fantasy friends - the hookups, the friends with benefits, the girlfriends - were all fake. I mean, be honest, how many people marry someone they dated in high school? (Of the few that do, how many don't get divorced within a few years?) Forget that: how many people in high school date someone based on anything other than looks and popularity? How many people want their previous hookups dancing them down on the aisle? It was then that I called up my few remaining female real friends and told them that I needed to work on being the man that the girl I'm hoping for would want to marry. It was the hardest thing I've ever done.

Yes, there were times where a girl would call and I would talk to her for a bit, so some of my guy friends thought I was a faker. But it's during times like these, when everything is falling apart, that you start seeing straight again. I worked on myself and got to be close with some REAL friends. Eventually people started seeing I was for real and they started treating me with respect. Yes, when I would hang with them and they all had a girl on their laps, I was jealous. Who wouldn't be? But while they were partying, I was getting serious about life. I was taking myself seriously and working on becoming who I wanted to be. And I was getting there.

That was a few years ago. When I started dating for real, I was confident in my head. I was okay with my past and looking toward the future. I went out and married someone much better than I, with a much simpler past - and I couldn't be happier.

Do I regret the mistakes I've made? Yes. But by making the right friends and working on myself, I was able to learn from them. I hope that maybe guys who read this may start to see things a little clearer and a little sooner than I did. Who knows? But I'll tell you this: Imagine getting married and having that person be the first - for EVERYTHING.

Yours Truly,

A very happily married young man.

1 of 1

Previous entry: Who Can I Talk To?